08x08 - Anderson Cooper and Other Fantasies

[bunniefuu]

- Hey, we don't have any...
- Okay.

Uh-huh. Uh, not a problem.

Y-you betcha.

No, not... not a problem.

Not one problem. Bye-bye.

Okay, I got a big problem.
- What's up?

- This is like life or death.

Where would you rather stay:

at Dame Judi Dench's
house on the Upper East Side

or Anderson Cooper's
place downtown?

- Still waiting for the
"life or death" part.

- I double-booked
two house sitting gigs.

You... you gotta
take one of them.

Please help your sister! Please!

- I love Anderson
Cooper. I'll do it.

- Great, all you have
to do is feed his fish.

- Oh, no, no, no,
no. That won't work.

- Seriously?

You still have the fish problem?

- I don't trust anything
that doesn't blink.

Paul will do it.
- Are you sure?

- Yeah, he loves Anderson Cooper

and he has no issues with fish.

- Hello.

- You're spending the night
at Anderson Cooper's house.

- Okay.
- Great.

You're the best
brother-in-law ever.

I just texted you the address.

I will meet you there at
: p.m. with the keys.

I love you both! I
will never forget this!

- I'm sleeping at
Anderson Cooper's house?

- Yep.
- Is he gonna be there?

- Nope.
- That makes much more sense.

[easygoing music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart
as much as you ♪

♪ If we take each
other's hands ♪

♪ We can fly into
the final frontier ♪

♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪
- ♪ Final frontier ♪

- ♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪
- ♪ Final frontier ♪

- ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

- ♪ Final frontier ♪

- So what's on your mind?

- Okay, so I've been
giving it some thought,

and I think I'm ready to
take on a bigger patient load.

- You do, huh?
- Well, yeah.

- I think the last
couple of weeks

I've really been
hitting my stride,

and I know I have a
long way to go, but...

Do you know that guy?

- What guy?

- The guy you're staring at.

- Was I?
- Kinda.

- No, I wasn't staring.

But not too hard on
the eyes, though, huh?

Fine, he's my...

Don't you dare make fun of me.

- I'm not.

- Okay, he is my
fantasy coffee husband.

- Your what now?
- My fantasy coffee husband.

I see him here all the time.

I've got the whole
thing worked out.

He is a cardiologist.
- Really?

- Mm-hmm, and we
live in Connecticut

with our three
beautiful children:

Emily, Justine, and Marcus.

I worry about that middle one.
- Justine?

- Yeah, she struggles
a bit in school.

- You've spent a lot of
time thinking about this.

Are you and Mark okay?
- We're great!

Mark has a fantasy
wife at the gym.

- [laughs]
- But it's fine.

They live in Jersey,
so we never see them.

It's just a fun,
meaningless little game

for both of us, that's all.

- Okay.

So anyway, about my
taking on some extra hours...

- Mm-hmm. Yeah, sure.

Fine, whatever.

- This is the remote for the TV,

and that's the
remote for the cable,

and that's the remote
for the sound system.

- All right.
- Don't touch any of them.

- Okay.
- Yeah, just ask the house.

You know, just say
"house" and then whatever.

[device chimes]

- Welcome home, Anderson.

I hope you had a productive day.

- Anderson's not here!
- Okay.

- That thing creeps me out.
- Yeah.

- Okay, don't sit in that chair.

That's a museum piece.
- Okay.

- And if you sit on
the couch, Paul,

don't keep picking
the same spot.

You gotta distribute your
ass evenly, you know?

Or else it'll make a
dent. Or don't sit at all.

- Don't sit. Got it, okay.

Can I stand, or is
the floor off-limits too?

- The floor is free-range.

Just no shoes. Socks only.

- Yeah, well, that
goes without saying.

Look at this guy.
Gets his own place.

- Yeah, I think
that's his favorite.

Oh, so, every morning:
two pellets for this guy

and pellets for them.

- Got it. , .

- Yep.
- for him, for the team.

Wow, these are beautiful.

- Yeah, that's $ ,
worth of fish right there.

- Really? Wow, what
are they made of?

- Fish.

- Oh, okay.
- Okay, so you good?

- Yeah, yeah, cool.

- Basically, whatever you feel
like touching or doing, don't.

- Don't do, don't touch.

- One last thing: this
door is really heavy,

so you really
gotta slam it shut.

- Slam...
- Thank you!

- Yes!

Hee-hee!

Look at this.

Not too shabby, Buchman!

Oh, oh, hey.

[door opens]

- And don't try on his glasses.
- Okay.

See that chair?

That's a chair I can't sit in.

Here's a guy on a horse
I'm not allowed to touch.

You see all those
things back there?

Also not allowed to touch.

- Wow... oh, don't aim
the camera at the fish.

- Sorry, my bad.
- Oh, go back, go back.

Are those his glasses?
- Yep.

Those are Anderson
Cooper's glasses.

- Put 'em on.

- No, sweetheart, I...
I'm not supposed to.

- Don't be a baby.
Just put them on.

- Really? Okay.

- Whoa. Hello, Anderson.

I'm a big fan.

- Why, thank you very much.

- No, a very big fan.

- Oh.

Well, thank you.

- You know, as
luck would have it,

my husband's away
for a couple of nights

and I'm all alone here.

- Really?

What are you... What
are you wearing?

- My white shirt.

- Oh, yeah, 'cause I can see.

Okay, okay.

- Can you see this?

- Ooh.

- Button number one...

button number two...

[phone buzzes]

- Oh, hold on, I've
got another call.

- I was taking off my top.

- Let's not interrupt that.

[phone buzzes]

Oh, of course... it's my mother.

- All right, call me back.
- No, I'll call her back.

- What if she fell or something?

- No, it doesn't
feel like a fall call.

Feels more like a "guess
who I bumped into at the mall"

kind of thing.

So commence
with the unbuttoning.

- Two buttons done.

Moving to the third.

- Ooh.

[phone buzzes]

Oh, my... God, bless
her, she's a persistent...

I'll call back!

All right, so are you naked?
- "Am I naked"?

- Oh!
- What kind of question...

- I... I'll call you back!
- Is she on hold?

- Yes.
- All right, call me back.

- Yes, Ma... uh, Ma, hi.

Uh, so what... What
was so important?

- So I'm at the mall.
Who do I run into?

- Okay, who?

- Grande almond milk
cappuccino, please,

with an extra sh*t.

[dishware clatters]

Good morning.
- Morning.

- My friend's not here today.

Hey, I saw your fantasy husband.

- How did he look?
- Pretty great, and very nice.

I see why you
fantasy-married him.

- Yeah... wait, what do
you mean "he's nice"?

Did you talk to him?
- No, we didn't talk.

He said "good morning,"
I said "good morning."

Like that, - Who said it first?

Him or you?
- I don't remember.

I... I think he said
it first. Maybe I did.

Not on purpose.
Our eyes met and...

- Oh, your eyes
met, now, did they?

- No, no, I... I said
"good morning."

Not even. Like, "g'morning."

- Whatever.

- Are you actually
upset about this?

- Why shouldn't I be?

You have waltzed,
uninvited, into my fantasy life.

Now, whenever I close
my eyes, there you'll be,

standing right between me

and him and the
kids and the dogs.

- You have dogs?
- Of course we have dogs.

A ranch house in Connecticut
with that big-ass yard?

You think we wouldn't
have some freakin' dogs?

- I'm sorry.

Seriously, I promise: it
will never happen again.

This is probably a bad time

to ask if you've
given any thought

to the idea of me
taking on more patients?

Copy... copy that.

- House, uh, lights down %.

- Done.
- Very nice.

Uh, house, make it, like,
a... a little cooler in here.

- Feel better?

- Yes, I do.

House, bring...
Bring me a pashmina.

Come on, you know he's got one.

Okay. Hey, house,
I'm gonna burp.

- Sorry, I don't know that,

but I do know a game
called "Funny Burps."

- Me, too.

Watch. [belches]

Wow. I win.

[phone rings]

[chuckles] Hey, Splinky.

- Hey, hey, can I come
over and see the place?

- No can do.

Sorry, I'm not allowed
to have any guests.

[knocking on door]

No, I can't, 'cause the
house sees everything.

Can't.

No, hang on a second, I
got somebody at the door.

- I gotta see the... I
gotta see his stove.

- Huh? What?
What... shoes, shoes!

Take off your shoes!
- All right, all right.

All right, shoes.
- "A stove"?

Who begs to see a stove?

- Paulie, it was featured

in "Kitchen Appliance
Monthly" last April.

Come on, just two
minutes. I promise.

- Okay, two minutes.

Wait, there's actually
a magazine called that?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like p*rn but
for restauranteurs.

Oh, last month they featured
a refrigerated prep table.

I swear, if it wasn't for Lucia,

I'd be dating it right now.

- How'd you know I was here?
- Mark told me!

- It came up in conversation.

- What... who told you?
- Tonya.

- Wait, okay... shoes, shoes!

Take off your shoes!
Take off your shoes!

- Holy Malloy!

What a place!
- What a stove!

- Okay, okay, guys, listen,

I... I'm not supposed
to be entertaining, here!

- Don't worry, I just
came to see his bathroom.

- Oh, no, no, you
cannot use his bathroom.

- Not to use. Just to look.

- What... what do
you mean, "to look"?

- Paul, what do Anderson
Cooper and I have in common?

- [exhales, stammers]
I don't want to be cruel.

You tell me.

- We're both very
pale-skinned, but he's really pale.

He's almost translucent.

I've heard it said
that in K resolution,

you can actually see
some of his internal organs.

So whatever he uses
on his face, I need it.

I'm one face cream away
from being Anderson Cooper.

Now, where's the bathroom?

- Bathroom is upstairs,
but we're not allowed.

- Knocky-knocky!
- Marvin?

- Marvin!

- I hope you don't mind, but I
parked in Anderson's space.

- What... how are you...
- Oh, nice!

- What are you...
- Nice, nice!

- Okay, what are you doing here?

- I'm driving across
town and I stop at a light...

- Shoes, shoes!
Take off your shoes!

- Man, you gotta
see this guy's stove!

- I'm driving across
town, I stop at a light,

and who do I see but
these two schmos?

And I say, "What are you doing?"

They say, "Paulie's staying
at Anderson Cooper's.

Do you wanna
come?" I say, "Do I?"

Come on, man! Anderson Cooper!

- Okay, guys, listen, I'm
not supposed to have...

- Five minutes.

Just wanna check out his
heating and air conditioning.

- His heating? What
are you... his heating?

- Show him your card!

Marvin, Marvin, show
him your new card!

Show him the new card!
- I don't wanna brag, but... ooh.

- "Marvin's Climate Change,

"Largest Heating
and Cooling Outfit

In The Entire Tri-State Area"?

- That's right.

I've come a long way since
Buchman Sporting Goods.

- How about that? Huh, huh?

Mr. Largest in the
Tri-State Area now, huh?

- Yeah, well, to be
honest, it's just New Jersey,

but, uh, nobody
ever checks that sh*t.

- Okay...

- Man, you've
gotta see this oven.

Marvin, you can... you can
put a -pound turkey in there.

- You know what,
ovens aren't my thing,

but are you checking out
this beautiful duct-work?

It's quality
craftsmanship. It really is.

- Wait, wait...
- Guys...

- You've gotta come
take a picture of me

with this thing, okay?

It's so magnificent.

There's no way a selfie is
gonna do justice to this scale.

Come on...
- Okay, okay...

- Holy Malloy!
- Don't touch that!

Hey, hey, both of you,
do not leave this room!

Do you hear... do not!
- Look at the fishies.

I love fishes!

Look at you.

Oh, oh.

Look at you.

All alone. All alone.

You probably wanna
hang with the other fishes,

but they're not interested.

No, no, no.

You're feeling
ostracized, aren't you?

And really alone,

and you're probably
taking those feelings

and eating inappropriately

and doing other
self-destructive activities.

Uh, just guessing.

Oh... [laughs]

I'm gonna make things right.

- Whoa, Marvin,
what are you doing?

No, no, don't,
don't, don't, don't!

Oh, oh!

- Ah, sweet Jesus!

He's eating all the other fish!

- No, no, no, you still got
the other guy right in the...

Oh, okay, that's...
that's all of them.

- Okay, this explains
the other bowl.

- Oh, take it, take
it. Hurry, hurry, hurry.

- Sweetie, you are a lifesaver.

Look at you... so brave.

Going into a fish
store all by yourself.

Sweetie, eh, some of these
fish look a little sketchy.

How much were they?
- $ .

- $ to replace
$ , worth of fish.

I'm sure that's fine.

- Wow, look at this place.

It's so Anderson-Coopery.

- Right?
- Ooh.

Let me see these bad
boys on you in person.

- You're so silly.
- Come on, come on, come on.

- Here.
- Wow.

Very nice.

What is that smell?
You smell good.

- That, my friend, is
Anderson's face cream.

- This is what Anderson
Cooper smells like?

- That would be my guess.

This plus whatever
else he's got going on.

- So if you're Anderson Cooper,

who am I?

- Oh, is this...
- Come on.

You're Anderson Cooper,
so I'm... it's your call.

- Uh, I'm thinking you kind of
have to be Christiane Amanpour.

- [British accent] Ah, hello,
I'm Christiane Amanpour,

just back from assignment

after I was granted
entrance into Iran.

- Mm-hmm.

- I haven't been
with a man in months.

I'm ready... so ready...
To be with a man.

- So am I,

and yet, in your case,
I'll make an exception.

Mm.

Okay.

So that happened.
- It sure did.

I gotta say, it was
pretty fantastic.

- Anderson, it sounded
like you were in distress.

Should I call ? Both: No.

- You know, it... It may
not have been Tahiti,

but I'm gonna
say that was easily

the best half a minute
of the last decade.

- We're back, baby.
- Yes, we are.

- You think I can borrow

one of Anderson's
T-shirts to sleep in?

I won't take a nice
one. I'll grab a ratty one.

Although, he probably
doesn't have ratty ones.

- [stammers]

Were you thinking
of staying over?

- Yes, why?

- No reason.

But, you know, we just had
this really hot little quickie,

and the only way I could
think to make it hotter, frankly,

would be to get rid of you.

You know, like,
uh, "Thanks, babe.

I'll call you sometime,
maybe." You know, like that.

- Oh, this is my first walk
of shame in a lot of years.

I gotta say, I kind of like it.
- Right?

- Animal.
- Hmm.

Okay.
- You are so funny.

- What?

- Seriously, I don't understand
why you wouldn't want to

line them up right
from the beginning.

Then, when you're ready
to go, you put them on.

You can go.

- Let... let's get the walk of
shame going, baby, okay?

All right.
- I love you.

- You, too.
- See you tomorrow.

- All right.

- Oop, my jacket.

You forgot to put this one in.

[door slams]

[sighs]

[groans]
- What?

- Don't worry
about it! I did it!

- What'd you say? Oh, oh!

No, no, no, no, no! Oh, oh.

How could you still be hungry?

- Hey, there.
- Hello.

- I was wondering, would
you do me a huge favor

and say something to my
friend when she gets here?

- Excuse me?

- Just a "hello"
or "how are you"?

It would mean a lot.
- I'm not following.

- So my friend Tonya...

Probably shouldn't
have told you her name.

She would hate that.

Anyway, she's been going
through a bit of a rough patch,

and just one
stranger saying hello...

It would make a big difference.

Please?

- I guess so.
- Thank you, thank you.

- How's it going?

- What did you do?
- Nothing.

- Did you tell
him to talk to me?

- No.

- Did she ask you
to say hello to me?

- I didn't ask you to
say anything, right?

- What did she say? Tell me.

- Okay, you know what?

I can't do this anymore.

- I don't think
he's right for you.

It's nice to have you home.
- So nice to be home.

Although, I gotta say, a
little bit of an adjustment.

I just said, "House,
make me a sandwich."

Nothing.
- Turns out I missed you.

- I missed you too.

Sweetie, come on.
- Otherwise it gets all cakey.

- Yeah, I was gonna
wipe it when I'm done.

- I know.

It's just sometimes you
don't, so I thought I would.

- And very often I do.
- I didn't mean to insult you.

- I'm not insulted.
- Okay.

- But I gotta tell you,

best part of Anderson
Cooper's place?

Two whole days... I
wasn't wrong once.

- Whoa.
- Yeah.

No, I'm just saying,
it... it was nice

to be my own boss for a minute.

- Okay, just to be
clear, I'm your boss

and the great decider of
when you're right and wrong?

Got it.

- That was not at
all what I was saying.

- I wonder who you might
be confusing me with?

Hmm, let's see: what other
important woman in your life...

- No, no, no.

- Who possibly, as you were
growing up, told you what to do

and who you spent your
whole life trying to please

might you be confusing me with?

- Well, first of all, I wasn't
trying to "please" you.

- Well, I'm super not pleased,

so you're hitting
it out of the park.

- Look, all I was saying...

- Look, it's okay

that you enjoyed being
alone for two days.

- I didn't.
- I did.

- You what?

- You don't think I
enjoyed some time alone?

A couple of days apart from you?

Of course I did.
- Really?

- Are you kidding? I loved it.

- Okay, I did too.
- Well...

- Like, a lot.
- So good.

- No, no, but, I
mean, really liked it.

- Okay, great. So just say that.

- I didn't want to
hurt your feelings.

- "You didn't
want to hurt my"...

What am I, some
porcelain doll who's gonna...

- I'm sorry, is it,
like, a bad thing now

to be considerate
of your feelings?

- It's not you being
considerate of my feelings.

That's you being
afraid of upsetting me.

- No, not... because I love you.

- I love you too.
- Okay, all right.

Well, good.

So why would I
want you to be hurt?

- I'm just saying,
do me the courtesy

of saying what's on your mind
and stop walking on eggshells.

It's insulting.
- Okay, I got it.

- I'm a big girl, and I
can handle whatever it is

you think is gonna break me.

Watch. Go.
- What?

- Say something that
you're afraid to tell me

and watch how I'm still here.

Go ahead.
- Oh, this is a great game.

It's right up there with
"roll me in broken glass

and kick me in the balls."

Yeah.
- We'll play that later.

My game first. Go ahead.

- [sighs]

- Do you want me
to help you start?

Okay, you don't
like when I tell you

how to put your shoes.

Got it.

Still don't see why
you don't want to

put them the right
way, but whatever.

You don't like it. Got it.

What else?

How about this?

Stop hawking you
about the mustard.

Fair enough. I
got it. What else?

- I don't...
- Come on. Really?

There's nothing else
about me that you don't like?

- Okay... okay, here you go:

sometimes you start
humming a song,

and then you switch,
like, to another song,

and you don't... You
don't even realize

it's two separate songs.

- Really? This bothers you?

- Not that much, no.

Actually, it's kind of adorable.

- Jesus, you've
gotta get better at this.

- All right, all right all
right, you want one?

- Yes, good. Watch.

- Okay, here you
go: sometimes...

sometimes, I'm saying...

You can be a bit
short with people.

Like... like strangers, mostly.
- Really?

- Yeah, no,
you're a little curt.

Curt sometimes.

Like... like with waiters.

Or, you know what, actually?

It's waitresses
more than waiters.

It's... it's not a big
deal, but you asked.

- No, it's okay. I
don't have to love it.

I don't think you're
right, but okay.

What else?

- Well, you know, actually,
that's... that's a big one.

- Waitresses?

- Not waitresses, but just,
you know, people in general.

- Oh, so now it's
everyone I'm awful to?

- I didn't say you were awful.

I'm just saying, you...

You can be a certain way
with people that sometimes...

It's, you know, a lot less
pleasant than maybe you think.

- I see.
- Oh, okay.

You know, 'cause I do a lot
of damage control, by the way.

Things you don't
even know about.

- Really?
- Yes.

- Like what? With who?

- Doesn't matter with who.
- Yes, it matters.

You can't accuse me of that...
- I'm not accusing.

I'm simply saying
I've noticed...

- Oh, that is such
a dirtbag move.

You drop that on
me and then you say

"I have noticed"?

- No, but you asked
me, and I'm saying yes.

You have a way about you

that you can be dismissive
of people sometimes.

Yeah, and I don't know,
maybe you don't see it

or maybe you don't care...
Which I don't even know

which is worse, to
tell you the truth...

But I've just gotten
used to it, you know?

I guess 'cause you do
that with me all the time.

- I do what?
- This, this.

Yes, you... you expect everybody

and everything to
be a certain way,

and when it's not, you
just... You look at us like,

"What's wrong with you?
Why don't you get it?"

Yeah, you look at me like
that all the time... all the time.

I'll ask you a question.
It's a simple question.

A silly, you know...

"What are we doing
Saturday night?"

And, yeah, maybe you
did tell me the day before

and maybe I forgot.

Guess what? People
forget, you know?

Uh, by the way, good
luck with the next years.

That's gonna be a treat.

But, yeah, you do.

You do this thing where...

You don't even
have to say anything,

but I... it's in your eyes.

I'm telling you, there's
a thing in your eyes.

It's like this impatience.

This constant
state of irritation,

like everybody's irritating you,

and I'm telling
you, it's brutal.

It's brutal.

And you can tell me
that I'm projecting this

and, okay, maybe you're
not thinking all these things,

but I'm telling
you: yeah, you are.

You are... And
even if you're not,

that's how it feels to me.

How about this: do you
know... do you know why?

Why I don't say
everything that bothers me

exactly when it's bothering me?

Because that's what feels
right to me, you know?

I'm not saying it's right or
wrong or better or worse,

but apparently that's
what I seem to do, okay?

And, yeah, it's not
always gonna line up

exactly with how you would do it

or how you wish
everybody else in the world

who's not you would do it.

Because if you do say
everything that's on your mind,

you know what?

A lot of sh*t will get said

that probably
should never be said.

You want an
example? Here you go.

Here you go: Mabel
was five years old.

Remember she ran into
the kitchen counter there?

She had to get
stiches on her lips

and you felt so horrible

and you thought
it was your fault

and I said, "Don't be silly.

No, it's not your fault."

Guess what?

I wasn't being
really honest there

'cause I wasn't %
that it wasn't your fault.

I'm still not sure
that wasn't your fault.

Should I say that?

Is there any value...
What possible good

would come out of
me saying that to you?

Tell me, 'cause
personally, I don't see it.

Do you?

Okay, now what?

- Well, well, well.

Look who's back.

- House, alarm on.

- Alarm activated.

- ♪ Yeah ♪