06x23 - The Finale

[bunniefuu]

Want some coffee?

You know, like,
a half a cup.

[CLANGING]

How long have you been
waiting with that?

A little while.

♪ Tell me why

♪ I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who

♪ Can start my heart
as much as you

♪ Tell me
all your secrets

♪ I'll tell you
most of mine

♪ They say
nobody's perfect

♪ Well, that's really
true this time

♪ 'Cause I don't
have the answers

♪ I don't have a plan

♪ All I have is you

♪ So, baby,
help me understand

♪ What we do

♪ You can whisper
in my ear

♪ Where we go

♪ Who knows what happens
after here?

♪ Let's take
each other's hand

♪ And jump
into the final frontier

♪ The final frontier ♪

All right, Mabel,
this is funny.

This is gonna get
a laugh outta you.

There's a laugh
in there,

and I'm gonna
get it.

This is the funniest thing
you ever-you ready?

Here it is.

Don't do that!

Don't ever
do that again.

It's physical comedy.

Mabel,

Who's ticklish?

Who's, Ticklish?

Who's the most ticklish girl
in the world?

Who's very, very ticklish?

Who-

Why isn't she laughing?

Some babies are not
so much ticklish.

That's okay. We got
other funny things.

This is funny. Watch.

Daddy's wavin' good-bye.

He's sayin',
"Bye, Mabel."

He's walkin' away,
but, he's not lookin'
where he's goin'.

There's a chair!
Whoa! Ow!

Oh! Are you all right?

Is she laughin'?

JAMIE: No.

We should go.
Then, ow!

Ow!

Aren't you late?

Ow! Yeah,
but, you know what?

That's all right.
I don't care.

I'm finding it
very hard to get excited
about this job today.

Honey, it's a documentary.

Just, Barely.

The Making of
the Making of Titanic.

So? Big hit film.

Yeah,
but, it's so parasitic.

I'm not even glommin' off
a big hit movie.

I'm glomming off the gloom.

So, you're taking her
this morning,

and Ira's
gonna meet you there
to help you watch her?

Yeah, I got you,
then I lose Ira at : ,

so I'll let the crew
eat lunch at : .

When Ira goes,
I'll take a cab.

I'll drop the baby
off with you.

Then, I don't know,
I'll grab a hot dog
or somethin'

on the way back
in the cab,

And then I'll be nauseous
all the way to Brooklyn.

Okay.

That works out well
for you, does it?
Yeah.

All right.
Here we go.

Honey, we can
do this easily
and gracefully.

Ow!

Honey, it doesn't
make her laugh.

I know. I'm saying,
literally, "ow!"

Mabel, listen to this.

A rabbi, a priest,
and a lawyer,

They're in a lifeboat.
Sweetie?

I'm trying something.

PAUL: Okay.

Okay, so, um, when you
made your film,

The making of
Titanic,

you interviewed
James Cameron,
the director,

didn't you?

Uh, yeah.

What was that like?

Oh, it was great.

Okay. Uh, Did-did
he have stories?

Did he have any stories
that he shared with you?

Oh, yeah. He told
this great story
about how, um,

one night the boat,

they couldn't get the,
uh, uh, the model boat

to, like, sit
in the water right.

I guess.

So they put, um,
they had to put,
like, uh,

an orange
on the side of it.

Or, something-I'm not sure
exactly what they did.

But, it was a great story.

It's in Making of
the Titanic.

Okay. So, So your film
came out pretty good
then, huh?

Yeah.

[MABEL CRYING]

Shh... Shh,
PAUL: Hey! Hey!

Could you, like, maybe
get her to cry louder?

[MABEL CRIES LOUDER]

Yeah, she can cry louder.

You know what?
Let's cut, all right?

♪ Hush, little baby,
don't you cry

♪ Or, Ira's gonna
gouge out his own eye

Spend a lot of time
around kids, do you?

Hey, I could spend less.

Okay. I know what.
You need somethin' funny.

You need to laugh.
You ready? Watch this.

What is that?

That's Popeye!

Okay, I will gladly
pay you Tuesday to stop
doing that today.

Okay. Just go to uncle Ira,
and I'll get you a juice.

You could take a nap,
by the way.

Excuse me.

Do you, by any chance,
have any shrimp?

What?

Shrimp. Do you have
any shrimp on you?

Sadly, no.

Aw, sh**t. Darn!

You know,
i brought the basil

for the shrimp creole
for the catering table,

and then I brought
the onion,

and I got the salt
and the white pepper
and the black pepper

and the cayenne pepper
and the oregano,

And I got
the celery rib and-

Got the celery rib,
do ya?

Oh, yeah,
got the celery rib.
Good.

And I got the olive oil
and the cloves. And, uh,

I have everything
except for, uh-

Do you want to guess?
Shrimp?

Yes.
Yes.

Okay. You know what?
Excuse me one second.

I'm kinda busy-

Do you have
any thoughts?
What?

Because I have the, um,
I have the creole sauce
made,

so I have to make
something creole,

and I'm wondering
what-what are you
in the mood for?

Creole doughnuts
or, creole Clark bars

Or, creole
cap'n crunch-which,
he was, by the way.

He was what?
Creole.

He was a cap'n-creole.
Cap'n crunch.

Cap'n crunch the man?

He was a creole.

Um-um-I'm sorry.
What is your name?

Nancy.

Nancy. Okay, forgive me,

But, a-i have to go
take care of my daughter,

And two- who-
Who are you?

Oh, "c" or, three-
I mean, who are you

to bring a baby
on the sound stage,
then?

D- I'm the director.

Oh, E- gads,
that's a good baby.

That's a beautiful baby.

Isn't that
a beautiful baby?

You don't have
to say that. Thank you.

That's a-oh, my.

I was suckin' up before,
but, that is a beautiful baby.

That is a-
Hello.

Now, look, I'll tell you
why you're crying.

'Cause you're two feet tall,
and you type, like,
zero words a minute,

and you're wearing
a leisure suit covered
in ducks, apparently.

Let it out. Go on.

Okay, how do
you do that?

Oldest of kids.

Really?

Susie, Raymond, Michael,

Okay.

Tierney, Tiffany, Tammy,
Kerry, Patsy, Pablo-

They were in Italy
for Pablo. Yes.

Okay. You know what?
And Jennifer.

What's that?
The last one-Jennifer.

Okay. Good. Uh-

Okay. Well-

All right, everybody.
Let's sh**t some film,
shall we?

MAN: Rolling.

[BELL BUZZES]

WOMAN: Fire!

[SHOUTING]

I got it. It's okay.

Why don't we just
take a break.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Uh, Mr. Carville,
don't you want to come
out of there now, sir?

I'm sure the stapler
just slipped out
of your wife-

Um, Ms. Matalin's hands.

JAMES: Shut up, Henry!

Okay.

God, don't tell me
they're fighting again.

Well, she missed him,
if that's any-
Ms. Matalin!

Won't you please
tell Mr. Carville

that you know
that staplers are
sharp and heavy items

and it's bad to throw
them at your life
and business partner?

MARY: Never!

Okay. Can you imagine?
I have a PhD.

Mr. Carville?

Shut up, Henry!

The pressure on these people
is unbelievable.

I don't know how they-
Ms. Matalin!

Shut up, Henry!

Okay! All right!
Very well.

Why don't we begin
by going over both of
your schedules this morning?

JAMES: Shut up, Henry!
MARY: Shut up, Henry!

Okay. All right.

Okay.

Henry, are you
all right?

Oh, hi, Jamie!
When did you get in?

Henry?

You know, Jamie,
i just realized something.

What's that?

Well, it's-it's
the craziest thing.

What?

Really just
the damnedest thing.

Well, Jamie,
just this minute,

I ran out of, Nice.

I don't understand.

I ran out of nice.

Just now,
I have no, Nice.

Not for these people.

You did not
run out of nice.

You're the nicest
man in the world.

I'm out of nice!
Believe me!

Okay.
[TELEPHONE RINGING]

You know,
maybe I should get-

What is it?
Well, hold on!

Pentagon on line three!
Anyone give a crap?

Back off! You look
absurd in that sweater!

What are you laughing at?

Your wife is sleeping
with him!

Ooh. Ooh. Did I come
at a bad time?

Bite me!

All right, sir.

What's the matter
with him?

He's out of nice.

Aw, that's a shame.

Yeah. Why are you wet?

I-would you please
take our daughter?

Oh, no, sweetie!
Any day but, today.

As you can see,
we're having
a total meltdown.

No, no, no!
Come on.

But, you promised-why do
i still have the baby here?

So sorry. I will
take her any day
other than today.

Sweetie, this is the perfect
example of the type of day
when I need you to take her!

Okay. Thanks.

Mabel, Mabel.

Peekaboo!

I'm just gonna
make her laugh.

Where's Mabel?
Where'd Mabel go?

There she is!

She knows where she is.

Where's Mabel?
I don't understand.

Don't you know
where you are?

Peekaboo-all right,
forget it.

This is not
a good situation
that we have here.

Really? I know.

You're harried,
and I'm squishin'.

All right, squishy,
we'll talk about it
later.

Promise me we're gonna
talk about this tonight.

I promise you.

No, no, no!
No, no, no!

The stairs! The stairs!

Why did you
have to kiss me?

JAMIE: Oh, god! Oh, god!

Okay, alright.

Oh, god! Oh, god!

I'll check this floor.
You keep going.

You got the momentum.

Okay.
Outta the way.

Outta the way.
Outta the way.
Here I come.

It stopped on
the next floor down.

Oh, man, what did people
do before elevators

When they lost their kid
in an elevator?

[FRANTIC SHOUTING]

Hi, Sweetie!

Are you okay?
Are you all right?

She's all right.

Oh, god! You all right?

I'm all right.

Am I all right?
You're all right.

So you're sayin'
everybody's all right.

It's okay, sweetie.
Daddy's very sorry.

Hey!

We're both
very sorry.

Okay, everybody, I am back.
Sorry for the delay.

Here we-oh, hey.
How are you doin'?

Hi! Hey, how are you?

I'm fine.
I'm fired, actually.

But, I'm fine.
How are you?

What do you mean,
you're fired?

Yeah. The guy
from the studio,
he came down,

And he told me
he was gonna let me go.

He let me go-that's
a euphemism, isn't it?

Like I'm trying
to go somewhere

And like I'm trying
to rip myself away,

When, in fact, what
they're saying is go

and don't let the creole
hit you in the ass
on the way out,

and the next time
a director asks you

to take care of his baby
because he's unable to,

don't forget
to turn the burner off.

Oh! I- I feel terrible
about that!

Don't you worry
about a thing.

I don't even know why
I wanted this job
in the first place.

I didn't even
really like the job-
oh, that's right.

The money,
I needed the money

to pay rent and to live
and to eat,

But, other than that,
I don't think I really
needed it, but, thanks.

I'm so sorry
that happened.

Don't worry about it.

Hey,
I have some leftovers.
Do you want anything?

I have, like,
smoked almonds
or, Snapple,

Or, spray cheese,
anything like that?

Really, not.
I'm so sorry.

Creamer? Tic tacs?
No? Nothing? Eggs?

No, really. I wish you
the best of luck.

If you ever
need a reference-

Fiddle faddle?

No. I couldn't
be more sorry.

Mr. Buchman, I do have that
periodontal appointment.

Yes, okay.

Again, I am
so, so, so sorry.

Okay, sweetie,
let's Mabel and daddy
go make a documentary

So sorry
that happened to you.

All right, everybody,
back to position.
Let's roll cameras

All right.
Sorry for the delay.

It's just been
a little crazy here.

We're shorthanded,
so I,

Okay. So, you were
the editor of the film,

The making of
Titanic.

Without which,
our film, The Making of the Making of Titanic,

Would just be
the making of Titanic,

And I'd feel just
a little less stupid
right now.

It's very nice
to be here.

Good. Now, I understand
you have some outtakes
that you

of actual film
with James Cameron
the director

That you chose
not to use in
The making of Titanic.

Yes.

Well, that's
pretty exciting, huh?

Yes.

Let's take a look.

[WHISTLING]

What the hell is this?

Aaah! Aaah! Aah!

Wowie.

You know, we sh*t
some much better stuff.

Well, let's see that.

We used it already.

It's in
the making
of Titanic.

You used
the good stuff, sure.

Here's something.

So, my very first idea,

the initial conception
of the film,

Was to use footage-
Jim?

Sorry. We're ordering lunch. What would you like?

Yeah, Um,

You know? I'll have
the chopped salad.

Okay.

No. You know what?

Maybe a sandwich.

I'm gonna do
the tuna sandwich,
no mayo.

Okay. Great.

No. You know what?
You know what?

Let's go back.
Chopped salad.

If they have tomatoes,
that would be great.

[MABEL CRIES]

Oh, okay. Shh, shh, shh.

Uh, the other actors-

you get any little pieces
of Leonardo or, Kate or,

Even Billy Zane,
I would take that.

No, um,
but, h-here's something.

And what about
that part when he goes,

"Shagilicious, baby".

What was it-"yeah,
baby, shagilicious."

That was great.
I love that part.

You chose not to use
this in your film,
you're saying.

We didn't think America
would be interested.

Watch me
put it to good use.

Okay. Shh, shh, shh.
All right.

You know what?
Let's just cut, g*ng.

[BELL RINGS]
Okay, all right.

May I?

Huh? Yeah, please.

Hey. Hello, little lady.

Do you know what
you were doing?

You were single-handedly
ruining

The making
of the making
of Titanic.

Now, you keep causing
a scandal like that,

they're gonna
have to make

The making of
the making of
the making of Titanic.

You don't want
to be responsible
for that, do you?

No, you don't.

That's, I'm taking you
home with me.

Excuse me?

I got a proposition
for you.

Excuse me?
No! All good!
All good!

Just don't use
the word "nanny."

No! Okay.

Yeah, 'cause when
you think of a nanny,

you think of an old
Ukrainian woman

who wears her hair in a bun
and hasn't had a bath
since thanksgiving.

Sure.

Russian thanksgiving,

Which is in,
Well, a long time ago.

Yeah, okay.
Forget that.

Either that, or, you
think of Mary Poppins.

Is that what
you're looking for,
like, a Mary Poppins.

No, not at all!

I kind of wanted
to be Mary Poppins.

Then you can!
You can be Mary Poppins.

We'll get you
a nice, big umbrella.

You can stand
on a fake roof

and sing
with d*ck van d*ke.
Would you like that?

Whatever you do,
just keep doing that.

What?

Just, Taking care of
my daughter like that.

Oh-you know,
I am a chef by trade.

Yes. No.
Of course you are!

Yeah. I mean, I was a star
at the culinary institute.

No. I know that.

Until I made gumbo one day,

and I blew the porch off
the back of the building.

They told me that
I had genius in my ladle.

And I'll betcha
they meant it, too.

Although,
I am broke.

Sure.

Yeah, 'cause I got
fired from that job

working on the film,
where I was getting paid.

Yes. I was there.
I remember.

And she is the most
adorable child I've ever
seen in my life.

Oh! Could you take her
in the bedroom?

Sure. And look at
her little tongue.

Take the little tongue
into the bedroom.
The fingernails!

In the bedroom.
The ears!

Take the ears
in the bedroom-

Hi.
Hi!

How was the rest
of your day?

Well, Henry Vincent
finally called.

That's good!

Yeah. From Juarez, Mexico.

That's not good.

And how was the rest

of the Making of the Making of the Making,

Shouldn't be making it,
I'll tell ya that.

Listen, we really gotta
talk about the reality

of our little
situation here.

I think it's time
we bring somebody in-

please don't use
the word "nanny."

Oh, believe me.
I'm not-

What is wrong with us?
We can't raise our child
by ourselves?

Sweetie,
this afternoon we almost
shipped our daughter

down to the lower lobby.

I still don't think-

Look, we have to get
somebody in here.

I don't want
to not get somebody

just so we can feel
like we're better parents

'cause we don't
have somebody.

No. You're right.
You're right.

We should act now,
instead of waiting

till we accidentally
mail her off to Bolivia
or, something.

Do you know how hard
it is to find
the right person?

I mean, my god, we have
to look at resumes.

We have to make sure
the person's qualified.

What if Mabel
doesn't like her?

It could take us
months and months-

Hello.

This is Nancy Bloom.

Nancy, this is
my wife Jamie.

Hi.
Hi.

Hi, there.

Sweetie, Nancy's somebody
that I think we should

Really, seriously
consider to be our nan-

Uh, child-rearing helper.

No.

Our child
specialist surrogate.

Our person
of baby helping.

Our infant-monitoring-
No.

Our specialist- our baby-
No.

Whatever it is,
i think she's very good.

May I ask
your qualifications
for the job?

I was a cook and, uh,
a little mistake-prone.

I see.

I, uh, started
a few fires.

Oh. Hey, we should
hire her right up.

Uh, yeah.
Excuse us one second.

I have a really strong-
I can't hear.

Hang on one second.

When you're facing
that-I can't-

Okay. Here's the thing,
sweetie.

I have a gut instinct
about Nancy,

and I really hope
you just trust that.

I'm sure you're wonderful.

Of course I trust
your instincts.

It's just, I don't
think you should-

Thank you very much.

I don't think you should
go offering your child

to a stranger just because
you have a gut feeling.

I think that's crazy.

I think she's hungry.

You're absolutely right.
She is hungry.

I have applesauce
right here in my bag.

I mean it has to be
more scientific
than that.

Who wants some food?

Who's the hungriest girl
in the whole,
wide world?

I'm not arguing with that.

Are we just gonna
go off half-cocked?

White spoon?
Yes, exactly.

The couch is good,
right?

She loves to eat
on the couch.

How do you feel
about some applesauce?

Honey, we're gonna
have to sit down

And find some
qualified candidates.

I know, I know-

Oh, my god.

And then maybe,
if we're lucky,
we'll find somebody.

Oh, this isn't
applesauce at all.

I think--

Why, it's bourbon.

[MABEL LAUGHS]

Okay. How did you do that?

What?

She probably
just got the joke

about the rabbi
and the priest.

Tell you what, we gotta
do something about these
sleeping arrangements, huh?

[LAUGHING]

You are a great audience,
you know that?

Here they come again.

How about
giving it a rest.

Okay!
So sorry!

[SNORING]

Uh,

Sir?

Okay. I'll just,

[SNORING]

Uh,

Sir?

Okay. I'll just,