07x02 - A Pain in the Neck

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

PAUL:
Come on, Mabel,
just say anything.

[MABEL COOS]

Oh, my god.
Did you hear that?

Mabel just spoke.

Oh, she did not.

Right there.
It was her first words.

Uh-huh.
What were they?

She just said,
"On Wisconsin."

I see.

Hey, I'm as surprised
as you are.

But clear as a bell, she
said, "On Wisconsin."

Why would she, really?

Why? I don't know.
Maybe she hates Michigan.

I promise you
she will talk soon.

All right.

TV:
Tell her you'd marry her
all over again.

Tell her you love her
more than yesterday,

but not as much
as tomorrow.

Mmm, tell her that
next Thursday

you will love her
more than next Wednesday,

but not quite as much
as a week from Saturday.

While in the month
of July,

oh, how you'll love--

Oh, he loves her!
What's that?

More than yesterday,
but not as much as tomorrow.

That's so sweet.

Oh, sweetie,
not to burst your bubble,

but he's an actor.

Would you do it all again?
What?

Marry me.

You mean, now that I know
you're sappy?

I'm serious, are you sure
you'd marry me again,

right now,
if we met today?

Instantly.
Instantly, I would.

Then let's do it.

Do what?
Let's renew our vows.

I don't, uh...

I don't even know
what that means.

Let's renew our vows,
let's get married again,

in front of God
and everybody.

Okay, God, maybe,
but another seating chart,

frankly, my head
would explode.

It's been
such a long time.

Yes, but it's
sort of like...

[STAMMERING]
The vow--
It's a vow.

Once a vow is a vow,
that's a vow.

Yes, but we're not
who we were then.

Look at us.
We're sleep deprived,

We're knee-deep
in work and poop

and projectile squash.

Honey, we're the same people,
essentially,

we're just
a little more disgusting.

Those are the people
that need to renew their vows.

The disgusting people?

There are
new things to say,

things we didn't know
when we got married at .

We weren't .
We were young.

We weren't thatyoung.
Oh, we were soyoung--

Okay, okay, we were
very young.

We knew nothing!
Can I tell you something?

When we gave our vows
the first time

and I promised to swear
to respect, and honor,

and tell the truth,
the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth--
That still stands now.

Fine.

Can we discuss this another
time, like, I don't know, never?

My throat is doing something
horrendous inside.

Oh, suck it up.

I'm sorry?

I'm gonna be
folding laundry

till about
the year .

I have a few of
my own problems, okay?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

So I'’m guessing
in sickness and in health,

not a big part
of the new vows.

Hello. I just
came by to drop off

a present for
my favorite baby.

Is she gonna
love this or what?

A truck?

Yeah. Why?

A truck?

What's wrong with you?
What is wrong with her?

What is wrong
with you?

Hey, what's
wrong with you?

Huh? Oh, I got a throat thing
going on--

Oh, god, all right,
excuse me.

Let me see if we have
any sniffling-sneezing

my-husband's-
a-big-wussy medicine.

You're so sparkly.

Is everything okay?

Huh? Yeah, it's fine.

All right.

Hey, Mabel,
look what Uncle Ira

brought you, a present.

Can you say "truck," huh?
Truck?

Can you say "truck"?

[GURGLES]

Wow.
What?

Did you
hear that?

She just spoke.
She just spoke!

She did?
Yeah, she just said,

"Sausages are free."

I think
it was gurgling.

Clear as day,
she just said--

She just said,
"Sausages are free."

Honey,
did you hear that?

JAMIE:
It was gurgling.

All right.
What's that from anyway,

like, is that from
the Bible or something?

"Sausages are free?"

Yeah.

Yes. Yes, it's
from the Bible.

Yes, it is.

Book of Jimmy Dean,
chapter , verse .

Oh, like you're
Cardinal Cushing.

Oh, boy,
it's like a Kn*fe

being shoved down
my esophagus.

It's like
broken shards of glass,

like swallowing
the whole glass.

Like a gunnysack of ouch
is surrounding--

Oh, my god.
Tea, okay?

Sweetie,
this is something.

This is no kidding around.
I'm calling Dr. Hazelkorn.

It's a sore throat.
Drink your tea

and don't talk
for eight seconds.

Mmm. Hi.
This is Paul Buchman.

Here's the situation.

I can no longer swallow.

Oh, it's like hot lava.

It's like
a sword swallower's

first day on the job.

You know, like, picture
a thousand nails--

I'm just trying
to give you a sense.

Wednesday?
Next Wednesday.

That's kind of a--

Here's the--it's like
rusted barbed wire

being just pushed down
my windpipe--

Tomorrow?
Well, that's better but I--

To be honest--
Picture hot bacon grease

if they're pouring it
down in your raw gullet

and you get burning--
I'll be right over, thank you.

[♪♪♪]

[GURGLES]

Did you just say,
"You've got mail?"

Hey!

Hey.

Guess what I am?
What are you?

You are looking
at a little miss mentor.

I don't know what
you're saying to me.

It's like big sisters.
I've been selected

to give valuable life guidance
to a little girl.

How in the world
did they select you?

I stole your résumé
and put my name on it.

Lisa!
That Yale thing you did,

I really get that now.

Oops.

Oops?

Emily.

You left her in the hall?

She has to learn
to love herself.

Emily, this is Jamie.

Hi, Jamie.
Hi, Emily.

It's nice to meet you.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Excuse me, Emily,
one second.

Ok, Emily,
we have a big day, okay?

We need energy food.

Do you have doughnuts?

Hello. Hi.

Never mind.
We'll figure it out.

Whenever you go
to a person's house,

you always take
their doughnuts.

So, what did they say,
you gonna pull through?

Oh, my god?
You're kidding? Today?

Oh, my god. Okay.

I'll be right there.

Come on, you cute thing,

we're gonna go see daddy
in the hospital.

He has to have
his tonsils out.

[GURGLES]

[SPEAKS IN GERMAN]

[♪♪♪]

Oh, sweetie.

Hello.

Oh, look at you.
Are you okay?

Mm-hmm.
Oh,

I'm so sorry.
It's okay.

I didn't know
you were really sick.

How could you know?

I'm sorry I told you
to suck it up.

Forget it.

I'm sorry I brought
you tea only grudgingly.

Didn't even pick that up.

Tell me what you need,
is there anything

I can do for you?

You'll be happy to know
I'm in excellent hands here.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.

You really shouldn't
be making him talk.

That really hurts,
doesn't it?

[SLURPING]

Oh, those great big tonsils
can be painful.

And you've got
the biggest tonsils

I've ever seen,
heh, heh.

Oh, this is Jamie
and Mabel over there.

Hi, I'm his--

Hello, Mabel.

[GIGGLES, COOS]

Oh, you were right.
She is adorable.

I heard about you too.

You did?

You know,
I really can't blame you

for not noticing
little medical things,

being so busy and all.

Honey I had to talk
about something

during the sponge bath.

I picked these out
just for you.

Anything strike
your fancy?

[HUMMING]

I'll be right back.

All right, listen--

[WHISPERS]
You know, I really think

he needs his rest now.

[WHISPERS]
I really think
I knew that.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
That's the fastest
I ever hated anyone.

She's a godsend.

All right.

I get it. All right?

What?
If I won't help you,

the pretty girl will.
I get it.

Good.
So skit over?

No.

Paul, you poor guy,
your tonsils.

I feel so terrible.
Are you gonna be okay?

I hope so. Bye.

That's called,
"Showing your face."

Who-who's
The little girl?

Lisa's protégé.

Why?

Paulie, Paulie, Paulie,
look at you.

Splinky,
is this something?

What are you, like, now
and getting your tonsils out?

So?

No, it's cool there's
a six-year-old next door

with an enlarged prostate.

Hi, Paulie.
Mommy's here.

Okay, I'm officially seven.

How do you feel?

Shh. Don't talk.

What did they say?

Shh. Don't talk.

Who is this doctor,
and why

didn't you
call Dr. Fishman?

Shh. Don't talk.

[MABEL BABBLING]

Oh!

My angel,
ha-ha-ha!

Come here, come here,
Come here, come here.

Ma, she's there.

Mrs. Roycroft's granddaughter
said her first word.

We're hoping soon,
Sylvia.

You know what Paulie's
first word was?

Mama.

Shocking.

Can you say "grandma?"

Mabel, can you say
"truck?"

Can you say "truck?"

Truck? Who gives
a girl a truck?

It's a brave
new world, Aunt Syl.

When I was a kid,
I had my tonsils out.

Everybody ate ice cream.

Me, too.

Maybe we should
get ice cream after.

Do you want Haäagen-Dazs
or Ben & Jerry's?

Haäagen-Dazs is
around the corner.

Oh, but Ben & Jerry's,
my god.

Starbucks java chip.

[ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

Hello, hello!
Surgery.

It's almost time.

Now, I know you're
probably scared,

but don't you worry
that handsome head.

With the anesthesia,
you won't feel a thing.

And when it's over
and you wake up,

I'll be there.

Oh, thank god.

You're such
a pretty girl.

I wish I had
another son.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Sweetie?
Yeah.

Listen, I want your face
to be the last thing I see,

Just in case, you know?

What just in case?

Listen, with
general anesthesia

you never know
anything could hap--

[TUTTING]
Those words never
came outta your mouth.

It's a long sh*t,
you have to acknowledge--

It's time,
Mr. Buchman.

Okay, it's time.
Thank you, Gino.

All right,
here we go.

[GROANS]

You okay?

I always make that noise.
Oh.

Okay, Paulie, here we go
right this way.

You know something?
You're gonna be just fine.

And then you're gonna
play with your daughter

and her truck.
Can you say "truck"?

"Truck"? Come on,
say it, Mabel, "truck."

MABEL:
Schmuck!

Oh, my god.

Sweetie,
she spoke.

MABEL:
Schmuck.

Yeah,
that's the good news.

The bad news is she's grounded.
[DINGS]

Schmuck.
IRA: Oy.

Schmuck.

I can't tell this
to Mrs. Roycroft.

Aunt Syl,
it'’ll be fine.

Undo this.

Can you say "mama"?

Schmuck.

It's hard
not to take it personally

when she's looking
right at you.

Mr. Buchman,
the doctor is waiting.

Yeah, okay.
Would everybody just excuse me?

I'd like a minute alone
with my wife, please.

What is it?
Schmuck.

I just--

I just want
to say something to you.

Should anything happen--
I mean, I know it won't,

but better safe than sorry.

What is it?

I--
[EXHALES]

I want you to know...

that you are
the single greatest blessing

I have ever received.

I mean, I don't know why
we're put here on this Earth.

I don't know
what they want from us.

Except, I have always known

that I am supposed to be
by your side

and taking care of you
and having a family with you

and making you happy.

I-In a universe that's,
like, percent disappointment,

You...you are
the one sure thing.

You are the proof
that life is good.

You are my life.

What the hell's
the matter with you?

Hmm?

How could
you do this to me?

What?

They're gonna operate
in four seconds,

you give me a speech
like that?

Just a sec--
I was fine.

I know that.

It's a tonsillectomy,
for crying out loud.

I was going to the cafeteria
to have a sandwich

now I think I'll just
pace a hole in the floor.

It was just in case,
like cautionary--

Well, thank you very much.

It's a hypothetical,
in case. In case-ily.

Mr. Buchman,
we really have to go.

You go
enjoy yourself.

I can'’t, honey--

I'll just be here
grinding my teeth to dust.

Schmuck!
You said it.

But, honey--

This was a very hostile
thing to do.

Hostile?
How was that hostile?

I'’m saying!

[♪♪♪]

Can you say "hand?:"
Huh?

Please? "Hand."
Schmuck!

Can you say "Jell-O?"
Schmuck.

Mabel! Okay, can you say

Lillian B. Saltzman
Memorial Corridor?

Schmuck.
James?

Keep working.

Come on...

[♪♪♪]

Oh, hello.

Oh, hi.

What a beautiful baby.

Yes.
Schmuck!

Oh, my.

I'm sorry.

Schmuck!

Is there something
I can do for you?

Uh, no, not really.
But thank you.

Okay.

You know...actually,
you know what?

Yes?

Sell me.

I'’m sorry?

I mean, I am not
a religious man.

No disrespect,
but you know,

I got a business
that I run,

and I date
a little bit.

And, you know,
I'm curious,

and if you could
maybe sell me,

that would be great.

Well, that's really
not something I do.

Oh.

What is your...
pardon my ignorance,

but what is your
conglomeration?

I sort of represent
everybody.

Oh.

That's wild, you know,
I actually...

I've actually
never prayed.

Would you like to?

It's all right?

Absolutely.

Yeah, yeah, sure.
Okay, good.

[SIGHS]

Hello,
and thanks for coming.

Uh...

You know,
I would like, please,

if it's no trouble,

health and happiness
for my entire family.

World peace, please,
and an end to all suffering.

That would be nice. Um...

I would also like to meet
a nice woman,

if you have an extra.

Oh, oh,
and could you please

send some consistent pitching

for the Yankees
in the playoffs?

And--and--and an end
to world hunger.

Oh, and I'll tell you,

I would love to see
South Pacificrevived again

because, as you know,
that's one hell of a good show.

Oh, damn.
I just said hell.

Oh, crap.
I just said damn.

This is not easy.

Uh, what else? What else?

Oh, an end to disease,

uh, the return
of candy cigarettes?

I guess...

I guess that's about it.

Schmuck!

Oh, yeah. Mabel.

You know, you'd get me
out of a major doghouse

if you could clean up
Mabel's mouth.

Yeah. That's it.

Okay, thank you.

So, uh, hallelujah.

Signing off.

I rejoice in your house.

Thou have a nice day.

Happy trails to you.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

Hang on.

Excuse me,
help me out here.

How do I end
one of these things?

That was fine.

Yeah, really?

How did it go?
Is he okay?

He should be
coming out of it soon.

Was everything routine?
Any surprises,

any complications?

Step away
from the patient, please.

I'm sorry, but you
can't come in yet.

But when he wakes up,
I'll be sure to tell him

how much you cared.

Uh, Diane--

Is it Diane?

Yes.
Come here.

Ow!

All right.
There you go.

Sweetie?

Ew.

[SIGHS]

Ow!

Oh, my god.
Don't ever die.

Give me my Romeo.

And when he shall die,

take him and cut him out
in little stars

and make the face
of heaven so fine

that all the world
will be in love

with night.

Did I ever tell you
I played Juliet

in the fifth grade?

I did.

Opposite
Steven Palumbo's Romeo.

Oy. What an actor
he was.

He started crying
during my monologue

when he was supposed
to be dead,

because he said I was
leaning on his arm.

Oh, my god.
Don't ever die.

I have so much more
to tell you,

and I'm not interested
in telling it

to anyone else.

And I'm not saying
I'd be helpless.

I mean, I'm bright
and fairly good with money.

I mean,
I guess I'm cute, right?

You would say,
"What, are you kidding me?

You, my little friend,
are a perfect example

of beautiful."

And so, I am.

'Cause I am nothing more
or less than what I see

in your eyes
when you look at me.

Do you know how long
I waited for you?

My mother used to say
I was too picky,

or afraid of commitment
and that's why

I was still unmarried
by the age of almost .

But the truth is,
I was just looking for you.

Do you know
how close I came

to being a narrow,
cold, mistrustful woman?

You have given me a life

so big and full

and good and fun.

I don't even know
what we do, really,

besides clean up
and complain

and wish
we were sleeping.

But with you, somehow...

fun.

And I'll
tell you a secret.

When we got married,

I couldn't imagine still
wanting to be with anyone

all this time later.

But I do.

It's a miracle to me.
You...

are a miracle.

You've made me happy,

which is something
I never, ever

thought I'd be.

Honey?

Are you up?

Sweetie?

Diane?

What?

[MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY]

Remember, I used to have
that eye problem.

Honey, no, you know,
I was clearing my throat,

and it came out...

[SPUTTERING]
Ga-ga-Diane.

Oh, my ga-ga.

No, you know what
I was thinking?

Diane Sawyer did a piece
on hospitals, remember?

Where you going?
Don't go, don't go.

James, James-- Oh!

[♪♪♪]

So, what I'd really
like to ask, lord,

is why do I always
have to play a chaplain?

I mean, I can be tough.

Watch this.

Fredo, you broke my heart.

You talkin' to me?

You can't handle
the truth.

Leave the g*n,
take the cannolis.

Get your hands off me,
you damn dirty ape!

Soylent green is people!

So, what do you say, lord?

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

Just asking.