02x11 - Requiem for an Urkel

[bunniefuu]

Bill.

Bill.

Bill.

Tax refund?

That figures, wrong address.

- Hey, Harriette.
- Ugh.

Oh.

Tough day?

Yeah, I finally caught up
with that computer thief.

He's been using his boss'
name to order extra equipment.

Well, at least you finally caught him.
How's that new assistant working out?

Not so good. He's
the computer thief.

I heard someone come in. I
thought it might be my date.

[IN UNISON] Date?

Uh-huh. Ha, ha.

Well, come over here and
sit down and tell us about it.

Ooh, so who's your date?

Fletcher Thomas.

Oh, he's handsome.

Honey, he is a major hunk.

[CHUCKLES]

He's taking me to dinner
and then we're going dancing.

- Aw.
- And after that?

Well, now, there may
not be any "after that."

When men mambo with
Mama, they drop like flies.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Please don't mention it to Carl.

Every time I get interested
in a man, Carl has a hissy fit.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hello, Estelle.

You look absolutely beautiful.

Fletcher, if you're
trying to sweet-talk me...

good start.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

- A rose for a rose.
- Oh.

Don't wait up, honey.

- Night, Mom.
- Night.

Have a grape.

- Great color.
- Mm-hm.

- Gotta study.
- Yep.

- School dance next week. Good night.
- Wait, wait, wait, whoa.

School dance?

Yeah, Sadie Hawkins
Day, girls ask boys.

I'm gonna ask Greg Hudson.

- Have I met him?
- No.

But picture a Greek
god with his own moped.

Well, just make sure Mr. Apollo
has you home before 11.

Eleven? When are you gonna
realize I'm becoming a mature woman?

When you can get through breakfast
without spitting Cheerios at your sister.

Hey, is that that new
nightgown I bought you?

- Yes.
- Let me see you model it.

Aw.

It's so pretty.

Hello, g*ng.

Oh.

Laura.

Nightgown.

Oh.

Steve? Steve?

Steve.

Are you okay?

I'm sorry, it was just the shock of
seeing Laura in her unmentionables.

Oops, I mentioned them.

JUDY: Mom, Richie put silly
glue on the toilet seat again.

- Well, just bring him on
down here. JUDY: I can't.

Uh-oh!

Laura, I realize money
is scarce these days...

but why in tarnation doesn't
someone buy that woman some shoes?

Steve, what do you want?

Only to serve you, milady.

[SINGING] Let's sit you
down upon the couch

Doo-dah, doo-dah

Gonna pop some grapes into
your mouth All the doo-dah day

Now you're in your
place I can fan your face

Steve! What do you want?

Oh, I thought you might like to ask
me to the Sadie Hawkins Day Dance.

- Steve, listen...
- I was gonna wait for you to call...

then I realized that would be like waiting
for Dan Quayle to appear on Jeopardy!

[LAUGHS THEN SNORTS]

I was gonna ask Greg
Hudson to the dance.

Greg Hudson?

The smart,
good-looking, rich guy?

But why?

Well, because I
sort of like him a little.

Actually, a lot.

Actually, a whole lot.

Oh.

Oh, well, I see. I see.

Well, I really hope you
and Greg have a good time.

You'll probably get
stuck with going in a limo.

That's too bad, because my cousin
was gonna take us in his horse trailer.

Steve, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm all right. It's
just something in my eye.

Oh, look, it was my finger.

I didn't mean to hurt you. I
just didn't wanna lead you on.

I know. Tell you what...

you go ahead and ask Greg
"Teeth are a little crooked" Hudson...

but if he turns you down...

A decision which could only
be the result of inbreeding.

I'll be there waiting with
the horse trailer. Deal?

Deal.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

- What you gonna do, Willie?
- Gonna trash Urkel's locker.

Why you gonna do that, Willie?

Because it's Tuesday.

Again?

[ALARM WAILING]

[ALARM STOPS]

All right, come clean,
Fuffner. I know you did this.

Not me, potato-face.

"Potato-face," now there's a real
mastery of the English language.

Fellow students, I implore you.

Isn't there one of
you with the guts...

to come forth and
testify against this ruffian?

Sheep. You're all sheep.

Oh, hi, Laura.

- Uh, Greg?
- Hi, Laura.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Enough with the small talk.

Would you like to go with me to
the Sadie Hawkins Day Dance?

I can't, Laura. I
mean, I'd like to, but...

You don't have to
explain, I understand.

No, no, no, wait,
you don't understand.

Good grief, man, have you
just taken leave of your senses?

You were just asked out by the
most wonderful woman in the world.

Would you keep your voice down?

I'd like to go with Laura,
but Willie won't let me.

Fuffner? The locker looter?

Yeah. He told Laura he wanted her
to ask him to the dance. She said no.

That's my feisty filly.

Yeah, well, Willie's
getting back at her.

He put out word that any guy
who goes to the dance with Laura...

- will end up breathing through his ears.
- Ah.

So he wants her to
go to the dance alone?

Worse. He wants
her to go with you.

Why, that swine.

We'll just see about that.

Fuffner, I have heard of
some low things in my time...

but forcing Laura to go
to the dance with me...

well, that's just
plain despicable.

Thank you.

Sir, not only have you
harassed and insulted me...

but you have sullied the
reputation of my lady love.

I demand satisfaction.

He hit me with a mitten.

Be careful, he got another one.

Urkel, you are dead meat.

Aah! Hold me back. Hold me back.

ALL: Fight! Fight! Fight!

Break it up! Break it up!

You two wanna take a little
trip down to the principal's office?

No, sir.

I only wish to give this philistine
the pummeling he deserves.

What did he call me?

Phyllis somebody.

Let him go, he's mine!

So I take it this is a fight
you both wanna finish?

- Yeah.
- I want you! I want you!

- I want you!
- Okay. Okay!

Noon. Saturday. Silver's Gym.

In the ring, with
proper supervision.

I'll be there, coach, but I got 10
bucks says that Urkel won't show.

Oh, I'll be there all right,
Fuffner. With bells on.

Hey, you really
think he'll wear bells?

STEVE: Gee, Carl, thanks for
helping me hone my pugilistic skills.

I'm so fast, I'm so pretty. I'm
a lean, mean Urkel machine.

Steve, are you sure you
wanna go through with this?

I have to. Laura's honor
has been impugned...

by that pugnacious
pile of putrid pond poop.

All right, climb into the ring and
let's see how much you have to learn.

- Ready.
- Swell.

Okay, uh, show me
your fighting stance.

How's this?

Great, if you're fighting
the Easter Bunny.

All right, now, uh, show
me your fighting style.

[PANTING]

Steve.

Steve.

- Steve!
- Hmm?

That's not a fighting
style, that's a plea for help.

Teach me, Carl.

All right, I'll try.

But, Steve, I strongly suggest that
you consider a different strategy.

Instead of trying to hit
your opponent, run from him.

- Ah, sort of like an Urkel Shuffle.
- Right.

I'll work on that, but could you
show me a few punches anyway?

Okay. Now, Steve, a boxer's
most important punch is the jab.

It's a quick straight blow
to your opponent's face.

Now, let's see your jab.

How's that?

Fine, fine.

Just next time,
wait till I'm ready.

- Oh, sorry, big guy.
- Mm-hm.

Now, another good
punch is the left hook.

The arm travels in
a circular motion...

hopefully connecting
with your opponent's chin.

It's a real good punch to have, especially
if the other guy's just using his jab.

Sorry. Reflex.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Another good punch to
have is the right cross.

It's a power move. A
knock-you-out punch.

Now, when you see an opening...

your right hand comes
across your left hand...

with all your weight
behind it. Like this:

You don't wanna overuse your right cross.
You save that for the perfect moment.

Most of the time you'll be relying
on your left hook and your jab.

Oh.

That's enough for today, Steve.

- I couldn't believe it, ha, ha.
- Ha, ha.

Estelle, when we finished that
mambo, and everybody applauded...

I was so proud, I
thought I'd bust a gut.

Be honest, Fletcher...

they applauded because
you split your pants.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Oh, Fletcher, I had
a wonderful time.

- Me too. Good night.
- Good night.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[CLEARS THROAT]

- Oh, hi.
- Hi.

I'm Carl Winslow.
Who the hell are you?

I'm Fletcher Thomas.

You must be Estelle's son. She's
told me an awful lot about you.

Oh, really? That's funny. She
hasn't mentioned a thing about you.

Ahem, by the way, I'm a cop.

Oh.

That's nice. Well, good
night again, Estelle.

Good night, Fletcher.

And thanks again for a
wonderful, lovely evening.

The pleasure was all mine.

Pleasure? What pleasure?

- Don't start with me, Carl.
- But...

Mama, you were kissing that man.

So?

Well, you're my mother. Moms
aren't supposed to do that stuff.

If mothers didn't do that
stuff, you wouldn't be here.

But... But...

I think I'm getting a headache.

Carl, honey...

Fletcher's a good man.

He enjoys my
company, and I enjoy his.

That's good, Mama, really
good. I'm happy for you.

Bless you, you sweetheart.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Fletcher Thomas.

- You sure that's his real name?
- Yeah.

I'll run a make on him.

[SCOFFS]

Hi, Laura.

Hello, Greg.

You okay?

No. It really bugs me
that Steve is the only

guy with enough guts
to stand up to Willie.

WILLIE: Yeah.
- Okay, here we go.

[CROWD BOOING]

CROWD: All right! Yeah!

CROWD [CHANTING]:
Urkel! Urkel! Urkel!

- Yeah! CROWD: Whoo!

BOY: Urkel! You rock!

Yeah!

Yeah. Whoo, whoo!

Rachel, did Steve like
the robe we made him?

Oh, yes, he was really touched.

After the fight, he
wants to be buried in it.

[BELL RINGS]

Ladies and gentlemen...

what we got here is a
three-round grudge match.

In this corner, weighing
in at 142 pounds...

Hurricane Willie Fuffner.

[CROWD BOOING]

And in this corner...

at 97 pounds soaking wet...

Steve "The Iron Man" Urkel.

[CROWD CHEERING]

All right, gentlemen,
you hear the bell...

you come to the center of the ring,
you touch gloves, you commence fighting.

[BELL RINGS]

[STEVE GRUNTS]

- Gee, he lasted longer than I thought.
- One, two...

Steve. Steve.

Not now, Carl, I'm busy.

Listen, stay away from him.

- Try the Urkel Shuffle.
- Right.

[WILLIE GRUNTS]

[CROWD CHEERS]

BOY: Yeah. GIRL: Yeah.

BOY: Come on.

Come on, Steve.

CARL: Go, Steve. GIRL: Yeah.

STEVE: Yeah!

STEVE: Ugh.
- Oh.

- One, two... CARL: Steve!

Keep going!

I... I can't.

He broke my shuffle.

Steve, I think we
should throw in the towel.

No way, Carl.

If I can just hit him once, with all my
might, why, I'll drop him like a bad habit.

Come on, fight.

[STEVE GRUNTS]

Uh-oh!

[CROWD GROANS]

Oh!

Oh!

- One...
- Steve!

REDDING: two...
- Laura?

There's three of you.

Oh, the world doesn't
deserve such riches.

Steve, stop getting
back up. Stay down.

Don't worry, my little...
[CROWD GROANS]

We'll talk later.

- Yeah.
- One...

- two...
- Steve, stay down!

Stay down!

What'd you say?

CROWD: She said, stay down!

All right, Fuffner.

Quit stalling.
Where are you, huh?

Now, take that.

And a little of that too.

GREG: Hold it!

Willie, I'm tired of you
pushing us around.

If Urkel can stand
up to you, so can I.

So after you finish him,
you're gonna have to fight me.

- After?
- And then me.

And then me.

Come on, I can take you all on.

What you gonna do now, Willie?

Run.

Me too, Willie.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the fight's over.

- Steve, are you okay?
- Huh? Huh?

I seem to be all right. I don't
seem to be hallucinating...

or experiencing any other
signs of a concussion.

Hey, Laura, if you still want me to
go to the dance with you, I'd like to.

Thanks, Greg, but I've
decided to go with my champion.

Steve, will you go with me to
the Sadie Hawkins Day Dance?

Oh, no, I was wrong.

I am hallucinating.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the winner by a principle...

Steve "Iron Man" Urkel!

[ALL CHEERING]