08x03 - Body Heat

[bunniefuu]

- It's so cold in here!
- Leave it.

I finally got it
the way I like it.

- You poor thing.
Menopause sucks.

- What do you think?

- Turn around.

Super hot!

- I can't believe I fit into
Scarlett Johansson's dress.

Can I wear this to an interview?

- Hmm, try Scarlett
Johansson's dress

with Blake Lively's jacket.

Yes.

- These people just let
you borrow their clothes?

- Yeah, it's part of my
house-sitting agreement

with them.

It's actually the unspoken
part of the agreement.

Until I get caught.

Then there will be
a lot of speaking.

- So we like it with the jacket?

- Here, here, um, try
Scarlett Johansson's dress

with Blake Lively's jacket
and Sandra Bullock's belt.

- Good?
- Yeah, perfect.

Young, modern professional.

I don't understand why you
wanna go back to work now.

- No, I just feel like
I need something.

A new purpose.

- Your kid's out of the house.

You should be rock
climbing and drinking tequila.

Not necessarily at the
same time, but well...

- Oh, my God.
- What?

- Frigging hot flash.
- Hey, do not sweat.

- Like I have a say in that.

- Oh, no. You cannot
sweat in this stuff.

Take off Blake's jacket!

- Okay, go to the
kitchen. Go to the kitchen.

Oh!

You know, I think when
we give him a name,

it's gonna be so helpful.

- I don't wanna rush it.

- Wow, look how nice you look.

- Lisa stole me
clothes for my interview.

- Really?

Do you happen to
bring a men's parka?

It's freezing!

- Don't touch it.
- Okay, okay.

Sweetie, I know you don't
want me to suggest Mark again.

- I really don't.
- Okay.

So the fact that he's a
distinguished OB-GYN...

- Babe.
- And... and our dear friend...

- Babe.
- Okay, I'm just... I just...

I'm trying to help. I
want you to feel better.

- Really, Paul?
- Hmm?

- Is it about wanting
my sister to feel better,

or is about wanting
to climb on top of her

for a little bow chicka wow wow?

Okay, none of my business.
- Thank you.

- I just know from
certain sources

that it's been awhile
for the two of you.

- How did...
- She asked, it came up.

- I see.

- Honey, you know that
I want to want to, right?

If it weren't for the fact
that I so don't want to,

but if I wanted to, I
would want to with you.

- Oh, well, that's
so sweet to hear.

- I think it's adorable
you two still even try.

[phone rings]

- Hey, bunny face.

Yes, I called earlier

to confirm tonight's
: at Ira's.

Zero.

You can bring zero people,

'cause it's our
first family dinner

since you started school.

Emphasis, family.

Yes, I love you.
I'll see you then.

Family dinner?

Hello? Am I not family?

- Yes.
- Do you wanna come?

- Thanks. Can't.

I have to feed
Anderson Cooper's fish,

and then Shia LaBeouf's
snake is shedding.

Somebody's gotta clean that up.

- Shia LaBeouf. Dog's name.

Huh? Here, Shia LaBeouf.

Hey, Shia LaBeouf.

- We'll get it.
- We'll get it.

[easygoing music]

♪

- ♪ Tell me why

♪ I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who

♪ Can stop my heart
as much as you ♪

♪ If we take each
other's hands ♪

♪ We can fly into
the final frontier ♪

♪ I'm mad about you,
baby - ♪ Final frontier

- ♪ I'm mad about you,
baby - ♪ Final frontier

- ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

- ♪ Final frontier

- There you go.

Hey, where'd he go?

What... what did you do?
- Nothing.

- Did you scare him away?
- He went to the bathroom.

And why would you
think I'd scare him away?

- Because I know you, with
your snippy little remarks

and your attitude.

- I'm not snippy.

- Listen, this guy is
the hottest filmmaker

there is right now, okay?

And if his regular editor
wasn't home throwing up,

you would never get
an opportunity like this.

- No need to be snippy.

- All I'm saying
is, be professional

and don't fawn over him.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Okay.
- Lucas Cooper.

There you go, buddy.
There's your new chair.

- Great. Thank you.
- All right.

Yeah, sorry about that one.

I've been meaning
to replace all of them

for a while, but...
- Oh, yeah, no worries, man.

- Okay, you got
everything you need?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- Okay, so I just
want to watch...

- Anything else comes
up, whatever you need,

let me know. Here to help.

- Cool.

All right, so if you could just
bring it back to the part wh...

- I gotta say... I'm
sorry. You know what?

I've been trying to play it cool

since you got here,

but I gotta say, I'm a huge fan.

Loved your film.

- Ah, thank you,
man. I appreciate that.

- Yeah. For a first film,

it's fantastic.

And look at you now.
Your second movie,

a big studio production. Hee!

Pretty... pretty nice to be
you, I would imagine, huh?

- It's not terrible.

You're a filmmaker
yourself, right?

- Used to be.

Swear to God, as soon
as it came out of my mouth,

I already felt bad.

- Yeah.

- Run it from the top?

- Yeah. You know what?

I was gonna make
a couple changes,

but I think we're good. Send it.

- For real?
- Yeah.

It's perfect. Send
it to the studio.

Unless you wanna take a look.

Wanna see what a
perfect film looks like?

- I-I don't want to
overstay my welcome.

- Oh, no. Pull up a chair.

- I c... you know
what? I'll stand.

- Okay.

- Hello.

Thank you for meeting
with me, Ms. Martin.

- Oh, Meg. Please, take a seat.

I looked for you on LinkedIn.

- Oh, no.

I'm not on that, but I
brought you a résumé,

analog style.

- Not to worry.

You're an autumn hire.
We like placing those.

- Well, it's autumn.

Isn't everyone an
autumn hire right now?

- [laughs]

No, autumn as in...

- Ah. Old.

Got it.

- Seasoned.
- Yes.

- Let's see.

You worked in PR,

you had a stint in
the mayor's office,

and then, oh, wow,

earned an MSW master's degree.

- Yes, but I never got
my counseling hours.

Um, I decided to stay
home and raise my daughter.

She just started college.
- Are you okay?

- I'm so good. Can
you open a window?

- I'm sorry. They don't open.

- Of course they don't.
[laughs]

- So we're dealing with a
-year employment gap.

- Well, as I said, I
chose to stay home and...

- No worry.

We'll find a way to frame it.

- Maybe frame it as
raising a human being.

- Are you sure
you're feeling okay?

- I'm fine.

You know Scarlett Johansson?

She, um... Doesn't matter.

- Okay.

So Jamie, why don't we talk

about where you see
yourself in the near future?

- Ideally, Alaska.

[laughs]

'Cause it's colder.

Look at you,

how young and dry you are.

- If you're not feeling well,

perhaps we should
reschedule for a better day.

- There's no better
day. This is every day.

- Listen, I apologize if I...

- You didn't do
anything. I'm gonna go.

You were perfectly lovely,

sitting there in your...

plump, elastic skin,

with your estrogen keeping you
nice and cozy in your sweater,

but trust me, it's
coming for you.

Help.
- Sit.

Now, in terms of easing
menopause symptoms,

the first thing we
usually like to do

is try some hormone replacement.

- I don't like the risks.

- I understand.

Diet and exercise help.

What kind of
exercise you getting?

- Crying and sweating.

- How's your libido?

Copy that.

Well, the good news is,

is that this doesn't
last forever.

Seven, ten years, tops.

Eh, sometimes for longer.

- There has to be something.

- Not really.

Well, hold on.

- What?

- Well, there is
something we can try.

It's just, I don't know
whether I'm allowed to share.

- Please share.

- Ah, what the hell?

I got my hands on this
cream from Canada.

Now, it's still
undergoing trials,

but they've been reporting
some very positive results:

improved sleep, more
appetite, better libido,

It's all natural. Has
a lovely maple scent.

- I want it.

- Oh, okay. It has
some side effects:

nausea, headaches,
suicidal thoughts...

- I've already got all
those. Give it to me.

- No, no, not there.

Inside the elbow.

Small, dime-sized bit.

Once every hours, no more.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

But if anybody
from Ottawa calls,

you don't know me.

- Hmm.

- You know what I'm thinking?
- What?

- I'm thinking about where I'm
gonna put my Academy Award!

- [laughs]
- That there

is a thing of beauty.

You send that to the
studio right now, baby.

Perfect, right?
- It's really good.

- Send it.

- Can I say... [stammers]

Can I... can I
offer one thought?

- Dear God.

- Go ahead.

- I know the payoff hinges
on the scene in the park,

but the way you have it
now, kind of drags, right?

But if you cut it up,
cut it in little pieces,

and then you scatter those
throughout the whole movie,

then I think it has
more of an impact.

Maybe. I don't know.

Just a thought.

- No, man. This...
this totally works.

- Yes, it does.
- Yeah.

- Course it does. You're right.

- Should I hit send?

- Well, mm... no.

No, he's right. It drags.

It totally drags.
I-I'm an idiot.

We... we gotta
recut the whole thing.

Thank you, brother.
Thank you so much.

- Yeah.
[venomously] Thanks.

- Yeah.

We're gonna be here all day,

all... all night,
all week, maybe.

Oh, damn.

I forgot I had that
NYU thing tomorrow.

- Huh?

My... my daughter goes to NYU.

- Why do I say
yes to these things?

- What's the...
What are you doing?

- I have to speak to some

"language of film"
class or something.

- That's... I think that's
my daughter's class.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Great. Why don't you do it?

- [laughs] What?

I'll stand there instead of you?

- Yeah, yeah!
- I don't think so.

- You can screen
one of your films.

I'll say it was a
scheduling conflict,

and in my place, I'm sending
in an esteemed colleague...

Tell me your name again.

- Paul Buchman.
- Paul Buchman,

whose documentary work has
had a profound influence on me.

Huh?
- Like you've seen my films?

- No, but they don't know that.

- I-I...
- Come on.

You'd be doing me
a really big favor.

- I don't know. That's
a... I don't know.

Can I think about it?

- What, you got
more chairs to fix?

It's like a sickness
with me. I see it.

- Is it working?

- What?

- Your... your magic cream.
Do you feel anything yet?

Okay, sorry. Understood.

It's just, let's stay positive,

'cause, you know,
if it does work,

eating and sleeping
and not overheating

and, you know... [quietly] sex,

all positive things.

Ooh, you smell good.
What is that, maple?

- I honestly don't
feel anything yet.

Pass the bread, please.

- I'm late.
- There she is.

Hey, hey.
- I had to un-invite

all the people you
wouldn't let me bring.

- Oh.

- What smells like pancakes?

- Okay, family dinner.

All here, so...

Just so you know,
Lucia and I are having

a little recipe
competition tonight.

So first course:

Melanzane alla parmigiana.

Two versions: her
way and my way.

And that's... you
know, it's not to say

that one is better
than the other, but...

yeah, tell me
which one is better.

Mangia.

- Well, here's
something for you.

Guess who's gonna
be guest speaker

in your class tomorrow.

- Lucas Cooper, yeah,

but I heard he canceled.

- Right.

Guess who's taking his place.

- What are you...

What do you mean, taking his...

- Mm-hmm.

- I don't... what?

- He happens to be
cutting his new film

at our lovely facility.

We got to chatting, and yeah,

he asked me to stand in for him,

show one of my films.

- In my class?
- Yeah.

- You're gonna come...

You're gonna come
speak to my class?

- Yeah.

- You in my class.

- Well...

- I hope you told him no!

- Well, I-I anticipated
you might feel that way...

- Uh, yeah!

- So if you don't
want me to do it...

- I don't.
- All you gotta do is say so.

- It is... it's literally,
like, the worst idea ever.

- Again, I'm saying,
it's totally up to you.

- Okay, look at me.

I don't want you to do this.

Please.

- Okay. Glad I asked.

I appreciate the honesty.

- Well, I appreciate
the understanding.

Gotta wash my hands.

- What?

- You already said
yes, didn't you?

- I may have, yes.

- And now, we have
two interpretations

of fettucine ai funghi porcini.

Okay, first course, which
one did you like better?

And be honest.

Nobody's gonna be insulted here.

We're professionals.

- That one.
- That's what I was gonna say.

- Yah!
- Ah!

[laughs]

- Gotta say, he's taking
the loss pretty well.

- Yeah. So the class?

- Ah, I'll just get
out of it. It's okay.

I thought it might
be fun, but, uh, yeah,

she was pretty clear
about not wanting me there.

So... why do I have
no napkin here?

- I can't believe Dad would
even consider doing this.

- Mm.
- What?

Oh, just say it.

You want me to let Dad
come speak to my class.

You think I should let him come,

don't you, because it
would make him feel good,

and it would be good
for him to do it, right?

- Mm. Mm...

- Okay, fine, you win.

Just stop yelling at me.

- All righty.

- Uh, so Dad...
- Yes?

Never mind what I said before.

I was... I was being horrible.

Of course you can
come speak to my class.

- Really? Are you sure?

- With one condition.

- Don't blow raspberries
on your belly and say,

"Who's my little stinky?"

- Okay, listen to me.

No one can know we're related,

because that would be
really uncomfortable for me.

- Sure.
- I'm serious.

Once you're in that room,

I don't know you,

you don't know me. Agreed?

- Y-yeah.
- No, say it.

- What, gotta take a vow? Okay.

Yes, uh, no one will know
we're related, I promise.

I promise, yes.

- Okay.

- Man, my little
stinky's so strict.

- Why do I have no napkin?

- I don't know.

Thank you, by the way.

- For what?

- Whatever you said to Mabel.

- I didn't say one thing.

- Okay, the pasta.

Which one do you
like better? And again,

there are no wrong answers here.

- I like this.
- That one.

- Yah!
- Oh.

Bravo.

- So apparently there are
no losers in this competition.

Hey, maybe that
cream is working.

Look, your appetite is back.
- Yeah.

- Maybe some other
appetites will be coming back.

- Don't go crazy.
You done with that?

Yeah, Mark, I don't
think it's working.

- The appetite? Nothing
with the appetite?

- I'm slightly hungrier,
but that's about it.

- That's surprising.

All right, what about the sleep?

- Nope.
[doorbell rings]

- Hey, nothing in the
libido department, huh?

- Nothing so far.
I'll let you know.

Thanks again.

- Hey, emergency. I
need the clothes back.

Blake's coming home a day early,

and Scarlett's
back tomorrow, so...

How'd the interview go?

- Great. I lost four pounds.

- Oh, no. Scarlett's dress.

Sweat stains. Huge sweat stains.

Did you sweat?
Because I specifically...

I told you not to sweat.
- I know.

I'll get it dry cleaned.
- No, there's no time.

Ugh, it's all sweaty
and... [sniffs]

Did you rub this in pancakes?

- Okay, okay, go to the couch.

Go to the couch.

I think a name's
gonna be so helpful.

- Your wife has jeopardized

my impeccable
house-sitting reputation.

Now my clients are gonna realize

that I steal from them.
- Well...

- Thanks for the clothes.

You're the best
sister in the world.

Let's coffee soon.
Good luck with the snake.

I love you. Bye-bye.

- Wait!

- What's going on?

Oh.

Canada?

Mm.

- Mm!

So sorry. I have to pee.

I'll meet you in there.

- Okay.

I shall await you
in our marital bed.

Oh, I'm so excited about this.

I don't even know h...
I'm so very happy, honey.

And by the way, you know,
it's been a while, so, uh,

I'm not guaranteeing anything
in the quality control area,

but, you know, we can
always go again after.

Although at my age,
my refractory period

is, like, / months,
so don't worry,

you're gonna have plenty of time

to get ready for round two.

But it'll be good.
This is very exciting.

Honey?

Sweetie? Honey?

- I know, I know.

We just have to
figure out the timing.

It seems like the
horny is a short window

between the hungry
and the sleepy.

- Yeah, okay. So yesterday,

when did you first
apply the cream?

- At Mark's, just after : .

- Okay, : . And then?

- And then I was
starving from : till : ,

and then I jumped on you.

- Okay.

So that's seven hours.

Okay, and... and did you put
on the cream already today?

- : .
- : .

Okay, so by my calculations,

the window will next be open

at exactly : today,

and I just did that in
my head, by the way.

- Where will you be at : ?

- Oh, I'm gonna be right here.
- Perfect.

- Yes. And you know what?

If you could be
here at that time, too,

that would be super.

- Well, we're sorry Mr. Cooper

wasn't able to join us,

but we're certainly
glad to have you here.

- Thank you.
- He spoke very highly of you.

Are you and he working
on anything together?

- Uh, well, yeah, he's
cutting his new film,

so I'm helping
him out with that,

and I fixed his chair.

- I think you'll
find our students

are really quite engaged.

[cell phone buzzes]
- Oh, I'm s...

- I'm sure they'll have a
lot to say about your film,

uh, "The Last Viennese
Baker in New York."

- Yeah, fascinating
older gentleman.

He's... he's a...

Wow. Get... I get a spasm.

I got a rotator
cuff, and it's just...

a lot. Sorry, I didn't...

- You the guy they sent instead?

- Ah, I am, yes.

Hope you won't
be too disappoint...

[cell phone buzzes] Excuse me.

One second.
- Sure.

- Uh, yeah. Hi,
honey, what's up?

Everything okay?

- I just thought
you'd like to know

the window is now open.

- So close it. What
do you want from me?

- [emphatically] The window.

- Oh, the window.

Do... now? No, no,
no, are you sure?

No, that's not
supposed to be open

for another two hours.

- Well, I don't know
what to tell you,

and as much as
I'd like it to be you,

doesn't have to be.

I can make a few calls.

- I... hang on.
I'll be right there.

Um...

I have to run out
for a quick thing.

- But we're just about to start.

- No, please, start the
film. I've seen it many times,

um, and it's good.

Uh, I... I just gotta run home.

It's five blocks
away, and I'll be back

in plenty of time for the
Q&A afterwards, okay?

- Okay, but if...
- This won't take long.

Trust me.

Okay, I'm home!

I'm here!

Ready for the window treatment!

[sighs]

- Okay, well,

"The Last Viennese
Baker in New York."

Let's hear your
comments and thoughts.

- Okay, yeah, um,

I couldn't help but notice

there were no women in the film.

- Uh, that's not untrue.

Well, 'cause it was... It
was about that one guy,

who... and that guy was a guy.

So yeah, I can't control that.

Yes?

- But aren't we
viewing his world

through your lens?

- That's true, yes.
Very... very good.

Um, but you always
have to put it in the context,

you know, of the subject,

so that bakery in
that place in that time.

- But don't we, as men, have
to stop making the excuse,

"Well, that was
the culture then"?

I, um... I don't know that
I was making an excuse.

I don't feel...
- What about the women

in his world? The guy's mother?

- His mother? Uh,
well, he was ,

so the mother, I'm
guessing... Dead.

- Or his wife or sister.

- Uh, well, I
don't... I don't...

- I mean, there
had to be a woman

somewhere in the kitchen.

[all murmuring agreement]

- Hey, can we... Can
we let the guy talk?

- Thank you, honey.

- Whoa. Did you
just call her honey?

- No, not in the
way that you think.

No, she's my...

- She's your what?

Your adorable
five-year-old niece?

- No, she's my... shi smai.

[clears throat] Shi smai is a...

Anybody speak
Mandarin? Uh, good.

Uh, uh, shi smai. It's
a... it's a colloquialism

the Chin... uh, Mandarin.

Uh, they use...
they use it to negate

the phrase
immediately preceding,

like, you know,
in English, we say,

"Nice hat... not"?

Right? So the "not" would negate

the compliment of the hat.

So I'm saying "Honey, shi smai."

Not? Right?

So it's like, "Not honey."

Not honey.

- Yeah, I'm gonna
call bullshit on that.

- Yeah.

- Why not call it like it is?

You're just another
misogynist who doesn't get it.

Uh, believe me.

I'm not a misogynist.
No, the truth is...

Uh, the truth is, yes,
I am a misogynist,

and, uh,

I'll tell you something else.

Frankly, I think
a lot of you gals

would be a lot
prettier if you smiled.

Okay? [all groaning]

Just, you know...

Okay.

[frustrated exhalation]

Oh, hello.

- Hey. How'd it
go with the class?

- Well, interesting
you would ask that.

Let's see, uh... let's
see if this doesn't paint

a picture for you.

- Hey, it's Lucas Cooper.

What'd you do, man? I
heard you blew up the room,

and not in a good way. Call me.

- Oh, my God. What happened?

- [laughs] You don't
even wanna know.

- Was Mabel just mortified?

- She's fine, she's
fine. She's clean.

As far as anybody
knows, I am just

an unredeemable pig of a guy.

But our vow of
anonymity was upheld.

- You're a very nice
father and a very nice man.

- Just so I'm clear,
is this the cream?

- Mm, I'm not sure.

- Wait a second.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Is this a pity thing?

- No.

Maybe. What do we care?

- I don't care.

Mm, and you're not
getting sleepy yet.

- Nope.
- So this is on.

- This is on, baby.
- This is on.

- Hello!

- And it's off, okay.
- Hi, sweetie!

- Ah.
- I brought Thai food,

because Dad did a
very nice thing today.

- Yes, I did. Yes,
that's so sweet

and thoughtful
of you to do that.

You know what, though,
we are sadly out of?

Beverages.

We have no beverages,
which would go so great

with the Thai food, so
would you be an angel

and run down to the
s... Don't run, actually.

Take your time,
nice and safe, right?

Better safe than sorry.
- Actually, you know what?

I think I'm gonna go
lie down for a minute.

- No, no, no! No, no, no!

Honey, what about
the pity? We got pity!

- We always will have pity,

and the cream
just knocks me out.

- Ah.

- You know,

you'd be a lot
prettier if you smiled.

- A recall?

You're kidding. Why?

Six women?

We talking peach
fuzz or a full beard?

Trace amounts of cocaine?

Holy Malloy.

No, no, I haven't
given it to anybody.

Yeah, my pleasure.
Uh, thank you for calling.

Jamie?

Funny thing...