02x14 - Chapel of Love

[bunniefuu]

"Love always,
I'll never forget--

Doug penhall"

"Love always,
I'll never forget--

Doug penhall."

Catchy, huh?

Susan atkinson.

How many are you
sending out?

About .

Two hundred?

Every woman I've ever dated.

Why?

Never fails.

One of them who hasn't thought
of my name in four years

Has just broken up
with her boyfriend.

She'll be charmed,
she'll call me.

And then?

We'll both go out.

We'll both be disappointed.

See? Never fails.

Why bother?

What happened to dorothy?

This thing with dorothy

Has been going on
since we were .

Never lasts more
than six months.

I got to plan for the future.

But you're going
to get together

For valentine's, right?

She's with her parents
this week.

How about you?

Going out with amy?

We had a little bit
of a disagreement.

I hate valentine's day.

Enough of a disagreement
to blow off

Valentine's day?

That's not a
disagreement.

That's a meltdown.

Or is it that you're too cheap

And you break up
before the holiday

So you won't have
to buy no present?

No, I hate
valentine's day.

Iok, got a date?

There's this girl
I just met

But it seems
too serious to leap

Into a valentine's
day date.

She blew you off, huh?

Basically.

Hey.

Ioki:
you spending the night
alone, too, jude?

I threw this on
to go to the gym.

Don't make a big deal of it.

I'm just going to dinner.

That dress makes it
a big deal.

Who is he?

Nobody special.

Assistant d.a. Lamar, okay?

Oooh.
Oooh.
Oooh.

It's just dinner.

On valentine's day.

On a school night.

I'll be home early, daddy.

How come she
has a date

And we don't?

Hanson:
it's the dress.

( Whistles )

Maybe she'll let
you borrow it.

Why are you
so happy?

It's valentine's day.

For once I remembered

To send flowers and candy
to my wife.

You going home
for a home-cooked meal?

You kidding me?

I just bought myself an excuse
for not coming home

For at least the next
five hours.

What are you
doing to do?

If I had a seven, eight...

Ten, jack showing

And raised

Would you match me?

You are talking about
the manly art of poker

On valentine's day.

Did somebody say poker?

I played poker once.

Night, guys.

Captain.

You got a date?

You are asking moi,
adam fuller

If I have a date
on valentine's day, harry?

That's right.

( Laughs )

No.

If blowfish raised $

On a possible
inside straight

Would you match him?

Depends.

What's wild?

Has he bluffed before?

Has he had much to drink?

What's his bank like?

Has he been
losing

The rest
of the night?

Gentlemen

Ante up.

( Whooping )

♪ We never thought of finding ♪

♪ The place where we belong ♪

♪ Don't have to stand alone ♪

♪ We'll never let you fall ♪

♪ Don't need permission ♪

♪ To decide what you believe ♪

♪ Whoo! ♪

♪ I said jump! ♪

♪ Down on jump street ♪

♪ I said jump! ♪

♪ Down on jump street ♪

♪ Your friends will be there ♪

♪ When your back is
to the wall ♪

♪ You'll find you need us ♪

♪ 'Cause there's no one else
to call ♪

♪ When it looks hopeless ♪

♪ A decision's what you need ♪

♪ You better be ready to ♪

♪ Be ready to ♪

♪ Jump! ♪

♪ Jump street! ♪

Seven card high-low
with a declaration, gentlemen.

I'm not sure
I follow this.

We told you
we're not buying

The "I never played
poker" routine.

Okay, I raise.

You can't raise until I deal.

I like blind raises.

We may have
a compulsive
gambler here.

Open for a dollar.

Two compulsive
gamblers.

I raise.

There you go.

You might want to look
at your cards first.

You didn't.

I'm a compulsive gambler.

This is pitiful.

Five guys on valentine's

And not one of us
has a date.

I almost had a date.

You almost had
a brutal fight.

Same thing.

I call.

Call.

( Laughs )

I just remembered the date
I had once on valentine's day--

The worst date of my life.

I took this girl, janet brown,
to the movies.

It rained.

It was a drive-in.

Had a convertible.

The top wouldn't go up
and the movie

Was tora,
tora, tora.

Then the car got stolen
and it wasn't even my car.

I borrowed the thing.

I've had worse dates.

So have i.

It's up to the pair.

Can I raise?

Good acting job, harry.

He bets a dollar.

Raise a buck.

Whoa.

Blowfish:
call.

I had the worse date ever.

It changed my life forever.

In.
Come on, forever?

Forever.

Get out of here.

Both:
throw in a chip, harry.

Poke, poke,
you owe me a coke.

I thought you were born married.

Just about.

No help...

Trips...

Why you in?

Very nice low.

I still haven't
recovered.

I was , had this thing
planned for months.

See, rosa d'angelo promised

That on her th birthday,
we'd go all the way.

Penhall:
poor rosa
d'angelo.

No, poor sal banducci.

( "Chances are"
sung by johnny mathis )

Blowfish:
the master was at work
making the final preparations.

Her father was bowling,
her mother was in
philadelphia.

Rosa:
sal?

I can't see a thing.

Penhall:
I bet your wife
was gorgeous then.

Blowfish:
no way. This is a true story.

Rosa, I love you.

I really do

And I'll respect you
in the morning.

Do you respect me now?

Hey! Are we gonna tell stories
or are we gonna play cards?

Good poker face, harry.

Penhall:
was she really into it, sal?

Blowfish:
she was crazy for me.

You know, if
he catches us

We're going to have
to get married.

Jesus?

My father.

Geez.

Rosa...

He won't
catch us.

He's bowling.

Nothing gets in the way
of his bowling.

Come on.

Come back here.

That's better.

What if he comes
back early?

He's not going
to come back early.

I want something
to drink.

Do you want a drink?

No, thank you.

Blowfish:
at this point

I had to start working faster.

I didn't want
to run out of time.

Actually, I knew exactly when
mr. D'angelo was coming home.

See, I had harvey messing--

My man on the inside.

Yeah.

No, look, I got him
in my sight, sal.

You're golden.

( Triumphant yell )

Tunnel of strikes.

Tunnel of strikes.

I believe that ties it up.

What say we double it up
for this last game?

You got it.

Whoa, great news.

They're upping the stakes.

Ten more frames.

That's minutes
of serious bowling.

Rosa:
sallie.

Who was that?

Oh, nobody.

Nobody called?

No, no, come.
Sit down.

That's better.

Penhall:
this sounds like your bestdate.

Fuller:
except it's with your wife.

Blowfish:
it would have been,
except for messing.

Messing.

Guy lost his cookies
in the can.

Grab your mop.

Messing.

Ow!

You...

You did that
on purpose.

It slipped.
Give me a break.

Blowfish:
"lou the house"

Was not a guy
you wanted to mess with.

He was big--
had his own zip code.

But if a guy

Can't finish a match
his team loses.

We ain't forfeiting.

You cheap bum.

Play by the rules.

Who you calling cheap?

Blowfish:
he was cheap.

He once tossed a quater into a
toll and missed.

He leaned out and forgot he had
a seatbelt on and got a hernia.

Blowfish:
by this time

I really had
to start moving faster.

Somebody's here.

Nobody's here.

I heard a car.

There's no car.

( Car door slams )

Yeah? Nobody just
opened the garage door.

Rosa:
there's no room.
There's no room.

Sal, I really think
you should go home now.

Penhall:
I'm starting to like
this story.

There's great potential
for tragedy here.

Damn kids leaving clothes
all over the damn place.

Rosa.

Rosa.

Blowfish:
I was a dead man.

Rosa.

( Moans )

Hi, mr. D'angelo.

Just call me... Dad.

( All laughing )

He had a brother
who was a priest.

So we got married the next day
at : a.m.

Big lou was not taking
any chances.

Gentlemen, my entire
wedding album.

What's ironic is that
we never did anything.

My wife was a virgin
on our wedding night.

Okay, guys... Look.

I'm not sure I understand this
idea of a wild card thing.

Doesn't matter harry,
you're winning.

Harry, look me in the eye and
tell me you have never played
poker before.

Just once, maybe twice.

Uh, sevens and tens are the...
Wild thing.

Sevens and tens.

Okay, tens and the guys
with the one eye.

Penhall:
I dated a girl
with one eye once.

She had two eyes

But had an
eye patch over one.

I think it was
for that one date.

Penhall, give me a break.

She tied me to the mast
of her father's sailboat.

Kept me there for three days.

It was the best weekend
of my life.

Admit it, penhall.

You've had at least
one bad date.

Okay, maybe once.

Mary lou and
betty sue fitzgerald.

Sisters?

Identical twins
and I'm talking cute.

I was madly in love

Or at least
filled with lust.

Which one?

Filled with lust.

Which sister?

They were identical twins,
man.

It didn't matter.

Penhall, you are a dog.

Hey, man, I wanted to go out
with these girls like forever.

I didn't care which, either.

So I run into one, right?

Uh, betty lou...

Hanson:
betty sue.

Betty sue...
At the supermarket.

I ask her out to dinner,
she says yes.

Then I call her up:
"are we still on for tonight?

: At the tiki room."

The voice sounded
exactly the same.

I didn't realize it was

The other one who answered
and agreed to go out.

I didn't find out until it was
too late.

Penhall:
we went to one of those
tahitian places

Where they've got the drinks
with the umbrellas in them--

With fruit mix and all that.

Two of those and you either
got drunk or sick or both.

So.

So.

That's a... Nice dress.

Thanks.

This... This restaurant...
Is nice, isn't it?

Hanson:
whose nightmare is this,
hers or yours?

Penhall:
I was nervous.

Hanson:
you were boring.

So how's the auto rental
business been?

It's made me understand

That there are only two ways
to live your life.

Weekly or by the mile.

That's funny.

You want to hear
what our specials are?

Betty sue:
why don't you
bring us

Anything that comes on fire?

Waiter:
are you kidding?

Most of what we serve comes
surrounded by a bed of flame.

I'll bring menus.

Is this place great or what?

Will you excuse me a second?

Blowfish:
great story.

So far you can't
make conversation

And you got to go
to the bathroom.

Penhall:
that's what did me in.

I should have gone
before I left the house.

Woman:
doug.

Oh, doug.

Wake up,
penhall.

I was beginning
to think you
wouldn't show.

Wouldn't show?

Well, you're
a little late.

Penhall:
then it hit me.

The woman I left
in the dining room

And the woman in the bar
were identical.

Suddenly I realized
they were both my dates.

Did I call you
and ask you out?

Yeah, of course.

And I accepted.

That's why we're here.

I didn't run into you
at the supermarket?

No, why?

Nothing.

Are you going to sit
or shall we go eat?

Penhall:
for a moment, I thought
about coming clean.

I've been thinking
about this for a long time.

You know those guys,
devil and angel

Who appear on your shoulder
right about now?

He won.

Me, too.

I've always thought of you
as being very special.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

That was stupid.

And greedy.

And stupid.

Hanson:
I thought you

Only wanted one of them.

Penhall:
I do, did... This way I could
double my odds.

Penhall, you are a dog.

Hey, what does it mean
when you have of one kind
and of the other.

Full house.

Ha, ha. Four kings.

Your full house is tens
over jacks.

Is that bad?

Tens and one eyed jacks are
wild. You have five aces.

I still think we're
being conned here.

Hanson:
penhall, you're a pig.

Your date's in the other room.

Penhall:
I know, but when you think
about it

Which one did I ask out?

Fuller:
dog.

Gosh, look
at the time.

I have this very
important phone call

I was supposed to make
five minutes ago.

Will you be
right here?

Yeah, I'm not
going anywhere.

I'm with you.

Right.

Waiter:
twins.

You're really going
after a pair of twins.

I swear I read about
this in forum once.

Look, I'm a guy,
you're a guy.

I'm proud of what
you're trying to do.

I'll help you
if I can.

But if I don't
see it in the tip

I'd feel it was
my duty to explain

To those fine women
what you're up to.

Percent and
their phone number.

Go for it.

Hanson:
I got it.
The waiter is the devil.

He was the little guy wispering
in your ear.

No!

Are you sure?

Yes I'm sure.

Just a guess, go on.

I'm trying to tell a story here.

Sorry.

Okay, so then she says "I was
beginning to worry about you."

I stopped to talk to a guy
I know at the bar.

Why not have him join us?

He's shy.

You met some woman
at the bar.

You're afraid
to admit it.

Fess up.

Okay, yeah. I did.

But she's
nothing.

You're special and I'm with you.

Penhall:
the girl in the bar

Was not my type.

Yeah?

Maybe I'm not here with you.

Maybe I'm not that special.

Maybe I'm mary lou.

I'm just kidding.

It's a twin joke.

Penhall:
after this, the date
goes fabulously.

I'm telling her stories

About dangerous sh**t-outs
and drug buys.

She's telling me about
corporate rates and leasing.

Blowfish:
I bet you were so nervous
you twitched.

Penhall:
wouldn't you be?

I had the chance of a lifetime
in the palm of my hands.

Sir, your
lights are on.

Your lights?

On your car.

I have a motorcycle.

That's what
I meant.

The one at the bar

Just went to check
the phones.

Where are the phones?

By the men's room.

I was going
to my car

To get some change
for the phones.

Long distance.

Why don't we go out to your car
and leave, douglas?

Penhall:
the thing is I can't
get out with mary lou

Who's in the bar

Because we'd have to get by
betty sue

Who's in the dining room.

I can't get by mary lou
to get to betty sue.

Those legs... Those...
Those everything elses.

I knew I'd never make it
by her.

Blowfish:
the same thing
is in the dining room?

Penhall:
I couldn't take the pressure.

Blowfish:
you wimped out.

Penhall:
I was surrounded
and decided to go

On a full retreat.

Dinner is served.

Penhall:
my escape attempt failed.

I was trapped like a rat.

I don't
even want
to ask.

Penhall:
I had to ride
this nightmare out.

Blowfish:
nightmare? You were with twins.

Betty sue?

What do you say
we get this food to go?

If we get hungry

We can light it
back on fire.

Just give me a minute.

I want to freshen up.

Friend, put out those flames
and box that food.

We're out of here.

What about the one
in the bar?

You're not quitting,
are you?

She's already turned
down three guys.

Oh, what happened
to your tie?

It was like this.

Ah.

You know those horror movies
where you're always shouting

"Don't go down to the basement?

"Don't look in the attic?

Don't look under the bed?"

Don't go in the bar, penhall.

Penhall:
suddenly, the ball game
was over.

I got caught and it was
overtime, but I lost.

There I was, caught
red-handed.

There was no hope
of getting out alive.

Then I realized it was
all a setup.

They both took me home.

I couldn't believe it.

They weren't mad.

They were excited.

This kind of thing
turned them on.

They decided to teach me
a lesson.

So the two of them
took me home.

And taught
me a lesson...

Over and over.

Let me tell you something.

I learned so many
lessons that night

I deserve an honorary
degree from dr. Ruth.

You call this a bad date?

Yeah, they
lied to me.

They lied to you.

This was a bad date

Because these
two women

Who were twins
who took you home

Lied to you?

Mm-hmm, and there's
one more thing.

More?

What else could there be?

After all this, there's more?

I made it up.

It's not true.

I never had
a bad date.

I'll k*ll you.

You get five cards.

Pass one left,
two right.

Guy on the right gets
to choose the cards

But doesn't
get to look.

Who doesn't
get to look?

Guy on the right.

The guy who
took two cards?

Just reach out
and grab two cards.

I learned this game
at camp wonkamanitoba.

I believe that.

Captain?

Way back, they wasn't letting
blacks into wonkamanitoba.

Take two cards.

Blowfish:
come on, hanson.

Tell us about the worst
date of your life.

I'm here to play cards,
not tell a story.

How about you?

I don't think
I've ever had a bad date.

All right.
Yeah, I guess I did.

Actually, I had the worst,
worst date of my life.

It broke up my marriage.

That's a clue.

He was married
and dating.

Well, it wasn't exactly a date.

But it ended up like a date.

And it was a mistake.

This was way back,
when I was a patrolman.

Hanson:
how far back?

Fuller:
way back.

Hanson:
not back to the time
when you wore stupid sideburns

And bell bottoms?

What is so funny?

( Laughter continues )

Are you done, gentlemen?

I was young.

I didn't know better.

Besides, it was regulation.

Not that mustache.

I had been assigned
this woman partner.

She was one
of the first on the force.

Lynette johnson.

Quiet enough for you, fuller?

Think they put us
out here

To keep me safe?

They put a woman on the force

And you want special treatment
because you're a minority?

Yeah, I'd like to be put
in danger

By something
other than your driving.

Lynette was likable.

I liked her.

It was the sexual revolution.

She was coming on to me.

Not all the time.

Every once in a while.

It wasn't like my father
ever taught me to resist women.

I wasn't prepared
to fend her off.

She was also driving
my wife crazy.

Now, pass one
to the left.

You get to choose.

Pass two
to the right.

Sounds like she had reason
for being crazy.

Not at first.

Sometimes you spend more time
with your partner

Than you do your wife.

And in this case, my partner
happened to be

A very attractive woman.

Any reason for her
to be jealous?

No.

Well, not then.

You guys stop after work
sometimes, right?

Have a drink with your partner.

Or get a meal.

Nothing wrong with that.

Dinner sometime?

Sure.

We believe you.

Anyway, they put us
in the norwich district.

It was incredibly boring.

Days went by without a call.

And although everyone
was very liberal then

They were afraid to put a woman
in a dangerous situation.

So we were baby-sitting an area
where nothing ever happened.

I'd been married
for almost seven years

And things weren't going
too well.

And, well...

I don't know.

It's not
my business

But why do you
stay married to her

If you're this
unhappy about it?

My son.

That's not a good reason.

Unhappy marriage
is no place

To bring up
a child.

I should know.

We should go see a movie
sometime.

Come on.

You, me, alone in the dark.

You'd like it.

Oh, I don't know.

I've been in the dark before.

Oh, thank you.

Penhall:
you in or out?

What?

Costs $ to stay
in the game.

Oh.

I bet for the guy

On my left?

No, I don't think so.

Oh.

New deal.

Five card draw.

No weirdness.

So you were saying...?

Oh, yeah, well...

It was a slow night.

Nothing was going on.

We couldn't even get a decent
radio station.

Lynette finally laid it
on the line.

"Why don't we take
a long coffee break?"

Guys:
you got to be kidding!

Fuller:
it was the height
of the sexual revolution.

You were
on duty.

Hey, I'm human.

It happens.

I thought your wife
had no reason to be crazy.

She was crazy
before there was a reason.

Well, now there was a reason.

So was it worth it?

I was terrified.

I'm not that kind of guy.

It was a lot worse than that.

For the first time
in damn near ever

Some criminal got lost,
wandered into norwich

And committed a .

Nothing ever happened
in our district.

Do you read, ?

We missed the call.

And we weren't off the clock.

What happened?

We weren't even aware
the call existed.

We came back out
after it all, and...

We were brought up
before a review board.

There was
an investigation.

I testified
where we were.

I was a police officer.

I was sworn in.
I told the truth.

I testified exactly
as to where I was

Who I was with,
and what I was doing

At the time of the call

And why I hadn't
responded to my duty

As a police
officer.

Ka-boom.

It ended my marriage.

How did your wife know?

The checks were going
to stop for six months.

I had to tell her.

I came home after one shift
about a week later

And found everything
I owned stacked outside.

I threw away / years
of a relatively good marriage.

We haven't
talked since.

I call.

Hey, nobody d*ed.

My wife remarried, okay?

So cheer up.

Gentlemen, we're playing
poker in a church.

We're going
to burn for this.

So who's in?

I'll match you, sal...

And raise you five.

Call.

Penhall:
mr. Fuller, two pair.

Blowfish:
I thought you
were bluffing.

I thought I was bluffing.

You could see my card.

Could we go back
to -card draw?

All right, this is a raid.

Gentlemen, you seem
to be involved

In illegal gambling

On police premises.

There's only one
of you, copper

And five of us.

What are you going to do?

Join in the next hand.

All right.

Hanson:
what happened
to your hot date?

It wasn't so hot.

It ended.

Penhall:
he let you get away...

Wearing that dress?

He didn't let me get away.

I escaped.

But that was much later.

First off, the guy was late.

Then I had forgotten
about the bow ties.

Penhall:
he wears bow ties?

Hoffs:
hey, that's the least
of his problems.

Sorry, judy.

Things got
tied up.

You know how it is.

Judge brinker decided
to hear one more case

Before the end
of the day.

Half of the witnesses
had gone home.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Well, it's good to see you.

Yeah, it's really
good to see you.

I've been hoping to see you
for a long time.

Well, I didn't know.

That's real sweet.

Yeah, I've seen you in court

And everything...

I ask people about you.

So, this is like
our second date, huh?

If you count the sandwich

From the courthouse vending
machine a date.

I do.

So, have you ever
been here before?

No, but I've had sushi before.

But you've never
been here before?

No.

This place is kind
of a special place.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah.

Come on.

I want to show
you something.

It's not like
other sushi bars.

I mean, I love this place.

You have a hard day at work.

You spend all this time
repressed and angry

And then you can come here.

For sushi?

For complete release.

I love this place.

And... I think I love you.

Can you believe that?

All:
no.

Hanson, it's your turn.

If you don't tell your story

I'll sit on you.

Okay.

It was
the valentine's day dance.

I was years old.

Diane thompson had agreed
to go with me.

You look lovely, diane.

Thank you, mr. Hanson.

Ready to roll?

Sure, dad.

Penhall:
you took your date

To a valentine's day
dance in a squad car?

How romantic.

Hanson:
yeah, I did.

Midnight, sport?

Come on, dad,
we talked about this.

: ?

Okay. : .

Only because I trust diane.

Thanks, mr. Hanson.

( Bee gee's "night fever" )

Thanks, dad.

Excuse me.

You won't bring charlie,
will you?

Sure. He'd love to see your tux.

I'm kidding.

I'll drop him somewhere.

Thanks, dad.
Have a good time.

Thanks.

Your dad seems really nice.

So what does he do?

Oh, geez, I'm sorry.

Must have dozed off.

Forget it.

I was just kidding.

Look, you don't have
to tell your story.

No, I want to tell it.

You know something,
charlie?

I can't believe
tommy's already .

Believe it.
You're an old man.

Thanks.

Doesn't seem like more
than a week ago

That margaret and I were dating.

That was a week ago.

That doesn't count.

That was our anniversary.

Tommy's a good kid.

( Joe walsh playing
"rocky mountain way" )

Where are we going?

Come on.

Where we going?

Just come on.

What are we doing here?

Why did you do that?

It's valentine's day

And I like you.

We're at a dance.

What do you want
to do, dance?

I'm not much
of a dancer.

Where did you learn
how to do that?

Dancing school.

Anyway, it's the prom.

I make my entrance
in a lime-green tuxedo.

Yeah, so?

Yeah, so?
It's !

Nobody's got
a lime-green tuxedo.

I had it made because
I'm the master of ceremonies.

How did you
get picked that?

I rigged the vote.

Hey, frank, two cups.

I've got to make a pit stop.

What's wrong
with you?

Nothing.

Sure? You don't look good.

Have you been eating here?

( g*nsh*t )

I don't know why--
he's never late.

I had a nice time.

You weren't such
a bad dancer.

You weren't such a bad kisser.

Yeah?

We should do it again sometime.

Let's not wait
till valentine's day.

Okey-dokey.

Finally.

Tommy, are you okay?

Charlie's still on patrol.

My father never made it out
of the emergency room.

Look, I dealt with all this
a long time ago.

Charlie rosemont sat me down--
he told me what happened.

I'm proud of what
my father did that night.

And I'm proud
to tell you about it.

But...

It still doesn't mean

I've got to like
valentine's day.

New deal.

That's not fair.

What?

You hate valentine's day

So you picked a fight
with amy on purpose.

No.

You did.

She's probably still
feeling bad.

That was hours ago.

Hanson.

New deal.

All right.

Here, cash me out, fishman.

Put it in the safe, will you?

It's four bucks.

Guys, I know it's officially
after valentine's day

But could I buy
you a drink?

All of us?

Yeah.

I never refuse a drink
from a beautiful woman.

According to the penhall
rules of dating

It's not the next day

Until the sun actually rises.

So?

So, it's still valentine's day

And we got dates.

Well, date.

Okay, date.

Let's not be picky.

Blowfish and ioki:
yeah.