07x03 - Tragedy Plus Time

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mad About You". Aired: September 23, 1992 – May 24, 1999.*
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Paul and Jamie Buchman face an unexpected challenge after 25 years of marriage when their daughter moves away from home to study at university.
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07x03 - Tragedy Plus Time

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[♪♪♪]

He's dead!
I know.

Alan's dead!
I saw the whole thing, hon.

My ex-boyfriend
is gone forever.

Yes, but on the good side,
husband's still alive.

You know what, sweetie?

I understand.
I really do. I get it.

You do?

Yeah. I mean,
it's upsetting

when someone your own
age just passes away.

It shines such
a disturbing light

on your own mortality.

Nah, that's not it.

That's not it?

No.

Oh, I know what. Yeah.
You're thinking of his family.

My God. How hard
is that for them?

You know, to be snatched
out of their midst

so before his time.

They couldn't have
been ready.

No.
No, not that?

Is it that it's just
so stupid

for a grown man to get
k*lled from a bee sting?

Sorry.

So what is it?

Paul, I loved him!

You did, huh?

Well, once. I loved
him once.

Was it just once?

At one time. I loved him
at one time.

Oh, I knew that.
I knew that.

I mean, I continued to love
him after that one time,

but at one time
I was in love with him.

Hmm.

And when someone you were
in love with dies,

no matter how much time
has passed,

a little part of you
dies with them.

I did not know that.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Just wait till one
of your ex-girlfriends dies.

Hey, one already has.

Who?
Heather Locklear.

She's not dead.

No, but I said hello to
her once in an airport,

nothing back.

She is dead to me,
my friend.

Hi, baby delivery!
Hi, smunkey.

Did you have a good day?

Just perfect.

Our day wasn't great,
but Mabel was.

We'll talk about it later.

I'm sorry. Somebody asked me if
I had a great day,

and I tell them the truth.

Later is the time that
we'll talk about it.

All right. I'm sensing
something, you two.

Why don't you tell me?
What is it?

Just having a little problem
setting a date for our wedding.

Yes. One of us would like
to do it reasonably soon,

while the other's
waiting for what? What?

Wooga! Wooga. Got
a nice piece of that one.

What is with him?

Ever since we got
the golf channel.

Whoa!

Who puts a TV
right there?

Right now to Chelsea Piers
and hit some balls.

No, I'm okay. I don't have
to go to Chelsea Piers.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Ohh! See,
damn visitors.

What I need is a nice course
with no doorbell.

That's what I need.

Hi, Pete.

It's Paul. Please.

Hi, Chris.

Jamie.

Uh, this is Chris,
Alan's brother.

This is my sister-in-law
Debbie and--

and, um, my friend Joan.

Hi.
Hi.

What are you doing here?
Is everything all right?

No. My brother d*ed
of a bee sting.

I understand. I meant
within that context,

is everything all right?

No. I should be
at the wake,

but I wanted this
out of my house

before the rage and bile
that it inspires in me

came gushing out
all over the sides of myself.

Oy. Okay.

What is it?

Why don't you stick it
in your VCR and find out, Pete?

All right.
Thank you.

We were so sorry to hear
of your brother's passing.

We were, all of us.
We're very moved.

Just watch the tape.
Okay.

Hi, everybody.

Oh, Alan.

Hi, Jamie.

Welcome to my
last will and testament,

as witnessed and notarized
by my lawyer

Mr. Daniel Kaufman

of the firm Michael,
Best, & Friedrich.

Hi, folks.

His lawyer Zeppo.

ALAN:
Okay.

I, Alan Tofsky,

being of sound
mind and body,

do hereby leave everything
I own in the world

including all
my personal items,

and about $ , --

Uh, actually,
if I may, Alan--

Oh.

Uh, $ , .

Right. After lawyers' fees,
$ , .

Anyway, I leave it all to the great love of my life--

and the greatest
regret of my life--

to the only woman

for whom I ever felt
transcendent feelings,

one Jamie Buchman.

Oh, my God!

Okay. Easy, Jamie.

I still think you're nuts.

It's just that
I've come to realize

that you're worth it.

No one has ever
moved me like you did,

and ever since
I broke up with you--

I broke up
with you, pal.

No, Jamie, I broke up
with you.

No, you didn't.

Yes, I did.
No, you didn't.

Yes, I did.

Sweetie, you're
arguing with a VCR.

Shh!

No, you didn't.

Yes, I did.

Damn it!

You see? You see, Jamie,
the simpatico?

Not even Pete can deny

that there is a profound
connection here.

How hard it is
to say Paul? I don't--

Shh! Shh!

And in the years since
I broke up with you,

I've been walking this earth
knowing that my life

was out of kilter and--
and incorrect somehow,

because I was not walking
beside you.

Oh, shut up, would you?

Don't tell him
to shut up.

You know what?
You can shut up, too.

Just shh! Shh!

No knock on Pete.

Pete's a perfectly nice guy,

if you like that type.

But I think
we both know that

what you and I had
was, uh...

Whew! On a different plane.

Okay, where is his body now,
'‘cause I find this--

So if you'll allow me
this humble gesture

of leaving you everything
as though you were my wife,

because I feel that if there
were any justice or poetry

in this world,

you would've been my wife.

You were the one.

And then you were
the one that got away.

Ha!

Go ahead and smirk.

You deserve it.

You won.

I love you.

I always have,
and I always will.

And I know that
someday we will meet again.

You'll see.

Dan.

This will is binding
in all states

and the District
of Columbia.

No alteration, refutation,
protestation

or repudiation of this will
is or will be

entertained by
the executing parties.

We grieve deeply
for your loss.

Holy smokes!

What did you do
to my brother?

Nothing. What--

You bewitched him!
No!

You're a witch. You're a witch!
She's a witch, Pete.

Okay. A-- Kindly stop calling
my wife a witch, please.

And -- where does he get off
saying, "We'll meet again"?

Does he not grasp the fact
that you are Pete's wife?

Your brother
was very romantic.

Thank you
for seeing that.

Did anybody want to watch this
again, '‘cause the part about--

I don't believe so.

[♪♪♪]

PAUL:
So now her ex-boyfriend's
every possession

is being delivered to our home.
So what?

So I don't want
to look up on the shelf

every day
for the rest of my life

and see Alan Tofsky's
tchotchkes.

Please!

I'll tell you
something else.

I don't want his lousy
$ , , either.

Debbie said after taxes
it's more like , .

Are you kidding me?

No.

Uncle Sam with
a healthy bite there, huh?

I know.

Well, whatever it is,
I don't want it.

Why not?

Because it's
his love money.

That's his
"he loves you" money.

That's the money of his love,
and I don't want it.

We can use it for Mabel's
college education.

No. That's exactly
what I don't want to do

is have your ex-boyfriend put
my daughter through college.

Listen, when she's
going to a frat party

and drinking beer
and throwing up and everything,

I want to pay
for that.

This is the dying wish of a man
who is now dead.

You must grant
such a wish.

Who are you,
Don Corleone?

I must grant such--
What are you talking about?

I'm talking
about respect.

You know, this is what really
gets me, Sheila, is there's

not even so much as a nod of
recognition from my friend here

that this whole business
is just entirely unseemly

and it's inappropriate.

He's dead, Paul. He doesn't care
about being appropriate.

Well, I'm alive,
and I do.

I can't believe the callousness,
the coldness.

Well, I can't believe the amount
of slack you're cutting this guy

just '‘cause
he passed away.

Oh, my God.

I'll tell you, if guys knew

that all they had to do
to please women was die...

they'd be jumping off
bridges by the thousands.

Believe me.

He d*ed, Paul.

Tell me again.
Did he die?

Because I hadn't
heard that.

Honey, if our
therapy session

is interrupting
your golf practice,

you'll let us know,
won't you?

Just working
on my grip, is all.

A hobby is one thing.
An interest--

this is like
a rabid obsession.

That's how golf is.

It gets under your skin.
It gets into your blood.

You stink at it,
by the way.

I-- I-- Yes, okay.

Yes, I stink,
but with hope.

I stink with hope.

I don't
understand this.

Suddenly my husband chases
a little ball around the house

for hours a day. That's
what Murray does, Paul.

Do you want
to be a dog?

Let's think. Plenty of naps,
lots of food.

My guess is
no other dog dies

and leaves
your wife everything.

Yes! Yes,
I think I would.

I wish to be a dog.

Oh, gosh. We are tragically
out of time.

Uh, but let me say this.

Paul, Alan cannot possibly
be a thr*at to you anymore.

After all, he d*ed.

[GASPS]
Who d*ed? I didn't
hear that. What?

And, Jamie, put yourself
in Paul's place.

If one of his exes
had left him everything,

along with a declaration
of eternal love,

you might not be
so happy, either.

Yeah!

I guess
that's true.

All right, then. So we'll
see you next week, okay?

Thank you.

[WHACK]

Oh!

How could you?

I didn't clear my hips.

And these are
his corn holders,

his bottle cap
collection,

and his blue jeans.

Oh, his blue jeans!

Oh, pants of a dead boyfriend.
Isn't that nice?

And that's
the last of it,

except, of course,
for this...

the , .

Here.

Don't spend it all
at the witch store.

Uh, if there are
no objections,

I think we'll take
the cappuccino machine,

the turntable,
and the National Geographics,

right, Burt?

Did you know
that the tortoise

is the farmer
of the seas?

Did you want
that Barc-O-Lounger?

Because your father-in-law
looks so comfortable in it.

Yes, actually I did.

Why?

Just sentimental value.

What?

Just don't go there, okay?
Just drop it.

What kind
of sentimental value?

What happened
in that chair?

Take the chair, Ma.
The chair is yours.

SYLVIA:
Thank you.

Hi!

Hi, dear.
BURT: Hi. How are you?

How goes
the bequeathal?

Well--
A bad question.

Yeah.
That's why I brought you

something to cheer you up.
Chocolate cake.

Wow.

Always works for me.

That's incredibly
sweet of you.

Let's go get
some dishes.

This is unbelievable!

What's that?

Did you know
that pygmies,

because their culture
is so isolated,

have no idea
they're short?

Uh, does Debbie seem okay
to you guys?

JAMIE:
Yeah, why?

I don't know.

It's odd the way she refuses
to set a wedding date.

Maybe she has cold feet.

They don't get that,
Burt.

Oh.

Plus, yesterday,
did you notice

how when she
introduced me, it was

"This is-- This is--
This is my friendJoan?"

Did you catch that?
"This is my friendJoan."

My friend?

What, you're
not friends?

I'm her fiancée, Sylvia.

Who's arguing?

Or at the very least,
her girlfriend or her lover

or her partner or her companion
or some damn thing.

You're her sister.

I'm sorry?

Well, Debbie was talking
to me the other day

about who's gay
and who's not,

which is a little game
that we play now,

and when someone
was gay, she would say,

"Yep, she's a sister."

Or, "Oh, yeah,
she's a sister."

Or, "Oh, boy,
she's a big sister!"

So you're her sister.

You can't marry your sister.

Registered mail for
"Paul and Jamie Buchman."

that would be us.
Thank you so much.

And, uh, best of days to you.
Thank you.

And may I say that
those are lovely socks

they're giving out
to the group there now?

You try and brighten a person's
day and what do you get?

Also, I think
I'm going to take the soap

and the Manhattan
clam chowder.

Oh, my God.

Fine. I'll leave
the chowder.

What? What is it?

Look at this.

"Matter of Kleinman v. Buchman,

for medical expenses
plus punitive damages."

What?

Okay. Sheila
is suing us.

Oh, come on.

There it is right there.
Look at this.

We're being sued
by our own psychotherapist.

Do you know that pygmies
have no concept of litigation?

It says that
in there?

No. That I knew.

Can Sheila do this?

Let's ask Debbie.

Debbie's got a good brain
for these things.

Debbie's got a really
good legal mind.

Debbie's got--

Look what Debbie's got.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh.

What-- What-- What is it?
I can't see.

Uh-oh.

[♪♪♪]

She's gone.

She's gone.

She's gone.

Your wife-to-be is now
your wife-that-never-was.

Ma, stop.

Oh, I was so looking
forward to this wedding,

gender issues
notwithstanding.

Ma.

How could you
do this to me?

Who are you kidding?

Four years ago, when
I told you I was gay,

do you remember
your reaction?

I was given pause.

You tried to throw yourself
out the window.

Yes, after the pause.

I mean, I was devastated.

I thought, "How could
I lead my daughter

down this
misbegotten path?"

I believed,
as anyone might have,

that death was
my only honorable exit.

Boy, this is cake!

Then I met Joanie.
She's so pretty. She's nice.

She's a doctor,

someone who loves you,

not like that reptile
you were married to,

may his memory
be blotted out.

Gary.
Gary, Mom.

I came to terms.

I looked deep
within myself.

I found the strength
to accept--

more than just accept.

I embraced.

I started to recycle.

I even bought myself
a pair of men's boxers.

I imagined myself running nude
down the beach

with my book club.

And now what do you do?

You turn around and you throw
it all back in my face.

What am I supposed to do,
call up my friends

and tell them that
my daughter is straight?

These are not calls
I want to make.

Okay. Mom,
a-- No nude running.

Why?

Just because, okay?

And -- And I say
this with love,

this may not really
be all about you.

Debbie, what happened?

I don't know.

The minute I saw that guy,
I wanted him.

Whoa!

Believe me, I was the most
surprised of anybody.

But there we were,
standing in the kitchen,

and I felt all the blood
rush from my head,

and this voice said,
"Kiss him." So I did.

Then the voice said,

"Throw him down
on the kitchen table?"

Yeah.

Okay. Did that voice
at any juncture,

did it mention
that you're a lesbian?

It mumbled something.

They can do that,
just change back like that?

Yes, Dad.
Lesbians and werewolves.

Is it Joan?

Maybe you've fallen
out of love with her.

No.

Maybe all we have to do
is find you another woman.

It's not Joan.

What about that
postal girl?

She was cute.

She could've
been a sister.

I have not fallen
out of love with Joan.

All right.
I've made my decision.

What?

You, missy,
are grounded.

I'm grounded?
You hear that?

I'm grounded.

Yes, that's right.

I want you to go back
to your apartment.

I want you to think
about what you have done

and who you have
done it with.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Wait a minute!

Do you remember

the weekend before
you married Gary?

Yeah.

Remember
what you did?

What I did?

With the caterer?

With the caterer.

With the caterer,
what you did in the kitchen--

in the kitchen of the catering--
of Arnold's of Great Neck?

In the kitchen-- Ooh!
I made out with the caterer

in the kitchen of
Arnold's of Great Neck.

Ugh! I wouldn't even
walk into that kitchen.

Well, what were
you thinking?

I was terrified.
I panicked.

And meanwhile, thank you
for keeping a secret.

I kept it
for years.

I think that's
a pretty good job.

But stay with me

'‘cause I'm onto something
very clever here.

Do you remember,
after college,

remember when-- what's
his name, with the glasses--

Herbie, Herbie Reish,
remember?

And he asked you
to move in with him.

Do you remember
what you did?

I fooled around with
his brother Billy Reish

in the Reishes' kitchen.
Yes!

Wow!

The point is
there is a trend.

Don't you see there
is a trend here?

Before you can
make a commitment,

apparently you need
to play a little slap and tickle

in a kitchen
somewhere.

My God!

Wowee!

I mean, it's--
It's a fascinating

psychological
phenomenon.

You may or may not want
to look into this further

on your own time.

So it's not Joan?

It's not Joan.

I got to go
talk to her.

So wait. You're still gay?
Yeah.

Thank, God!

This is crazy.

We had
the appointment.

You cannot have
a productive therapy session

with a person
who is suing you.

You know she's going
to charge us anyway.

What do you care? We got
$ , extra to play with.

$ , . .

What happened now?

Debbie and Chris cracked
the kitchen table.

It's solid butcher block.
How did they possibly--

Don't sh**t
the messenger.

Hello.

Hi.

Hi, Sheila. How are--
How are you?

Never better. And you?

We're good.

Fine, thank you.

Last we met, Paul,
you had taken umbrage

over Jamie's
ex-boyfriend's will,

and you two were going
to try and see things

from each other's
point of view.

Right.
Yeah.

Well, how has that gone?

Okay, I guess.

It's going pretty good.

Well, great.

So is there anything else
on your minds this week?

Uh, well--

Let's think.

Uh...
Um...

Ooh, golly gosh.

Anything on our minds?

Yes! Okay. Here's one.

You're suing us.

All right. If you'd like
to talk about the lawsuit,

I'd be happy to.

Okay.

We're unhappy
about the lawsuit.

Yeah.

You broke my nose
in places, Paul.

No, no, no.
He understands that.

He also understands
how unbelievably stupid

it was to be swinging
a golf club around

a tiny little office
without even looking up

to see if there might
be a person--

Okay. You know what,
sweetie?

Maybe this is time
to circle the wagons.

We would be happy to pay all
your medical expenses.

It's the least
we could do.

But the punitive
damages,

what is that about?

Well, my lawyers think
I should be compensated

for my mental anguish.

Mental anguish?

Yes, my severe
mental anguish.

It's humiliating...

wearing this goofy
freakin' mask.

My patients feel like
they're getting life advice

from the Phantom
of the Opera.

All right.
Just out of curiosity,

How much-- How much do you think
you would want to ask for

for punitive damages?

$ , .

Okay. So now I have
mental anguish.

Sheila, we
don't have $ , .

You don't?

No!

Well, how much
do you have?

What?

Look, I'll
tell you straight.

Okay? You know,
for whatever reason,

my practice hasn't
exactly been flourishing.

Well, here's a thought.

You might want to stop
suing your patients.

I'm in severe
financial trouble.

My lawyer told me that getting
hit in the nose like this

could be the greatest thing
that ever happened to me...

if I make the most of it.

And you would do that?

You would bilk us
like that?

Hey, I didn't ask you
to come in here

and clock me in the face
with a wood, okay, pal?

Sheila, maybe
there's a way

we could help your practice
a little bit.

How?

Well, maybe we could
send a patient or two your way.

Like who?

Like your sister?

And her sister?

Oh, yeah.

So you know people in need?

Oh, yeah!

Uh...

Maybe. Maybe...

if you lower that
punitive damage figure.

, .

, .

$ , .

, .

.

.
.

.
.

.
?

Yeah.

You heard me.

?

.

?

$ , . .

Done.

Done.

Well, there you go.

So anything else
on your minds?

[♪♪♪]

No alteration,
refutation, protestation

or repudiation of this will
is or will be

entertained
by the executing parties.

We grieve deeply
for your loss.

[♪♪♪]

So, I think that
went pretty well.

Really?

Oh, absolutely.

That part about
the one that got away--

Whew! I was very
choked up.

Yeah?

I barely got through
the disclaimer.

I really loved her.

I know.

[BUZZING]

Well, I'm glad
that's done with.

I can rest easy now.
Listen, you're probably

not going to need this will
for a long time.

I hope you're right.

[BUZZING]

Ooh, uh, you got
a bee on your neck.

Where?
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