02x16 - Say It with b*ll*ts

[bunniefuu]

In 1972, a cr*ck commando unit
was sent to prison by a m*llitary court...

for a crime they didn't commit.

These men promptly escaped
from a maximum-security stockade...

to the Los Angeles underground.

Today, still wanted by the government,
they survive as soldiers of fortune.

If you have a problem,
if no one else can help...

and if you can find them,
maybe you can hire the A-Team.

I thought you were supposed to be
a big, fancy, hotshot weapons dealer.

What, you got some
kind of weird conscience?

Is that it?

Suit yourself, man.

As long as you can get us enough weapons
to make the 6:00 news start at 5:00.

I have what you need,
what you do with them is your business.

- I make no judgments.
- Yeah?

- Where do you get them from?
- You want them or don't you?

You've got to understand
there are other sellers.

Not with what I've got.

You want the best,
we do my terms, my price.

When I'm ready.

You better start getting
your money together.

There are other buyers.

Sir, I want out. I can't justify it
no matter how much money's involved.

You want out?

I'll give you out.

Good morning.

Fräulein, you are obscuring
the configuration.

- What?
- You're blocking the bones.

You know, my brother used to draw.

- What was his name?
- Paul.

Have you seen anyone waiting around here?

No, no one.

Sorry I interrupted you.

I came here for help.
I think someone's playing games with me.

I love games.

Especially when I know...

the cards everybody else is holding.

Eyeball, this is da Vinci.
Any loose Feds around out there?

Hello, Wally?
This is the Murdock.

There's not a whole lot going on out here.

Somebody who looked like Lumpy went by...

- But that's all.
- Give me this thing.

All clear, Hannibal. Nobody followed her.

But this here fool thinks
he's a 1950s TV star.

I'm gonna cancel him out for good.

Just relax, B.A., and keep watch.

As long as I don't have to watch him.

Leave It to Murdock, fool.

What did all that mean?

It meant the A-Team just doesn't meet
a dish who's in the US Army...

without knowing she is who she says she is.

I'm Hannibal Smith.

And I'm Templeton Peck.

Everybody's got an angle these days,
know what I mean?

I'll watch the hallway.

We thought you were okay after you talked
to the pretzel vendor on Redondo Pier.

He told us about your brother's m*rder.

You already know about his m*rder?

You and the pretzel man
must have had a long talk.

We're close.

What else did he tell you?

There was some arms trafficking
on the US Army base...

that you and your brother were stationed at.

And that before his death...

your brother was scheduled to drive
the stolen hardware off the base.

Paul got scared.

He wanted out.

Great reason to k*ll somebody.

Just a crazy thing.

I can't even go to the base commander
because I don't know if he's in on it.

That's why I came to you.

Do you know who actually supervised
the moving of the weapons?

Lieutenant Mason Harnett.
He works in the base armory office.

The armory. Perfect.
He live on the base or off?

He's got a house off the base.

We'll run the address down.

- Does that mean you're gonna help me?
- Lady...

a lot of people got
some funny ideas about us...

including the US Army.

But when some sleaze
like Harnett comes along...

stealing Army weapons
and murdering people in the process...

we're as patriotic as the Pentagon.

Consider yourself helped.

You just hired the A-Team.

Thank you.

I just love picking locks.

Eye-hand coordination, you know?

Invaluable tools.

B.A., check out the front.
Murdock, get the rest of the house.

Closets, drawers, everything.

Regular stationary store.
This ought to be easy.

Guys, is it just me
or is this an awfully nice house...

for a lieutenant's salary?

This guy's got another house. At the beach.

Take a look at this.

Harnett hired a 10x15 space...

at the U-Store-It-Warehouse three days ago.

10x15. Plenty of room for a lot of fire power.

Enough to do anything you want.

Colonel, something you ought to hear.

We're buying, Harnett.
Call us tomorrow at noon.

Don't miss it.

- It's the weapons, what are we going to do?
- Get there first.

Hi. We're here to take a look at number 86.
Name's Harnett.

Thanks.

Come on, Face. What happened
to all that eye-hand coordination?

I'm concentrating.

Don't rush genius.

Right under the freeway. Interesting.

Voilà.

Exploding supermarket.

This stuff's got to be worth
a fortune on the street.

I wonder who the customers are.

Somebody's on a shopping spree.

Well, Colonel, what now?

Now we're all going to get back
in the United States Army uniforms.

Fixing to mess with the US Army.

We're in trouble now.

This makes no sense.

Why would Smith call me
and tell me the g*ns were here...

if he'd just taken them.
He'd be pointing the finger at himself.

Didn't expect them to be easy marks,
did you?

If they didn't take the g*ns, who did?

They took the g*ns. But not to run them.

He wants to use them
as evidence against Harnett.

You see, right now,
he believes what you've told him, Corporal.

So he's fallen for the trap we set for him.

He even told you he was coming
to the base to get the goods on Harnett.

That means I've held up my end of the deal
that you came to me with, Colonel.

I've delivered the A-Team to you.
Now you hold up your end.

We'll get Harnett for murdering your brother.

Just as soon as I get
the A-Team behind bars.

Listen, Hannibal, there's about
100 reasons why I hate this plan of yours.

But my biggest objection...

even bigger than my objection
of letting someone else drive my Vette...

my biggest objection is sending
the Golden Age of Television here...

to back up Tawnia while she tries to scam
a piece of scuzzy luggage like Harnett.

Thanks for your support, Facial one.

I think it'd be wise to send someone
to back her up who is a little more jelled.

You know, other people have feelings.
And they hear these snide retorts.

And sometimes they'd just like
to change your channel...

and send that crumbola attitude of yours
back to Mr. Rogers' neck of the woods.

Channel changer, Murdock?

Yeah, it's usually for me.

You know, if I get tired
of Ozzie and Murdock...

or I Love Murdock or...

I flip through the dial
and it's time for Bachelor Murdock...

or Have Murdock - Will Travel.

"And now it's time for the weather."

- See what I mean?
- I'm warning you, sucker.

Anymore of this TV talk,
I'll snap off your rabbit ears.

Take it easy, B.A. Get that bug for Tawnia?

Now you have to plant that on Harnett.
As soon as you can.

Murdock will be
around the corner.

I can hear everything
over the receiver in the van.

If he tries anything, I'm all over him.
I'll even make his brown eyes blue.

Remember, Harnett's supposed
to make that call at noon.

You got to get that bug on him before that.

- And you got to get in close.
- Don't worry, guys.

I'll have Harnett broadcasting
loud and clear.

Hannibal, this is the craziest plan
you ever had.

In case you forgot,
the US Army's looking for us...

and you're just waving a red flag.

Yeah, just like a matador.

Help you, sirs?

Colonel Harrison Smith.
Pentagon Inventory Section.

Yes, sir.

Well, gentlemen...

- into battle.
- He says it like it's a joke.

This is ain't no joke, man.
This whole thing is crazy.

Hannibal, I can't believe I let you talk me
into coming on this base.

Better close the door, B.A.

Corporal Brown.

You're here?

Trick or treat.

Corporal Brown, would you mind
showing us Harnett's office?

We're about to make him think
the Pentagon's giving him a dry shave.

Of course, Colonel, follow me.

Harnett, you messed up.
You had visitors at the warehouse.

We had to take the stuff so we decided
to hang out at your house.

By the way, you're running out of food
down here.

- Lieutenant Harnett?
- Yes.

I'm Lieutenant Parks.

This is Colonel Harrison Swift.
Pentagon Inventory Section.

We've been sent here
to look through your files.

Sergeant Barker will be examining them.

You know Corporal Brown
who has been asked to show us around.

Let's see the records.

- Dismissed.
- Colonel?

Dismissed, Lieutenant.

Yes, sir.

Man seems to have a problem, Hannibal.

They get like that when they think
you've been reading their mail.

We're gonna lose him.

We got someone on him
the minute he goes out the gate.

Now, remember...

this whole bag of bulbs is like that episode
on Have Murdock - Will Travel...

I was telling you about where the bad guy
is galloping along on his horse.

Up rides this mystery chick...

on a muscle bound palomino
called "Pucker-up-handsome."

Yeah, I saw that, I think.

In fact, you were real good in that one.

That's my cue.

Please don't lose me, Murdock.

Harnett just left the base.

- They're in his office.
- Good.

I want all gates sealed.

And I want a quadrant of men
around this facility.

Over 70 square miles, Colonel.

Underestimating the A-Team
is exactly the mistake...

that allows them to escape over and over.

- We're not making that mistake.
- Decker.

You are not sending my command
any longer than necessary.

Now you call the Pentagon
anytime you like...

they will tell you stay out of my way.
That's what you better do.

Now, I told you, Murdock...

you are not coming to the club
to meet Mr. Cesar Romero.

And that is the last word.

I'm telling you, Hannibal,
these books are very sloppy.

Harnett couldn't hide it if he was swiping
typewriter ribbons, much less weapons.

We're gonna deliver him wrapped in a bow.

Hey, Hannibal, look.

- How'd they know?
- He was tipped.

Or it was a trap.

- Or both.
- Boy, I hate situations like this.

You go in trying to help mankind...

and all of a sudden, you realise you're
adjusting your halo in a two-way mirror.

Smith. This is Decker.

Lady, you are lucky I have manners.

You wouldn't like to hear what I say
to people who lie to me.

It's over, Smith. You lost.

I was having such a nice day.

Don't worry, he'll give us a minute
like he always does.

You've got 30 seconds
to give up your weapons...

before we open fire.

Got to give him credit, he's learning.

There's the warehouse, guys.
Lets see what's in it.

Hey, B.A., take a look at this.

What do you say we get out of here,
before Decker decides...

- to fly a B-52 over this place?
- Good point.

Tear gas.

How convenient.

You guys grab anything you like,
but don't sh**t the Army boys.

It's not their fault they're there.
Corporal Brown, come with us.

Take cover.

Hold your fire. They've got Corporal Brown.

I want them and I want them bad. Move out.

- How big did you say this base was?
- 75 square miles.

That's what I call a real hideout.
Let's go, B.A.

I don't know, Hannibal.

Somehow I feel like we might be sitting
right on the bull's-eye.

Relax, Face.
The last place they'd think to look...

is the house that Decker
is staying in while he's here.

I mean, people often overlook
what's right under their nose.

- Right, Charlotte?
- You got something to say, say it.

Okay, you ran us into a buzz saw, why?

Decker promised if I delivered you,
he'd deliver Harnett.

And Harnett did really k*ll my brother.
That part was the truth.

You came down on the wrong side, honey.

We could have got Harnett for you.

You don't have to side up
with a shark like Decker.

Are you guys kidding?

Playing holier-than-thou
after you ripped off the g*ns...

from Harnett's warehouse?

The g*ns?

If we took the g*ns,
why would we come here?

- We could have just split.
- Lady, if we don't have them...

and you don't have them...

and we know Decker wouldn't steal them,
who does that leave?

What did you find, Sergeant?

g*n collection in the den.
Big stereo, lots of records.

Hey, look at this:

Sounds of w*r.

Colonel Decker, sir?

- Telephone, sir.
- Who is it?

He says his name is Colonel Smith.
Says you know him.

- Trace it.
- Yes, sir.

- Decker here.
- Hello, Decker, how's tricks?

Get smart, Smith.

You and your people
are at the bottom of a well.

- The only way up is past me.
- Anything you say, C.D.

But just thought you'd ought to know...

you're chasing the wrong guys.
Harnett's got the g*ns, not us.

You blew it, pal.
By the way, good luck with the trace.

- They're running the trace.
- Dismissed.

If they don't get it...

I want a listing of every phone
in every building on this base.

You understand me? Every building.

- Yes, sir.
- Dismissed.

Sure you don't want one?

I can't. I like to drive, remember?

- I didn't think you'd be leaving so soon.
- I didn't say I was.

Why don't you make yourself
comfortable? I got a call to make.

But I only have so much patience.

- Good.
- I'll miss you.

We went to an Army base...

and decided to follow a soldier home
when he picked up a pretty girl.

Right now he has no idea...

that we're playing a harmless little joke.

And that our entire Candid Murdock
audience can hear every word.

Let's listen in and have some real fun.

- Yeah.
- Shaw. It's Harnett.

Lieutenant, we were starting to wonder
when you would call.

You owe me money. $500,000.

You owe us, jerk. We saved you.

Those guys at that warehouse
were sh**ting back.

We could have been hurt.

You try and not pay me, Shaw,
and I'll blow your cover.

Listen, genius. What about you?

If you rang the bell, they'd know you were
out in the halls between classes, too.

And then you ain't no "A" student no more.

Listen, nobody rips me off.

Especially some two-bit like you.

Say pretty please.

And then maybe you can come on down
and get your money.

I guess the laugh's on him,
because what Mr. Harnett doesn't realise...

is that the Candid Murdock
has been recording the whole thing.

Boy, I sure as heck wouldn't want to be
in his Army boots.

What's wrong? Bad news?

Small business problem.

What say we just kick back and relax?

What's that thing?

Nice car, big flashy smile...

this little number tucked in my collar.

What are you?

Army Intelligence? CIA? What?

I don't know
what you're talking about, lover.

I'm just looking for some fun.

Lover, you made a big mistake.

You may as well talk now.

Hold it.

I think that it might help to take
the safety off this time.

Thank you, Tony Murdock.

Tony will be back later to teach you
how to play with g*ns.

First, I have an important message.

- You're in deep.
- Yeah?

I think we're doing fine,
since I'm gonna lock you in a trunk...

the size of your nose.

And then I'm going to eat the key.

We got the whole thing
on tape, muchacho.

You were selling hardware
you never should have been selling...

to guys with shifty nostrils.

We know they ripped you off
at the warehouse, too. We know everything.

You're facing a pretty bleak future, pal.

Nothing to fret about here,
just a little civil defence matter.

He has volunteered to be
"Citizen Victim for a Day"...

and he's pretending he has contracted...

a highly contagious,
toxic, intergalactic virus.

We're carting him away
to be steamed, pressed and hot-waxed.

You registered to vote?

Only got 10 minutes. School 231.
Tell them I sent you.

Fergus is the name. Eagle Street.

All right, Captain Doo-Dah,
you have a choice.

You can tell us
where Shaw hid the goodies...

or this gal and I'll pretend
it's our honeymoon...

and we'll drag you like a tin can.

Now start talking.

Got it.

Prepare to move out.

The trace came through.

They're hiding out in the guesthouse
where I'm quartered while I'm here.

Sounds like Smith's sense of humor.

That guesthouse is the pride of the base.
I'm not letting anybody sh**t it up.

Don't even think about it, Decker.

- Don't.
- Prepare to move out.

- Here they come.
- Good.

I hate to be kept waiting. You go with Face.

Okay, B.A., it's show time.

Smith. This is Decker.

I've given orders to fire, Smith.

Quit while you're still alive.

He's always so pompous
when he thinks he's got us cornered.

Let's drop a little ice down his pants.

Return fire.

A t*nk. Really?

Really. Right over here,
I heard it roll up.

Face, my boy,
things are starting to look really good.

Man, it's really going to hit the fan now.

- Flank groups are in position.
- Go.

Let's go.

Come on, Face. We got a t*nk.

Think you can handle it, Sergeant?

Just leave the driving to me.

Empty?

The whole place was rigged, sir.
Like sprinklers on a timer.

We poured thousands of dollars...

worth of amm*nit*on into this building,
destroyed this house on a joke.

A joke!

Get to the jeep. I want them.

Right on track, B.A.

Once we get past this bunch,
it's a clear run to the perimeter fence.

We're practically in civvies already.

Aren't you getting ahead of yourself?
That's not the Cub Scouts out there.

You really get a kick out of this, don't you?

Just fire the g*n, Hannibal,
and get it over with.

We ain't got time for the jazz.

I ever tell you guys about my childhood?

Hannibal, could we do the retrospective
some other time?

See, I was the kid
who always liked waiting on Christmas Eve...

even more than I liked opening the presents
the next morning.

But the next morning
when I started ripping...

I started ripping.

The man's amazing, you know that?

He never knows when his tail's whipped.

Yeah, the man's as crazy
as you are, Hannibal.

He just needs an aspirin.

They're gonna take a sh*t.

How to win friends...

and influence people.

Colonel, are you okay?

Burn some tread, B.A.

You act like you're playing a game.

What else is there, Corporal Brown?

Besides, I love it
when a plan comes together.

Vanman to Vetwoman.
We're about 5 miles from base.

What if they've really been caught this time
and can't meet us?

Then I believe I'll have
a traumatic experience.

Ever notice you run into
the nicest people in tanks?

What are you so worried about?

When he gets there, we cancel his warranty.

Nobody knows who's got the g*ns.
It's simple.

Yeah, sure, simple. Fine.

Only, you're making a mistake if you think
he's going to show up here alone.

He ain't that stupid.

So? Got a suggestion?

We make like the shadows at high noon.

We take the stuff and we vanish.

Sure hope Charlotte will be all right.

I wasn't crazy about dropping her
and Harnett on the road back there.

Don't worry about her, B.A.
She's got her brother's k*ller.

She's where she wants to be.

Now we gotta get those weapons back...

before the streets are on fire
in half a dozen cities.

We got to change clothes.

- Know how to find that address?
- I do.

I hang out at the beach quite a bit.

I see.

We'll have to take these on the first run
and come back for the rest.

You stay here and make sure
Harnett doesn't show up and make trouble.

If he does, float him away.

Sit tight, Tawnia.

Book him, Dan-O.

Back off.

Some people never learn.

- It was a good show, B.A. Maybe my best.
- Maybe your last.

These the only guys in the van, Murdock?

Yes, I checked for invisibles,
but they didn't have any.

Good. Now...

I have a feeling that's Colonel Decker.

We'll leave you guys to him.
Should be an interesting conversation.

You'll love him.
He's a real party animal. Let's go.

- Where are they?
- What's it worth to you, doughboy?

Maybe helping you get off a little easier.

You shouldn't have said maybe.
That gave them the edge.

Well, we didn't get paid,
but we did manage to frustrate Decker...

which is almost as good as money.

How's the smoke back there, ladies? Great?

- Great.
- Good.

I wish I could pay you more,
but on my salary, this is as far as I can go.

I misjudged you people pretty badly.

Nobody can blame you for trying
to find your brother's m*rder*r.

I for one am not gonna be chintzy
with the applause.

- I'm impressed.
- I know you are.

You don't even know what I'm talking about.

Sure I do.

You're impressed because
we managed to inv*de an US Army base...

drive their tanks around,
stay in the guesthouse...

and blow out of there without a scratch.

- Well, that's part of it.
- I wasn't finished.

We also managed to put away Harnett
and his ugly cousins Shaw and Noche.

And give Decker an ulcer in the process.

- Yeah, I think that about...
- Good.

Just didn't want to miss anything.

Hey, kids, do you know what time it is?

Do you?

Hannibal, if that fool
don't stop that crazy TV talk...

I'm gonna knock him out
over the airways for real.

It's Howdy Murdock Time.

Maybe our big buddy Mr. Baracus
would like to hear a song.

How about Frère...

This thing's got a volume control.

Yeah, now we're talking.
Least some of us are.

That's more like it.