07x11 - The Honeymoon

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mad About You". Aired: September 23, 1992 – May 24, 1999.*
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Paul and Jamie Buchman face an unexpected challenge after 25 years of marriage when their daughter moves away from home to study at university.
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07x11 - The Honeymoon

Post by bunniefuu »

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[IMITATES BUZZING]
Ahh!

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Any further bids
on lot ?

AUCTIONEER:
Going once...

Ooh, let's bid on that.

Going twice...
A chain saw?

All right, don't come
crying to me

next time you want
to take down a redwood.

Sold! Lot to the
gentleman with the cast.

I told you,
I wasn't bidding.

And now we'll start
the bidding on lot .

Oh, honey, look at this.
What is it?

A honeymoon weekend.
What is that?

"Three days and two nights
at a lovers paradise

"nestled far from civilization
on acres of pristine beauty.

It's the honeymoon
you never had."

It doesn't say that.
Absolutely it does.

"A delightful getaway,
filled with charm

"that will also relieve
the crushing guilt you must feel

"at never having taken that
special someone on a honeymoon.

Even after seven years.
Your wife Jamie will thank you."

Honey, we'll bid. We'll bid
on the honeymoon package.

Paul? Jamie?
Dr. Lee, hi.

It's so good to see you.

How is Mabel?
Great. She's great.

That's so great you took time
off to come down to the auction.

Actually, my waiting
room is full,

and my patients
will all resent me tremendously

for the inconvenience.

But I'm very pleased
to be here.

Here you go, Bunny.

Thank you, Boo-Boo.

Diane?

Paul! Hi!

What a surprise.

Well, no. Well, yes.
What a-- What a surprise.

You. You, and you,
you two?

Oh, you silly thing, I'm sure
Jamie told you she set us up.

Didn't I?
No.

I figured doctor, nurse...

Sure, medical professionals.
Sure.

Besides I just...

really wanted you
to be in a relationship.

[SQUEALS]

Look! A lawn flamingo
with propellers.

Come on.
Let's go look.

You know, we were just
getting ready-- Alrighty.

Bye, Boo-Boo.
Come back soon.

Boo-boo. Oh, Boo-Boo.
I get it.

Boo-boo
'cause she's a nurse?

No.

So you and Diane, huh?

How's that going?

We spend every night together.

I haven't slept in three weeks,

and I fear my work
is suffering.

But for the first time
in my life,

I'm completely sexually
satisfied.

All right, then.

Until now, sex has been
a quixotic experience for me,

filled with murky self-doubt
and general self-loathing.

Uh-huh.

But Diane has taken me beyond
my previous limits as a man

and as a lover.

Okay.

She's a deeply sexual being.

Fearless and athletic.

With incredible talent and a
tacit understanding of my body.

She's not afraid to teach,

and I'm not too proud
to learn.

She leaves me
hungry for nothing

but hunger itself.

And how are you?

I'm fine.

Bunny is just
the greatest.

Yes, Bunny seems great.

And he reminds me
so much of Paul.

Ah, you don't say.

Okay, the next item up
for bids is lot ,

a sterling silver
wild boar hairbrush.

[SQUEALS]

That's what I came for.
Fifty.

I have . Do I hear ?
Fifty-five.

Excellent.
What?

I always wanted
one of those.

I have .

Sixty.
A hundred.

I have .
A hundred and five.

Can I speak to you,
sweetie?

I want the
silver boar thingy.

AUCTIONEER:
Sold!

For $ to the
fetching young nurse.

[DIANE SQUEALS]

You set up Dr. Lee and Diane?
Yeah.

No, listen, I never would
have-- I mean, good for you.

I never would have pictured
them together.

A little jealous?

No, I'm not jealous.

Look, I understand
I can't have Diane,

but for her to be with
another guy, that's just--

That-- That's not right.

I see.

Do I have any more bids
on lot ?

That's your honeymoon package.
Going once...

Oh, bid, bid.
How much is it worth?

I don't know. I'm not sure.
Going twice...

Let's take a moment
and figure out--

Two thousand dollars!
Or just do that.

Wow! Two thou--
Going once, twice, sold!

Lot . The Royal Bouncer.
The what?

The Royal Bouncer.
To the odd woman by the table.

Next item up for bid,

the honeymoon getaway.

Oh, no, no.
I'm getting our money back.

I know that all the sick
and injured children

want to thank you
for your generosity. Hmm?

You're going to love
that Royal Bouncer.

It was a mistake, actually.

We thought we were bidding
on the honeymoon package.

Oh, how unfortunate.
Yeah.

But, you know,
I might be able to help.

My uncle is in
the travel business.

Honeymoons
are his specialty.

Really?

Yes, it's best if
you contact him directly.

He cares little for me,
his only nephew.

But he'll bend over
backwards for total strangers

without hesitation.

Well...
Well, there you go.

Very nice of you
to help us out.

There you go.
We can have everything.

We can have the honeymoon
and the Royal Bouncer.

What is a Royal Bouncer?

Well, it's certainly an exciting
addition to our living room.

When we get back, we can sell it
to a clown college.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Who is it?
Lisa!

Coming.
Okay, coming.

LISA: Okay.
[KNOCKING CONTINUES]

Why does she--?
I don't know.

Oh, there you are.
Yes.

I bought you something.

Raising the Black Child.

Well, thank you.
So listen, there's a few things

we have to go over.
Oh, my God! A Royal Bouncer?

Now, wait, wait.
Is this new?

An enormous
inflatable castle

in the middle of our
living room? Yes.

Oh, pretty please with sugar
on top. Can I bounce on it?

No. We have to keep
it in good condition.

Okay.
Now listen...

Murray has to be walked
three times a day.

There's no food in
the fridge. Sorry.

Any questions?
Yes, um,

can I bounce on it
if I'm super careful?

JAMIE: Lisa!
No, come here.

Pop quiz.
Ow.

Tell me the house
rules, please.

Okay, no long distance calls.
Yes.

No falling asleep with
the bathtub running.

Yes.
Oh, no showing my butt

to the people across
the street after .

Okay.

It's very simple.
Don't worry. I mean,

I'm a great house-sitter.
I know.

Remember when I was, uh,
house-sitting at the Kolostiak's

and there was that expl*si*n?
Who called ?

She's kidding.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Here it is...

The honeymoon suite.

Ooh, I recognize it
right away.

Oh, my God!

Look, honey...
heartburn.

Now I know you two
want to be alone,

so I'll just quickly
snap your arrival photo.

We don't even need a picture.
All right. All right.

And if you can keep your hands
off each other

for just one more second,
I'll take you through

the highlights of the room.
The theme is love.

To my right...

the popular lip couch.

Above the heart-shaped bed,
a panoramic mirror.

And remember...
objects in mirror

are larger than they appear.

On top of your TV,

your cheese plate of love,

featuring the
heart-shaped gouda.

Hotel information
on channel one.

You might want
to take a gander at it

before you get too
involved in, uh...

extracurricular activities.

Or you can save the info
for later if you'd rather...

get started.

Oh, all right.
All right.

Whichever you prefer.
I'm not asking questions.

That's very
gentlemanly of you.

Okay, thank you.

Hi. How you doin'?

I'll be honest
with you...

I have always wanted to make
love on a heart-shaped bed.

You did?

Yes.

Boy.

So how do you...?

Hey, look.
The bottom of my heart.

Oop, the feet.

A little short.

Um...

You know what?

Sweetie, I love you,
but, uh...

it's been a long drive.

I think I'm just gonna
take a little nap

in the left ventricle.

What are you staring at?

Hey, my ass!

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Oddly, my ass,
also heart-shaped.

Hi!
Hi!

Hi.

I heard Bunny
planning your trip,

and I insisted we come too.

We got the room
across the hall.

Oh.
Good. Very nice.

We made this for you

in "sweets for your sweetie"
cooking class.

Oh, isn't that sweet...

for the sweetie?
Yeah.

I, myself,
am hyperglycemic

and tend to black out
if I have sugar.

But you, without the
debilitating disease, eat up!

Okay. Well,
thank you so much,

and thanks for coming by--
Oh, our pleasure.

This room is great!

Ahh, you have so many
heart-shaped things.

What a wonderful bed.

How do you like
the honeymoon so far?

So what country
are you in?

Scotland! Cool.

Man, you guys have
the best accents.

[IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT]
Throw another shrimp
on the barbie, ay, mate?

[HUMS]

Hey, do you have a castle?

Yeah? Well, I do.

Ha, ha, ha. Yeah.
I'm bouncing in it.

With no adult supervision.

Oh!

Uh-oh.

Hey. Can I ask you something?

You ever get your foot
stuck in your castle?

Hello?

[♪♪♪♪♪]

[HACKING]

What?

We've been married
a long time.

Yeah.

So?

So. Ahem.

We're finally
on our honeymoon.

Yeah. Ha, ha.

This is our big
sexy honeymoon.

Yes, it is.

Are you ready?

Yes, I am.

What?

Darling, didn't--
Do you remember?

Did they say, is tomorrow
continental breakfast

or full breakfast?

I think they said full.

Oh, oh, okay. Good.

What's the matter?

It's been so long since
we've had French toast.

Boy, it really is.

You know, there's no
rule says we have to--

I don't need to.
No. Yeah, okay.

[DIANE AND DR. LEE MOANING]

Oh, boy.

Is that...?

DR. LEE:
That makes me happy.

DIANE:
Ohh! Ohh!

Paul!

Well, that's...

just great.

Yeah.

Okay, but after, you'll--
You'll tell me why?

Yeah.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey, Lisa?
Over here, by the dungeon.

It's all right. I'm coming. Hey,
by the way,

I'm very flattered
that you should call me.

Well, yours is the only
number I have memorized,

because it spells "jklrtis."

Ah, there we go.

Ow! My hair!

Ooh, my button.
I think it's caught.

Ow. Ow.

Ow. Ow! Ow! Ow!

Don't move your body
anymore, ever. Ow!

You called out Paul's
name during relations.

So what?

That makes me unhappy.

Oh, Bunny, Bunny, Bunny,
Bunny, Bunny, Bunny, Bunny.

Want to go back
in the champagne cup?

No!

The champagne cup
holds no appeal for me now.

[JAMIE AND PAUL MOANING]

PAUL:
Oh!

Paul!

I don't like this hotel.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Stand back! I'm ready to help!

Hey, Marvin!
Thank goodness you're here.

Don't worry, boss.
I'm coming in.

It's okay. It's not like
we're dyin' or anything.

Calm down!
It'll be a second!

What are you doing? Hey, hey!

Oww!

Marvin, for God's sake,
just untangle us.

I can't.

I can't move. I don't do well
in enclosed spaces.

Why didn't you think about that
before you jumped in here?

I thought I could
conquer my fear.

It turns out, no.

Hello?
IRA: Maggie, help!

We're stuck in here.
MARVIN: Is it getting smaller?

Is the mesh
tightening?

Will somebody
please dignify me

with an answer?

For the love of God,

I can't believe
that three grown adults

are trapped
in a child's toy.

I mean, these things are so easy
to get in and out of--

The foot!

[SCREAMS]
MARVIN: Gimme foot.

Somehow the foot
gives me hope.

Please let go
of my foot.

This little piggy
went to market,

this little piggy
went home,

this little piggy had
a big beef sandwich!

This little piggy had
a psychotic breakdown

in the middle
of a bouncy castle!

[MAGGIE SCREAMS]

[♪♪♪♪♪]

You call out your
own name during sex?

It-- It wasn't
on purpose.

Do you know
how sick that is?

Let's--
Let's not use labels.

It's sick!
It's profoundly sick!

Why...why can't-- Why can't you
see it as something positive?

Oh, this ought to be good.

You know, I--
I think it demonstrates a--

A very strong self-image.
Yes, I would say very strong.

I...you know, at least
I know who I am.

Honey, can we please just
talk about it in the morning?

Diane!
My fragile self-image

has been crushed to the point

of probable
lifelong impotence.

But you sleep well.

Where are you going?

I'm going
to the gift shop.

Is it wrong that--
That I think of myself

as a sexual being?

Is-- Is it wrong that
I'm capable of arousing myself.

I mean, is it wrong--
Is it wrong that--

Someone help me.

Why don't you have a nice
honeymoon with yourself?

Where are you going?
I don't know. The gift shop.

Oh, Jamie!
You see that?

Where was that
minutes ago?

Ah.
Hi.

Hi.
Sorry.

I was on my way
to the gift shop,

but I was listening at your door
and heard you talking.

Jamie, you are
understandably upset.

Thank you.
All right.

Don't we think we're making
just quite enough of this?

You mean
you heard me?

It's okay.

Oh, I'm so embarrassed.

As I'm sure
you are too Paul.

You-- You guys heard me?

Oh, yeah.
Yeah.

Jamie, may I sleep
with your husband?

I'm sorry?
Better you than me, doc.

Where are you
going to sleep?

You got a king-size bed?
And then some.

Perfect.

Ho there, Chester.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

I got your message.

Who are you?
Who are you, madame?

Sheila, Sheila.
Sheila. Sheila, how you doing?

This is, uh, Paul
and Jamie's therapist.

How ya do--? I'm Ira.
Hi, Ira.

This is Lisa.
Enchante.

Right back at ya.

And this is Marvin. And, uh,
Maggie's foot.

And over there is Maggie.

Hello.
Hello.

[WHIMPERS]

What's with him?

Hey, he's major
claustrophobic.

What's he doing
in there, then?

Come on out,
little fella.

Stay in there.
Sheila?

Sheila, could you
help us, please?

Huh. Boy, if I only had a nickel
for every time I heard that.

IRA:
Sheila! Sheila!

[ALL CLAMORING]

Just one minute, please.

Am I not entitled to one drop
of pleasure in my life?

ALL:
No! No! No!

Oh! My ankle...

And my wrist.
Somebody help me.

Bunch of monkeys.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Comfy?

Mm-hmm.

[MUMBLES]
Calls out his own name
in the middle of sex.

What?
Nothing.

[MUMBLES]
Seventy-five people yelling
"Paul" in one hotel.

What?

I'd like you to admit
you have a crush on my husband.

Oh, I have a huge crush
on him.

But-- A--

I think he's sweet
and vulnerable,

yet older and comfortable
in his own skin.

He's got a great smile,
and really good eyes,

and his teeth... wowee.

[STAMMERS]

But he's your husband.

And as such,
he's off-limits.

All I can do is toast your
good fortune, live my own life,

ask for your forgiveness,
if at an unguarded moment,

I fall down.

Okay.

You're a very lucky woman,
Jamie.

Yeah.

So where you from?

You okay there,
Dr. Lee?

Yes,
it's most comfortable.

The sofa's nasal bone is
right in the small of my back,

causing intense pressure
on my spinal column.

But this is part of the charm
of a novelty item.

Look, I-- Dr. Lee,
I just want to say

I'm sure Diane and I
both deeply regret that...

we called out my name
during sex.

My little Boo-Boo has very
strong feelings for you, Paul.

Well, be that as it may,
let's focus on Diane.

I'm sure it's not
any big deal to you.

The guy who's probably
always gotten

any woman he ever looked at.

That's true.

But it's a big deal to me.

I can't compete with you,
Paul. I'm aware of that.

We both know that all you'd have
to do is snap your fingers

and Boo-Boo would be yours.

And so I'm asking you,

as an act of mercy, please!

You're already married
to a fantastic woman.

Release Diane.

Release her!

I suppose this once
I could. Okay.

Thank you.
That's very kind of you.

I'll spend the rest
of my life knowing

that I am only with Diane
because of your largesse,

and I'll question to the death
whether or not her love is true,

but thank you.

You have such awesome hair.

No, you do.
No, you.

JAMIE: No, you do.
DIANE: No, you.

Hi.
Hi.

[IN UNISON]
Hi!

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Raising the Black Child.

I tell you, whether you
have a black kid or not,

this is a k*ller book.

Hey! Let the nice
lady's leg go.

[CRIES]

LISA:
Hey, Maggie,
who annoys you more,

Paul or Jamie?
Murray, what are you doing?

Hey, hey,
what's going on?

I'm melting!

[ALL CLAMORING]

Jamie does!

Sure you didn't want
to stay for the whole weekend?

Sweetie, we don't need
a fancy hotel for a honeymoon.

All we need is each other
and apartment D.

You know,
there's always Acapulco.
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