07x04 - There's a Puma in the Kitchen

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mad About You". Aired: September 23, 1992 – May 24, 1999.*
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Paul and Jamie Buchman face an unexpected challenge after 25 years of marriage when their daughter moves away from home to study at university.
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07x04 - There's a Puma in the Kitchen

Post by bunniefuu »

[♪♪♪]

Ha ha ha ha ha.

[High-pitched laughter]

[Guffaws]

Just keep
the old one?

I think that's best.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart
as much as you ♪

♪ Tell me
all your secrets ♪

♪ I'll tell you
most of mine ♪

♪ They say
nobody's perfect ♪

♪ Well, that's really true
this time ♪

♪ I don't have the answers,
I don't have a plan ♪

♪ All I have is you ♪

♪ So, baby,
help me understand ♪

♪ What we do ♪

♪ You can
whisper in my ear ♪

♪ Where we go ♪

♪ Who knows what happens
after here? ♪

♪ Let's take
each other's hand ♪

♪ And jump into
the final frontier ♪

♪ Ahh-ahh-ah ♪

♪ Final frontier ♪

[♪♪♪]

Nah, I got these
chinese herbs,

And they make it
into a tincture.

It's unbelievable. Just like
trees and barks and leaves,

And I don't know
what they have,

But they mush it up there
for . ,

And I'm telling you I've never
felt better in my life.

I'm so energetic.

I'm full of pep and vim,
I'm focused,

I'm alive, I'm alert,
I am lord of the galaxy.

Hey.

Ooh, my wife is here.
I got to go.

What are you, home for lunch?

Sadly, no. Home for
the Tr*mp file, which I forgot.

I was so exhausted this morning
that I left without it,

And the presentation's
this afternoon.

We still own the child,
right?

Yes, we do.
She's out with ira and lisa.

Oh, good.
Yeah, they do this thing

Where lisa pretends
she's the mom.

You know, it's cute, but
it's really incredibly sad.

There's nothing wrong with
my sister having a little fun,

Spending some-- hello.

Sorry. You look nice.

Thank you.

Here's a thought for you
just off the top of my head.

How would you like
to stay home for lunch?

I'm not hungry.

When I say lunch,
I don't really mean lunch.

I mean... Lunch.

Oh.

A little quickie, huh?
A little afternoon delight.

A nooner.

A nooner?

What?

That's an expression
you use?

Yeah, a little fast one.
A leaner.

Oh.

A mulligan.
What?

A zippity-doo-dah.

What do you do all day?

If you're not interested, fine.

A little one-hour martinizing.

All right, ok.
Good god.

What do you have here?
What is this?

Hey, sweetie, either you have
a very long wait at the bakery--

I signed up for
a k charity run.

Really? Well, good for you.
What charity did you pick?

Mother teresa's
magic children.

Good for you.

You know what?
I'm gonna sign up, too.

Really?
Yeah. We'll run together.

You and me, we'll run.
It'll be fun.

Sweetie, not everybody
has to run...physically.

You can run in spirit.

[Stammers]

Sweetie, it's a k.
Whole k.

Right. You're saying
you don't think I can run k?

In a row?

That's nice. That's very nice.
My wife...

Who's supposed to be, like,
my biggest supporter,

You don't think
I have the energy

To run a measly
little k.

Do you even know
how much a "k" is?

Yes. A "k"
is--is / of a k.

Uh-huh.

Which is, if you can do it,
pretty sure I can do it.

Ok.

You know what I think?

I think you are afraid,
my little friend.

Afraid of?
Eating my dust.

I see. Uh-huh.

But under the circumstances,
I'm gonna let it go.

That's the kind
of person I am.

I'm gonna offer you
a lunch wiggle.

Oh, god.

A little venezuela mambo.

Sweetie, I'm tired, I'm late,
I can't find my file.

Yeah, ok. Big k person

Doesn't have the strength
for a little fiddle-faddle.

Honey--

I understand.
You're a mom, you're working.

Who has the energy
for a chattanooga choo-choo?

All right.
I'll stay.

Really? No kidding around?
Uh-huh.

So we have time for a flopsy?
Yep.

A little guggenheim?
Uh-huh.

A humphrey.

One more, I'm going
back to the office.

Last one, I swear.

You know
what was really hard

Is losing all that weight
after mabel was born.

Please don't do this.

Last pounds
were really bad.

You understand
you are not her mother?

And the lactating
and the ugh.

Thank god
you're just her aunt.

Hey, I'd be
an amazing mother.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.

In fact, I think I want a baby
of my own right now.

Ok, just a couple of things
to consider, all right?

Like what?

Like you're nuts.

Yeah.
Yeah.

And what are you gonna do
about a husband?

I'll adopt.

Hey, don't even joke about
something like that.

I have a need
to mother.

Well, maybe you should not start
at the top,

You know, like,
with a baby human.

Maybe you should start with,
like, a cactus, you know,

Or a banana or something.

I can mother
more than a banana.

How about a monkey?

Nah, nah. A monkey's
too evolved.

A turtle.
Get yourself a turtle.

No, no, no.
It has to have fur.

You can't be a mother

Unless the thing
you're mothering has fur.

A gerbil.
A cow.

Iguana.
Horsie.

Parrot.
Cat.

Hey, that sounds pretty good.
Good. Adopt a cat.

Yeah, I will.

What a cute baby.

Oh, thank you.

You know, I was in labor
for over hours.

Here we go.

Got to love those nooners.

Let's hear it for a nooner.

Is it noon?
Let's have a nooner.

I'm hungry. Are you hungry?
Let's eat. Make me lunch.

Sleeping.

You promised you were
gonna make me lunch.

Aren't ya hungry?
Aren't ya? Aren't ya?

Ow. I-i'm trying to sleep.

Ok, correct me if I'm wrong,

'Cause that was right up there
with the best ever.

Honey, just...
No talking, just sleeping.

The quickest
and yet, ironically,

Incredibly, happily, wonderfully
among the very bestest best.

I'll give you $
to be quiet.

I feel so energized...

$ .

So filled with voltage.

I love this energy,
these volts.

"I sing the body electric."

It's chi.

Huh?

It's chi.

Chinese for life energy.

You have taken all my chi.

I am--i'm totally empty,
even the extra t*nk,

Which is why, now,
according to chinese legend,

I must sleep
for a thousand years.

Well, let me
tell you something, buddy.

That is some primo chi
you got there,

Because I am--
oy, officially late.

You know what? I don't need
that file for my presentation.

I'll do it off the cuff,
on the spot,

Right off
the top of my head.

You're not making me lunch,
are you?

Can't even talk. Gotta go.

Ok. I'll just grab
a cobb salad.

I just fell asleep
again.

Hey, hey, hey,
how about this one?

Looks just like
annette bening.

Yeah, that's
just what I need--

The cat that's
better looking than me.

Hey,
look at that one.

[Yowls]

Now that's a cat.

Nah. That's a kangaroo.

[Yowling]

He's trying to k*ll
the rabbit.

Wow, look at his coat.

I wonder
what kind of cat it is.

That would be the very rare
homicidal jumping cat.

He's feisty.
Excuse me.

I'd like to adopt
this cat, please.

That one?

Yeah. You have a problem
with that?

You're sure about this?

The cat looks like
it just got out of bellevue.

I'm telling you,
go with annette.

[Yowling and snarling]

See, he needs me.

Ohh...

Oh, yeah. Scratch my back.
That feels good.

Lisa--
what? It's fine.

We're gonna be
great friends.

Buchman at the ,
and murray in hot pursuit.

I say, murray...
In hot pursuit.

Hiya.
Hi.

What, did you forget
something at home

Days in a row?

Oh, boy, the mind
is the first thing to go.

That is just so sad,

But I want you to know,
honey, don't worry.

We're gonna put you in
a nice home somewhere,

Not one of those
state-run facilities.

I'm talking, like,
a lovely place in the country

With finger paints and roses
and a nice little duck pond.

Can we have a nooner?
Hmm?

Please? I want to have
a nooner.

Can we have a nooner?
It's noon.

What do you think?

You think you can march in here
unannounced whenever you want

And I'm supposed to hop to it
and service your every need?

Yes.
Exactly.

Mm-mm-mm.

You know, after
yesterday's nooner,

I got donald Tr*mp
to fund a daycare center.

The thing is, I have to somehow
today get him to pay for

An environmentally friendly
playground.

I have no idea
how to do this.

So it occurred to me, "hey,
let's have another nooner,"

Which will be barrels of fun
in and of itself,

Not to mention it'll maybe
jog my thinking a little bit.

Mm-hmm. I'm only doing this
for the environment.

You're a giver.

Yes, I am.
You know what I did?

I signed up for
the charity k. Hey, hey.

Don't talk.

Ok.

I've never been used like this
before in my life,

And I must say, me likee.

[♪♪♪]

, If you please.

Oh, hey, . Me too.

Oh, yes. The sister.

You know what?

I know that
would be lovely.

I'm a new mother.

Really?

It's a kitty.

It's a boy. See?

Very nice
to meet you.

[Yowling]

[Screaming]

I'm just saying that,
translated into running,

What we just did is maybe
/ th of a "k," and look at you.

Don't look at me.
I'm grotesque.

Hey, lise.
Hey.

Hey, hey, could you
learn to knock, please?

I'm bottomless
under an afghan here.

Can I leave this here
for a couple days?

This?

Did I say this was
gonna happen? I knew it.

[Low growl]

[Meow]
[woof woof]

[Meow]
[woof woof woof]

Murray,
it's ok, it's ok.

It's just
a little puddycat.

I got to go.

I'll walk you out.
Ok.

Wa--wait a minute.
What--what--

Love you.
Ah-ah.

Ok, at no point did I say that
I'm gonna be in charge of--

[Meow]

Wait, murray,
come back here.

[Yowling]
come back here. Come here.

Murray. James?

Come back here.
Where's everybody going?

[♪♪♪]

Got to love those nooners.

Honey, do we have any
pig's adrenaline in the house?

Come on.
We're going running.

We're what?

Come on. Quick k
just to warm up.

Oh, honey, do you know
how few things there are

That are less likely
right now?

Aw, come on, uncle joe.

What is that, "uncle joe"?

'Cause you're movin'
kinda slow.

You're so funny
and so clever.

Honey, what do you think
the odds are

Of you running
a k tomorrow

If you can't
leave the house today?

All right,
you wanna see running?

You wanna see running?
We'll see some running.

You will see me run
like lightning.

Oh, every day, my feet
are a little further away.

I think that nooner
was the best so far.

I could tell. You let out
a sound, my friend,

A wild sound
I'd never heard before.

My sounds were within
perfectly reasonable limits.

Well, maybe you didn't
hear yourself, but it was--

It was like... Rrr.

That was the noise.

[Meow]

Actually,
that was the noise.

[Meow]
murray.

[Whimpers]

Aah.
Aah.

[Woof]

[Meow]

Rrr.

[Meow]

Rrr.

[Meow]

Rrr.

[Meow]

Rrr.

[Meow]

You're scaring him.

I'm gonna get him
some warm milk.

Aah.

What crazy mutant cat
is that?

[Meow]

Maybe we should call someone.

Like who?

A s.w.a.t. Team...

Or the exorcist...

Or say the pound.

Why would you
call the pound?

To take away the cat.

You can't just
return the cat.

That cat is lisa's baby.

How would you feel
if someone returned mabel?

If mabel were leaping
feet in the air

And bitin' the tails
off of sheepdogs,

I think I'd be open
for discussion.

The book of a thousand cats?

A dollar .
What do you care?

[Yowling and barking]

Know what? You call the pound.

I'm gonna get murray
outta there.

Be careful.

[Yowl; crash]

I believe I will be careful.

[Whimpering]

Shh.

[Meow]

[Guttural growl]

[Meow]

[Meow hiss]

The lord is my shepherd...

I shall not--waah.

Paul: bad cat.

Bad, bad cat.

It has pronounced ears,
and here's the thing,

It has, like,
a bone-chilling cry.

It's a sort of a...rrr.

No, it's higher than that.
Like a rrr!

[Meow]

There, you hear that?

Paul: really
incredibly bad cat.

What do you mean
it's not a regular cat?

What is it, then? Wait, wait,
wait, wait. Here it is.

Puma.
[Meow]

It's a baby puma.
There's a puma in the kitchen?

I say it is your department.
You gave it to us.

It's not like we said,

"Oh, please, send us
some half-crazed meat--"

Yeah, yeah,
you're darn tootin' I'll hold.

Honey, it's a p--

[Growling and barking]

My goodness.

[Woof woof]

[Meow]
[woof woof woof]

Paul, walk out of here.

Honey, he's got
a real knack for this, ok?

Just back out slowly.

Paul, I just--
[meow]

Do it.

All right, sweetie.

Yes. Hello.
A park ranger?

Where am I supposed to find
a park ranger

In manhattan, central park?
Oh, central park.

Honey, they say we have to--

[Snarls]

Are you good?

Oh, yeah.

Fine.

Lisa: give me back my cat.

It's too dangerous.

Fine.
Thank you.

[Doorbell buzzes]

Would you just cut it out?
And don't call him dangerous.

My baby is not dangerous, ok?

Oh.

Hi.

It's in there.

Um, must be exciting
being a ranger, huh?

Well, it has its moments.

Yeah, bet you can see far.

Paul: help me.

Whoa,
isn't he a beauty.

[Meow]

Yeah, he's adorable.

[Meow]

No.
Hey, hey, wait.

It's a tranquilizer, just so
I can get him to the zoo.

The zoo? Oh, come on, I know
he's been a lot of trouble.

Well, you try and teach them
right from wrong, but--

It's a cat.

It's not your fault.

Of course it's my fault.
I'm his mother. I'm responsible.

It's nobody's fault.

It's a cat.

There's only so much
a mother can do.

Every child
has its own nature.

Our baby's a fussy eater.

Your baby's a--
you know, a puma.

[Meow]

Honey, behind you.
Quick.

No, no, no, no, no.
sh**t me. sh**t me.

You want me to?
No.

You know what, honey?
The guy's already here.

Paul.

You know what?
You're not a mother, are you?

No.

So you don't know
the heartache, the worry--

[Meow]
sh**t him. sh**t him.

[Growls]

Honey, look out.

Ow. Ow. Ow.
Puma. Puma.

sh**t him.

[Bang]

[Distorted yell]

[In slow motion]
the cat, I'm saying.

Honey...

[Normal voice] so I'll see ya
in, like, what, to hours?

Yeah.
Yeah, ok.

Honey?

Sweetie?

Paul.

[Groggily] ♪ born free ♪

♪ As free as the wind blows ♪

Honey.

Huh?

It's time for the k,
sweetie.

Ohh, I can't, uh...

I know, I know.

I can't. I-i--you go.
You go have a nice time.

I will. I was just wondering
if maybe, before I do,

You wanna have
a little flopsy?

A what?

A mcmullen?

A mulligan.

Whatever it is.

No.

It'll give me that edge,
that little extra something.

No, I don't have anything
to give you.

Sure, you do.

Oh, sweetie, I have
been sh*t in the ass

With a tranquilizer g*n.
There. Ow.

Please?
No.

I've been bitten in the colon.
No, it would k*ll me.

Oh, fine, if you
don't care about

Mother teresa's
magic children--

Don't do that to me.

No, no, no, fine. If you're
willing to suck the magic

Out of their desperate
little lives--

I'm beggin' you.

Most of these children have
never even had a day in the sun.

All right. Let's go.

Maybe half a guggenheim,
but then I gotta lie down.

[♪♪♪]

Look, I can't work with you
this way.

I ask you to meow, you leap.
I ask you to leap, you hiss.

I ask you to hiss, you swat.

Trainer: actually, we call that "swiping."

Shut up. I'm an adult.

I just spent the last days
directing a freaking cat.

[Meow]

Sure. Now.

You call yourself a cat?
You're not a cat.

Murray's a dog, and he's
a better cat than you are.

Murray walks in, hits his mark,
looks up, and barks.

You're not even
looking at me.

See, you shouldn't even
be in s.a.g.

You gotta make eye contact
with me.

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

[Woman speaking spanish]

[Man speaking spanish]

[Telephone rings]

[Bang]

[Whining]

[Bang]

[♪♪♪]

[Horses running]
man: in front.
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