02x16 - Do the Right Thing

[bunniefuu]

Richie Crawford.

I told you no candy
before dinner.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

Honey, now that
you're a big boy...

you're gonna have to learn
to listen to your conscience.

What's a con-shus?

Your conscience is a tiny
little voice inside your head...

that tells you when you're doing
something wrong. Understand?

I guess so. But what about
that even louder voice?

- Louder voice?
- Yeah. The one inside my tummy...

that says, "Give me candy."

Here's the sugar, sugar.

Wow, there's Todd Helms,
that new transfer student.

Isn't he gorgeous?

Well, he seems a mite tall.
Probably a pituitary problem.

Hi.

- Hi.
- I'm Todd Helms.

Oh, me, too.

Oh! I mean, I'm Laura Winslow.

I'm here to apply
for the waiter job.

It's filled.

Oh, no, it isn't.
Applications are over there.

Fill one out, then talk
to my Aunt Rachel.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Laura?

Laura?

Oh. Gee willikers, her
hormones are stampeding.

Mr. Sniplitsky?

Right this way.

How are you?

Have a seat.

Now, um, ahem...

Have you ever worked
in a restaurant before?

[IN THICK FOREIGN
ACCENT] You have a lovely hat.

Thank you.

I do try to look my best. It just
gives the place a sense of style.

Now, can you work weekends?

You have a lovely hat.

Mr. Sniplitsky...

- what is your name?
- You have a lovely hat.

I'm sorry, sir, but I need a waiter
who can talk to my customers.

Sir, I, I do hope
you understand.

Good luck in America.

You have a lovely hat.

Thank you.

Bye, now. Bye-bye.

Oh, watch that corner.

Bye-bye.

Attention, please.

If you want this job, you
have to speak English.

Yo.

I talk good English.

Okay.

- Your name is...
- Look...

I'll need weekends off,
a month's paid vacation...

and free food for
me and my friends.

Next.

[MOUTHING WORDS]

Laura, why are you
ogling that giraffe?

Steve, Todd happens to
be a great basketball player.

He led his old school to
the state championship.

Well, I was just reelected
equipment manager of the golf team.

Anybody needs a
putter, they come to me.

Welcome aboard.

Well, we have our new waiter.

Yes!

- I mean, congratulations.
- Thanks.

Wow.

I have a rival for Laura.

A tall rival.

Well, then, I'll just buy me
some stilts and win her back.

What's a three letter
word for pleasure?

Men.

What about fun?

They can be.

You will not believe what
happened to me today.

After lunch, I went
for a jog in the park.

Come on, Carl, you? Jog?

Actually, I was chasing
the ice-cream truck.

But as I jumped a hedge,
I saw something shiny.

Feast your eyes on this.

Ooh. Carl...

- are those diamonds real?
- Extremely.

- They must be worth thousands.
- Fifteen thousand, four hundred and fifty.

I had it appraised.

Ooo-wee!

It was just lying there,
not a soul around.

- So is it ours?
- Are you nuts?

We can't keep this.

You're right, Carl. I
know we can't keep it.

Yeah, we'll sell it.

Honey, with 15 grand we can take that
dream vacation we always talked about.

- Our Caribbean cruise?
- You got it, babe.

[SINGING] Won't you let
me take you on a sea cruise?

Forget about the cruise.

Diamonds are a
girl's best friend.

Now, Mother, there'll
be plenty leftover.

I'll buy you a prettier
bracelet, less ostentatious.

You mean cheaper.

Mama, let's not count our
diamonds before they're hocked.

I have to turn this in to the precinct. But
if no one claims it within thirty days...

- it's ours.
- Good. Uh-oh.

Here's an inscription...

"To My Precious Poopsie."

Well, that doesn't help.

This city is packed
with Poopsies.

Right. Let's look at
those cruise brochures.

- You still have them?
- Sure.

I've been filing them away
under "F" for "fat chance."

[SQUEALS]

Twenty three, twenty
four, twenty five.

Two.

I feel great.

Not me.

I've lost Laura.

Well, Steve, look on the
bright side. You never had her.

Thanks, but there's
a new wrinkle.

Well, what is it?

Well, you know Todd Helms.

Sure. Great ball player. Real
nice guy. Ha-ha. Babes love him...

A simple "I know the
dude" would have sufficed.

Well, what about him?

Well, he's flunking
geometry, which means

he'll get bounced off
the basketball team...

which means his pop will ground
him, which means no dates with Laura...

which is good for me, except
Todd asked me to tutor him.

Now, what do you
think of them apples?

What was that first thing again?

Think, man. Todd's my rival.

The only obstacle between
me and my lady love.

Steve, the only obstacle
between you and Laura is you.

Oy. I hold Todd's fate
in the palm of my hand.

Should I teach him to fly high,
or squash him like an insect?

Mom, what's the
capital of Belgium?

I'll give you a hint.

Which vegetable do
you hate the most?

The capital of
Belgium is broccoli?

Brussels, Judy... as
in brussels sprouts.

I'll let that all sink in
while I go play Nintendo.

Hello, babe.

Hi, honey.

Any calls today
about the bracelet?

- Not a one.
- Hah!

[BOTH LAUGH]

Although I am
sort of surprised...

I mean, what with that
big ad you put in the paper.

Carl, you did put in the ad?

Oh, sure. Full page.

You popped for a full page
ad in the Chicago Chronicle?

Well, not exactly.

What exactly?

It's a...

It's in the... Amish Almanac.

Harriette, I'm sorry but I really feel
that we've fulfilled our obligation here.

I mean, we turned the bracelet
in. Now it's up to Poopsie to claim it.

Carl... think about it.

Right now poor Poopsie is
probably crying her eyes out.

Harriette, believe me,
Poopsie is not poor.

Well, even so, we have
to try to find the owner.

Then, if nobody claims it,
you'll have a clear conscience.

Not like I did anything wrong.

My conscience is clear.

Is it really, Carl?

- Who are you?
- I'm your conscience.

And I'm not feeling very clear.

What do you mean?

You haven't really tried to find the
owner of that bracelet, have you, Carl?

Well, I...

Hey, Carl. Don't
listen to that wimp.

It's "finders keepers,
losers weepers."

He's got a point.

Yeah, and it's on his tail.

[MAKES SIZZLING SOUND]

[CACKLING]

Besides, you're a police officer.
It's your duty to help people.

He's got a point.

Yeah, on his head.

Carl...

- cheaters never prosper.
- Sure they do.

Look, wake up
and smell the sulfur.

You've worked hard and been
honest all your life and what's it got you?

A second mortgage and a
10-dollar-a-day donut habit.

Now just wait a minute, Bub.

Hey, that's
Beelzebub to you, bro.

Carl, ignore him.

He's naughty.

Hey, butt out.

Are you willing to trade your
self-respect for a Caribbean cruise?

Well...

[SINGING] Day-o

Day-o

[SINGING] Daylight come
and me want to go home

Oh, okay, that's enough.

I'm gonna try my best
to return the bracelet.

Way to go, Carl.

CHOIR [SINGING]:
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Hallelujah,
hallelujah Hallelujah

- Steve?
- Yeah?

Can I talk to you for
a second about Todd?

Gee, Todd this, Todd that.

I'm getting tired of hearing
about your hot Toddy.

Look, I know it's a lot to ask but I'd
really appreciate it if you'd tutor Todd.

Well, Laura, do you
realize what you're asking?

I'm jealous of Todd and
you want me to help him.

Why, you might as well
drop a boulder on my foot...

shove bamboo sh**t
under my fingernails...

scoop my eyeballs
out with a melon baller.

So, will you do it?

Well, I'll think about it.

Oh.

Gee, this is a toughie.

What in the devil am I gonna do?

You called?

Who are you?

I'm your dark side...

your underbelly,
your worst impulse.

[CHUCKLES]

In short, I'm your id, kid.

Well, what do you want?

Why, to help you out, buddy boy.

You've been overlooking the
perfect solution to your problem.

Oh, well, tell me more.

Promise to tutor Todd. Then, give
him all the wrong answers, yeah.

He'll be out of the picture and
then you'll get luscious Laura.

[CHUCKLES THEN SNORTS]

[HISSES]

Whoa, bad Urkel.

Is that the way you
want to win Laura?

Through treachery and deceit?

Well?

I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

If Laura finds out that you gave
Todd all the wrong answers...

why, she'll lose
all respect for you.

Oh, sure, like she
respects him now.

Hey.

Listen, Steve.

Look, I hate to keep bugging
you but I'm really desperate.

I'm gonna fail math
and you're my only hope.

Please tutor me.

Okay.

Okay, go get your books.

You're the best.

Well, you're gonna give him all
the wrong answers, aren't you?

No, I'm gonna give
him the right ones.

[ANGEL URKEL SIGHS]

CHOIR [SINGING]: Hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah

All ashore who's going ashore.

Get out your shuffleboard
sticks, ladies. We are shipping out.

Ooh. Carl, has it
been a month already?

Yes, and now it's all
ours free and clear.

Just think about it, babe.
You, me, moonlit deck.

- Starry skies, waves rushing by.
- Ha-ha.

Caribbean, here we come.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- May I help you?
- I hope so.

Are you the nice people
who found my diamonds?

[LAUGHS] No.

Mother Winslow.

Mother Winslow.

Hello.

The police gave me this address.
Do I have the wrong house?

No, you don't. Please come in.

Oh, thank you, my dear.

I'm Eunice Peavy.

I'm Harriette Winslow.

My husband, Carl, and
my mother-in-law, Estelle.

- Hello.
- Hello, how are you?

- Please have a seat.
- Thank you very much.

- Over here?
HARRIETTE: To the couch.

I would've been here sooner,
but I was on a Caribbean cruise.

Please, may I have my jewelry?

Well, excuse me, but perhaps
you'd like to describe it first.

Of course. It's pave
diamonds set in 18-carat gold.

Well, you're right so far.

Can you tell us what
the inscription says?

Certainly.

"To My Precious Poopsie."

This city is packed
with Poopsies.

Carl, give it up.

It's hers.

Here you go, ma'am.

Oh. Oh.

Carl, Carl.

Oh, I'm so happy.

Oh, it's so refreshing to discover there's
still good, honest people in this world.

How can I ever thank you?

- Oh, it's not necessary.
- No, really, nothing at all.

- Thank you.
- Perhaps a cash reward?

- Oh, money.
- Okay, that's good.

Here's 20 dollars.

- Twenty dollars?
- Don't argue, I insist.

Oh, well...

Ta-ta, and thank
you ever so much.

I can't begin to tell
you how grateful I am.

Ever since we lost this,
Poopsie hasn't eaten a bite.

Oh, excuse me. Excuse me.

I'm a little confused here.

Aren't you Poopsie?

Oh my, no.
Poopsie's my kitty cat.

[SOBBING]

Hi, Mrs. Urkel.

Oh. I'm sorry, Mr. Urkel.

Is Steve there?

Oh, no, don't bother him if
he's making pizza. He can just...

Hello?

Hi, Laura. I would've been here
sooner, but you caught me in midtwirl.

Steve, you didn't have to rush over.
I just wanted to tell you that Todd...

got a "B" in geometry,
thanks to your tutoring.

Oh, well, gee, that's swell.

I just hope you crazy kids
will be very happy together.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll
just head back to Urkel Hut...

and throw myself
on the cheese grater.

Steve, you don't have
to. Todd and I broke up.

Oh.

Well, that's a crying shame.

What happened?

Well...

Well, all he ever talks about is
basketball. I mean, he's obsessed.

The only song he knows
is "Sweet Georgia Brown."

Aha! So, you realized a strong mind
is more important than a tall body.

- Well...
- Which leaves the door wide open...

for yours truly, being 98 percent
brain, and 2 percent brawn.

- Steve...
- Oh, Laura, my love.

We're gonna be
so happy together.

Wanna go pick out
our china pattern?

Look, it's true I want a
guy with something upstairs.

But, I also want a
well-built staircase.

Oh, well, no problemo. I'll just
begin a rigorous training schedule.

Why, a few sessions on a muscle master,
and you'll be drooling over my deltoids.

[GRUNTS]

Laura?

- What, Steve?
- I hurt myself, can you carry me home?