07x14 - Uncle Phil Goes Back to High School

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪♪♪]

DR. KATHY [OVER RADIO]:
Kenny. Your boss
is treating you

like a piece of dirt.
That's right.

Kenny, don't--
Don't be a piece of dirt.

All right, then. I'll be back in seconds.

Who's that, Dr. Cathy?

I love this Dr. Cathy.

This is how you
spend your morning,

listening to a hack
psychologist

exploit
the troubled?

No, not just that.
Also, I made juice.

You've been at that
for an hour.

I know. more oranges
and a Danish,

we got ourselves
a continental breakfast.

I got the stuff
for Uncle Phil's lunch.

Oh, he's gonna
love that.

It's amazing.

The man is going back
to high school.

Sweetie, it's not
that strange.

A lot of people drop out
of high school,

and then they
go back later.

Yeah, not
years later.

I'm pretty sure he'll be
the only kid in school

eating pickled herring.

Boo!

Jeez!
Ah!

Sorry. Sorry.
You should really ask me

to give you back
the house keys.

Give me back
those house keys.

Oh! Juice.

Don't finish that.
I just--Oh!

How were you raised?
Ahh.

Hey. Wanna
scream again?

No.
Not really.

Ah!
Oh, my!

Sweet mother
of all things.

What--What--

[STAMMERING]

What is that?

Do you like 'em?

They're not shy.

I saw this sign
on the D train

for this really cool
plastic surgeon,

so...ba-boom.

You got breast implants
from the D train?

More--It's more like
the double-D train, actually.

You wanna touch 'em?

Can I?

She meant me.
Oh.

Anyone. Come on,
touch 'em.

Really?
Really?

Yeah. Feel 'em.
They're like real.

Eh?

This one's good.

Yeah.

This one's...

Nothing wrong
with this one.

You got...

You got big new breasts.

What do you think?

Nothing. There's no
thoughts in my head, honey.

Ooh! I gotta run.
Okay.

Can you, though?
Can you run with these?

I have to depart
is what I mean.

Where you goin'?
Stick around.

I'm make some
more juice.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

JAMIE:
Are you sure
this is where Uncle Phil

told us to meet him?

This is what he said,

right in front
of locker .

MAN [MUFFLED VOICE]:
left,

right,

left.

Who's that?

I don't know.

[LOUDER]
left,

right,
left.

Oh, my God.

Sounds like it's coming
from inside the locker.

left, right,
left!

Oh, my God.
Did you get it?

Uncle Phil!
Uncle Phil!

Uncle Phil,
are you all right?

I make a living.
No, no, no...

I mean, for a person
on a fixed income,

you have to learn
to buy in bulk.

Yeah, no, no. You were
stuck inside the locker?

It's like being in a tomb
in Westminster Abbey. Terrible.

You know, they bury them
standing up

in Westminster Abbey.
Oh, really?

There's not a lot of room
for all the legends and kings.

They're buried
standing up.

Can you imagine standing
for all eternity?

It's no good.

Must be m*rder
on your arches.

How do they survive it?

Even if the king of England
begs you--

For some reason,
if I should

discover penicillin
or something--

They want to bury me there,

say no.

I wanna lie flat.

Like...Like Kansas.

You know, you can see all of
Kansas from a high chair.

Really?

That's how flat it is.

Every Kansas child
has a terrific view

of Kansas
on a clear day.

They see a little
Nebraska, too.

How did you
get in there?

This monster,
this bully--

Jared Frankenstein--

He shoved me by the hair,
he pushed me in there.

The kid's name
is Frankenstein?

It's actually
Finkelstein,

but is should be
Frankenstein.

The lousy kid.

Just finished with puberty,
years old,

he's got a mustache
like a Turkish dictator.

He has a mustache like this.
This is how big it is.

I gotta tell you,

that's how big this kid is.
That's a big kid.

And he's only .

Why did he
put you in there?

Why? Why is there w*r?

Why is there suffering?

Why is mackerel
such a fishy fish?

You know? We're not
always told why.

That's true.
True.

The main thing is
you're okay.

It must be just
so tough for you

to be the new kid
in school, huh?

I can do it.
I'm equal to the task.

Not only that, listen,

I'm gonna do
all my courses,

and I'm also gonna try out
for the track team.

The track team?

Yes. I was very fast
as a young man.

Remember Roger Bannister?
Sure.

He did a mile in four minutes.
Right.

Phil Buchman did a mile
in four minutes...

and minutes.

A grand total of ,
but Roger was worried.

Is Buchman comin' up?
Is Buchman comin' up?

Where's Buchman?

I had no idea.

You did
so many things.

There's very little
in my years

that I have not--
I've done everything.

Everything?

Ask me something.
All right.

Did you, uh...

Did you ever
touch an owl?

times.

Really?

I happen to love owls.

There's one of the softest
things in the world,

especially under their ruff.

They're so soft.

I didn't know that.
Yes.

And I'll
tell you something,

if you ever see an owl
lying on the ground--

an owl that hit a limb,
an accident--

don't try to turn
his head around.

Okay.
Because they go , you know?

That's their big
selling point.

You know, they do
a lot of thi--

Ooh. Prom night.

That's why I'm here.

I'm here...

I never got to ever
go to the prom night.

Uncle Phil, if you
finish your courses,

you can go to the prom.

Really?
Yeah.

You must be
an excellent mother.

Thank you.

Because
you communicate.

My mother didn't
understand us.

We didn't speak
the same language.

No? You had
a generation gap?

No. We spoke English.
She spoke Polish.

Oh.

We didn't know what
the hell she--

She'd say halugish,
haligem.

We didn't whether to go
to sleep or eat a piece of--

We didn't know what
that woman wanted.

I don't want you to be late
for your first day.

Here we go.
This is it--

American history.
Mr. Brodsky.

All set?
Here we go.

Wait. Firm embrace.

Firm embrace.

Firmer.

Firmer.

[PAINFULLY]
Too firm.

Oh, God.

Thank you.
Sorry.

A little twinge
here, but I'm okay.

All right, here's your books.
Thank you.

That's
so kind of you.

I wanna be like
a kid, you know.

You got it.
Here's your lunch.

[SNIFF]
Mm! Thanks.
I love that.

You got it.
I love you both.

I'm gonna make you
very proud of me.

We know you are.

Good luck...
Yes.

to me.
Right.

What's the matter,
you never saw

a th-grader before?

Who are you?

Philip Buchman,
your new student.

Can I help you
to your seat?

Hello. Philip Buchman.

Philip Buchman,
your new classmate.

Buchman here.
New classmate.

Buchman. Classmate.

Don't worry.

A couple of years,
that'll all clear up.

How you doin'?

Your new classmate,
Philip Buchman.

Philip, take
a seat, please.

Me? Excuse me.
Okay...

I just wanna
take out a few things

from my pencil box.

I just wanna make sure
I have my ruler,

my pencil, my eraser--

in case I make
a mistake.

I'm never without
my compass.

You always have
to have your compass.

You must know where
true north is,

or else you'll end up
living in South Jersey.

All right. I am ready.

Okay. Class...

Picking up where
we left off,

on March , ,

MacArthur left the Philippines
for Australia,

proclaiming
"I shall return."

Wrong!

Never said it.

Excuse me?

Never said it.

Wrong.

Never said it.

I was there.

He didn't say that.

What MacArthur
actually said was,

"People of the Philippines,

"wonderful workin'
with ya...

and I'll see ya around."

Then he went
into the PT boat,

and he left.

He said,
"I'll see ya around."

That's what he said.
I was there.

It's possible,

it's just possible that
Mr. Buchman's recollection

is a little hazy.

Actually, MacArthur--
according to history--

said, "I shall return."

And according
to this picture

of me, Buchman,
and MacArthur--

I happened to be
his driver.

I was sitting
in the front.

He was sitting
in the back.

And I know
'cause I was there.

He was very superstitious
about the driving.

"No left turns.

No left turns."

I always had
to make right turns,

right turns.

There was a chicken
teriyaki place two minutes away

if you could make
a left turn.

No, no. He wanted
chicken teriyaki,

I had to go all
around Australia.

That's how
superstitious he was.

I understand, but--

I gave him
his corncob pipe.

I said, "You gotta
look different."

I was the guy
who crushed his hat.

Unfortunately,
his head was in it once.

We had
a little problem.

But I gave him
that look.

I made
MacArthur famous.

Mr. Buchman, you know who
loves MacArthur stories?

Our principal loves
MacArthur stories.

Why don't you go
tell him that?

He's trying to get me down
to the principal's office.

Down to
the principal now.

Students
of American History,

wonderful workin' with ya.

I'll see ya around.

Fine. The principal.
Get going.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Hidi-hi.

Hi.

Is Jamie home?

Um...no.

Well, good.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello.

This is Mrs. Buchman.

Oh. No, no.

We can come
to the principal's office.

We'll be right there.
Bye-bye.

Paul?
Let them out.

Let them be free.

Paul.

What happened?

You were dreaming.

I was?

Oh. Yes, I was.

What were you dreaming about?
Let who be free?

Hm? What's that?

Let who be free?

The hostages.

What hostages?

What hostages?

The hostages.

Somewhere in the world,

there gotta be hostages,
right?

So I think
they should be free,

and I was dreaming
about them.

Oh.

'Cause I'm concerned
for others,

and I wondered,
you know,

do I do enough
for people?

And the world--
I mean, all over the world,

I wonder if I do
enough for them.

Honey, we should go.

I gotta sit
for a minute.

WOMAN:
Principal Hocksacker
is on his way.

Thank you.

Oh, by the way,
may I ask your name?

It's Rosie.

Rosie.
Mm-hm.

And may I say, Rosie,

that nothing
takes the sting

out of coming
to the principal's office

like your
beautiful smile

and your very, very
fetching a-line frock--

poly, cotton,
tough on stains.

Right?

Heh. Yes.

My former profession.

I used to feel frocks.

Oh, well, you're quite
the charmer, Philip.

I'll bet the kids
in this school

must be knocking
your door down for a date.

Well, if I went out
with them,

it would be a felony.

Oh.

Yeah. Young.
You're right.

They're too young.
Right.

He's on his way.

Bye, Rosie.

Bye, Philip.

So minty!

Oh!

[DOOR OPENS]
MAN: Mr. and Mrs. Buchman,

this behavior is
simply unacceptable.

We're very sorry.

Well, "sorry" doesn't cut it
at Jacob Javits High.

When we find
a problem student,

we nip them
in the bud.

Now, if you get thrown
out of one more class,

if you fail
one more test,

you are out
of this school.

You can do that?
Yes.

I'm the principal.
I have tremendous power.

Then how do you
explain that?

What?
Got you.

Mr. and Mrs. Buchman,
I'm going to give you one minute

to give him a piece
of your mind.

Yeah.

Uncle Phil.

What did you do?

What did you do?

I can't do it.

It's not me.

I'm not a kid
anymore.

I'm a -time
high school dropout.

It's no good.
Don't give up. You can't quit.

Don't you wanna go out
for the track team?

Yes, I do.

Don't you wanna
get that diploma?
I do.

Don't you wanna
go to the prom?

More than anything.

So?

Let's hit the books.

Yes.
Okay.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

DR. CATHY [OVER RADIO]:
What's on your mind, Jeremy?

PAUL [OVER RADIO]:
Well, here's the thing.

I recently had a dream

that I was kissing
my sister-in-law,

and I was begging her
to show me her new breasts.

You see, she recently
had breast implants,

and, uh, let me
just say,

the procedure was
a huge success.

DR. CATHY:
So what's the problem?

The problem is...

Do I tell my wife,
you know,

that every time
I see Lisa--Alna--

Who?

Lisaalna.

That's my sister-in-law's
name--Lisaalna.

Do I tell my wife that
whereas before,

I used to think that
she was just infuriating

and annoying,

now I realize she's just
eccentric and stacked.

So that's my question,
I guess.

Do I tell my wife that?

DR. CATHY: Whoa! What are you, nuts?

You take this
to your grave.

And every time you wanna
look at Lisaalna's breasts,

you look at her feet instead.

Look at her feet?
Yeah. Just look at her feet.

Okay, but that--

Heh. Pinhead wants
to tell his wife.

We'll be back
in seconds.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

PAUL:
How's Uncle Phil's
studying going?

He's got a French test
tomorrow,

and he's worried about it.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

There's Lisa.

Oh, they're here
already?

Who?

What's that?
Who's "they"?

Uh, Lisa and her friends.

Isn't she bringing
her friends over?

No.

My mistake.

Hidi-hi.
Hi.

Oh, boy.
Hidi-ho.

Hey, are those
new clogs?

They're great.

No. I've had these
forever.

Oh, never noticed.

Jiminy. Those take
some getting used to.

Yeah, but people
sure like 'em.

Just now
in the cab ride over,

I sat in front
with the driver,

he didn't even
charge me for the ride.

Is that right?

Yeah. It was great.

And today at lunch,
waiter gave me a free steak.

Wow. Those guys,
they're just such saps.

Can I have your VCR?

Whatever you want.
Sure.

JAMIE:
Uncle Phil,

you got nothing to fear
but fear itself.

That's enough to fear.

It's just a French test.
I know.

And you've been studying
very, very hard.

I also took the precaution

of writing all the answers
on my person.

What--What are you
talking about?

My entire body
is covered in French.

That hasn't happened since
I dated Madam Curie.

I want you to know that.

Wait a minute.

You wrote the answers
on your body?

Absolutely. Here.

Regular verbs.

And here you got
the irregulars.

Where'd you put
the subjunctive?

You don't wanna know.

Are you telling me

Philip Buchman
is going to cheat?

Mais, oui.

Uncle Phil.

Look, this is not right.

I know you wanna
pass the test

and you wanna graduate

and you wanna go to the prom
and everything--

What's Paul's trying to say
is we didn't raise a cheater.

Come here.
Exactly.

You're erasing all my days--
Lun--di, Jeudi, Mercredi.

There goes the week.

Give me your leg.

Seriously?
Uh-huh.

Give her the leg.

Be very careful.

You're close to the dangling
participle there.

[CLASS BELL RINGS]
All right.

There's the bell.
Listen, you relax.

You're gonna do just fine.

You're very smart.
You'll do great.

French, here I come.

Au revoir.
Tout a l'heure.

Sayonara.

UNCLE PHIL:
French, French.

French, French.

[RANTING IN GERMAN]

That was German.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

French, French.
French!

French bread.

French fries.

French toast.

French kiss.

Ooh, that's a good one.

Ooh. It's all
coming back. Yes.

To play-- Jouer.

To eat-- Manger.

To speak-- Parler.

Vraiment.Okay. Ah.

PAUL:
Uncle Phil! A in French--

That's like in American.

UNCLE PHIL:
That's good,
but this is even better.

[BAND PLAYING LIGHT JAZZ MUSIC]

I made it. I'm at the prom.
You got it.

If I die tomorrow,
I'd be happy.

Oh, no. I got something
to do tomorrow.

If I die Tuesday...

Oh, Philip!

UNCLE PHIL:
Rosie.

There's Rosie.
Now listen,

I know you're
chaperoning me tonight,

but don't hang around
too close.

No, no.
If you get too near,

I'll give you a sign
like--[QUACKING]

It means spread out.
You got it.

But if in the middle
of the [QUACKING],

you hear--[DYING DUCK],

that means I'm having
a heart att*ck.

Rush to my assistance.
We'll come over.

You got it.

Hi.

Mr. and Mrs.
Buchman.

Philip.

Would you care
to dance?

Ohh...
Yes. Here we go.

And may I say,
you look

quite fetching tonight.
Thank you.

That's--That's
a k*ller dress.

Thanks.
It's Lisaalna's.

[SPITS]

Oh, Philip,

you're very light
on your feet.

[SNORING]

Philip?

[SNORES]

Philip, wake up.

What? What? Who?

Rosie, what are
you doing here?

Well, you fell asleep.

Of course. Listen
to that music.

It'd put anybody
to sleep.

Wait right here.

Come on, fellas.
This is a prom.

You wait all year
for this.

Let's jazz it up.

Let's do it
a little jolly.

How about in the key
of G for "gorgeous"?

I'd like to dedicate
this song...

to Rosie.

Here we go.

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT JAZZ]

♪ Rosie ♪

♪ You are my posy ♪

♪ You are ♪

♪ My heart's bouquet ♪

♪ Come out ♪

♪ Here in the moonlight ♪

♪ There's something
Sweet, love ♪

♪ I wanna say ♪

♪ Your honey boy ♪

♪ Am waiting ♪

♪ Your ruby lips to greet ♪

♪ Don't be so aggravatin' ♪

♪ My blushin' Rosie ♪

♪ My posy sweet ♪
[LAUGHS]

♪ There's a little
Bunch of sweetness ♪

♪ That I long
To call my bride ♪

♪ And believe me
I'm not happy ♪

♪ Unless my baby's
By my side ♪

♪ Her baptismal name
Is Rosie ♪

♪ But she puts
The rose to shame ♪

♪ And most every night
You'll hear me ♪

♪ Call her name ♪

♪ Professor ♪

♪ I wanna sing
About my baby ♪

♪ Rosie ♪

♪ You are my posy ♪

♪ You are ♪

♪ My heart's bouquet ♪

♪ Come out ♪

♪ Here in the moonlight ♪

♪ There's something
Sweet, love ♪

♪ I wanna sing
About my baby ♪

♪ Your honey ♪

♪ Your boy
Am a-waitin' ♪

♪ Your ruby ♪

♪ Your lips to greet ♪

♪ Don't be
So aggravatin' ♪

♪ My blushin' Rosie ♪

♪ My posy sweet ♪♪♪

[♪♪♪♪♪]

But, Dr. Cathy,
are you telling me

that I have to spend the rest
of my life in this torment?

DR. CATHY: You'll get over it.
No, I won't get over it.

You'll get over it.

We'll be back in seconds.

[PHONE BEEPS OFF]
Hey.

Hi.

Well, thanks a lot
for the VCR.

First, it ate my copy
of Turner and Hooch,right?

So I go to the video store
and I explain to them.

They don't care.

So I rent another copy
of Turner and Hooch,

take it home--this time
your beautiful machine

does not eat it, right?

But then I've eaten
too many peanut M&M's,

and the part
where Hooch dies--

I get freaked out
and I throw up.

I've over it.

MALE ANNOUNCER: In front.
[HORSES RACING]