02x13 - Have Yourself a Very Winslow Christmas

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Family Matters". Aired: September 22, 1989 - May 9, 1997.*
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A spin-off of Perfect Strangers, the series revolves around the Winslow family, a middle-class African-American family and their nerdy neighbor Steve Urkel.
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02x13 - Have Yourself a Very Winslow Christmas

Post by bunniefuu »

Sleigh bells ring,
are you listening?

In the lane, snow is glistening

You sure are in
the Christmas spirit.

- Yeah. It's my favorite time of year.
- Oh, mine too.

You know, people just
seem friendlier and happier.

And best of all, the entire Urkel family
goes out of town for two whole weeks.

Sleigh bells ring,
are you listening?

In the lane, snow is glistening

A beautiful sight,
we're happy tonight

Walking in the winter wonderland

Steve, what are you doing here?

Spreading Christmas
cheer, my little candy cane.

You told me your family was
going to Hawaii for two weeks.

My parents decided to go alone
this year, to renew their vows.

- A second honeymoon?
- No.

They're renewing their vows
not to have any more children.

But, lucky me, I get to spend
Christmas with my Uncle Cecil.

I thought your uncle was busted for
operating an unlicensed hot-tub club.

Oh, he b*at that rap.

He had a Polaroid of the judge
tickling the bailiff with a rubber ducky.

So you're gonna be around
all Christmas vacation?

Yep.

Wow. By sheer coincidence...

we just happen to be
standing under some mistletoe.

Let us honor
tradition with a kiss.

Hey.

Carl, Richie wants a
Freddy Teddy for Christmas.

- A what?
- A Freddy Teddy.

It's a battery-operated
bear that moves his mouth...

and blinks his eyes
and tells stories.

Sounds like the guy I
went out with last week.

Except his batteries went dead.

Anyway, it's the only toy Little
Richie wants for Christmas.

He has written
Santa Claus six times.

In case the first five
letters got lost in the mail.

So, what is it? You need some money,
Rachel? Is Fuddy Duddy expensive?

"Freddy Teddy."
No, it's not that.

I've been to every toy store in
town, and they're all sold out.

- Oh.
- The toy companies do that on purpose.

See, they deliberately create a
shortage, which increases demand...

- which sh**t up their profits.
- Rachel.

They don't give a hoot
about the customer.

It's just money, money,
money. It just burns my boots.

- Rachel.
- I'm gonna call my congressman.

No, I'm gonna call the senator.
No, I'm calling the president.

- And I'll call Al Mushman.
- Oh. Who?

Al Mushman, our equipment
supply officer. He can find anything.

If there's a Funky Franky
within 500 square miles...

- "Freddy Teddy."
- Whatever.

Mushman will know where it is.

Carl. CARL: Huh?

Is Al Mushman cute?

He's all right.

Is he single?

- Yeah.
- And he can find anything?

Right, Mama.

Well, tell him he can find
me here tonight at 8:00.

Mom, look. I found the ornament
Grandma Baker gave me.

Oh, it's so pretty.

You know, it's
almost as old as I am.

- Well, let's see. That means it's...
- Yep, almost 21 years old.

Gosh, you guys are
the perfect family.

Look how you've
decked these halls.

Thank you, Steve.

Why, you put the "merry" in "Christmas,"
the "no" in "noel," the "sp" in "spirit."

Oh, Judy, we gotta make
one more trip to the attic.

- We forgot the tree skirt.
- Okay.

Mom, in case I haven't mentioned
it, I'd like a CD player for Christmas.

Judy, give it a rest.

Psst.

Whoa. Oh.

Guess what. I'm asking
Santa for a Freddy Teddy.

Really? Have you been
a good boy this year?

I had a pretty good August.

That's a key month. I'm sure
he'll bring you what you want.

Thanks, Uncle Steve.

"Uncle Steve."

Ahhh.

I just love children. They're
still young enough to respect me.

Steve, you shouldn't have told
Richie that Santa was gonna bring him...

a Freddy Teddy.

Well, why in heaven's name not?

Aunt Rachel's having
trouble finding him one.

Well, why is she even
trying? That's Santa's job.

- Uh... You're kidding, right?
- About what?

Steve, wait a minute. Are you
saying you still believe in Santa Claus?

Of course.

But, Steve, hasn't anyone
ever told you that he's not real?

Well, I've heard rumors, but
I try to ignore vicious gossip.

You know, there's even an ugly
rumor floating around that I'm a nerd.

Steve, there is no Santa Clau...

Shh.

He might hear you.

Steve, he's right.

You too, Laura? You've
swallowed this bilge water?

Steve, think about it. How
is it possible for one guy...

to deliver toys to every kid in
the entire world in just one night?

Well, it's a miracle, Laura. You don't
analyze miracles, you just believe in them.

Oh, please.

Well, how can I show you
guys that there really is a Santa?

Oh.

Ah.

Well, I know.

I'll write down what I
want for Christmas. Yeah.

And then I'll seal it in an envelope
and mail it to you by registered mail.

And on Christmas morning, we'll open it
and see if Santa gave me what I asked for.

Good idea. In fact, why don't you run home
right now and get started on that note.

I'm lickety-splitting.

Did I do that?

Steve, you broke
my favorite ornament.

- Oh, gee, Laura. I'll buy you another one.
- You can't.

It's an antique. It's
as old as my mother.

Oh, well, gee, I'm sorry.

You're always sorry.

Look, I don't want you over
here on Christmas morning.

In fact, I don't want you
over here ever again.

Oh.

Then that will be my
Christmas present to you.

Merry Christmas, Laura.

Hurry up.

Lady, come on. - Oh, come on.

Folks, how many of you
are here for a Freddy Teddy?

Well, in that case, the
price just went up to $90.

Ma'am, I'm gonna
have to call this in.

How long have you
been waiting, sir?

Almost three and a half hours.
And I drove 50 miles to get here.

Oh, my goodness.

What we go through for our
children and grandchildren.

Tell me about it.

It's worth it, though.

To see their little faces light up
with joy on Christmas morning.

Right.

After all, we love our kids.

And love is what
Christmas is all about.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Finally. One Freddy
Teddy, please.

I'm sorry folks, but this
is the last Freddy Teddy.

What?

But that's not fair.

Ma'am, look, I'm sorry,
but we're all sold out.

This bohunk butted in line.

- I did not.
- Oh, yes, he did.

Now, that's my Freddy
Teddy. Oh, oh, oh.

Now, wait just a minute
here. What's the...?

- Didn't he butt in line?
- Yep. And so did you.

- That's my Freddy Teddy.
- What are you talking about?

Hey, wait a minute. Hold
on a second. Don't do that.

Officer in distress. I need
backup. I need backup. Help!

- Hi, Mom.
- Hello, Laura.

- Finish your shopping?
- Yeah.

The mall was mobbed, and the stores
only had stuff left that nobody wants.

Well, did you get
Judy's compact disc?

"Willard Scott Sings His
Favorite Camp Songs"?

Yeah. That's all they had.

Ooh. Look. Bryant
Gumbel sings backup.

Oh, what's the matter, honey?

Well...

I guess I'm feeling
a little guilty.

- About what?
- The way I treated Steve.

When he broke my
ornament, I just freaked.

Oh, honey, it was an accident.

Steve can't seem
to help being clumsy.

I know. When he was a
baby, I bet his first words were:

"Did I do that?"

- So you wanna apologize?
- No.

But I guess I should, huh?

On the way home, I heard
him singing in his basement.

Either that, or
somebody's torturing a cat.

Have myself a
merry little Christmas

Make the Yuletide bright

From now on My
troubles will be out of sight

Well, my tree is up.

What will I do now?

I know. I'll count my
Christmas cards again.

One.

Now I'll read it.

"Warmest holiday greetings from all
your friends at the Allergy Institute."

Oh. Christmas dinner is ready.

Who is it? LAURA: Laura.

Oh, wow.

Just a minute.

- Hello, Steve.
- Oh, Laura, my Christmas cookie.

Why, you look prettier than
a partridge in a pear tree.

What are you doing down here? Aren't
you supposed to be at your Uncle Cecil's?

Oh, well, he got arrested.

Oh. What happened?

Well, he drank a little
too much eggnog...

put on his stocking cap
and went out caroling.

- Well, what's wrong with that?
- Well, all he had on was his stocking cap.

So you're spending
Christmas all alone?

Yep.

Yep, yep, yep.

Are you okay?

Why, sure. I've got my
Christmas tree, Christmas card...

and, hey, a Christmas dinner.

Look, Steve, I can't
believe I'm saying this...

but would you like to spend
Christmas Eve at our house?

- With you?
- Yes.

- And your family?
- Yes.

Oh. You mean actually
inside your house?

- Yes.
- Oh.

Oh.

Maybe you can
even stay overnight.

Oh. Oh.

- Steve, sit down.
- Oh. Oh.

Oh!

- Laura?
- Yeah?

I've fallen, and I can't get up.

Mm. Oh.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh!

Oh, boy.

Wake up! Wake up! Santa came!

Everybody, wake
up! It's Christmas!

Dashing through the snow

On a one horse open sleigh

O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

Wake up! Wake up!
Wake up! It's Christmas!

- Did Santa come? Did Santa come?
- He sure did. Look! Look!

- Wow, we've really cleaned up.
- Yeah.

Carl, what in Sam
Hill took you so long?

- What time is it?
- Five thirty a.m.

Good night.

Oh. Oh, yeah. Ha-ha-ha.

- Excuse me.
- Excuse me.

Sorry.

- Coffee's on. Merry Christmas, everybody.
- Merry Christmas, Mom.

And, Carl, thank you for my trumpet.
- Well, hey.

A CD player.

Look out. I'm musically
armed and dangerous.

Oh. Check out my new
boom box. Ha-ha-ha.

Hey. Please tell me we
got him headphones too.

Thank God.

- Hey, guys, look at
me. I'm styling. ALL: Ooh.

Yeah, girl. Ha-ha-ha.

Here, Steve. Merry Christmas.

Thank you, Laura.
Oh, and this is for you.

Wow, a wallet.

Oh, and genuine canvas.

Oh, thank you, sweetums.

I'll put your picture in it
and tape it to my heart.

That's not necessary, Steve.

Oh, yes, it is. That's where
I always keep my wallet.

You learn a few tricks...

when you've been shaken down
for milk money as often as I have.

What's this?

Oh, no.

Oh, yes. Your very
own Steve Urkel doll.

I made it myself. Now you'll
always have me with you.

Well, go ahead, pull the string.

STEVE: Did I do that?

Steve, you shouldn't have, and
I can't emphasize that enough.

I've fallen, and I can't get up.

Richie, sweetheart.

What do you think of the bike
Santa Claus brought you? Isn't it hot?

Yeah, it's great, but what I
really like is my Freddy Teddy.

Uh... What Freddy Teddy?

This Freddy Teddy.

- Carl?
- Don't look at me. I didn't get it.

Me neither.

- Steve, did you get it?
- Not me.

Oh, come on. Now,
where did it come from?

Santa brought it.
Right, Uncle Steve?

Well, none of us brought
it, so it had to be Santa.

But that's impossible.

My goodness. Still
the doubting Eddo.

You want more proof
that there's a Santa?

Why don't you open that letter
I sent you by registered mail?

Yeah. Let's see if Steve got
what he wanted from Santa.

Here it is.

"Dearest Laura and doubting Eddo,
to prove the existence of Santa Claus...

I've decided to ask him for the
most impossible present I can think of:

to spend Christmas with my
favorite people in the world...

the Winslows."

Thanks, Santa.

Oh, I love this song.

Have yourself a
merry little Christmas

Let your hearts be
light From now on

Our troubles will
be out of sight

Through the years
We all will be together

If the fates allow

Hang a shining star
Upon the highest bough

And have yourself

A merry little Christmas now

Oh, yeah
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