02x15 - Son

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Family Matters". Aired: September 22, 1989 - May 9, 1997.*
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A spin-off of Perfect Strangers, the series revolves around the Winslow family, a middle-class African-American family and their nerdy neighbor Steve Urkel.
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02x15 - Son

Post by bunniefuu »

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING ON TV]

Let's see.

Munchies.

Comfy couch.

Ah. Remote control.

Ah.

Ah. The good life.

Okay, Mom. Bring it in.

All right, sweetheart.
Be careful, Harriette.

Yeah, okay.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Now, wait a minute.

Harriette, I am trying to
watch the football game.

Look at my new playhouse.

Yeah, this baby is really loaded. It's
got a table, a phone, a swinging door...

A mortgage.

Good luck putting it
together, Uncle Carl.

Oh, Harriette.

Please, Uncle Carl?

Richie, I'll put it
together after the game.

- How long is that?
- Three hours.

I'll be too big for it by then.

But, Richie, it's the
Bears and the Vikings.

Please, Uncle Carl. I love you.

A bushel and a peck and
a hug around the neck.

Okay, okay.

He never had a chance.

Hi, big guy.

What do you want?

Oh, say, why don't you just
wear a hat like everybody else?

[LAUGHS]

Steve, I'm in no mood for this.

Why the sour puss,
my portly pouty pal?

Well, I have to assemble
this, uh, playhouse for Richie.

- Oh, you want some help?
- No, no, thanks.

I mean, it's just a kid's
toy. Ha. How hard can it be?

Yikes.

No problemo.

Just put yourself in the
hands of master builder Urkel.

Okay, you read the instructions
while I lay out all the pieces.

Okay.

[SPEAKING IN KOREAN]

- What are you babbling about?
- This page is in Korean.

They misspelled three words.

You can read Korean?

Why, sure. It's a
beautiful language.

I'll teach you. We'll start with
a common Korean phrase.

[SPEAKING IN KOREAN]

- Well, what's that mean?
- I've fallen and I can't get up.

I'll get us some tools, you,
uh, lay out all the pieces.

I've fallen and I can't get up.

Harriette, maybe I shouldn't have
asked Carl to build Richie's playhouse.

After all, he's not
exactly Mr. Fix It.

That's not true.

Remember last month he
installed that extra light socket?

It works perfectly.

That's true.

And his eyebrows have
just about grown back.

[ALL CHUCKLE]

Hey, Jolene, I got a
chest hair update for you.

[CHUCKLING]

I'm up to a dozen.

By this summer,
I should be a rug.

Attention, everybody.

I can't find my screwdriver.

- I didn't take it.
- Me neither.

[CARL CLEARS THROAT]

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Dad, I'm in the middle of a
very important conversation.

[LAUGHS]

Binky Bear can't wait
to see his Winky Bear.

Edward, have you seen
my Phillips screwdriver?

Uh, yeah, last week.
I used it to fix my bike.

- Well, where is it now?
- Dad, I don't know.

I'm busy here.

[EDDIE CHUCKLES]

Sorry, Winky Bear, but Binky
Bear has to talk to Papa Bear.

Bye-bye.

Dad, I can't believe
you just did that.

Edward, what did you
do with my screwdriver?

- I don't remember.
- You don't remember?

Why can't you remember where
you put one little screwdriver?

Because that's not important.
So give me a break, okay?

Edward, I have told
you a thousand times...

that when you borrow my tools,
you put them back where they belong.

Okay, okay.

Son, you know better
than to misplace my tools.

Oh.

My dad misplaced
one of his tools once.

Boy, was he upset. Well, of
course, he's a brain surgeon...

so it's tough wondering which of your
patients has a clamp in his cranium.

Steve, this is a
family discussion.

And I'm darn
proud to be part of it.

Shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo.

Edward, I want to know
where my screwdriver is.

Dad, I don't know where it is.
Look, I'll buy you a new one.

Edward, I can do that myself.

Great. Thanks, Dad.

Hold it.

Edward, you are still
missing the point here.

What is the point?

The point is that this screwdriver
incident is just another example...

of your total lack of respect
for people and their property.

- It is?
- Yes, it is.

You start off by forgetting
screwdrivers, next thing you know...

you're dropping out
of school, can't get a

job and wind up wearing
a cardboard belt...

and selling your blood
for a bowl of soup.

What kind of soup?

What difference does that make?

Well, I don't know,
it's your story.

- I gotta get going.
- Wait, Edward, we are not through here.

But, Dad, I have to
get ready for my date.

No, you don't. You're grounded.

What?

Over a stupid screwdriver?

Son, it is not the screwdriver.

It is your attitude
that I don't like.

Well, maybe I don't
like your attitude.

Uh-oh.

All right, that's it.
Go to your room.

- Look, Dad, I'm...
- Go!

Uh, Carl, how about a little
transcendental meditation?

As the great Maharishi
Moskowitz once said...

Scram!

Uh, that's not exactly what
he said, but it's close enough.

- Eddie.
- Shh!

- Going someplace?
- Yes.

I'm taking Jolene
to the concert.

And your life in your hands.

Eddie, Dad grounded you.
If you leave, he'll k*ll you.

Laura, it'll be worth it to see
Jolene in her new miniskirt.

- Well, congratulations, Eddie.
- For what?

You'll be making the
license plate for your first car.

[EDDIE SIGHS]

Laura, thanks for your concern,
but as they say in France, sayonara.

Ha, ha. Uh, Dad. Hi.

Hi.

Hey, uh, you found
that screwdriver.

Yeah, well, actually,
Urkel found it.

He used his metal detector
and combed our backyard.

He found the screwdriver,
38 cents and a mood ring.

Great.

- So where were you?
- Uh...

I... I was in the garage
looking for the screwdriver.

Really? So is this your, uh,
screwdriver hunting outfit?

Well... Well, I...
Lipstick on the collar.

Edward, were you necking
with the weed whacker again?

Okay, Dad, I went to
the concert with Jolene.

[CARL CHUCKLES]

You, uh... Ha, ha. You
really like that girl, don't you?

- Ha, ha. I sure do.
- Yeah?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

I hope she was worth dying for.

- Look, Dad...
- No, you look.

Edward, I went up to
your room to apologize...

thinking maybe I
was too rough on you.

But judging from your behavior,
I haven't been rough enough.

Dad, you just don't understand. This
date was really important to me tonight.

I hope you enjoyed yourself...

because you're not gonna
have another one for a long time.

- You're grounded for one month.
- What? No way.

- Make that two months.
- What's going on in here?

Mom, Dad's acting
like a maniac again.

- Make that three months.
- Carl.

Edward, let me
tell you something...

as long as you live under my
roof, you will live by my rules.

Then maybe I should
find another roof.

Eddie.

So you're moving out?

- Well, yeah.
- Well, fine.

- Fine. Fine.
- Fine. Fine.

[BOTH SCOFF]

Is everything okay?

BOTH: Fine!

HARIETTE: Carl.
- Harriette, I don't wanna hear it.

Well, you're going to.

This thing has gotten
way out of hand.

We can't let Eddie move out.

- Where's Eddie going?
- Nowhere. Go back to bed.

Can I have his room?

Go.

Oh, guys, I feel terrible. This is all my
fault. I should never have asked you...

to put together
Richie's playhouse.

- It's my responsibility.
- Rachel...

I'm no good at that sort of
thing, but that's no excuse.

- We learn by doing.
- Rachel...

But I didn't do, and
now look what I've done.

You're mad at Eddie, Eddie's
mad at you, I'm mad at me.

I tell you, this is a mad house.

This whole family has
gone off the deep end.

Carl, we can't let
our son move out.

Harriette, I will not tolerate
outright disobedience.

Now, I don't ask much, but there's one
thing I do demand, and that's respect.

You know Eddie respects you.

Harriette, the boy
deliberately antagonizes me.

He knows everything
that gets my goat.

Carl, be fair.

Your goat's gotten old
and it's easier to get.

Oh, sure, take his side.

There are no sides
here. We're a family.

Please go up and talk
to Eddie and settle this.

Harriette, he is the
one who disobeyed.

He is the one who
wants to leave.

So he is the one who
has to come to me.

- Carl...
- Harriette, I have spoken.

Whatever you say, King Carl.

But if Prince Edward
leaves this kingdom...

you will be sleeping
on the royal couch.

Eddie, go back upstairs.

Mom, I'm leaving and
don't try and talk me out of it.

Oh? So where are you going?

Someplace where they
don't have any screwdrivers.

You know this fight's
not about screwdrivers.

- It's because you disobeyed your father.
- He didn't have to ground me.

That was excessive
punishment. Police brutality.

I don't want you to leave.

Don't worry, Mom. I'll be fine.

- So where will you sleep?
- I don't know.

- What'll you do for money?
- I don't know.

- Then how will you buy food?
- I don't know.

Well, at least you have a plan.

Well, Mom, anything is
better than staying here.

Edward, your
father's not that bad.

Oh, really? Why don't
you try living with him?

But Dad drives me crazy.

Did you ever stop to think
that maybe you drive him crazy?

Sure, take his side.

Eddie...

you know your father loves you.

Well, Mom, he sure
doesn't act like it.

No matter what I do,
it's never good enough.

He's always on my back. I
don't even think he likes me.

Wait here. I'll be right back.

- Harriette, what are you doing?
- Come, come, come. Come on.

Carl, sit down. Edward, you too.

- Mom... CARL: Harriette,
I'm not gonna stand...

Sit!

The reason you two don't get along
is because you're so much alike.

BOTH: No way.

Look at this.

The two most important men
in my life acting like big babies.

- Well, he started it.
- Uh-uh.

- Did too. Did.
- Didn't. Did not.

Now, listen up, you two.

Now, I wanna tell you a story.

- Mom, come on...
- Harriette, look...

[HARIETTE YELLS]

Now, this is a true story.

It happened 16 years
ago, on January 28, 1974.

My birthday?

Well, it wasn't supposed to be.

But you were as impatient
then as you are now.

We had just moved into this house,
and we hadn't finished unpacking.

It was 1:30 in the morning, in
the middle of a terrible snow storm.

CARL: All right.

Okay.

HARIETTE: Carl!

You're forgetting two things:
your wife and your pants.

Oh, my God. I'm sorry, honey.

Are you okay?

Oh, yeah, I'm just swell.

Come on, let's go
cut some lumber.

[CARL CHUCKLES]

Aah!

Carl, it's a wonder you ever
made a baby in the first place.

HARIETTE: Things
went from bad to worse.

We were completely snowed in.

The phones were dead and we
had no way to get to the hospital.

So we did what anyone
would do. We panicked.

[CARL PANTING]

Carl, relax.

Okay, relax. Relax.

Yeah, relax. Uh-huh.

- Now, you're a cop.
- I'm a cop.

- You're trained to handle these things.
- I'm trained. Mm-hm.

- Okay.
- I took a class once.

The baby was plastic.

I put him on the
radiator and he melted.

[BOTH YELL]

What happened?
Tell me what to do.

- Go boil some water.
- Good idea. I could use some coffee.

[HARIETTE YELLING]

Oh. Tea?

Cocoa?

Sweetheart, I'll drink
anything you want.

Carl. Carl, the baby's
coming. Hand me a pillow.

- Pillow. Pillow. Pillow.
- Hand me a pillow.

I can't find a pillow!

- Carl! Carl! Carl! Pillow! Pillow! Pillow!
- Pillow! Yes!

Harriette, you're
falling off the couch!

Get it together, babe!

All right. What else you
want me to do for you?

- Let's breathe. Let's breathe.
- Huh? Breathe.

- Breathe, Carl. Breathe.
- You're breathing. Okay.

We're breathing. Okay.

I love you, honey.

I love you too. But you're
never touching me again.

HARIETTE: Finally, the phone started
working again, and we called our doctor.

He skied right over,
just in time to be too late.

Carl, you did a great job.

Gee, thanks, doc.

Uh, your wife and your
son are doing just fine.

Thanks. Okay.

- Hello, Mom.
- Hello, Dad.

Would you like to hold your son?

Oh, yeah.

Hello, Edward. I'm your dad.

- Isn't he beautiful?
- Oh, yeah.

He looks just like you.

HARIETTE: I think
he looks more like you.

CARL: Yeah, he does.

Edward. My son.

[SIGHS]

What a wonderful word.

You know, I'm real
nervous right now.

I've never been a father before.

Then again, you've
never been a son before.

I tell you what,
we'll learn together.

I just wanna tell you...

I love you with all of my heart.

I'll never forget how
proud I am right now...

son.

Did you really say those things?

Well, ahem, something like that.

Dad, I'm sorry I disobeyed you.

I shouldn't have snuck out.

Well, I might have
overreacted. A little.

I can promise you one thing.

I'll never lose
another screwdriver.

You know, I remember once...

I used my father's hammer
to mix a can of paint.

At the time, he didn't think
that hammers should be purple.

Man, he grounded
me for one whole week.

Man, I thought he was
the world's biggest jerk.

Now look at me. I'm him.

Well, Dad, if it makes
you feel any better...

one day, I'll probably have a
kid who'll drive me crazy too.

I sure hope so.

[CARL CHUCKLES]

Dad...

I'd like to stay.

I would like that too, son.
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