07x20 - The Dirty Little Secret

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Murray, it's just
dental hygiene.

Oh, come on.
Yummy, yummy, yummy.

Oh, come on!

You've changed.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

MAN:
Physics for .

TREBEK:
This isotope is used
to make an atomic b*mb.

Okay, uh, no, no.

What is kryptonite?
Kryptonite?

No, no. The hot stuff
that gets hot--

MAN: What is uranium ?
TREBEK: Yes.

All right, like
I'm gonna know that.

MAN: Okay. Abbreviations for .

TREBEK:
In the m*llitary,

it's what the initials
G.I. stand for.

G.I., G.I.--

Gee, your hair
smells terrific.

G...general,
general, general...

Get me out
of the army now.

[BUZZ]

MAN: What is "government issue"?
TREBEK: Right.

Government-- all right,
G.I.-- G.I.Joe.

[BUZZ]
G.I.Joe.

Of course. Well,
what is Guadalcanal?

That's the doorbell.

MAN: Okay. Hail to the chief for ,

the easiest one
on the board.

TREBEK: This was L.B.J.'s middle name.

I know it!

Barry? No. Boo boo?
Bob, Bob.

Biff?

Billy Bob?
Lyndon Billy Bob?

Lyndon Bristol--

Hays, Hays, Hays.

I think it's Hays.

B...L.B.J.

Not Hays.
Not Hays.

[BUZZ]

MAN: What is "Baines"?
BOTH: Baines!

I knew that.

Were we always
this stupid,

or is this recent?

What?

What what?

Hello, skunkie. Hi.

All right,
which one of you

picked Moby d*ck
for the book club?

Okay, that was her.

I wanted
I Like Lollipops

by Telly Savalas,
but no...

Moby d*ck.

Moby Dickis a classic.

Hey, Telly Savalas--
pretty complicated man.

What do you got there?

A little gift for my niece.

Buchman and Stemple
family trees.

Wow!

Look at that!

Yeah, isn't that
something?

See how far back
they go?

Look at that.
Yeah, Spartacus Stemple.

Who knew?
You mock,

but this way your daughter will
know from whence she came.

From Holland, apparently.

So you're really--
you're part

Holland-- Hollandish--
Holl-- Hollandarian?

Holl-- Hollandaise...

Dutch?

Dutch! Okay,
'cause all right...

I want to point out just
a little sort of anomaly.

If you look at the Stemple

great-great-great-
grandmother--

Hester.

She is connected
by a squiggly line to...

Irwin Buchman.

That's funny.
So then, if you go

to the Buchman great-
great-great-grandfather--

Irwin Buchman--

his son Maximilian...

known as Jorge to his friends,
which is interesting.

Is also connected
by a squiggly line to...

Eleanor, daughter of
Romulus and Alexa.

Exactly.

I don't know what you're
talking about.

What, what, what?

You're cousins.

We're all cousins.

And worse yet, in fact,
we are descended from cousins.

I told you
we were stupid.

PAUL:
Honey, I can't
believe you waited

till the day before
the book club

to read Moby d*ck.

On the off chance
we don't make it

all the way
through the books,

maybe we should pick up
the Cliff Notes.

The Cliff Notesfor this
are gonna be pages.

Is there, like, a pop-up book
or something we could get?

Next thing, we'll be
renting the movie.

Good idea.
Hey, look at this!

So You Think You Married Your Cousin.

That's a joke book.

No, it's n-- Oh, Jeff Foxworthy.
Okay. All right.

Come here.

The Complete Guide to
Genealogical Relationships.

Let's just look
and see exactly

how disgusting
and immoral we are.

Okay, right here.

So if we're...

So according
to this, we are--

Fourth cousins
once-- once removed.

No, not-- not removed.
You're only removed

if you're not
the same generation.

So we're fourth cousins?

I think so.

So that means I'm a cousin
of somebody who is a cousin

who has as their cousin somebody
who is a cousin of yours?

Huh?

Maybe children of cousins
are not the best people

to be figuring this kind
of thing out.

We're fourth cousins,
Paul.

Okay, so we're
fourth cousins.

Big deal.

Not a problem. Fine.

Ugh!

Gaaaaa,
I don't like this.

This is not supposed
to happen to people like us.

Not to use stereotypes
or, you know, labels,

but this is
the kind of thing

that generally happens
to people

a little more hillish
and a little more billyish.

I'll tell you this much.

We are hiding
those family trees,

and we're swearing
Debbie to secrecy.

Oh, believe me. Can you imagine
what my mother's gonna say?

Oy. So what do
we do now?

Go home, grab our banjo,
and brush our tooth.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

PAUL:
All right, congratulations.

We've been reading Moby Dickfor hours.

What page are you on?

Four.

Good for you.

It starts on .

I understand. Ask me
what page I'm on.

What page?

Three.

Why does he type
so small?

He shouldn't.

No. You write
a book, be proud.

And be clear.

You know,
how about this?

You want to maybe
split it up?

I'll read half,
you read half,

and later we'll tell each other
what happened in the other half.

All right, so that would
be half of ,

so that would be ...

It's ...

No, actually ...

Is that ?

Four, six-- you didn't
carry-- carry the one.

Four-- hold it.
What did you say, ?

It's a lot of pages.
Whatever it is.

How about this,
how about this?

I'll read the end,
and you read the beginning,

and we'll just skip
the middle.

You're not gonna
understand the end

if you don't read the beginning
and the middle.

Oh, I'm not gonna
understand the end

even if do read the beginning
and the middle.

You would just skip
the whole middle?

Yeah! What happens
in the middle?

Nothing happens in the middle,
nothing important,

otherwise you wouldn't
need the end.

I am not ready to throw in
the towel and cheat.

All right.
Let me tell you,

you can run from
the chromosomal mistakes

of our ancestors,
but you can't hide.

The fact that we
can't read Moby d*ck

has nothing to do
with being cousins.

So what is it?

Part of it is aging.

Scientists say the older you
get, the less you retain.

What scientists?

I read a thing.
Where?

Minutes.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

PAUL:
Sweetie?

Yeah?

Do you suppose we
could call up Cliff

and ask him what the hell
he's talking about?

Maybe they have Cliff Notes
for the Cliff Notes.

Yeah. Let me know when you're
ready to give in

and watch the movie.
Warm up the VCR.

[MUTTERS]

MR. MAGOO:
Thar she blows!

It was a great
white whale, Moby d*ck.

And tonight in the story
of the same name,

I play the part
of Ishmael...

I can't believe you got
the Mr. Magoo version.

...Queequeg. That's it.

It's a little loud.

That's the only way
to enjoy Magoo.

He would take
his trusty harpoon,

and standing in the prow
of the whale boat,

he'd let fly
with unerring aim!

And then there
was Captain Ahab.

Oh, that man had
terrible problems

battling the great
white whale--

a hurricane and a storm,

and then his ship
was hit--

All right, that's enough.

I'm enjoying this!

It's not gonna help.

How do you know?

Because this is totally
different from the book.

You didn't read
the book.

No, but I'm guessing
that in the book

Ishmael doesn't try harpooning a
goldfish instead of a whale

'cause he's
so nearsighted!

Well, fine. The book club
is in hours,

so what
do you suggest?

All right, come here.

I suggest a little
visual aid.

The problem with this book
is there's too many words

and not enough pictures.

Yes, there's, like,
virtually no pictures.

Mm-hmm. We have
to encapsulate.

We have to summarize.
We have to hone in

on the few facts that we're
absolutely sure of.

All right, great.

Which-- What-- what
would those facts be?

Okay. All right.

This...is the ship,
the Pequod.

Pequod.

Okay. And this...

is the whale.

Moby.

Moby d*ck.

And this is
the captain...

Ahab.

Doesn't look like
a captain, but...

that's all I'm asking.

All right.

From what I understand,
Ahab...

on the Pequod...

Yeah?

Hunts Moby...

who kills Ahab.

Okay. And?

And that's it.
End of story.

That can't be it.

That's too simple.
I...

you must be
missing something.

Of course I'm missing
something.

I didn't read the book.

Which in a book club--

that's really the whole point,
isn't it?

Honey, come on. It's fine.

We'll wing it.
Let's go to sleep.

All right, all right.
Good night.

Good night, cuz.

Night, sweetie.

Okay.

What?

What? Nothing.

What, you don't
want to kiss me?

No, no, I do, I do.

Good night.

What?

No-- No-- Nothing.

What is it?

You look like
my Uncle Lenny.

Apparently Queequeg is some
sort of mystical character.

Oh, honey, don't
do this to yourself.

Do what I do--
embrace your stupidity.

Look. I made sandwiches

in the shape
of little boats.

I'm embarrassed
to be your cousin.

MAN:
Hey, finally!

Look what I made
for you nice people.

Look, Burt, they
made the sandwiches

look like
little hats.

They're little--
little boats.

How are they boats?

How are they hats?

Can I eat it yet?

Yeah, all right.
Sure.

Okay. I thought we would open

with some general impressions
of the book.

Who would like
to start? Henry?

Me? Oh, boy! Pressure.

Lead-off. Center ring.

Flop sweat.
Panic att*ck.

Gotta go home.

I'm just kidding,
of course.

Um...I liked the book.

I was fascinated
by the idea

that, um, that water
is somehow tied

to human meditation,

that the truth
is lying out there

hiding somewhere
by the sea,

and until you go,
you're left behind

in the dark, alone,
always asking questions.

Is today Tuesday? Where'd
you get those pants?

Is that turkey salad?

That's very profound,
Henry.

No, I'm asking.
Is that turkey salad?

I'll tell you what.

I'm gonna make a long story
short, okay?

Moby Dickis
about dating, period.

I'm sorry?

Ahab is the ultimate
bachelor.

The whale is
the ultimate chick.

Hoo-ah!

Hoo-ah!

Who...uh, can argue
with that?

It's a very valid point.

No, really. Seriously.

Think about it. This guy Ahab,
he goes out there,

he gives everything
he has for this whale,

even though he knows
it's gonna k*ll him.

It's like a moth
to a flame.

Or like a guy named Ira
to the girl across the street

who won't
close her blinds.

Thank you, Ira.

Marvin?

Well, I have to say
that I don't like

that they kept
on calling Moby a whale.

Every page-- whale, whale.

"Hey, look at
that big whale."

"Did you see the size
of that whale?"

"Hey, whaley! Hey, whaley!"

Marvin, he is a whale.

Well, don't you think
he knows that?

Pa? What do you think?

Well, to me Ahab is a man

who squeezed the very last drop
out of life right to the end.

If you're gonna die,
that's the way to go--

strapped to
this massive animal,

surging through the ocean
at miles an hour,

staring death in the face.

Either that, or you go
in your sleep.

Paul, Jamie,
what do you guys think?

I-- I like--
I like what--

These are were
very provocative...

Oh, oh.
You know, sure.

Things to say.
You know, I get it.

Perfectly,
perfectly valid.

I will say this.

Um...Ahab
on the Pequod...

hunts Moby,
who kills Ahab.

Uh-huh.

And, uh, Quentin to me seemed
like a mystical character.

Who?

Quentin. Quentin
was a mystical.

He was
sort of mystical.

Queequeg?

Queequeg, yes.
He was mystical.

What did you make,
for instance,

of Ahab's leg?

Us.
You, yes.

Oh, uh...

Wh-what was
the question?

What did you make
of the leg?

What do we make
of it?

How do you mean?

What do you think
of it?

I think
it's a fine leg.

It's a good leg.

No, no,
but symbolically.

Well, symbolically, yeah,
you know, 'cause...

well, think about it.
You hav-- You have to have legs.

Yeah. Otherwise
it's just Ahab

standing on the prow
of a boat, legless,

which is like sitting,
basically, so...

So he'd have to go out,
and he'd have to get legs?

Where's he gonna get 'em,
like, go to some island

where they sell 'em?
I don't think so.

No, that's--

MARVIN:
Guys?

Ahab had a wooden leg.

I know.

I'm saying, yes.

What?

Because, you know,

how...I mean,
it's so hard to--

to-- to chase a whale
anyway,

so imagine with a wooden leg.
How hard is that?

Yeah, you try it.

Yeah.

You two didn't read
the book, did you?

No, no, you know--

Isn't this just great?

You know, you picked the longest
book ever written,

you make all
of us read it,

and then you don't bother
to read it yourselves?

Golly.

I am really offended.

Me, too.
Double golly.

You didn't read
the book?

Honestly!

What is the matter
with you people?

Tell them.
We're cousins.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Oh, this
is hilarious.

She's my cousin,
she's my wife.

She's my cousin, she's my wife.
She's my--

I'm glad you think
it's so funny.

This affects all of us--
You, me, everybody.

We're practically
circus people.

Well, it doesn't affect me.

My family knows well enough

to go outside the tent
to get their nookie.

IRA:
Right, Marvin.

Like you have
not been in love

with your mother
your whole life.

In love with her, yes,

but I never even
asked her out.

Uh, may I raise the banner
of sanity for a moment here?

Please.

I would like to comment
on this sort of thing.

I once had an aunt-- Uh, she
wasn't exactly my aunt.

Actually, she was
a friend of the family,

but I called her "aunt"

until one summer
afternoon on Nantucket

when I accidentally saw her
step out of the pool shower.

After that
I called her Rita.

But I digress.

My problem is--
May I?

Please.

I am puzzled by
these squiggly lines.

We don't see them
anywhere else

on either family tree.

Because they mean

that somebody did something
very wrong.

SYLVIA:
Excuse me.

There's something
that simply must be said.

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

It wasn't her fault.

I want to welcome you
to the family now.

Now?

I'm telling you,
this is very bad.

Jamie and her
new cousin Mom,

they're, like,
they're inseparable.

Don't you think
you're overreacting?

PAUL: No!
ALL: Hey.

How was your lunch?

I have to tell you,

your mother-- once you get
to know her, shades of nifty.

Help me, lord.

Would you stop?

Just ignore him. He's being
very childish.

Yes, he is.

What's that?

Oh, Sylvia
gave it to me.

She said it was
in the family.

It's lovely.

Isn't it?

I gotta go call her.

Ma gave her
grandma's broach!

I told you
this was very bad.

I have always been
promised that broach!

I know.

Do you know the things
I've had to do

to get that promise?

The mother-daughter
fashion shows.

I know.

The matching culottes...

the freakin' bakeoff
of ' .

She's breaching
on your broach.

Something has
gotta be done.

That's all I'm saying.

Enough's enough, sister.
Cousin.

Right.

[BED CREAKING]

[CREAKING LOUDLY]

[THUMP]
Ow! Ow! Ow!

[TOY SQUEAKS]

Shh, shh, shh!

[DRAWER SLIDES LOUDLY]

Sheesh!

[FLOORBOARDS CREAK]

[WINDOW RATTLES]

Oh, just open!

I got a pain right there.

Okay.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Quiet, quiet.

[DOOR SQUEAKS]

Shh!

Did the doorman see you?

Sleeping.

Good. In general,
that's bad,

but tonight that's good.

Do you have the broach?
Yeah.

Broach. Also a couple
of little extra trinkets

just so it wouldn't
look suspicious.

Some old cheap necklaces.
That's an old watch of mine.

Burglar takes a Taco Bell
novelty watch?

I left the window open

so it'll look like the burglar
used the fire escape.

It's perfect.

The broach
will disappear,

and Ma will
tear Jamie apart.

You're very sweet
to say that.

Yeah.

Go, go, go! Shh.

[DOOR CREAKS]

[MURRAY WHIMPERS]
Quiet.

[BANGING]

Shh! Shut up.

Quiet. Quiet.
Very, very quiet.

[TOY CAR SQUEALS]

Shh. Shh!

[HEAVY SNORING]

God bless her.

It's all right.

But Grandma's
broach.

Now, don't blame yourself.

I feel so bad.

No, the important thing
is that you're all right.

You're so wonderful,
Mommy.

No, no, no.
It's nothing, it's nothing.

Look. Here,
take my watch.

Oh!

[DOOR BUZZES]

DEBBIE:
Stop.

All right, we get it.
You can stop.

Hi. Avon lady.

Just kidding.

What's up?

Well, I was inspired

by your little announcement
the other day

to do a little deeper
genealogical research,

and, uh, could possibly put
these down somewhere?

Sure.

Avon lady.
Just kidding.

It's like Avon calling.

You know, actually, there are
a lot of arcane abbreviations

used in genealogy.

For instance, the caret
indicates a second marriage.

Now, the brackets
indicate a maiden name,

and those
squiggly lines--

also known
as a swung dash--

indicate quite
fascinatingly--

and how do I put this
delicately?

Um...servitude.

Wh-wh-wh...

Irwin Buchman and Hester Stemple
were never married.

He was actually
her valet.

What?

Her valet! He picked
up her clothes--

No, I know what
a valet is.

The same with Maximilian
and Eleanor.

They were not married.

He waited on her
hand and foot.

There's quite a history
of Buchmans being bossed around

by Stemples here,
but I make no judgment.

I'm just kidding,
of course.

Wait, wait. So our family
is not inbred?

That's right.

So-- So we're just
naturally stupid.

Yes.
Oh!

Oh, hon, isn't
that great?

Oh, god, yes.

Mommy, isn't that great?

Yeah. Gimme the watch.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Come here, you.

Yeah.

What's the matter?

Mmm, nah. Mmm...

You okay?

Yeah.

Mmmmm...

You got a headache
or something?

Mmmmmm...

You know,
we're not cousins.

Mmmmm...

What is it?

I miss Mommy.