07x01 - Season Opener

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[HUMMING]

[SNIFFS]
Ah.

[HUMMING]

Oh!

[♪♪♪♪♪]

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart
As much as you ♪

♪ Tell me
All your secrets ♪

♪ And I'll tell you
Most of mine ♪

♪ They say nobody's perfect ♪

♪ Well, that's really
True this time ♪

♪ I don't have the answers
I don't have a plan ♪

♪ All I have is you ♪

♪ So, darling
Help me understand ♪

♪ What we do ♪

♪ You can whisper
In my ear ♪

♪ Where we go ♪

♪ Who knows what happens
After here ♪

♪ Let's take
each other's hand ♪

♪ As we jump
Into the Final Frontier ♪

♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I'm mad about you ♪

♪ Final Frontier ♪

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Okay. I am off
to the new health club,

then Chinese food,
then bra shopping.

Sweet and sour soup,
please, and I'm a -C.

And Nancy will bring Mabel
back around : .

Great.

I like having a nanny.
Is that wrong?

No, sweetie.
[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Coveting your neighbor's
wife is wrong.

Also, cock fighting I've always
thought was wrong.

Splinky.
How you doin'?

Is James home?

Uh, she's
in the bedroom.

Good. Quick.
Come here. Look.

Uh-oh.

Guess what's in here.

A Chevy Impala.

What?

It's obviously aspirin.

No, it's not.

Okay, well,
don't say it like that,

it's an aspirin bottle.

You think I'm gonna make

a big deal
about aspirin?

How do I know?
What is this?

This, my friend,
is Viagra.

Really?
Yes!

Huh.

Isn't this amazing, Paulie?

A pill that can do
what that does?

Uh-huh.
I mean, in the old days,

our forebearers,
when they got into trouble,

they did not have a pill.
All they had

was their shame, and the wrath
of their womenfolk.

This is so true. Huh.

Hey, sorry.
What?

I didn't know
you were having trouble.

I'm not having any trouble!

Hey, it happens.

You're not exactly
a kid anymore.

Paulie, I am not
having any trouble.

I am as reliable
as the sunrise. Even more so.

So what are you doing
with that stuff?

I was curious.
Uh-huh.

I was! I was curious,

I had curiosity,
I sought knowledge.

So where'd you
get that stuff?

I lied to my GP.

You lied
to Dr. Campbell?

Yeah. So?

My god.
Aw, come on, Paulie.

Look me in the eye
and tell me

you are not just
a little bit curious.

Why would I be curious
if I'm not having a problem?

Because you never know.

Maybe this stuff could make you
run a little faster...

jump a little higher.

I run and jump
just fine, thank you.

You mean to tell me
there's no room for improvement,

that you get the be-all
and end-all of erections?

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Neighbors.

You're a new father,
Okay?

You're exhausted all the time.
Your life is chaos,

a symphony
of self-sacrifice

in which your body
is a daily casualty.

Surely that takes
some sort of toll

on your sexual prowess.

Put down the sandwich,
come on.

Why do you always think
you can come in here

and just make
yourself a sandwich?

Give me that.

Get outta here,
just go.

And take
your Viagra with you

because nobody here
is interested.

Viagra? Can I see it?

Yeah, sure.

Look, it's so pretty.

Can we keep it?

Of course you can.

We don't needthat.

No, but aren't you
a little curious?

No, I-- Am I the only one
willing to leave

erect enough alone?

We have neighbors.

Come on, let's see
if it does anything. Let's play.

...Really?

Why not, it'll be fun?

[STUTTERING]

Oh...kay.

Yay!

So, listen.
You take it about an hour

before you're
gonna have sex,

and then for four hours
thereafter, your erection--

Hey!
Hey, hey, hey.

Hey.
Hey.

Hey!
Hey.

All right, all right,
can we stop?

Listen, you take the Viagra now

we'll make love
when I get back.

Does that
work out for you?

It's outstanding.
Now, I gotta tell ya,

there may be
a few side effects.

Here we go.
Okay, what?

Well, i-it could
give you a headache.

All right.

And an upset stomach.
Okay.

And it may give everything
you see a bluish tinge.

Now you're just
making stuff up.

No, I'm serious.
A bluish tinge?

What the hell kind of
side effect is that?

I'm just telling you.
A bluish tinge,

plus patients apparently think
they're Sergio Franchi.

Come on, it'll be fun.
Don't you think it'll be fun?

I do. I think this'll be
nothing but tremendous fun.

A little fun wouldn't be
the worst thing in the world.

Okay. Yes. Hey, no question.
Here we go.

All right.
I'm just gonna...

[WHISTLES]

Here we go.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, are you okay?

[GAGS]
That's a big pill.

Want me to
cut it up for you?

No. I'll be fine.

We could grind it
into a powder.

No.
Roll it up in a piece
of cheese?

I'll be fine.

Okay.

Ahem!

All right.
Here we go. Ready?

Yeah.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[GULPS]

[SCREAMS]

I'm kidding.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Higher, Paulie.

Lower, Ira.

Aunt Syl, how much longer
is this gonna take?

My arms are spasming.

Just wait.

Oh, my god.

Ooh.
What?

Ooh. Okay.

I have, uh, have to
report of myself

that I notice a...
a certain fullness.

What?

A certain fullness...
happening.

Don't make me spell it out.

Oh.

You must love
aircraft carriers.

It looks terrible
so far to the left.

What a minute,
you mean to tell me

that you're experiencing
a fullness

even while listening
to your mother's voice?

[CHORTLING]
Yeah.

Hello!

Is anyone with me?

Of course.
Mm-hmm.

This pill is
something special.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Oh, excuse me--

[GROANING UNINTELLIGIBLY]

Do you know
where the showers are?

[GROANING]

I'm sorry, I--

Forgive me, I just--
I didn't--

[GASPS]

[PANTING]
Out that door.
Down the stairs.

Thank you. So sorry.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY]

[CONSTRUCTION TOOLS BUZZING]

Oh, god.

Oh, god, oh, god!

Hello?

Hello!

What kind of door
doesn't have a...

Thing?

Hello!

[CONSTRUCTION TOOLS BUZZING]
[CAR HORNS HONKING]

Hey, pal!

You don't
even turn around?

Eat more!

Oh, god, no. Hello?

Hello!

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[WOLF WHISTLE]

Nice to see you.

How are ya?

WOMAN:
Oh, my god.

[MEEKLY]
Hello.

[MAN CHUCKLES]
WOMAN: Look at her.

Hey, hey.
Ooh.

WORKER:
Hey, mama!

Pardon me?

Hey, mama.

Nice cookies!

Let me explain
something to you.

We are living
in a civilized society.

I don't know
if you've heard,

but we have rules of conduct,
so get a clue.

What makes you think

you can speak to strangers
that way?

"Hey, mama."
"Nice cookies."

How long did it take you
to think up that one?

You're just gonna say,
"Hey, mama."

And last minute you thought,
"Oh, I know, nice cookies."

You are throwbacks!

You are mouth breathers,
and the train of evolution

is leaving
you all behind.

Oh, oh, oh.
What's that?

Woo woo! It's the train
of evolution, now leaving.

All aboard. But, sorry,
not the mouth breathers.

"Hey, mama."
"Nice cookies."

You're pathetic.

Excuse me.

What?
Excuse me.

Hey, mama.
Nice cookies.

I take...so much
of what I just said back.

All of it, in fact.

The cookies look delicious,
and you have a lovely son.

And now
I go that way.

Oh, ma'am, I'm sorry,

but it's awfully
dangerous back there.

You can't walk in there, ma'am.
It's horribly unsafe.

I have to go
all the way around?

I'm afraid so.
I mean if you got hurt...

We just couldn't
live with ourselves.

Oh, well... Thank you.

Thank--uh...
All the best.

Stay well.

[WORKERS CHATTING INDISTINCTLY]

Taxi!

Hey, you want
to share a cab?

No.

No?

MAN:
Lincoln Center.

But I'm a cute girl
in a towel!

JAMIE:
Oh. Taxi?

Taxi?

Sorry!
[DRIVERS SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

Taxi?

[RELIEVED SIGH]

Animals.

Huh? Oh. Yeah.

Staring at you like there's
nobody else on the road,

like they never saw a pretty
girl in a towel before...

with long blond hair...
creamy-white skin, and a...

A titillating scent
of vanilla.

C-could you watch the road?
Oh.

[TIRES SCREECH]

Animals!

You know what? All I need
to do is get around the block.

Gotcha. I'll take Fifth.

What?

Well, th is
one way against me,

and th is total gridlock
right now

because Tony Blair's
in town.

Tony Blair gets gridlock?

I guess.

Whatever.

I'm gonna take
the West Side Highway.

Well, listen,
do you understand...

I need to get...
Right over there.

The fastest way
around the corner

cannot possibly be
a seven block detour.

You want
some chicken?

No. Thanks.

I'm good.
I had a cr*cker in April.

You're not from here,
are you?

I'm from here.
I promise you,

Fifth will move
like the wind.

[HORNS HONKING]

Well.

When you're right,
you're right.

Excuse me.

Are you sure you
don't want some chicken?

Yeah. Next time.

Phone. Phone. Ph--
What are you lookin' at?

Phone. Phone!

Phone.

Okay. Never been happier,

Never been happier,
never been happier.

Hey! Horse poop.

♪ Never been happier
Never been happier ♪

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

Sir.

Well, the question is,
how do bands of light

behave when they
enter the water?

Do they...bend?
Do they...

Do they...

Do they bend, or--

Sir,
may I use your phone?

Bands of light, you see,
when they enter the water,

Perhaps they bend,
perhaps they don't!

[STUTTERING]

I'm just gonna borrow this
just for one second.

Uh, but it--

Say, "Good-bye,
bands of light."

Bye, bands
of light.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

That was
a pleasant stroll.

James?

You'll only attract more
attention by walking that way.

You try walking when you're
pharmaceutically enhanced.

When is James
coming home?

I don't know, she should've
been back already.

My head
really hurts now.

Really? Hey, maybe
you're getting the side effects.

Does
your stomach hurt?

It's not
my favorite stomach.

Oh, man.
What color is my hand?

Blue?

Actually, no.

Oh, my god.
Everything here is blue.

It is?
Yeah.

Paulie, my shirt?
It's blue.

Murray?
Blue.

This orange?

Don't ask me everything
individually,

I'm saying everything is blue.

I'm sorry,
it's fascinating.

Did you get these side effects
when you took it?

I didn't take it.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]

What do you mean,
you didn't take it?

Why would I take it if I could
get you to take it?

Hello?

Don't ask me to explain.
Just understand.

I am wrapped in a towel,
and I need you

to bring me
some clothes.

Well, why would I need
an explanation?

In the front closet,
there's dry cleaning.

Okay. In the front closet,

dry cleaning.
Yes, sir.

You see
the blue dress?

I see a whole bunch of 'em.

Well, pick one.

I will meet you
at the Empire--

[TELEPHONE STATIC]
The what?

Let's meet in the lobby
on the Fifth Avenue entrance.

[STATIC]
Honey? Honey?

You're breaking up.

Oh, no, wait.
I will meet you--

You're break--
Honey? Ah.

What happened?
The phone went dead.

Where is she?
I don't know.

She said, "I'm at the Empire--"
And then static.

"Empire--"
[HISSING]

"Empire--"
[GARGLING]

"Empire--"

I'll meet you
at the rd Street entrance

because there's only one-- Ah!
But it's a freight elevator.

I know. I know.
Here's what we'll do.

We will meet
on the observation deck.

Be hard to miss me, I'll be
the girl in a towel. Okay?

Empire, empire, empire...

Empire... Hotel.

Nah.
Empire Diner?

No, no. It's like Empire...
At the Empire...

[HISSES]

You, the Empire--
[HISSES]

I got it,
Empire of the Sun.

Okay, A, no.

But I know exactly
where it is now.

Where?
She said she was going

for Chinese food, that could
only be Empire Szechuan.

No kidding?

Absolutely. Blue dress,
blue dress, blue dress...

Blue. Dress.

Here we go.

Hello.

Hello?

Hello!

[GRUNTS]

Your phone cut out!

[STUTTERS]
Unbelievable.

They got a pill
for your penis,

you can't finish
a phone conversation.

So Empire Szechuan?

You are correct, sir.

How you feelin'?
Same.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Oh, could I borrow a quarter?

Yeah.

Oh, sorry--

Heh, thanks.

They're yours.
Thank you.

Oh! It's breezy, isn't it?

Uh, I have to go.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Excuse me,
I'm looking for a woman--

[SCREAMS]

--a woman in a towel.
A towel.

Hey, whoa!

Don't look, Marion.

Look, no woman was here
in a towel. Okay?

Are you sure?
Because she said--

Yes, I'm sure.
She said Empire--

Um, please...
Go outside.

I'm just--I just--
I'm trying--

[STAMMERING]

Look. This is a...

A family restaurant.

Thank you for this pill,
by the way.

Hey, how do you think I feel?

I can't walk in there anymore.

If I could get
physically close enough

to punch you, I would.
Where are we going?

I don't know, I'm just running
for my life at this point.

Wait a minute, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

What?

Jamie said she was going
bra shopping.

So?

So, bra shopping.

Put two and two together.

How many places could--
Yes!

Do you have a listing for a...
Empire Brassiere shop?

Or, uh, Empire Bras or...

Bras of the Empire?
Anything like that?

[CHUCKLING]
Bras of the Empire.

Empire Lingerie.
Perfect. Where is that?

Right near the house.
Thank you very much.

Okay, don't
ever doubt me.

How are
the side effects?

Not so good.
my head hurts,

My stomach's k*lling me.
Yeah?

Things look blue?
A little bit.

Hello, officer.

Did you know that
if you spit from this height,

by the time it reached
the ground, it would be hail?

What?

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Hi, excuse me,
is there any chance a woman--

Oh, sir, for god's sake,
she's a mannequin.

Don't sh**t, don't sh**t!

Not a g*n, not a g*n!

The money's
in the register.

Not a g*n!
It's not a g*n!

How do I explain--
Oh...

Sorry, ladies.

Paulie, forgive me,
but why don't you

just go home and
relieve yourself?

Hey, hey, hey.
That's not the kind of thing

you talk to a person about.

And, two, it ain't
gonna happen anyway.

Why not?

Because, this is...

You know
how the weatherman says

this is one of the ten great
days of the year?

Yeah.
Okay, well,

picture a lovely day
in June, okay?

And I ain't wasting this one
on a picture of Steffi Graf.

Yeah? Steffi Graf?

Yes, thank you.

The point is,
vitality like this

does not grow on a tree,
my friend.

And if it did, you wouldn't
want the tree to prune itself.

You're quite
the poet, Paulie.

Meanwhile, maybe
if my head could just explode,

it would feel a little less
painful than this.

Your stomach
still bad, too?

Stomach? Yeah.
How's the blueness?

It's vivid, man.

It's really blue.

Postmen are dressing really
well now, aren't they?

Yes, they are.

Empire what?
Empire something.

Like Empire--

You should be
ashamed of yourself!

Oh...so what is it?
Empire...

Empire--
Look at this.

Jerry Seinfeld.

Oh, my god!

Oh, boy, I gotta
tell ya...

I'm sorry
to bother you.

[STUTTERS]

Yeah, I know.
you're my, uh... biggest fan?

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

Uh, No. No.
It's not that at all.

Um, my wife is a big fan--

No, my wife is a big fan--

Would you mind--
One autograph?

I-I don't--
Sorry to bother you!

Please, Jerry?
Sorry, sorry.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

You happy? Now you're
scaring famous people.

I thought he
would've been nicer.

So what're you gonna do?

So what'd she say?
She said Empire...

Something. Empire what?

Empire-- Hey, don't look at me
like that, it's weird.

Shush. I'm thinking
of something.

You can think without
looking at my fullness, please.

Hey, hey, hey, I got it.
What?

The empire
state building.

Well, A, thank you.

And, two, yes!

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Excuse me.
Could I use your phone?

Sweetie, I love you.

Please? Just for a second.
It's an emergency.

Honey, I promise,
nothing in the world

could ever come between us.

I'll call you back.

James!

Paul!

Am I glad
to see you!

Yeah. Clearly.

Sorry.

What took you so long?

It's a long story.

Just, come to the elevator
right now, please.

Right now?

Believe me,
you're gonna like me...

very much.

All right.

I'll just take
the stairs.

Woop! You may
want to stand back.

[PEOPLE COMPLAINING
INDISTINCTLY]

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Wow.
I know.

That was one long elevator.

Thank you.

Ha, ha!
And we have two hours

till the baby comes home.

Look at that.
What do you wanna do?

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Sweetie?

Pookie?