08x04 - The Toothpick

[bunniefuu]

- Unbelievable.

- Why would you do that?
- Sorry.

- What happened? What did I do?

- It was right there in
front of me the whole time.

I can't believe I didn't see it.

- Okay, just to be clear,
you not seeing whatever

you didn't see, that
wasn't my fault, right?

- I figured out what I'm
gonna do with my life.

- Okay.

- I just talked to Tonya.

I'm gonna get my
hours at her practice.

- Help me?

- I have my Master's.

- Yes, your SML... SMS... FFMS?

- MSW. Masters in Social Work.

- I was so close, yes.

- I have the degree,
but do you remember

why I never got
my patient hours?

- Remind me.

- Because to be a
licensed therapist,

you need , hours
of supervised counseling.

- Which seems excessive.

- Exactly, so I mentioned
that to Tonya and she said,

"Why don't you let
me supervise you?"

How great is that? To
be supervised by my friend

who also happens
to be a brilliant shrink.

- Oh, that is genius.

- I have been spinning around
in circles about my next move,

and this was staring me
in the face the whole time.

I can't believe I
didn't think of it.

- Oh, that's fantastic, honey.

- Why didn't you think of it?
- There it is.

[easygoing music]

♪

- ♪ Tell me why

♪ I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who

♪ Can stop my heart
as much as you ♪

♪ If we take each
other's hands ♪

♪ We can fly into
the final frontier ♪

♪ I'm mad about you, baby

- ♪ Final frontier

- ♪ I'm mad about you,
baby - ♪ Final frontier

- ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

- ♪ Final frontier

- Hey, riddle me this.

Everywhere you go,
they're selling matcha.

People are drinking matcha,
they're eating matcha...

I don't know what matcha is.
Nobody knows what matcha is!

- It's green tea.

- Okay.

So what's going on
here? What are you doing?

- I'm digitizing
all the scrapbooks

I put together for Mabel.

- Why?

- So she'll have them.
Once I'm busy with work,

I'm not gonna
have time to do it.

I've been meaning
to get to this forever.

- I think it's so cute

that you think she's gonna
actually want any of these.

- Of course she will.

- Have you met our daughter?
She's not a sentimental person.

And she hates seeing
pictures of herself.

- It's not just pictures.
There's also...

- You saved her teeth?

- Yes and her hair
from her first haircut

and her tiny toenails.

- Well, this is great,
in case you ever have

to build her again from scratch.

- Everybody saves
their kid's teeth.

All right, this is all of them.

So I've got zero to two,

two to four, nine,
all the way up to...

[doorbell rings] Wait a minute.

What happened to through ?

- You know what, as I recall,
those were not great years.

Maybe you threw it out.

[doorbell rings]

- Sfogliatelle!

- Same to you.
- [laughs]

Sfogliatelle, wait
till you taste this.

- Buongiorno.
- Buongiorno.

- This woman never made
pastries before in her life.

First attempt.
James, look at this.

Is this not a thing of beauty?

- [speaking Italian]

- No, no, no, no.
English, English.

Come on, we've gotta practice.

- He so embarrass me.

Everything I do is "most best."

[laughter]
- No, "is best."

- Si.
- [laughs]

Something is the best
or you like it the most.

We don't say "most best."

- This is what I
say. "Most best."

- These are beautiful.

- Okay, no kidding.
That's the most best.

- Do you guys want some coffee?

- Yeah, sure.
- No, grazie.

Is okay. You stay,

I go to restaurant, open up.

- All right, you know
what? I'll walk out with you.

- Hey, hey, come here.

Both: Mmm.

- You're gonna see
her in like a half an hour!

- Good-bye, my love.

Time will crawl
until I see you again.

- Oh, boy, you guys
must miss a lot of buses.

- What? How do you
two say good-bye?

- Watch. Bye, babe.

- See ya.

- ♪ Oh, Lucia

♪ Oh, Lucia, Lucia, Lucia ♪

- Oh, boy oh boy. You
two are great together.

- James, I know.

I don't even know
what to do with myself.

You know, I think I may
have to marry this woman!

- For real?
- Yes!

No, no. I don't know.

You know, after Marianne,
I swore that I would

never marry again, but
now it's like I am dizzy.

It's like I don't know what
to do with all this love.

James, I can't stop
thinking about marriage.

It's like some horrible
magnet pulling me in.

- That's just what they say.
Marriage is a horrible magnet.

Listen, you did
not ask my advice...

- No, no, no, no. I am.

- You seem a little ambivalent.

I think you should take a
minute and think about it.

This is not a decision that
should be made impulsively.

- Yeah... yeah. You're right.

James, this is why you're
gonna be a great therapist.

You're smart, level-headed...

you are the sanest
person that I know.

What are these, teeth?

[knocking]

- Hey, how's it going?

Hi. Yasmeen?

- Oh, God, I'm still here.

- What's going on?
Where's... where's Lucas?

- Possibly out in the
street banging his head

against a wall,
wondering why he listened

to your stupid note that
blew up his whole movie.

Or maybe the bathroom.

- You know what, I
find it hard to believe

that my one little suggestion...

- Ruined the
movie? Yeah, it did.

And the guy who
made it. You happy?

You took America's hottest
director and you broke him.

- Well, I certainly
didn't mean to...

- Okay, let's get
back to... oh... you.

- I just came in to apologize.

- Okay.

- If I caused any trouble
with the one little suggestion

I made, which I was
reluctant to share,

if you recall, I
truly apologize.

- Got it.

- Can we get back
to work, please?

I have to get home
and feed my cat.

Or bury my cat.

- Okay, show me.

- And I want you
to follow orders.

Close the damn airlock!

- Okay, that's good. Next.

- What are you... what are
you doing... what is that?

- It's a chess clock.

It accelerates the
decision-making process

and ends a lot of disagreements.

- And here's this
one, I trimmed it up.

[g*nf*re]

- No, go back to the way it was.

- You sure?
- Definitely.

What's next?

- Okay, that's really...

That's so smart.
That's really cool.

- I can't say anything
because he's my boss,

but you should
tell him to leave.

- Please leave.

- I sense it's not coming from
you, but okay, yes, I'll leave.

- Hold on. Tomorrow
morning, : sharp.

I got the big studio
muckety-mucks coming,

so I'm gonna need you...

- You want me to
sit in and watch you?

- No, God no!
- Are you insane?

- Okay, why is
everybody yelling?

- I need everything to
go % smoothly, okay?

Make sure the place is
clean, pay your electrical bill,

make sure there's coffee and
Danish... nothing can go wrong.

- You got it.
- Okay... and open up early

because there'll be here early.

- Okay, you got it.

- Okay, here's the next change.

- It's not about what's
fair, it's about what's right.

- That's good. Next.

- You sure about going
to the close-up there?

I'm gonna leave. Time me.

Oh, you're still at it?
- Yep.

- Any luck finding your
mysteriously missing scrapbook?

- Nope, I turned this
place upside down.

I did find three dead remotes,

$ . in change and
a mouse skeleton.

- Maybe Murray's
imaginary mouse...

- Not so imaginary.

I also found an old
joint, which I smoked.

- Oh, no, no, no, honey.
Pot makes you paranoid.

- Who told you that?

- I stand... I stand corrected.

How much of it did you smoke?

- All of it.
- All of it?

- I don't know... pot was
old, I don't think it worked.

Anyway, the scrapbook's gone.

Someone stole it.

- I think the pot's working.

- What's that?

- This, my friend,
is a gift for you.

Little something I thought
might come in handy

as you start this new chapter
of your professional career.

- Honey, that's so sweet.
- It's a clock.

- It's a chess clock.

- Yeah! Isn't it cool?

- You know I'm
gonna be a therapist,

not an old man in
Central Park, right?

- Yeah, but I figured,
you know, when you were

with a patient and
the session's over,

you could go, "Time's up."

- Yes, and then he can
go, "Bishop to King ."

- Sure. If he wants to do that,

there's no reason he
couldn't do that with this.

- It's very, very,
sweet. Thank you.

- Yeah, I always
wanted one of these...

- The only other person
who could've taken it...

- Who take... what, what?

- The scrapbook.
The only other person

who could have
taken it is Mabel.

[doorbell rings]

- Sweetie, not to hurt your
feelings, Mabel does not

care about a
scrapbook. I promise you.

- We'll see. I'm texting her.

- Well, James, I
took your advice.

I asked Lucia to marry me.

Guess what? She said no.

- What... wait, what...
what? You're getting married?

- Not if you go
by what I just said.

- I am... confused.
You told him to ask her?

- I'm a little high, but I
don't think I said that.

- Hey, come on, it's
all right, it's all good.

I'm... I'm gonna cook something.

You guys... you guys
mind if I cook something?

I'm gonna cook
something. Who's hungry?

- I'm starving.
- Yeah, I bet you are.

- Ira, are you sure you're...
- Ah... ah.

Got it.

Best piece of cooking
advice I ever got?

Start with a pot
of boiling water.

'Cause chances are, no
matter what you're making,

at some point, you're gonna want

a pot of boiling water, right?

- Ira, are you sure you're okay?

- What, about
Lucia? Yes, I'm great.

I mean, look, if
it's not meant to be,

it's not meant to
be. So now I know.

Asked and answered.

Okay, let's see
what you got here.

- Who am I texting again?

- Mabel.

Hey... [stammers]

I'm confused. When...
when Lucia said no,

are you sure you
understood her correctly?

- Oh, I understood
her just fine.

She said no.

- In English or Italian?
What's the Italian word for no?

- No.

- Oh, very similar, I gotta say.

- What is this?
- Ooh, that looks good to me.

- It just... it doesn't
make any sense.

Look, we know...

- I think this is spoiled.

- We know Lucia's
crazy about you, right?

So can you think of any reason

why she wouldn't
want to get married?

- Nope, although there
was that agreement we had

where we both swore that
no matter what happens,

we'd never get married.

- I don't think
you told me that.

- What?
- We both had bad experiences,

so the thinking was maybe

marriage was something
we shouldn't do.

- Well, then maybe
it's for the best.

What you have
going is going great,

so let it be what it is.

Hey, marriage
isn't for everyone.

- Yeah. Wait, what?

- Eh, it's not.

I mean, you and I happen
to be very good at it.

- Why am I texting your mother?

- Okay, you know what, maybe
put down the phone, Cheech.

- I'm such an idiot.
- No, no, no, hey.

- No, it's true. Everything
was going great

and now I messed it all up.

What is wrong with me?

You know... I can't cook now.

There's semi-hot
water here if you want.

You mind if I go lay down
for a while in Mabel's room?

- Of course.
- Yeah... oh, there's no bed.

- I don't deserve a bed!

- This is really disappointing.

- I think he'll be okay.

- No, I'm saying
I'm really hungry.

- A word of advice? Maybe
stop when you hit table.

- If you care at all about
keeping me under pounds,

do not let me get high again.

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

- Can I get you
folks anything else?

Another piece of pie?
- No... no.

We don't wanna fill up.

Remember, we've got that
pot of tepid water at home.

This whole Ira thing...
I'm so confused.

Before you convinced
him to propose...

- I didn't.

- But, did he give any reason,

like why he wants to get
married all of a sudden?

- He was dizzy talking about
love, there was singing...

- Yeah, but you know
what, that's Ira all the time.

Just doesn't make any sense.

Why would somebody
wanna get married at our age?

I mean, are you kidding?

Like we would have the
strength to be newlyweds?

- I don't have the strength
to be newly anything.

If you ask me, they
dodged a b*llet.

Think of all the petty stuff

they won't have
to deal with now.

- Really.

Thank God that's all behind us.

What?

- Let's just forget about it.
- No, don't do that.

If you have something
you wanna say...

- No, because you
obviously don't get it.

- Oh, okay. Please,
don't say that.

- What?

- Okay, 'cause I hate

when you say I don't get it.

- Well I hate when
you don't get it.

- Look.
- I just don't understand.

We're leaving a restaurant,
you grab yourself a toothpick,

but you don't think
to get one for me.

- Okay, look. It's not
that I deliberately...

- I know, I know. I know.
You didn't deliberately

not get me one, it just didn't
occur to you to get me one.

- That's all I'm saying.

- How does it not
occur to you when

we've been having this
conversation for years?

- Okay, 'cause, look...

- You know what? I'm
just gonna make it simple

moving forward,
okay? Here's the rule.

If you're getting something
for yourself, whatever it is,

a toothpick, a cup of
coffee, a stick of gum,

ask and see if I would
like one, too, okay?

Does that make sense?

- Of... yes, of course,
absolutely it does, yes.

- Thank you.

- However.
- Oh, my God.

- In this particular situation,

the reason it
didn't occur to me...

- Please let me find
another joint to smoke.

- The reason it didn't
occur to me is that,

because in all the
years I've known you,

I've never seen you
use a toothpick ever.

- That's because you've
never offered me one.

- You... look, I get your
point. I understand the point

that if I'm getting
something, you know, nice,

I should see if
you'd like one, too.

- Yes, that's all I'm saying.
- I understand.

That makes perfect
sense. But let me...

just, okay, as an example.

Okay, say I have an itch, right?

A little itch in the
back of my neck.

Now, my natural instinct
would be to scratch it, right?

Taking care of a momentary need.

Is that being inconsiderate?

Like, am I supposed to stop
and think, "You know, I wonder

"if Jamie's neck itches too?

Maybe as long as I'm
scratching, I could scratch..."

I mean, that would be
nuts, don't you think?

- I gotta tell you, one of
us doesn't survive this.

- Point being, I only
grabbed a toothpick

for myself because I
had a thing in my teeth.

It wasn't a luxury
item and by the way,

I think it would be
presumptuous of me to assume

you have something
in your teeth.

- Any chance you guys
could keep it down?

- Oh, hi. Sorry.

- How are you doing?
- I'm better.

Thanks... thanks
for letting me stay.

- You stay as long as you want.

- You're the best.

I promise I won't be a bother.

You're out of toilet paper.

- Look, this...
this is getting silly.

- Oh.
- If, you know, okay...

if you know that this
silly toothpick thing,

for whatever reason,
is a blind spot for me,

why can't you just accept that,

enjoy all the things
you do like about me,

and let this one go?

- Because even
though you think it's silly,

it means something to me.
Why can't you just accept that?

- Okay, because...

- And admit that you were wrong.

- That... you see,
okay. I know...

I know how much
you like to be right.

- I don't like to be right,
I'm just usually right.

Ha!
- What?

- Mabel has the book.

- What book?
- The scrapbook.

The scrapbook that you thought

she wasn't sentimental
enough to want?

She has it and she's
bringing it back tomorrow.

So that means I was...

- Whatever.

- Yeah, yeah, it seems
like the whole time I was...

Yeah, I wasn't so
much wrong as I was...

- Okay, yes, you were right.

- Thank you.

- However...
- [shouting]

Oh, my gosh, look at this.

- Just a little
thank you nibble.

- Totally unnecessary.

- Hey... whoa, Ira,
you're feeling better, huh?

- Much better.

I woke up this morning

and I realized
Lucia's exactly right.

We're happy. Why should
we change anything?

- Exactly.

- And like you said,
marriage isn't for everyone.

- Right.

- Yeah, and frankly,

listening to you two
argue about a toothpick

for straight minutes...
Not exactly a selling point.

Have a good one.
- All right. See ya.

Okay, sweetie, I
gotta get going, too.

I gotta open up early.
Big mucky-mucks coming.

Are we good with
the toothpick thing?

- I'm good.
- Great, me, too.

- Great.
- Great.

All right, I love you.
I'll see you later.

- Love you.

- And by the way, if I'm
such an inconsiderate guy,

would I have gotten
you such a nice clock?

- Nobody said you
were inconsiderate.

- Exactly so, checkmate.

- Never mind the fact that
it's something you wanted

and makes no
sense as a gift for me.

So... double checkmate.

- Well, for your information,

there's no such thing as
double checkmate, so...

- For your information,
the reason I would never

know that is that
I don't give a sh*t.

I don't know about chess.
I don't care about chess!

- Well, then I guess you
won't be needing this.

- Hey.
- Hi, look who's here.

Hi, sweetie.
- Hi, honey.

Oh, this is so great.

- Oh, I just wanted to
drop off... ooh, what's that?

- It's a chess clock.
Would you like it?

- Is it okay if I leave a load
of a laundry to do later?

- Sure, do you want
me to do it for you?

- That's kind of what I meant
when I said, "do it later."

- Sweetie, did you remember
to bring the scrapbook?

- I did, yep. It's right here.

Hope it's okay I borrowed it.

- Of course, and Daddy
thought you weren't sentimental.

- I'm not what?

- I think it's so nice
you wanted a keepsake.

A little something from
home to take to school

and show your friends.

- Is that what you thought?

- Yes, why else
would you take it?

- I brought it in
for my psych class.

We were talking about
obsessive compulsive behavior

and attachment issues.

- But... did you see what
a beautiful job Mommy

did on these books for you?

These are beautiful.
- Oh, yeah.

The books are so nice

and they're, like,
crazy thorough.

Not crazy... I'm
saying thorough.

- Yes, right.

- I gotta go. Thanks
for the laundry.

Love you.
- Love you.

- Thank you for not gloating
about the book in front of her.

- Yeah, well, hey, listen,
you know I would never

disagree with you
in front of the kid.

Wait a second...

okay, I think I know what's
been happening here recently.

Yes.

Ever since Mabel left,

I... I think I've been
pushing back a little more.

- As opposed to?

- As opposed to
before... All those years,

whenever there was a
disagreement between us,

I would try to keep the
peace for Mabel's sake.

I did a lot of acquiescing.

- Really?
- Yes.

And I think...

I think I've done you
a terrible disservice.

Yes, because I...
I've led you to believe

you're much more right
than you actually are.

You're not that right.
And you know what?

If something ever, God
forbid, happened to me

and you were pushed
out into the wild to argue,

I don't think you would survive

with your false sense
of argument success.

- Hmm... I think I would
do just fine in the wild.

You wanna worry?
I'd worry about the wild.

- She said yes.

- What?

- I'm heading over
there to apologize,

I get like halfway down
the block, Lucia calls.

She says she's the one
who should apologize

and yes, of course,
she'll marry me.

- And then you
decided to come here?

- So you're getting married?

- It appears so.

- But you just said
you didn't want to.

- I don't.

- Why don't you
tell that to Lucia?

- Because she just said yes.

How does it look if
she says yes and I say,

"You know, I changed my
mind. Let's just stick with no."

- Oh, Ira.

- You know, and...
and she wants me

to invite you guys to
dinner tonight to celebrate.

- To celebrate this engagement
you didn't mean to have?

- Yes.

- Well, we'll be
there for that, sure.

- Ira, Ira...

- Well now, you told
me. You were right.

"Don't make an
impulsive decision."

So stupid...

Paulie, listen to
this woman. Always.

She is always right.

- You're so not helping here.

- A meal like that,
you gotta cap off

with a little grappa...
There you go.

- Okay, well to Ira and Lucia,

may your marriage
be long and fruitful

and may you have
the same joy we've had.

- Salud.
- Salud.

- Wow, mother of
God, that's just horrible.

- Wow, that's
delicious. Hit me again.

- You see, that's why
we're so good together,

'cause we agree on everything.

- So, tell us.

What is secret for
long years marriage?

- Oh, well, you're
asking the right people

'cause the great thing about us?

We never argue, never fight.

- Yeah, right.
They've been fighting

over a toothpick
for the last hours.

- We've been fighting
over that toothpick

for the last years.

- That's why you
have to get married

and stay married,
'cause a lot of these fights,

they take forever. If
you get out too early,

then you never
find out who wins.

- It's about communication.

- That's what I'm trying to say.

It's about who wins
the communication.

- You know, here's a question.

And I want you to
answer honestly.

Why did you change your mind?

Why did you say
yes after you said no?

- Because I love you.

And you want to be married, yes?

- Okay, I'm gonna ask
you again, and this time,

don't think about me,
I want... I want you

to answer honestly,
but for yourself.

Lucia Francavella,
will you marry me?

- Yes.

Lucia Francavella...

do you want to marry me?

- Do I want to? No, not really.

- Me neither.

- So, okay!
- So we leave it the way it is?

- Si!
- We don't get married?

- Yes, like I say first time.

- [laughs] Lucia,

oh you've made me the
happiest man in the world.

- Okay.
- All right.

- We've seen this part before.

All right, you two, cut it out.

Hey, just... just so we're clear,
we just had a fantastic meal

celebrating the fact
you're not getting married?

- Si!
- Exactly.

- Works for me.
- Buona sera.

- All right, good night...
- This is a wonderful woman.

You should marry her.
- Don't get him started again.

- Aww, was that so hard?
- Yeah, yeah, watch.

You probably won't
even use it now.

- Oh, I'll use it.
- Ow!

- I gotta say again,

it just feels completely unfair

that the studio would
accuse you of locking them

out of the building when I
was only minutes late.

- It was an hour.

- But that... that was my
fault, that wasn't your fault.

Actually, it was
my wife's fault,

but let's not dredge
that up again.

Listen, if you like,

I can call the
studio and... okay.

But hey, if you ever do need
any post-production facility

in the future, I certainly
hope you'll consider...

- Yeah, that's probably a no...