08x11 - Erotica and Expulsion

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Honey.
- It's a phase.

He'll grow out of it.
- You know, you say that, but...

- Just pretend he isn't
there. That's what I do.

- Yeah, easy for you to
say, 'cause you don't know

where his other
paw is right now.

All right, you know
what? That's it.

I'm sorry, he's going
in the living room.

- You know what's gonna happen.
- I don't care.

He's gonna have
to get used to it.

Come on, come on. There you go.

All right, enjoy
the living room.

Sweetie, it's been going
on for almost a week,

and I'm telling you, if I
don't get some sleep...

- Good luck.
[clears throat]

[Walter whimpering]

- Sleeping?

- Fine, let him in.

[easygoing music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart
as much as you ♪

♪ If we take each
other's hands ♪

♪ We can fly into
the final frontier ♪

♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪
- ♪ Final frontier ♪

- ♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪
- ♪ Final frontier ♪

- ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

- ♪ Final frontier ♪

[upbeat music]

[liquid pouring]

- You'll be happy to know
your dog is now sound asleep.

- Yeah, sure, 'cause
it's : in the morning.

At night, not so much.

What about the other
one? The two-legged one?

- I think she's awake.
- Mm.

Yeah, you know, I'd be awake too

if I just got kicked
out of college.

It would just be so nice
to know what happened.

- When she's
ready to talk about it.

- I understand.
I'm not gonna push.

- Okay.
[clears throat]

- Good morning.
- Hi, sweetie.

You got kicked out of college?

- Nice.
- She seemed ready.

- Sweetie.
- Okay.

Do you wanna know what happened?

- When you're
ready to talk about it.

- I think she's pretty
ready to talk about it.

Yes.
- Okay.

Do you want NYU's
version or mine?

'Causer theirs... it's a little
exaggerated, if you ask me.

- Whatever... Just
tell us what happened

and whatever it is, we'll
work through it together.

I mean, it's not like
you've committed a crime.

Oh, no.
- You committed a crime?

- You need the backstory first.

- No, I need a sedative first.

Would you just tell us
what happened, please?

- So my gender studies class...

"Mars and Venus Through
The Lens Between Us"...

My professor was
making the argument

that true equality can only
come from true understanding,

and then he posed a question

as to whether or not
true understanding

between the genders
is truly possible.

- Of course it is.
- Absolutely not.

- Exactly. Is gender
equality possible?

I say no.

So we had to write a paper

based on an experiment
of our choosing

to prove or disprove
our hypothesis.

- Mm, you know how
when you stub your toe

it doesn't hurt right away,

but you know the pain is coming?

That's this. What?

- Please just tell
us what happened.

- I... roofied Rishi.

- Good lord.
- You what?

- You roofied Rishi?
- Our Rishi?

- As part of the given
assignment, yes.

I slipped a date r*pe
drug into Rishi's drink.

- Oh, my God, is he okay?

- Of course.

I mean, he will be, eventually.
- Oh, my God.

- You know, the thing is

that everybody was doing
these dumbass experiments.

I chose a form of
sex discrimination

that's been ignored:
the date r*pe culture

and how it's used
to control women

with a perpetuation of fear
that men don't experience.

- Well, that's good.
That's very good.

- Yes, but she did...
- Was bad.

Very, very, bad.
- Guys, I'm not stupid.

I did the experiment
in my dorm room

under controlled conditions,

and I had Rishi
sign a consent form.

- Wait, if you had
Rishi's consent,

why did you get kicked out?

- Some antifeminist angry
white guy down the hall

narced me out to the
RA, who had to report it,

and that was it.

The dean said she had no choice.

I was out.
- "Out" is not an option.

You have to get back in.

- I don't know.

You know, maybe
school isn't for me.

- Really?

Okay, And what's
the other option?

- I don't know.
- Yeah, okay. Exactly.

So call the dean and tell them

we would like to
come in as a family

and talk this over, and
we'll get it figured out.

- Okay, okay.

You want some orange juice?
- Sure.

No, I'll get it
myself. Thank you.

♪ ♪

- Mr. and Mrs. Buchman, if
this were just one infraction,

this would be a much
different conversation,

but given the
impressive list of offenses

committed by your daughter...

- "A list"? There's
actually a list?

- Mabel's been a very busy bee.

The physical altercation
with her roommate?

- That was a misunderstanding

for which she has
totally apologized.

- A fire safety violation

for having a lit candle
in her dorm room.

- Totally my fault.

I packed the candle in her stuff

when we took her to school.

- Yeah, so that's
more her fault, really.

- Dean Warren, I'm
completely confident

that Mabel is very remorseful.

- Yes, extremely remorseful,
I think we could say.

- You're awfully quiet

for someone with
so much remorse.

- Well, be honest...
- If I may?

- Please.

- As the subject of Mabel's
controlled experiment,

I was totally aware of
the limited risks involved.

- Thank you, Rishi.

Did you hear that? "Limited."

- Thanks, I caught that.

- Not only was I more
than willing to help her,

I believed wholeheartedly
in the point she was making

about gender inequality,
and it was my true pleasure

to contribute to her work.

- What a guy.

- Well, you're
certainly a good friend.

- Well, I try to be.

- So you have no
lingering side effects?

- None.

Well, actually, on occasion...

And it's happening
much less frequently, I...

Muffins!

I shout random words,

but it is getting a lot better.

- In all candor, this young
man's refusal to press charges

is the only reason
you're talking to me

instead of law enforcement.

- Oh, I don't think
there's any reason

to involve law enforcement.

Look, Dean Warren, we
can't change the past, right?

So is there anything we can
do to... to get our daughter

back into your great, great,
and very forgiving school?

- I'm afraid the rubber
has met the road

as far as your daughter
and her time here

at New York University.

- So there's nothing
that she could say or do

to get herself readmitted?

- I'm sorry, but for now,

I think it's best
we part company.

- Oh, that... that
actually wasn't a "no."

- No, that was a no.

Oh, and just so
we're totally clear: no.

- Well, on the bright side,

you guys get all that
tuition money back.

- Ooh, and also a no.

In the event of expulsion,

tuition and all other
fees are forfeited.

- Okay, well, so much
for the bright side.

- Muhammad Ali!

Totally getting better.

♪ ♪

- Taking some time off from
school is perfectly acceptable.

I did it.

I did it in between
college and med school.

Yeah, it was the
best thing I ever did.

I went backpacking
all through the U.S.,

climbed the Grand Tetons,
then made my way into Nebraska,

where, unfortunately,
I contracted thrush.

And then I made
my way down south

where these... these
hoodlums stole my backpack

and I ended up getting
arrested for vagrancy,

and then I spent a
night in jail in South Car...

You know, I think it's best
that she go back to school.

- Okay.
- What did I miss?

- Uh, thrush, a backpack,

and Mark agrees Mabel
should go back to school.

- You know what, you guys?

Can we please
talk about something

other than our
daughter for one minute?

- You're absolutely right.

- So I'm listening to
this book the other day...

- Something our
grandparents never said...

"I was listening to a book."

- And the reader... the
narrator sounds like you exactly.

But I mean exactly.

- Leonora prayed
the sound of the train

would mask her sobs
from any who might hear,

save for the strapping,
ebony-skinned man

who suddenly appeared

in the empty seat
across from her.

- Right?

Both: "'Is this seat
taken?' he asked,

the words falling like
dark, sweet honey

on Leonora's ears.

- It is you! I knew it!

- I know! My wife
has a secret talent.

Go ahead, tell them, tell them!

- An old friend of mine
started an audiobook company.

He called one day and he
said, "You should do these.

You have the perfect voice."
- Doesn't she?

- Apparently I have
the perfect voice.

- Sultry, yet not tacky.

Powerful, not overbearing.

Arresting, yet still soothing.

- But your name's not on here.

It says "Antonia de Reinas."

- "Tonya from Queens."

- [laughs]
- I love it.

- Play some more.
[stammers]

Please, just for
me. Just for me.

- An electric shock
ran through her loins

as she envisioned the
forbidden pleasures to come

on that thundering
train of love.

- Oh, yeah.

- Wait a second,
you're into erotica?

Since when?
- High school.

- Really? Okay. And why?

- Are you gonna whisk me away

to your mountain
retreat in the Pyrenees

and describe the
curve of my neck

and the softness of my shoulders

for two full paragraphs?

- Yeah...
- I didn't think so.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

♪ ♪

[sniffs] Okay, what is that...

I know that smell.
- Shh, it's patchouli.

I'm massaging
Walter behind the ears

with patchouli oil.

It's supposed to be calming.
- Oh, I love that.

I had a girlfriend
in tenth grade...

Melissa Friedman...
Smelled like that all the time.

- Shh, I think he's sleeping.
- Oh, hallelujah.

- Just have to
be a little creative.

- Okay, your very tired
husband thanks you profusely.

- You're welcome.

- Okay, Melissa, you
have really let yourself go.

♪ ♪

- I'm sorry.

I... I don't know what
else to say, okay?

I'm sorry. I really am.

About everything.

And I'm... I'm really
sorry about the money.

- It's not about the money.

- Yeah, but it's not
not about the money.

- It's very much not
not about the money.

- What?
- Don't worry about it.

We appreciate the apologies,

but what you need
to be doing right now

is figuring out how you're
gonna get back into NYU.

- You heard the dean.
She said no several times.

- Sweetie, you're not
gonna get anywhere in life

if you accept
every "no" you hear.

You hear "no," you
gotta question it.

Push back.

- I don't think I can.
- Really?

Because every "no"
we ever threw at you

from age three to
like an hour ago...

Zero problem pushing
back against those.

- Yeah, you guys are easy.

- Well, isn't that delightful?

- This is not going to be easy,
turning this "no" into a "yes."

Find a real, true argument

for why they should
let you back in.

Something you believe in %.

- Yeah, something that
totally comes from you.

- Okay.

What should I say?

- It can't come from
us! That's the whole...

- Do you not hear
us when we speak?

- Start thinking about it.

- Okay, so your dog...

- Is he okay out there?
- Oh, yes.

Luis is with him. Don't worry.

Your dog is now favorite
person in the whole street.

Everybody love him.
- Oh, good.

- I hope it's okay,
I give him just now

a little bit of ossobuco.

He loved it.
- Well, you know what?

Dogs rarely say no
to a piece of veal.

- I don't give him
whole piece in one time.

I give him little
bit, little bit, little bit,

and after last little bit,

I see his eyes
start to go closing.

I think this will
help him sleep.

I give you some to take
home. You try with him tonight.

- Oh, thank you.
Listen, we'll try anything.

- Remember, not all at one time.

- Yeah, no, no.

Little bit, little
bit, Little bit.

Got it.
- Thank you, Lucia.

- That's very kind of you.

So, you figure it out?

- What?

- What you're gonna
say to the dean.

- God, give me some time.

- Hey, welcome to
the real world, kid.

You don't always get
all the time you need.

- Yeah, yeah, I know
what the real world is like.

- Oh, really? Do you?

- I do. What?

What, do you want
me to get, like, a job?

- What do you
mean, "like a job"?

If it's like a job,
it's probably a job.

- Yes, until you get
yourself back into NYU,

I think it's a very good idea.

- Okay, fine. I will get a job.

- You don't just
say "I'll get a job"

and one magically appears.

That's not how things work.
- It takes time to get a job.

It takes effort.

It takes skills to get a job.

- What, you need a
job? That's so funny.

We were just talking about
bringing somebody on.

You're hired.
- Great.

- Hey, : tomorrow morning.
- See you then.

Well, you guys were right.

The real world is so hard.

Mmm.

♪ ♪

- Okay, I don't
want to jinx anything,

but Walter's in the living
room and I think he's asleep.

He didn't even flinch
when I walked past him.

- Oh, praise the Lord.

Hurry up, get into
bed. Shut the lights.

Let's hit the hay.
- Oh, no, my phone's out there.

- No, don't...
don't go out there

'cause you're gonna wake him up.

- Well, I'm not gonna...

- Seriously, you can live

without your
phone for one night.

I'm begging you.
- Shh, fine.

- Shh.

Good night.

- [sighs]

- His basketball
uniform, damp with sweat,

clung to every
muscled inch of his torso

and his round, proud posterior,

and in that moment,
to myself, I whispered,

"Game on."

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Okay, this patient,
I'm telling you right now,

can be very distracting.

- How so?
- Very nice guy.

Open, easy to talk to,

but he wears very
tight biker shorts

at every session.

- So he's environmentally
conscious.

How is that bad?
- He doesn't own a bike.

- Okay, I don't know what
this dog's been eating...

- Ossobucco.

- Yeah, well, he
just "ossobucco'd"

all over the lobby.

- Oh, my God.

- Your mother tells me
you're starting a job today.

- Yeah, you'd better
get going. Don't be late.

- Yeah, I was thinking, Mommy:

what if I start work tomorrow

and today you and I hang out?

Just catch a movie.
Get a mani-pedi.

Have some time to reconnect.
- Uh-uh.

- When did I lose you?
- At "Mommy."

Go to work.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Go be a wonderful,
productive part

of the American economy.

Good luck, baby!

I think it'll be good
training for you

if you have to
deal with a patient

whose issues are a little...

Well, hello, handsome boy.

- Wow, he really likes you.
- And mama likes you.

What a big, strong,
strapping young man you are.

- Wow, he really likes you.

[gasps] Oh, my God.

- What?
- It's your voice.

He recognizes your voice.

- Well, I'm here often enough.
- No, that voice.

Your "good doggy"
voice is just the same

as your "hot sex
on the train" voice.

- I don't think so,
and even if it was,

how would he know that?

- Okay, last night I
left my phone out here,

and your audiobook was playing.

It put him right to
sleep. It was a miracle.

- My nasty romance stories.
- Pretty sure, yeah.

- Okay, I know you're
sleep deprived...

- No, no, no, no, you watch.

- Little did Rose know

that the young boy she'd
not seen since childhood

would become the man who'd
break her heart not once...

- Do you see? It's your voice.

- It is not my voice.
It's your bagel.

He smells your bagel.

- No, no, no, this
is not bagel related.

All right, exhibit B:

notice I am stepping away.

The bagel is
completely unprotected,

and yet, he makes
no move for it.

Okay, now I'm gonna call him.

Hey, Walter. Come here, buddy.

Not responding to
the sound of my voice.

And now...

- But a third time,

which would be
Nicholas' crowning blow.

- Yeah.

- Had she not felt
the cruelty in his lips,

the indifference
of his cool voice...

- It is your voice.
- It's not my voice.

It's your phone.
He thinks it's a toy.

- It's not the phone,
and to prove it,

I'm gonna put the phone down.

And exhibit C: do
one of your books.

- Excuse me?

- Do one of your
naughty, dirty books.

- Honey, call me old fashioned,

but I am not performing
erotica for your dog.

- It does not
have to be erotica.

Say anything. Tell
him about your morning.

- Cover all the mirrors,

because I will not be able
to look at myself after this.

This morning, I
got up at : ...

- No, no, no, use the voice.

- I'm better than this.
- Just do it.

- I made two poached
eggs this morning

with two pieces
of buttered toast.

Then I checked my
mail, and then I...

- [laughing]

- All right, it's the voice.

- All right-y, we open
for lunch at : ,

so... so the tables
should be set by : .

- Set by : . Got it.

- [speaking Italian]

- Oh, yeah, you always gotta

check the glasses
for water spots.

Lucia sees water spots,
she's not gonna be happy.

- [laughs] Um, do you
mind if I ask a question?

Do you recycle?
- Oh, yeah, of course.

Now, the napkins...

- That's great,
'cause it feels like

most people are k*lling
the planet for sport.

Do you have a
food waste program?

- Uh... uh, definitely, yeah.
- Good.

Good, 'cause
composted food scraps

can fertilize a community garden

that gives families
access to fresh produce.

- You know what, I
actually knew that.

[laughs] So, the napkins.

- About the menus:

some of your prices
seem a little high.

Do you ever consider doing
a "pay what you can" thing?

- "Pay what who can"?

- [speaking Italian]

- Did she just call
me a Communist?

- Eh, no. No, no,
no, that's Italian.

"Comunista" means
"lovely helpful niece."

So, um...

♪ ♪

- I don't want to jinx it,

but I think we're in
for a long, restful night.

- Look at that. Genius.

It's like a DJ, only furrier.

- And you just keep
those on, buddy.

It's gonna be you

and your friend
Tonya all night long.

[doorbell rings]

- It's kinda late.

You expecting anybody?
- Nope, not me.

- Ooh, late-night
visit's never good.

I'm... I'm gonna stay positive.

I'm gonna say it's the Rockettes

with free tickets for the
"Christmas Spectacular."

- Uh, hey.
- Okay, not spectacular.

- So sorry to bother
you guys so late.

Are... are you sleeping?
- No, come in.

- [stammering]
- Is everything okay?

How'd it go with Mabel?

- Uh, yeah, that's
kind of the thing.

- Oh-ho-ho. What is she, fired?

- [laughs]

Yeah, actually.

- Oh, boy, what happened?
- You're kidding.

- Uh, come sit.
- Oh, boy.

- Uh, okay, Paulie, James,

y-you know I love Mabel.

We both do.
- Love her.

- Like she is my own kid.

- Like our own child,
which we don't have.

- Yeah, she's so smart.
- So smart.

- Such a good heart.
- Big beautiful heart,

- Eh, but as an employee...

- The most worst employee.

[speaking Spanish]

- Yeah, not a good employee.
- Okay.

- We're so sorry. How
was she not good?

- Like, what did she do?

- "What did she do?"

- Well, I... I don't want
to give you the full list.

- Oh, another list.
- [stammers]

During her first break,

she tried to unionize the staff.

She... she called my
meat guy a m*rder*r.

Not to mention
we had six lobsters.

She had the busboy take
them down to the East River

to set them free.

- We're so sorry.

How did she take it
when you let her go?

- Uh, I'm glad you asked.

Uh, could you tell her?

- Better, I think,
to come from you.

You are her parents.

You she already no like so much.

- [sighs]
- Uh, sure.

Both: Okay.
- Ira, Lucia, what's going on?

Is everything okay?
- Mabel.

Uh, you know I love you.

I love you so much.

Yeah, okay, okay.
She gets it, she gets it.

Yeah, good night.
Good night, everybody.

- Okay, thanks, guys.

[door closes]

- I'm fired, aren't I?

- Well, you're not not fired.

- Oh, well. Doesn't matter.

- Uh, actually, it
does. It matters.

- I strongly suggest you
make a plan for the dean.

- Mom, Dad, calm down.

It is totally figured out.

- What is figured out?
- The plan.

Tomorrow morning,
I am pushing back

against the dean's "no"
with an amazing argument.

And the best thing?

It's totally coming from me.

- Oh, Lord.
- Okay, that's not good at all.

♪ ♪

- So let me understand this:

you want to construct
an entire course of study

based on the premise

that this country's
higher education system,

including this university

which you are
attempting to get back into,

is antiquated,
ineffective, and useless.

- Pretty much.

- I can't believe I'm
saying this, but go on.

- No disrespect,

but institutional learning?

Dead.

All you read about these days

is college degrees
having little or no value

and how the pursuit
of said degrees

plunges young people
into crippling debt

for years and years.

And I admit, I'm a rule-breaker,

but this is a very important
time for rule-breakers.

Responsible ones
who ask questions

and push back

and challenge an
out-of-touch educational system

that doesn't see how
out-of-touch it truly is.

- Ms. Buchman,

do not make regret
what I am about to say...

but welcome back.

- Thank you.
- The Treaty of Versailles!

Justin Timberlake!

I think I'm just excited.

- [laughs]
- Yeah.

♪ ♪

- "We sat across from
each other at the table,

"the distance between our chairs

"feeling like a vast divide

we could not resist crossing."

"We were hungry for the meal

"that only we could supply
to each other in private.

"We could wait no longer.

"Our hands flew
out to each other,

"clutching hair, clothing,

and our warm, wanting bodies."

I'm good.

♪ ♪