07x06 - Weekend in L.A.

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mad About You". Aired: September 23, 1992 – May 24, 1999.*
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Paul and Jamie Buchman face an unexpected challenge after 25 years of marriage when their daughter moves away from home to study at university.
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07x06 - Weekend in L.A.

Post by bunniefuu »

[♪♪♪♪♪]

"Who hops?"

Oh, there we go.

"Crows hop."

Oh, look, it's daddy.

Maybe he'll read you
your new book.

Oh, you know, sweetie,
don't even have the time.

Oh, come on. It's your daughter,
for God's sake.

Okay, maybe just a quick
little read, and then I--

Okay, sweetie, here we go,

a little quick, fast read,
okay? Here we go.

"Who hops? Frogs hop--"

Let her turn the page.
What?

She likes to be part of it
when you turn the page.

Okay.

Okay, "Who hops?

Frogs hop--"

You're holding it
too close to her.

Pardon me?
She's not focusing

'cause you're holding it
too close to her eyes.

Okay,

let's start again.
Here we go.

Okay, "Who hops?

Frogs hop--"

She heard that part already.
Okay, you know what, sweetie--

[♪♪♪♪♪]

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart
As much as you ♪

♪ Let's take
Each other's hand ♪

♪ And jump into ♪

♪ The final frontier ♪

♪ The final frontier ♪

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Okay, we,
my little friend,

are packed
and ready to go

for our weekend
in Los Angeles.

I'm very excited
about this.

This is gonna be great.
A weekend for the record books.

I'm not going.

I say this is a great,
great weekend.

I don't want to
leave Mabel. I'm sorry.

Honey, it's two days.
It's two nights--

and with the time difference,
like a day and three-quarters--

a day, uh, seven-eighths.

Uh, uh, it's a day and
twenty-one-twenty-fourths.

It's less than two days.
Still not going.

Sweetie, we've talked
about this, okay?

This is a big deal
for me.

This is-- this is
not some small agent.

Honey, listen, I'm talking to
you. This is not a small agent.

This is Gardner Mulloy
flying me across the country

for a meet and greet,
okay? Not just a meet.

He does the meet,
and then a little extra greet.

Why can't he do
that on the phone?

Come on, he's trying to decide
if he wants to represent me.

You know, he's gotta--
he's gotta shake my hand,

look me in the eye,
take the measure of me.

Why can't he come here?

'Cause they don't do--
Well, why not?

Because they don't-- They don't
do that, honey. We go there.

Mm-hmm.
Do you have any idea

what it means if Gardner Mulloy
wants to be my agent?

What does it mean?

Oh, you have no idea.
Come on.

It means I can finally make
the documentaries I wanna make.

You know, we're talking
about Paul Buchman

can finally become
an actual person.

Sweetie,
you're a person.

No, I'm not.
No, not really.

I'd like to be,
you know.

Someday, I'd
like to be a person,

and Gardner Mulloy
can do it.

Gardner Mulloy
can make you a person.

Really?

Yeah. Henry Weitzman,
Jules Monty, Frank De Santos.

Never heard of them.
That's because

Gardner Mulloy doesn't
represent them. Do you see?

We have never left her
alone for a whole weekend.

Sweetie, she'll be right here
with her grandparents.

I am so sorry.

Sweetie, they haven't ruined
a child in over years now.

All right, we'll go.
[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Plus, Mulloy's paying
for the whole trip.

We get to eat
out of the minibar?

Anything-- a little can
of pretzels $ , who cares?

Hiya, Mama,
hiya, Pop.

Hello.

Hello, Mabel, baby.

Klarik's was
having a white sale,

so we bought you some towels.

Oh, Sylvia,
that's so sweet.

If it's all
the same to you,

we'll use them
while we're here.

Oh, make sure you get
an aisle seat on the plane.

That's where
the action is.

All right, yeah.

And make them give you
bottled water.

They say they don't have it, but
they do. They keep it up front,

near the pilot.
All right, good to know.

All right, Pop,
thank you.

All right, sweetie,
I think that's it.

I think we are ready
and ready to go.

Okay.
All right, come on.

Just absolutely
ready to go.

All righty.

Okay, we're leaving.

We're leaving,

Leaving on
a jet plane...now.

Mm-hmm.
We're leaving.

Okay.

Big old jet airliner,
coming, coming to take us away.

Sweetie, big flappy
flappy, jet jet, go go?

Sweetie?
Hmm?

You want a couple more minutes?
Yeah.

I see, okay.

Yee-hee! Look at this, honey,
the King Vidor suite.

You know why they call
it a suite, don't you?

Look at this,
this is sweet.

I can't believe
the airline lost our bag.

Look, over the bed,
they got a drapey-thing.

You put the bag on
the plane in the beginning,

you take it off in the end.
How hard is that?

Ooh, swans!
Hello, Mr. Swan!

[ANGRY SQUAWKING]

All right, don't
annoy the swans.

Why'd it have to be the bag with
Mabel's little picture in it?

Sweetie, we have ,
pictures of the child.

Not with her little
finger in her nose.

Yes, you're right, sweetie,
it's one of a kind,

and yet, life goes on.

Here we go.
Thank you very much.

That was, uh, great.

Okay, this is terrific.

Thank you.

You figure buck a bag,
even here, right?

Yeah. God, it's bright
in Los Angeles. What is that?

That's the sun,
sweetheart.

But if you don't like it, I'll
have them turn it right off.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Who is?

MAN:
Room service.

We didn't actually
order anything.

Compliments of
Mr. Gardner Mulloy.

Oh, well, okay.
There we go.

Oh, look at this,
honey, champagne.

Champagne
is nice.

See, a little spark
of life there,

and look at all this.

Oh, my God, truffles,
and olive paste,

goose liver pate.

[SWAN SQUAWKS]

It's nobody you know!

Uh, uh, thank you
very much.

Thank you.

Well, this is pretty
impressive, huh?

Yeah.
All right,

I would like to make
a toast, if I may,

to the most beautiful
woman I know.

Who, by weekend's end,

may very well be married to
a client of Mr. Gardner Mulloy.

Hear, hear!

Ooh, that is good.
Oh, very good.

It is, isn't it?
I gave the guy a .

Does that seem enough?

MAN:
He came straight
from his tennis lesson.

And, uh, right after this,
he's due in the valley.

But he knows he only has you
here for, what is it, two days?

Oh, not even. More like a day
and-- and --

like a five-- , you know--
two days, yeah, okay.

Well, he really
wanted to see you, so...

Oh, no, thank you. I--
I went at the hotel. Uh...

Huh, oh, what,
are you kidding?

Gardner?
MAN: Speaking.

Uh, Paul Buchman is here.
What?

Paul Buchman
is here.

Oh, good, good, good,
good, good.

Hiya, Paul Buchman.

Hiya, Gardner...

Mulloy.

You look well.

Nice-- nice--
nice to meet you.

Give me a minute. I got
to rinse and repeat here.

Sure. You know what?
I'd be happy to wait outside.

No, no, no, no, no,
no, let's talk, let's chat.

Have a seat.

Sit!
Sit, sit, sit, sit!

So good to
finally meet you.

I gotta tell you,

I'm a little
star struck.

Oh, star stuck, really?

Yeah, because I'm
a very imposing figure.

Ha-ha-ha! Hey,

can I get you something?

Oh, I'm fine,
thanks.

A muffin? Coffee?
I'm fine, thanks. No, thanks.

Peach?
Peach? Sure.

Peach sounds good.
I'll have one, too.

See if you can't scare us up
a couple of peaches, huh?

Okay. Uh...

Ooh, by the way,

found your bag.

How'd you do that?

Well, we heard you
lost it,

and we made a little bit
of a fussy wussy.

Wow! Boy, my wife will
be happy to hear that.

Here we go, peaches.

Peaches, yay!

Yes?

Peach.

Toss it right over
the top there, Paulie.

Peach coming in.

Hey!

So, how'd you like
that goose liver pate?

Oh, that was something.
Boy, that-- what a big basket.

Thank you so much.

Too much, wasn't it?
A little wasteful?

No, no, no, it was a great
basket. Thank you.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Look at that.

You gentlemen
all right in here?

We're just grand,
thank you.

Can I take
your peach?

No, you don't have to do that.
Oh, it's okay.

Yeah, it's all wet
and dripping now.

It'd be my pleasure.
Are you sure?

GARDNER: Paul?
Yes?

Give him the peach.
Okay.

Thank you.

He's-- He's very good.

I gotta tell you,
this-- This whole trip

has been such-- such
a-- a-- an eye-opener.

We have just been--
Hey, how are you, mister? Okay.

So good to see you.

Hey, nice--
Nice to see you.

Nice-- Nice
to meet you.

Directions okay?

The directions were
very good, thank you.

I-- I had, uh, came
down, uh, san, uh--

La Cienega.

La Cienega. La Cienega,
there. Zip, zip, zip, zip.

Oh, and the ocean is
right out there, and--

Paul Buchman?
Yes, yes?

Tell me something.

Mm-hmm, sure.

Uh...

What do you...

want your next documentary
film to be about?

That's-- That's a very--
very good question.

I'm in the process of trying
to come up with a good idea.

Uh, there's
so many good ideas--

I'd like to
help you find it.

Would you?
Oh, yeah.

I'd like to help
you sell it, too.

You would?

What-- what-- what
are you saying?

I am saying...

I would like to be your agent,
if you'll have me.

If-- If I'll--
oh, well, hey--

You don't have to answer now.
Oh, I can answer--

Take your time.
You can think about it.

I've thought about--
Would you like to answer now?

If I could
answer now--

Please say yes, please
say yes, please say yes.

Yes!
Yes! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

I'd be thrilled if you were my
agent. Oh, look at this, okay.

I'm so pleased.
Oh, well, good.

I've dampened you.

No, that's-- that's
gonna dry right up.

This is a good day.

This is a great day.
Ha, ha.

What do we do now?
What happens traditionally--

Right now?
Mm-hmm.

We just enjoy the moment.

Sure.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Sweetie?

Hi.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hello.

How you doing?

Fine, thanks.

How'd it go?

Uh, it went great.

He wants to
represent me, honey.

I'm-- I'm a person, huh?

I'm an actual person.

Oh, what's he like?

Oh, he's a great guy.
He's an interesting guy.

He's, uh, he's an off-b*at guy,
I'll tell you that.

He's, uh, he's sort of,
well, you know,

he's-- he's-- he's clean, I'll
tell you that. He's clean.

He's-- he's kind of peppy.
He's kind of peppy.

He enjoys fruit-- does he have
to do that right now?

Mm-hmm.

He wants to represent you?
That's great.

Yeah, he wants
to represent me.

And, not only that,
found the bag.

What bag?

From the airplane.
The bag.

Oh, right.
How'd they do that?

I don't know. Got clout. Shall
I take out the picture of Mabel?

It's okay,
I'll see it later.

But the little
finger in the nose--

I'll look at it later.

Okay.

So, uh, what did you do?

I had a great day.

[VOICE FLUTTERING]
I swam, I read,

I took a nap.

And you became Edith Piaf.
Mm-hmm.

All right, Mrs. Buchman,
all done.

You have great
muscle tone.

Hey, hey.

You have such strong,
gentle hands.

You know, why don't
I just step outside?

Sweetie, come here, smell me.
What?

She said smell her.
Yeah.

What is that, bread?

No, it's rose petals.

Oh, okay, yeah,
of course, yeah.

I took a scented bath.

Whoo!

See, no more baby poop.

Just rose petals.
Good for you.

Bye,
Mrs. Buchman.

Bye-bye.

See ya. Good luck
rubbing strangers.

Honey.

I'm not tipping
him nothing.

Look at you, like a shiny,
cleaned up burrito there.

I know what you need.

What is that?

Spectravision.

Want to watch
a dirty movie?

Oh.

So apparently,
uh, massages

make you want to
watch dirty movies.

No, hotels make me
want to watch dirty movies.

Expensive hotels make me
want to have sex.

Good.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

No, no, let it ring.

Wait, it could be Mom.

Oh, let it ring.
Mom and Mabel.

Honey, just let me see.

Hello? Hey, Gardner.
It's Gardner.

Hey, Gardner, I can't
wait to meet you.

We're having
so much fun.

Thanks for the chutney.
Okay. All right, sweetie.

How you doing?
What's up?

Sure. okay, uh, uh,
where should we meet?

Okay.

Okay, I'll be there in exactly
three-and-a-half minutes.

This is fun.

Where did you learn
to sh**t like that?

I don't know, camp?

Camp? Like
Dirty Harry camp?

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Is it wrong that
I find that sexy?

You married Barbarella.

I really did.

Why don't you fire
the g*n there, Paul?

Sorry!

How come we've never
gone sh**ting before?

Because we are vigorously
opposed to this type of thing.

Oh, yeah.

I need more b*ll*ts.

Allow me.

Thanks, Gardner.

My pleasure.

I love California.

I can see.

I'm gonna go
with you, Gardner.

Gimme your g*n.
Why?

Just till the b*ll*ts
get here.

You're my delicate flower.

So, uh, what was
the idea? Tell me.

So after you leave,
I pour myself a soda,

and I go off to get
a couple of ice cubes.

During which, I look down
at the ice tray,

and I think to myself, "Now,
this is great, this ice tray."

Who is this person
who came up with this?

Who is the person who
took a tray with water

with the divider thing
with the lever?

This is a visionary,
this guy.

Okay.

You're right,
it's dumb.

No, no, I'm
just trying to--

Okay, then I start to
drink through a straw,

and I'm thinking, "Straw?"
Who is the first person

who said, "I'm not gonna
drink this conventionally.

I'm going to draw it up through
a conduit of some kind."

Yeah, so who was that,
like the earl of, uh--

You're right, it's dopey.
No, no, it's not dopey.

Not dopey?
Not at all.

Okay, so, uh,
here it is:

People who aren't famous,
but should be.

That's my idea.
What do you think?

Well, I-- Yes,
I think that--

It's crap, isn't it?
No, not at all.

No?
No, I--

Do you like it?

I-- Yes, yes.
You like it or it's crap?

I-- I like it.
Really?

Yeah.
So we'll do it or it's crap?

It's not crap.
Then well do it?

We can do it, yes.
I think it's great.

It's great,
it's not crap!

No.

Okay. Boy, I never
seen her like this.

You know, at home,

she-- She practically never
fires a repeating w*apon.

She seems lovely.

She's great. She's, you know,
she's very accommodating,

she's not demanding--
[POUNDS]

Oh, how about this?

How about this?

How about we go to dinner?
I know a great place.

Okay.
We can take my plane.

Plane?

♪ Oh, the guy who
Invented dimmer switches ♪

♪ He was a genius, too ♪

♪ And that sticky
Little lint roller ♪

♪ Takes the lint
Right off of you ♪

♪ And the guy who
Invented Q-tips ♪

♪ It's like a tip ♪

♪ But with a "Q" ♪

♪ None of these people
Were famous ♪

♪ But they should be ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Yes, sir.

Get in here!

Paul, go ahead.

I'm going to the occupado.

Come on, sweetie.

I don't know about that.

I could get seasick and
airsick at the same time.

You know, most bluesman would
k*ll for the chance

to get into a hot tub
with a blonde.

You think so?
Uh-huh.

Let me check, see if I have
the appropriate bathing attire.

Oh, look who's here,
sweetie, little Mabel.

Look at that. Oh, what a face.
Is that a face?

Uh-huh.

You didn't even look.

Uh-huh, I know.
I'm busy.

So gorgeous.
Look at that.

I'm not just saying this
'cause she's our kid--

Maybe I don't want to
look at her right now.

All right, I know. I'm just
another dopey dad.

My god, I'm , feet
in the air,

I can't get
a second to myself.

Yeah, but no kidding around,
look at how the face--

, feet in a hot tub,
I can't get a second to myself.

All right, all I'm
saying is that--

Oh, my God!
Why did I have a baby?

What did you say?

"Why did I have a baby?"

Did you just say that?

Ladies and gentlemen,
the pilot tells me

we will be landing
within the half hour.

Where are we going
already?

I forgot to ask the pilot.

[PLAYS "NEW YORK, NEW YORK"]

New York? We're
going to New York, really?

We're going
to New York?

Yeah. I know this great
little French place

on th street.
That's right near our house.

That's right
near our house.

Jamie, if you don't
want to go to New York,

we'll go, uh, to Boston. I know
a great little seafood place,

uh, near Beacon Hill.
I wanna go to Boston.

Hey, you know what? I actually
think it's time to go home.

Well, I don't
want to go home.

[PLAYS MUSIC STING]

Why?

I'm having fun.

[PLAYS FUN STRAIN]

Well, I'm actually not.

Paul, I miss this.

You miss what?

I miss living
like this.

I miss fancy hotel
rooms with swans

and sh**ting galleries

and private planes
with hot tubs.

I miss my old life.

Hey, I don't want
to hurt your feelings,

but you never did that.

That's like
Joey Bishop's old life.

Are you happy now? You're
missing Joey Bishop's old life.

I know we
never did that,

but we did other things
that made me feel like that.

We can't do those things
now. We have a baby now.

I'm a mother now.

The fun is over.

Yes, but you enjoy being
a mother, don't you?

Sweetie?

Sweetie?

I say...

tell me, you enjoy
being a mother, don't you?

[PLAYS HAPPY STING]

Hon-- okay, you
know what, Gardner?

I gonna ask you
to stop that right now.

[PLAYS CLOSING STING]

Thank you.

Honey, if-- if this--

I'm going to Boston.

Okay, 'cause I'm
going to New York.

Okay, I'm
going to Boston.

Really?

Uh-huh.

Okay, fine.

Hi.

Hi.

How was Boston?

Fine. Gardner wants you to find
the guy who invented cream pie.

All right.
You in for the night,

or you going to Istanbul
or something now?

Oh, I'm in, I'm in.

Okay, good.

[TV SHUTS OFF]

I wish I hadn't
said it, okay?

I didn't mean it.

I did mean it
at the moment,

but I didn't
really mean it.

A part of me
really meant it...

a little teeny tiny, very small
part of me really meant it.

But the rest of me is really
sorry for that small part.

The rest of me
is so happy.

So you got
all that in Boston?

Well...

that and this.

His name is Leo.

Oh, honey, why'd you
get one with a name?

[MABEL CRIES]

Oh, it cries.

She's up?

Yeah. She's been up
more or less all night.

Could be she loves you,
could be coincidence. Who knows?

So, Leo,
you're a crustacean.

You would know. The green stuff
in the middle, what is that?

Hey.

Hey, hi,
come here.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Okay, come here.

Come here, come here,
come here.

Hi.

Hi, sweetie.

Hi.

♪ You are my sunshine ♪

♪ My only sunshine ♪

♪ You make me happy ♪

♪ When skies are gray ♪

♪ You'll never know
Dear ♪

♪ How much I love you ♪

♪ Please don't take
My sunshine away ♪

Okay, here's one: toast.

Yes! Yes!

The guy who discovered that when
you, like, superheated bread,

it just changed
the whole bread experience.

Right, changes
the whole thing.

And staircases. How-- The guy
who invented staircases.

Can you imagine what
it was like before staircases?

Oh, O'm gonna
say exhausting.

Place mats!
The place mat guy.

Place mats.

The guy who invented place mats.

There's one, huh?

How about--
How about this: matches?

'Cause before matches,

you got to put
a cigarette in your mouth,

put your whole face
in the fire.

Meat! Who was the guy who said,

"Stop that, cut it,
and cook it"?
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