07x10 - Win a Free Car

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

Sweetie?
Hey.

Look who your husband
dragged in.

JAMIE: Mark!
Jamie, hi! How are ya?

Haven't seen you forever.

Oh, look at you.

Oh, you look so good!
So do you!

No! No!
Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah?
Yeah!

Yeah, okay, maybe
a little, yeah.

God, we missed you.
Oh, me, you too.

Which is why, when I had
my first day off in five months,

I chose to spend it
with you guys.

Mark came down and watched me
film a segment today.

Paul's doing a documentary about
people who should be famous,

but they aren't.
I heard that.

'Cause, you know,
she lives with me,

so she really knows
most of what's going on.

Yeah. Yes, yes.

Know who I interviewed today?
JAMIE: Who?

The guy who invented
the little piece of plastic

that keeps the top of the pizza
box from touching pizza.

How was the segment?

Ah, he didn't have
a lot to say, sadly.

Kind of a quiet fellow.
Yeah.

And then this light didn't work,
which was just maddening.

Yeah, but, oh, I was just
so thrilled to be there.

Because, you see, I've been
trying to make up for lost time.

Sort of rebuild my
circle of friends,

just immerse myself
in your lives.

Yeah.

If that's okay with you?
Oh, hey!

Please!
Immerse yourself away.

Great, great.

How's the immersing
going?

It's good, it's good.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Was that the doorbell?

You remember the doorbell.
Oh, yeah, sure, yeah.

Hey, Splinky,
you know the good doctor.

Hey!
Ira!

Mark!
Oh, Ira, how are you?

How are things?
Good.

How's things with the women?
Good.

How's the store?
Not so good.

What? What?

Well, I've made some unfortunate
business decisions.

But, hey, you know,
everything is gonna turn around.

I have come up with
a fantastic new promotion.

Tomorrow afternoon,
at my store,

one of my customers is gonna win

a brand spanking
new Cadillac DeVille.

A DeVille? Wow!
Wow!

That's the kind
of car where you-- Where you--

You ride in a car
and people say,

"Wow! That--
Look at that car!"

I know.

So how do you win?
Well, it's easy.

Twelve contestants put
their hands on the car,

the last one to take
their hands off wins.

Can you afford
to give away a car?

Ha, ha. Not even close.

I'm renting
the car for the day

and the contestants
are all gonna be ringers.

So the whole thing
is just a big fraud?

Well, it's grand larceny,
actually, but, yeah.

God, I've missed you guys.

This is the worst thing
I've ever heard.

Oh, really? 'Cause bankruptcy
is the worst thing I ever heard.

What, things are
really that bad, huh?

Oh, yeah.

So where are you
gonna get the ringers?

Well, I don't know.

It's very hard
to find ringers.

I say,
it's very hard to find ringers.

Once again,
it's very--

Oh, gosh, I'm sorry!
Oh, I'm so stupid.

Of course, of course, you need
ringers. You can count us in.

Yeah, count us in,
'cause by all means,

we'd like
to be felons too.

Paul,
Ira is a friend in need.

Are we friends indeed?

It's a felonious crime.
I'm a mother.

[SOBBING]

What--
What's the matter?

I can't believe--

You can't believe how ashamed
I feel to stoop to this level.

Oh, Ira.
Oh, come on, Splink.

Oh, asking you to break the law.

Who would have thought
it would come to this?

Oh, Ira, don't cry.
Eat your sandwich.

Stupid, stupid,
stupid, stupid--

All right, we'll do it,
We're in.

Just don't hit yourself
with the food.

Come on, Ira.
Come on, you and me.

We're gonna pass
out these fliers until--

Until-- Until we have no more.
Okay.

Yeah. Are you with me?
Yes.

I can't hear you!
Yes, yes.

I can't hear you!
Yes, yes.

I can't hear you!
Yes! Enough already! Shut up!

Mark has really calmed down,
hasn't he?

Oh, yeah.

I can't believe
this stupid light didn't work.

You know how expensive
these things are to rent?

Did you shake it?

Sweetie, it's a very expensive
piece of equipment.

You don't just shake it.

Ohh! Bright, bright,
bright light!

Very bright! Shut it off!
I did.

No, seriously,
no, shut it off.

Honey?
Oh, honey, where'd you go?

I'm right here.

Oh. Oh, ask me how I am.
How are you?

Blind!

[♪♪♪]

Oh, I've blinded you.

No, no.

What if I've
blinded you for life?

No, sweetie, it's just
a day or so, the doctor said.

I just-- As long as I keep
taking those eye drops.

I'm gonna take very
good care of you.

I know that you will-- Ow!

Look out!

Maybe next time, a little
earlier with the warning.

Sorry.
Oh, my God!

It's worse than I thought.
He's d*sfigured.

That's Mom, right?
Am I right, that's Mom?

And I'm gonna take
a wild guess... that's Pop.

I like your hair.
It's a disguise.

I don't want any of my old
customers to recognize me.

It's very
convincing.

Oh, well, thank you.

Look,
for the life of me,

I just don't understand
how this happened.

Well, like I said,
Sylvia,

he was looking into the light
when I got it to work.

I just don't understand how this
could have happened.

Well, again, he was looking
down into the light,

which I didn't realize,

when it turned on
and shone into his eyes.

I just don't
understand

how a thing
like this happens.

You know what? I don't either.
Oh.

Hey, I think
it's really nice

that you're helping out Ira.

He's a putz.

When I gave him
the store,

all I asked was
that two years later,

I would not have to be
standing here in a wig.

Hey, nice to meet you folks.
Glad you could make it out.

Very subtle.

Everything okay?

No, no. Half my ringers
didn't show.

There's some big accident
on th Street.

Ah, nobody signals
anymore.

It's okay.
I know what to do.

Afternoon, everybody!

Welcome to Buchman's Sporting
Goods "Win a Free Car" Contest.

Now the moment you've
all been waiting for.

It's time to choose
our first contestants.

All right, come on down,
Jamie Stemple.

Oh, what a surprise.

Oh, who's that?

Okay, put your hand on
that caddy, Mr. Mark Devenow.

Oh, my God!
Oh, that's me!

Oh, God! I've never
been picked for anything!

I-- Ever! I can't
believe this!

Oh, my God, thank you!
Thank you!

A notch less, huh?

Okay, our next contestant
is Mr. Paul Melton.

Excuse me, I think
that would be you, sir.

The blind guy!

Paul Melton? Melton?
Okay, yes.

I'm sorry,
I didn't realize--

Okay, let me help you, sir.
Very nice to meet you.

Nice to-- Thank you
very much, kind lady.

Alrighty,
our next contestant is...

Uh, Sylvia Rodham Clinton.

Oh, that's me!

Very good.

And Mr. Burt,
uh, Bacharach.

Oh, oh, no relation.

Thank you.

And contestant number six,
Mr. Marvin Bluestone.

Hey, thanks, boss.

MAN:
Boss?

What do you mean,
boss?

Uh, I call, uh,
everybody boss...boss.

Excuse me, boss.

[DOG BARKS]
Don't pee on the floor, boss.

Okay, contestants,
approach the car.

MAN:
Hey!

Hey, you only
picked six names.

The flier said
there'd be contestants.

Well, the flier was wrong.
We're going with six.

Oh, yeah, well, I'm calling
the Better Business Bureau.

We're going with .

Okay...

There's one in every crowd.

Uh, okay, say hello
to Susan Ackerman,

Jason Disbrow,

Ray Thorn,

Jane Santangello,

Maggie Conway.

Ooh! Ooh!

Maggie Conway?

Is-- Is she a ringer?

No, no,
she's legit.

Okay, and our
last contestant is...

Mr. Rory O'Grady.

Yeah! Yeah!
Whoa, baby!

Daddy needs a new caddy.

Wait a minute,
you are Rory O'Grady?

Yeah, why?

Oh, nothing.

What, I don't look
Irish to you, is that it?

I didn't say that.

Why, because
I'm not wearing green

and I don't have
red hair and freckles.

Sorry, I left my "kiss me,
I'm Irish" button at home.

You're on my list, pal.

Okay, super.

All right, we got .
Hands on the car.

Alrighty.

IRA:
Listen, folks,
those of you watching,

it wouldn't k*ll you
to buy something.

All right, now,
we're gonna begin.

Ready?

[WHISTLE BLOWS]
Ow!

Whoops! Sorry, lady,

you took your hands off the car.
You're out.

We're down to .

Boy, I really feel
like my other senses

are compensating
for my lack of sight.

Everything's more acute.

Are you kidding me? You've been
blind for an hour and a half.

I'm telling you.
Okay, perfect example.

Somebody is behind me, oh,
feet behind me, I would say,

eating a burrito con queso.

Oh, my God!

Am I right?
Okay, somebody over there,

somebody has Tic Tacs.
Oh, come on!

Go ask, go ask.

I think you'll find
that it's the man in the--

No, I'm sorry,
it's the woman...

Woman. She's wearing tweed.

Excuse me.

Sure. Whoa, hey, okay.

Excuse me, does anybody
happen to have a Tic-Tac?

My God!

See, you doubted me.
[WATCH ALARM BEEPS]

Oh, okay,
time for the drops.

All right,
little drops. Ohh.

Okay, glasses off,

eyes open.

I know the drill.
Okay.

Okay, glasses off.

Oh, boy, I-- I don't
enjoy this part of it.

Here we go.
All right, all right.

Did you do it yet?

Nope, not yet.
All right.

Here it comes.

Okay.
Ah, that's my cheek.

That's all right.
Sorry.

Okay.
Here it comes.

Uh-huh.
Uh, nostrils.

I'm sorry.

It's not enough that
she nearly blinded him,

now she's gonna drown him.
No, she's not.

Let me do it.
No, no, Sylvia--

Hey, doctor, two losers
right over there!

Oh, for crying out loud.

All right, sir, ma'am,
you're out of the contest.

What,
you mean you can't even

take your hand off the car
even once?

No, those are the rules.
In fact, the only rule!

Okay, step away
from the car.

PAUL:
Did you do it yet?

Here it comes-- Oops!

Tastes like chicken.

Sorry.

Excuse me, ma'am.

You holding up okay?

Because, you know,
there's no shame in leaving.

Let me explain
something to you.

I may be British, but there's
nothing on God's earth

that moves my soul as much
as a big American Cadillac.

Really?

Just look at it: power
everything, leather interior,

horsepower V- ,

zero to
in a blink of an eye.

Uhh! Oh, God!

Okay, so you're staying?

Uh-huh.

Hi, guys.
Hey.

That would
be Marvin.

Yes. How's it going?

My girlfriend wants me to quit
my stock boy job,

but I don't know
what else I could do.

Well, what are
your interests?

Funny cars.

Anything else?

Helping people.

So, like,
a funny car ambulance

would be
right up your alley?

Forget it.
Whoa, Marvin.

I was kidding around.
Where'd he go? Marv?

How you doing?
Good, good.

Quite a car, isn't she?
Sure is.

Hey, would you like to take
a look at the inside?

Is-- Is that allowed?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Just, you know, make sure you
keep your hand on the car.

Don't worry.

Okay.

Do me a favor, huh,
shut this door?

MAN:
Aah!

Oh, my gosh!
Your hand!

Put some water
on it!

Give him a hand.

Oh, by the way,
you two guys, you're out!

Hey, Maggie.

How you holding up?

Ooh, I love
this machine.

Ohh.

I'm just gonna
give you a minute.

Hey, James.

Oh, don't go,
don't go. Stay. Stay.

Because my fantastically
acute senses

tell me that there
is nobody around us right now.

So I'm gonna hop up here
right next to you

and snuggle
pretty close.

It's nice up here,
isn't it?

It's kinda--
Kinda cool.

It's kinda sexy up here,
sittin' on a caddy.

In fact, as long
as nobody's here,

I'm gonna give you
a little of this.

Perhaps even
one of these.

Uh, don't say anything.
Don't say anything.

What I'm gonna do is, I'm gonna
leave this hand here on the car,

while this hand, I would place
ever so discreetly over here.

What do you
think of that?

Lower.

[SNIFFS]

Maggie?

Yes.

Excuse me
one second.

[♪♪♪]

How could you
confuse Maggie and me?

You know--

You can smell
a Tic-Tac in New Jersey,

you don't recognize
your own wife?

I-- You know, I--
I smelled, you know,

a nice, lemony-smelling woman,
I thought it was you.

By the way,
you also groped her.

Because I thought
I was groping you.

Even after
the initial grope?

Well, you know,
at a certain point,

I started
to have my doubts.

Uh-huh,
and why was that?

You know, I-- I-- Truthfully,
it did feel a little different.

Different how?

I don't know. You know,
she definitely works out.

Gee, you have
beautiful hands.

Will you have
sex with me?

Whoops! I'm sorry,
you're out.

Oh...

by the way,
we're open seven days.

Don't forget
to tell your friends.

Hey, I am
at a loss here.

Well, what'd you like to do
when you were a kid?

I used to like
to stack things.

Uh-huh. What else?

I used to like to put little
pretend price tags on them

and put them up on little
pretend shelves.

You know, Marvin,

it's just possible that being
a stock boy is your calling.

I know.

Deep in my heart
I've always known.

I think I knew
when I was .

But I-- I would pretend to be
like the other kids

who wanted to be
doctors and lawyers.

I had to live a lie.

Thank you.
Wait, wait, no, no, your hand!

Put your hand on the car!
Hand on the car!

Marvin!
I'm sorry, boss.

Terrific.

Sweetie, I'm-- I'm not saying
that you don't work out.

I'm simply saying I--

I was surprised
that she had, like,

not an ounce of fat
on her.

Ohh!

God bless America.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, Maggie.

Hello, Hal.

Maggie, please, darling,
listen to me,

take your hands
off the car.

Oh, I can't.

What's the matter, Hal?

Maggie can't be
near Cadillacs, you see.

They have a rather
extraordinary effect on her.

Come here, darling.

There's only one thing
to be done.

What's that, Hal?

I'll have to channel
her urges elsewhere.

Stand back, please.

Maggie, darling,

look here.

[GASPS]

That's it.

Oh, God!

Look here.

[GASPS]

[GASPS]
Yes,

look here.

Ohh!

Harold!

Harold!

Harold!

Good day, everyone.

Sorry about what
I said before, huh?

No problem.

Nice try.

Thank you.

Did you think you were gonna
trick me off this car

like those other patsies?
No.

So how's it going?

Good.

What part of Ireland
are you from anyway--

There it is!
There it is!

What is it?
What is it with you?

What are you with, like, the
find the fake Irish guy police?

Let me tell you
something, pal.

When I win this car,

I'm gonna be rejoicing
with a pint of bitters

and singing the song
of my native land.

♪ With a bim-bam tooty
And a bim-bam teety ♪

♪ We're goin' for
A Sunday drive, me boys ♪

♪ With a bim-bam tooty
And a bim-bam teety ♪

♪ We're goin'
For a Sunday drive ♪

There's your Irish.

Anything you
got to say to me?

Please let go
of my hand.

Mark, are you okay?

It's crazy!

What?
The contest! It's crazy!

It's cruel!

It's crazy
and it's cruel!

Mark, take it easy.

What's the matter?

Every time I
stare at my hand,

it just
wants to let go!

I can't take
the pressure!

What pressure? There's no-- You
know, the whole thing is fixed.

Even if you win,
you don't get anything.

No, no, no, the pressure
of letting Ira down.

I can't take
the pressure

of the obligations
of friendship!

I have to take my hand
off the car!

I have to take my hand
off the car!

Mark--
They sh**t horses, don't they?!

Aah!

Aah! Sweet liberty!
I have to go!

I have to go!

I'm sorry!

I have to go!

I'll see you
in another five months!

I have to go!

And then there were three.

Sweetie?

Honey?

Honeypie, darling?

Hey, buddy,

she's upset with you for groping
the English broad.

Thank you.

Sweetie, you want to
play "went on a picnic"?

No!

Come on, you love to
play "went on a picnic."

Don't want to play.
All right, fine, okay.

I'll play by myself.

"Went on a picnic"?
What the hell is that?

Went on a picnic
and I brought an apple,

an apple and a banana,

an apple, a banana,
and a coconut--

You got to
be kidding me?

An apple, a banana,
and a coconut--

...a French toast,
a gingerbread man,

a Havarti cheese,

an iced tea, a Jell-O mold,

a kiwi,
a lecithin substitute,

a Mallomar,
a nectarine,

an orange and a, uh...

a, uh...

m, n, o, p.

A, uh, a--

A pie!
Pie.

A pie,
for God's sake!

Uh...

Uh, I brought an apple,
a banana, a coconut--

Oh.
[WATCH ALARM BEEPS]

Oh, time for
the eye drops.

Look, you know what?
Do your own eye drops.

What? What are
you talking about?

I don't feel like taking
care of you now.

Oh, oh, great.
Sweetie, come on,

is this what it's gonna
be like when we're ?

Come on, I get
a little infirm,

I-- I have a problem
with my eyes--

Uhh!
Ooh, sorry.

A little problem
and that's what you're gonna do?

Get a little angry
so you can deny my medication?

My prescribed medicine,
you're not going to give me?

That's surprising.
That's a little disappointing--

Ow!
Ooh, excuse me.

Give me that thing!

[CRASHING]

Pardon me.

Sweetie,

let me tell you
something.

When you get older, you know,

there's gonna be a lot more
of this-- Ow!

There's a lot more--
When you get older,

there's gonna be plenty
of ointments and drops,

and we're gonna have to
take care of each other.

So we might as well
practice now.

Sweetie? Sweetie, look,
I'm-- Just-- Look, I love you.

Okay,
just look me in the face

and just tell me
that you love me too.

I love you.

Pardon me one second.

Sweetie? Jamie,
come on, say something.

Oh, just give me
the drops.

Okay, thank you.
That's all.

Okay, I'm sorry, okay?

I'm sorry I smelt incorrectly.
Okay.

I'm sorry I wrongly groped.
Okay.

I'm sorry I noticed
the firmness of--

Careful.
All right.

Here it comes.

Ohh! Ooh!

That's it.

Ah, that's the stuff,
yeah.

Hey, wait a minute.
What?

I'm beginning to see
a little bit.

Really?
Yeah.

Not great,
but a little bit.

Oh, good.

Yeah, I can see--
Hey, you're pretty.

Oh, thank you.

Hey.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Hey, hey, hey,
hands off the car!

Hands off the car!

[LAUGHING]

I win!
Yee-hee-hee-hee!

Sorry.
Oops!

[♪♪♪]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]
What?

I want my car, Ira.

I don't have it, I swear.

[KNOCKING]
Ira, I want my car!

Rory, listen to me,

as God is my witness,
I do not have the car.

Think about it, okay?

A car in a New York City
apartment.

Use your head!

Paulie, Paulie,
just two more weeks max, huh?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

What?
Damn it, Ira,

I saw the tread marks
in the elevator!

Explain that!

There's carbon monoxide
in the hallway, Ira!

I smell that new car
smell!