02x19 - Busted

[bunniefuu]

"In most cases, an antifungal cream will
stop the athlete's foot from recurring.

Unless, of course, a secondary
yeast infection develops."

- The end.
- Read me another one, Uncle Steve.

Oh, I too, as a tyke, loved
Dr. Fink's Guide To Fungus.

Good lad.

- Hi, guys.
- Oh, howdy-doody, Judy.

- So you guys are hanging out together?
- Yeah, we're best buds.

Right-a-roonie.
Well, gotta dash.

I'm speaking at a protest
meeting. Save The Roaches.

Ew! Why do you wanna save
roaches? They're disgusting.

Judy, roaches are
just misunderstood.

In fact, roaches are
highly resourceful.

They can appear anywhere. Ooh.

[STEVE GASPS THEN JUDY SCREAMS]

Gotcha.

[LAUGHS THEN SNORTS]

[CHUCKLES]

[STEVE HUMMING AND SNORTING
M.C. HAMMER'S "U CAN'T TOUCH THIS"]

Well, my little daffodil,
how do you like your gift?

Uh...

Steve.

Why did you give me this...?

This... This.

Because I love you,
love you... Love you.

- Is Dad home?
- No.

- Is Mom home?
- Nope.

Okay, good. I have a
few more hours to live.

- Well, what's wrong, Eddo?
- I dented the car.

Oh, land sakes alive, man.

A few months ago you rammed
the car through the living room.

And now this.

How in Sam Hill did you
ever get your license?

Beats me.

Well, how much
damage did you do?

I got an estimate.
Eight hundred bucks.

How am I gonna get my
hands on that kind of cash?

- Why don't you just fess up?
- Why don't you just get real?

[SIGHS]

Fine, Eddie.

Do what you always do. Fall
into a hole and dig it deeper.

But don't be surprised when
it turns out to be your grave.

Here, put this on
your headstone.

Steve, Steve.

By any chance would you
happen to have some spare cash?

Well, gee, Eddo, if you had
only screwed up yesterday.

This morning I spent all my money
on a high-powered microscope.

I'm dying to see what I sneeze.

Well, can't you take it back?

Nope, once it leaves the
nose, it's gone for good.

Uh. No, uh, I
meant... Never mind.

Well, Eddo, if you're really
desperate for cash, you could always...

Nah.

What?

Well, I do know a quick
way you can make...

Nah.

What, Steve?

Well, have you ever
been to Mom's Bakery?

Yeah, they've
got k*ller cookies.

That's not all they've got.

Mom's Bakery is a front for
an illegal gambling casino.

Well, how do you
know all about this?

My Uncle Cecil used
to play roulette there.

Used to?

Did he lose all of his money?

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

He won too much.

You see, whereas most people lose at
gambling, we Urkels possess a sixth sense.

When it comes to games of
chance, we never ever lose.

- Let's go to that casino.
- Aah!

You can help me win the
money I need to fix the car.

Except for one big
problem. It's illegal.

Verboten, a no-no.

That's true, Steve.

But it's just that if we
did this together, we'd...

Nah.

What?

Well, guys who take risks together
usually end up becoming real good friends.

You know, hang out a lot.

Best buds?

Exactly.

But like you said, it's illegal.

Yes, this could be the first
step on a road to the life of crime.

Ah, what the heck.

- So you'll do it, buddy?
- Count me in, pal.

Ha, ha. Great, I'll pick
you up at 8 tonight.

I'll be ready, Eddie.

[GASPING]

[SNEEZES]

Oh, I gotta hurry
home and look at this.

[RACHEL SOBBING]

ESTELLE: How was the funeral?

Now, Rachel, calm down.

I'm sorry, Harriette.

- It's just so sad.
- I know, I know.

Aunt Clotilda was family.

She was our flesh and blood.

And now she's gone.

I really wish I had met her.

Me too, me too.

But, Rachel, remember,
Aunt Clotilda was 94 years old.

She lived a long, full life.

Well, how did she die?

Well, she was at the
senior citizen center...

and she collapsed while she
was leading a game of Simon Says.

[LAUGHING]

I'm sorry.

When the paramedics got there,
they thought 67 people had d*ed.

[CONTINUES SOBBING]

Rachel.

Excuse me. But what's this?

That's Aunt Clotilda.

She asked to be cremated and have
her ashes scattered over Lake Michigan.

So we're gonna rent a
boat and do it tonight.

She doesn't have
any other relatives?

Only an older sister.

But she popped a kneecap
during the Simon Says fiasco.

Oh, we'd better start
making the arrangements.

Mother Winslow, maybe you
can help Rachel with some tea.

- Mother Winslow.
- What, honey?

When you...

- When you...
- Bite the big one?

Right.

Would you rather be
buried or cremated?

Surprise me.

[SOBS]

Hi, I'm home.

Oh.

Mm.

Hey, what do have we
here? New candy jar?

[CHUCKLES]

Ooh.

- Hey, Dad.
- Oh! Oh, no.

- Now, look what you made me do.
- Sorry, Dad.

Oh, I got ashes all
over the new candy jar.

Oh.

Oh! And inside too.

[CROWD CHATTERING]

[KNOCKING]

- Yeah?
- Uh, we're here to gamble.

What's the password?

Oh, right.

Roses are red.

- Violets are blue.
- Sugar is sweet.

- But, as, as...
- Not, sweet, you.

[BUZZES]

- Thanks for the bear claw, Mom.
- Any time, sweetie.

Hey, you owe me a buck.

Steve, look at this place.

We might be in a little
over our heads here.

Yeah, maybe, but we're stuck.

- How come?
- Well, I forgot the password to get out.

Look, just pretend like we belong
here. Kind of like what I do in my house.

CARL: Do you really need a
cabin cruiser for three hours?

If all you're gonna do is complain about
how expensive this is, just stay home.

Oh, all right.

- You're gonna stop complaining?
- No, I'm gonna stay home.

I mean, you gotta go down to the
mortuary and pick up Aunt Mofloppy anyway.

I hate those places. They
give me the heebie-jeebies.

We don't have to go pick up
Aunt Clotilda. She's right here.

Wait a minute.

Isn't that a candy jar?

No, it's an urn.

An urn?

Yeah, Aunt Clotilda is in there.

What?

This is the urn they
put her ashes in.

Oh, no. Oh, damn.

- Oh, no.
- What's wrong?

It just hit me.

I suddenly realized how much
Aunt Clobubba meant to me.

Clotilda.

Clotilda, Clobubba,
the point is she's gone.

Really, really gone.

Uh... I've changed my mind.

I wanna go with you all.

I wanna pay my respects.

You ladies, go ahead.

I need a moment
alone with, uh... With...

With this.

[GRUNTING]

I'm sorry. Lord...

Lord, forgive me if I
come up a foot short.

Sorry.

Steve, it's been a half an hour.
We haven't played anything.

Well, actually, Eddie, I'm
just not quite sure what to do.

Wait a minute.

You told me that all Urkels possess a
sixth sense when it comes to gambling.

Oh, yes.

Although I never had an
opportunity to test that ability out.

But I'm sure it's just a
matter of time until it kicks in.

- How long?
- It just kicked in.

Oh.

Focusing energy.

Nah, nothing.

Nothing.

Whoa, mama.

Eddie, I think this is the one.

Feed this baby.

[RINGS]

Ha-ha-ha. Steve,
we hit the jackpot.

Ah! A guy could
get used to this.

[CHANTING] Mama's in
the parlor, Daddy's in the den

Little Baby Susan
is spitting up again

The dog's at the vet
The kitty's up a tree

Me and my hamster
Are playing Monopoly

Grandma's in the attic

Grandma's in the den
Gotta make the money

ALL: sh**t.

sh**ting.

MAN: Seven! Winner!

EDDIE: All right, baby!

[CROWD CHEERS]

Yeah, I knew you
could do it, Steve.

Uh, it's your bet, sir.

Let it ride.

[CROWD CHEERS]

CROWD: Steve! Steve! Steve!

Steve! Steve! Steve!

- Four! Winner! ALL: Yeah!

Thank you.

No, thank you.

Steve. Steve, relax.

Excuse me, sir. How
much have we won?

Thirty-two grand.

[CROWD GASPS]

- Thanks.
- Thanks.

Yeah.

Yeah, thirty-two
grand. Ha-ha-ha.

- Now, where were we?
- Uh, it's still your bet, sir.

Let her ride.

[ALL CHEER]

He's kidding, we're going home.

Eddie, relax.

For the last time, absolutely nothing,
and I mean nothing, can stop us now.

Freeze. This is a raid.

Except that.

Rachel, try to control yourself.

I will, I will.

It's over now, Rach.
Aunt Clotilda's at peace.

I know, I know.

Uh, Harriette, can I speak
to you for a moment? Alone.

What is it, Carl?

Well, I have a...

I got a little
confession to make.

- Maybe you'd better sit down for this one.
- What have you done this time?

[CHUCKLING]

Harriette.

Darling, sweetheart,
honeybunch. Ha-ha-ha.

- Spit it out, Carl.
- Okay, here goes.

Well, we didn't really spread your
aunt's ashes over Lake Michigan tonight.

Carl, I was there, I saw it.

Well, I know, I know.

Uh, we spread some ashes.

Uh, but they weren't your Aunt
Clotilda's, at least not all of them.

Well, then whose
ashes were they?

Aunt Presto log's.

Well, we... We...

We may have floated
parts of Aunt Clotilda.

But which part? Well, only
the good Lord can sift that out.

Well, where's the rest of her?

Right over there
in that hefty bag.

[WHIMPERS]

Harriette, it was
all a crazy accident.

I feel terrible about it.

Uh, I wanna make it up to you.

- How?
- Well...

I know, I'll pop for
another hour's boat rental...

and we'll all go out and throw
the bag over, huh? Sounds good?

[PHONE RINGING]

Oh, I'll get that.
You've had a rough day.

Not as rough as Aunt Clotilda.

Hello? Edward.

Sure, I got a moment. What's up?

You're where?

Carl, what's wrong?

Edward is in jail.

- What happened?
- He and Steve got busted for gambling.

CARL: Now, Edward, stop
looking around for Steve.

He's having the same
discussion with his father.

Now, let me get this straight.

You dented the car.

Then instead of admitting it, you
got yourself involved in gambling.

Does that about cover it?

Yes, sir.

Sit down, Edward.

Edward Arthur Winslow.

Son, I am ashamed of you.

Don't you know that when you
make a mistake, you fess up to it?

Trying to cover it up
only makes things worse.

Yes, sir.

But apparently, you seem to wanna
learn these things the hard way.

Well, so be it.

You're grounded for three weeks.

And you are to stay away from
my car until it learns self-defense.

Okay, hit the sack.

Well, that's taken care of.

[CARL CLEARS THROAT]

Now, let me get this straight.

[HARRIETTE CLEARS THROAT]

You dumped one of my
relatives in a hefty bag.

Then instead of admitting it, you
let us spread a log on Lake Michigan.

- Does that about cover it?
- Yes, ma'am.

Sit down, Carl.

[SIGHS]

Carl.

Carl Otis Winslow,
I'm ashamed of you.

When you make a
mistake, fess up to it.

Trying to cover up only
makes things worse.

Yes, ma'am.

But apparently, you seem to wanna
learn these things the hard way.

So be it.

You're taking me to
dinner to Chez Josephine's.

- Yes, ma'am.
- Okay.

- Let's hit the sack.
- Yes, ma'am.