03x19 - A Pound of Flesh

[bunniefuu]

The party dress my mom
made for my sister, Bernice...

had three more petticoats
than mine did.

- Mm-hmm.
- Now, wait a minute.

Make that four
more petticoats.

Four more petticoats.

And I was as mad...

as a snake that married
the garden hose.

[Clears Throat] Now, when did
this party dress thing happen?

Well, it was years...

the th ofjune...

late in the morning.

Are you sure your mother
always favored Bernice?

Are you kidding?
She still does.

It's a classic case
of sibling rivalry.

At your age, an important thing
is to think about...

how to live a more
fully rewarding life.

I know, but I don't wanna
live it all screwed up.

Well, I'm, uh-
I'm afraid our time is up.

We'll talk more
about this next time.

Well, I do think we've made
some kind of a breakthrough...

because I sure
feel drained.

Yeah, me- me too.

[Elevator Dings]

Hold that elevator,
will ya, kid?

I'll, uh-
I'll get it, Mrs. Loomis.

We'll see you next week,
this same time.

Right.
And thank you so much...

for helping me
get my act together.

Bob, do you want me
to call Mrs. Loomis a cab?

Uh, no, it won't
be necessary. She, uh-

- She rode her bike.
- [ Rings]

Dr. Hartley.
Oh, hi, Mr. Carlin.

Surejusta minute.
Uh, Mr. Carlin...

wants to buy a shag rug,
but he's afraid.

Afraid of what?

That it might
cover his eyes.

Oh, that-
that kind of rug.

I'll talk to him.

- Hey, hLJer.
- Hi, Carol.

- How was lunch?
- Worst lunch I ever had.

Jerry, I thought you left here
with a terrific-looking lady.

That was no lady.
That was my stockbroker.

[Chuckles] She told me
I was practically wiped out...

then she made me pick up
the lunch check.

Oh,jer,
that's awful.

Look at this. Eight and a half.
You know what I paid for it?

Forty!
Liberty Flush Valve.

America's gotta have
flush valves.

I would think so.

Now more than ever.

I'm going to my office.
Tell, uh, Bob I want to see him, will ya?

SureJer.
Oh, listen...

I'm really sorry that Liberty Flush Valve
went down the tubes.

Funny, Carol.
Really funny.

Oh, come on. Hey,jer,
I didn't mean it that way.

But it is kinda funny.

Oh, listen, Bob,
jerry wants to see you right away.

Uh, the bottom, as it were,
dropped out of his stocks...

- and he's real depressed.
- Oh.

Oh, uh, remind me.
I have to meet Mr. Carlin...

at :
at Mr. Hairpiece.

We're gonna
look at swatches.

- [Knocking]
- Come in.

-j-jerry, you all right?
- Lend me , bucks.

Uh, things are
that bad, huh?

I gotta buy a motorcycle.

Jerry, you not only
have depression...

you've taken leave
of your senses.

No, I haven't, Bob.
I need a motorcycle to make me happy.

I mean, I need a big, expensive toy.
Something I really can't afford...

and somethin' that, uh,
I don't really need.

Well, buy two of them.
Be twice as happy.

Here it is, Bob.
Take a look at that baby.

Miss November.
Victoriajugman.

No. No. It's what
Victoria's sitting on.

Oh, it's a- It's a real nice
motorcyclejer, but-

-I mean, $ , -
- No, we better make it .

You know, tax, license,
helmet, gloves, a scarf.

You- You gonna
let me have the dough?

GeeJerry, you should have
caught me before lunch.

- I'm serious, Bob.
- I know you are, and I am too.

UhJerry, don't they-
don't they finance those things?

[Laughs] Sure. If you're gonna
pay , O percent.

I'm no patsy, Bob.
Besides, I like the feeling you get...

when you walk into a place and slap
the money right down on the table.

N-No matter
whose money it is.

I get it. You're worried
about your money.

Well, it is $ , ,jerry.

, , Bob. I'm gonna
get competition tires.

Why not
sh**t the works?

And you can use it whenever you want, Bob.
You're gonna have a ball.

You know, you just twist the accelerator,
and let 'er rip.

Vrrrr!
There you are...

roaring down the Dan Ryan
Expressway, Bob...

the wind whistling
through your helmet...

your tattoo blazing
in the sunlight...

your old lady hanging on
behind you for clear life.

- Bob, can you see it?
-j-jerry...

all I can see is bugs
bouncing off my teeth.

Okay, you don't have to
ride it, but, uh...

-you gonna lend me the money?
- Well, I don't knowJerry.

Just, uh, give me overnight
to, you know, think about it.

Oh,yeah. I'm beginning
to understand now.

L-lt's a lot of money,
and, uh...

you have to get, uh, permission, huh?
[Chuckles]

- You mean- You mean, from Emily?
- Yeah.

No, it's-it's my decisiomjerry.
I can do whatever I want.

Sure you can.
Sure. Look, uh-

Why don't you just, uh...

take this picture along,
show the bike, you know, to Emily.

Well, maybe I'll take the picture along.
I mean, it's still-

it's still my decision.
Uh, I'll just, uh-

I'll just take
the bike partjerry...

and why don't you hold on
to Victoriajugman?

Right.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi, Bob.

You'rejust in time
for crepes chicken marengo.

Really?

You know, I was smiling coming home,
just thinking to myself...

“How long has it been since we've
had crepes chicken marengo?“

Bob, we've never had
crepes chicken marengo.

- Maybe that's why I was smiling.
- [Laughs]

What's the, uh-
the yellow glop?

That's the marengo.

- Well, where's the chicken?
- No, there's no chicken.

You see, this recipe
calls for chicken soup.

Looks to me like
it's screaming for chicken.

Bob, this is a budget recipe.

How much could a chicken cost?
A buck and a half?

You couldn't dance with a chicken
for a buck and a half.

Bob, everything is so expensive.
lfwe're gonna redecorate...

we've gotta start
cutting corners somewhere.

Uh, Emily, how much do we
have in the savings account?

Uh, we've got an armchair, uh, three quarters
of a sofa and a halfa hutch. Why?

Uh, I was thinking about
lendingjerry$ , .

- What?
- For a- a motorcycle.

$ , ?

Well, that includes tax,
license and scarf.

You think it's, uh,
stupid, don't you?

Well, BobJerry is your friend,
and it's your decision.

That's, uh-
That's what I told him.

It doesn't matter that it's the dumbest thing
I ever heard. You do what you want.

Well, it isn't a- It isn't
a bad-looking motorcycle.

It isn't a bad-looking thigh.
Whose is it?

- Ido/ft/mow
- Look, Bob, it's entirely up to you.

I mean, I know your feelings forjerry, and
friendship is more important than money, so-

I mean, I don't care whether
you loan him the money or not.

- I'm not gonna do it.
- Oh, thank God!

You know why? I mean,
loaning money to a friend...

is the surest way to
break up a friendship.

It happened to me when I was a kid
with my best friend, Frankie Hassinger.

I mean, everything
starts off great, you know...

and then the one who borrows the money starts
to resent the guy he borrowed it from...

- and before you know it, they're enemies.
- Well, makes sense to me.

You know, it's- it's been years since
I thought about Frankie Hassinger.

I don't even remember...

how much money
I borrowed from him.

And let me know
when the mail comes.

I'm expecting my copy Of
Psychology Today today.

No, Bob. You get your
Psychology Today tomorrow.

You get your
Tomorrow? Health today.

Andjerry
wants to see you.

Oh, yeah. We have to talk about something
privately. Have him come in, will you?

Are you going to?

- Am I going to what?
- Spring for the big ones?

You, uh- You know
about the motorcycle?

Unjerryjust
mentioned it in passing.

He only mentioned it
in his office.

Yeah. And I happened
to be passing.

I'm leaving.

Morning, Bob.

Well, what do you say?
I'll take cash, check or money order.

UhJerry, why don't we
talk about this privately?

- Me?
- Yeah.

Oh, uh, certainly.
I'll be outside if you need me.

I know. Passing.

- What do you think of the helmet?
- Dynamite.

Well, Bob, are you gonna,
you know, give me the money?

Well, uh,jerry, first of all,
I wanna tell you, I'm, uh-

I'm only doing this because I, uh-
lvalue our friendship.

- Yeah.
- It isn't the , -

$ , , Bob. See, I went
to the top of the line on the helmet.

This is the real thing.
It's a polyester resin shell...

and expended
polyurethane foam lining.

- Go ahead. Try it on.
- No.

Come on, Bob.
Get in the spirit.

Jerry, I don't want to
talk to you with the helmet.

Bob, you're gonna be part owner
of this helmet. At least try it on.

Hey, you look fantastic!

- N-No, I don't.
- No, you really do, Bob.

You're a natural.
Here, see for yourself.

- I look silly,jerry.
- You don't, Bob-

You know, I never realized this before.
You look a lot like Steve McQueen.

How about it, Bob? You gonna
let me have the dough?

You know,jerry, when friends
lend money to friends...

it always seems
to turn out-

Bob,just a simple
“yes“ or “no?

No.

Uhz/T/er/Jé"

I have a reason why
I came to this decision.

I had this friend,
Frankie Hassinger.

Jerry, in the long run,
I'm doing you a favor.

Frankie Hassinger
never understood either.

Hi, Mr. Berry.
Oh, Bob.

Bob, this is Mr, Berry,
your new patient.

Uh, Mr. Berry,
this is Dr. Hartley.

I mean, I- I just can't get over
the wayjerry acted.

He was sulking around,
pouting like a spoiled brat.

Ew-

What is this?
I'm not gonna eat this.

Bob, you love
bread pudding.

This isn't bread pudding.
It's dark brown.

I just decided to make it
with pumpernickel this time.

It didn't turn out
too good. Here, taste it.

I don't like bread pudding.
I just make it 'cause you do.

I appreciate it.

Hey, Bob. You wanna hear
some good news?

Jerrys gonna straighten
little Howie's teeth absolutely free.

Oh, really? Uh, there aren't
any strings attached, are there?

I don't think so.just the regular wires
and rubber bands.

Howard, uh,you didn't
agree to lendjerry...

$ , for
a motorcycle, did you?

, .

- Talk about inflation.
- Yeah, but that includes leather saddlebags.

And I get to drive the motorcycle as much
as I want until the loan is paid off.

- Doesn't that sound great?
- Have you givenjerry the money already?

- Uh-huh.
- Then it sounds great.

It's a once
in a lifetime opportunity.

Just like buying
the Brooklyn Bridge, huh?

Yeah, but the guy that
bought the Brooklyn Bridge...

isn't getting
his teeth fixed.

When is, uh,jerry gonna
pay you the money back?

Oh, its gonna work out great.
He's gonna pay me a $ every month.

Yeah, if he can
come up with it.

You know the deal?
It must be standard.

Well, I hope
it works out.

Yeah, it's gonna
be great.

I can't wait to twist the accelerator
and let 'er rip. You know?

[imitating Revving ] Therei am,
roaring down the Dan Ryan Expressway...

wind whistling
through my tattoo.

Your old lady behind you,
hanging on for clear life?

That's exactly the feeling.
You know, huh?

I've been there, pal.

And I'm
his old lady.

Well, I gotta meetjerry
in the showroom.

Well, I hope it doesn't
backfire, Howard.

Well, ifit does, we'll take it
right to the service department.

I don't know how long
it's gonna take...

but I guarantee you,
something's gonna hit the fan.

At least you and your old lady
won't be involved.

No, maybe you won't. But Howard andjerry
are my best friends, and I'm a psychologist.

When they start wanting to k*ll each other,
who is gonna wind up in the middle?

Robert Hartley, Ph.D.

Well, I'll just, uh...

find two new friends
and a new line of work.

The bread pudding business
looks wide open.

All my life, I've let this sister of mine
get away with everything.

Well, not anymore.

Mrs. Loomis, when did you
first learn...

that you and your sister were
interested in the same man?

Well, it was, um...

last Sunday, a week, when I brought
Larry home to meet Mother.

Bernice was all over him...

likea crow
on ajune bug.

Well, I'm afraid
our time is up.

Are you sure that Bernice
just wasn't being friendly to Larry?

Friendly? She was promising things
she couldn't deliver.

[Clears Throat]

I Typing]

Mrs. Loomis, I think we're
making real progress.

I'll say so. This is only
our third session...

and we're already dealing
with the basic urges.

Oh, wow!

That's what
I call a chopper!

Oh» yippee!

Well, Carol, here it is.
Take a look at it.

Jerry, really, you could
have brought a snapshot.

I'm not gonna leave this beauty down
on the street. I don't want it ripped off.

Besides, a very good friend of mine
put out a lot money for this.

Well, it's certainly one of the best-looking
choppers we've ever had on this floor.

Yep, she's really a beaut.
She's fast, reliable.

And she's always there
when you need it.

Better than
some people I know.

You know, Carol,
a thoughtjust struck me.

Only a fool would endanger
a friendship by getting mad at a friend...

because that friend had sense enough
not to loan money to a friend.

I'll bet you can't say that
three times fast.

Carol, the thoughtjust struck me that
the excuse of not loaning money to a friend...

is one of the oldest
excuses for hiding cheapness.

So we have a fool
and a tightwad.

Do I hear it for
ajerk and skinflint?

Well, if certain people are
willing to listen to reason...

I'm willing to talk.

Certain people can always talk.
Talk is cheap.

- Well, I've said all I have to say.
- Heard all I have to hear.

Ten-four, kids.

- Hi, Carol.
- Hi, Howard.

And I'm not too thrilled
with the patronizing attitude...

of a certain
receptionist either.

All she did
was say hello to me.

- Hi, Howard. Come on in.
- Oh, I can't.

I'm having lunch withjer.
We're gonna talk cycles.

You know, it's kind of a kickoff
luncheon for our new friendship.

- I'll catch you some other time.
- Sure.

- When you're not too busy.
- Maybe next month.

- Uh, about little Howie's appointment. I thought-
- Please, Howard.

Jerry saidjust bring Howie in.
Whatever he's doing, he'll drop it.

No appointments necessary.

What a great guy! I never had
a friend like that before.

We were friends.

Oh, we still are, Bob, or I wouldn't askyou
the question I'm about to askyou.

When I have this
motorcycle overnight...

I wonder if I could
chain it toyour car?

- Why can't you chain it to your car?
- My car's too small.

If they took my motorcycle,
they'd steal my car.

If it was chained to your car, they would just,
uh, tear off your bumper.

Sounds like a good deal to me.

Howard, I didn't wanna have anything
to do with the motorcycle.

That's why I didn't lendjerry
the money in the first place.

Yeah, but if I wanted to buy a motorcycle,
you'd lend me the money.

Absolutely not.

Boy, it takes something like this...

to find out who your friends really are.

- It sure does.
- Oh, yeah? Well,just forget it.

I'll chain my motorcycle
to somebody else!

Gee, that's too bad. I was looking forward
to losing my bumper.

- Can you believe those guys? There's
no winning with them. - I know.

- Oh, Bob. Can I askyou something?
- What?

Could I borrow $ ,
till payday?

[Crowd Cheering On TV]

- Are you bored, Bob?
- No, Emily.

You know I like to watch
sports on television.

Even Celebrity Soccer?

Yeah. I never knew the Three Stooges
were that coordinated.

Nice kick, Moe.

How come you didn't want
to go to the basketball game?

'Cause my seat's
right next tojerrys.

Well, maybejerry
isn't going.

Oh, I'm sure he's there.
I'm sure Howard's there.

They've become such close friends,
they're probably sitting in the same seat.

Well,you know, I'm glad you didn't
lendjerry the money.

I mean, pretty soon,
we'll be able to redecorate.

Yeah, we won't have any friends
to show it to though.

- They all think I'm a cheapskate.
- Honey, I have an idea.

Why don't we go out to dinner?
I thinkyou'll feel better.

You think I'll feel better 'cause I'll be
able to loosen my purse strings, right?

Oh, honey, don't snap at me.
I'm your friend.

Yeah, you're right. I can't afford
to lose any more friends.

- Have you got your wallet?
- Yeah, I got it.

All I have to do
is dust off the cobwebs.

[Vehicle Approaching

Hi, Howard.
Sorry I'm late.

Just three hours.
I'm having fun down here.

You know what I found out
about this place?

- See where it says ' “ clearance?
- Yeah.

Well, actually
it's ' “.

I measured it times
with my comb.

Look, I said I was sorry.

That's okay. That's okay.
How was the race?

- I got buried.
- Yeah.

It sure looks like it.

Look, when you get a chance,
ride it through a car wash, will ya?

- Yeah.
- And, uh, be careful going into fourth.

I think I bent the linkage
on the th lap.

- Sure. Sure. - Look, here's the
schedule for the rest of the month.

You get half the days,
I get the other half.

- How come my days are during the week?
- They are not.

Here, you got a Saturday, uh, there.
Right over there. A Saturday morning.

And next month,
you get all the weekends.

Yeah, but next month
I'm gonna be in Paris.

C'est/a vie.
[Chuckles] I gotta be going.

- Hold it! Hold it! Whoa. Whoa.
- What?

- The helmet.
- Oh, yeah. You know, I've been thinking, Howard.

You oughta
get your own helmet.

Yeah, but the helmet
was part of the deal.

It was, but I don't
wearyour socks.

Besides,
you can afford it.

Not if you don't
pay me my money, I can't.

Oh, boy.
I was waitin' for that.

Here it is.
Here's your check.

Now I owe you
$ , .

- What's that $ ?
- $ .

I thought it was
supposed to be $ .

Well, it's $ off
for your half...

of the monthly installment
on the insurance.

- We're paying $ a month for insurance?
- Howard...

if you're gonna race a motorcycle,
you gotta insure it to the hilt.

- Yeah, but I don't race.
- I can't help it if you're chicken.

Now, will you
give me a ride home?

Whoa! Wait a minute. You're not
getting in my car looking like that.

- Huh?
- Here. Here's a quarter. Take a bus.

Now you owe me
$ , . !

You know, if we weren't such good friends,
I'd wrap those handlebars around your neck.

Yeah, well, they're not your handlebars.
They're my handlebars.

- This motorcycle is officially repossessed.
- Oh, yeah?

How'd you like it if I repossessed
your son's retainers?

- He could wind up like Dracula.
- I'm gonna take my son to your office...

and have him take a bite
out of your throat.

- Hi,fellas.
- Hi. Hi.

Yeah, we were
just pretending...

what it would be like
if we were angry at each other.

If things weren't going
as well as they're going.

Yeah.just telling
vampirejokes.

Well, we, uh-
we'd better get to dinner.

Uh, there seems to be a motorcycle
blocking our car.

Yeah. I don't know who
owns the motorcycle today...

- but whoever it is, would you mind moving it?
- Yeah. Yeah.

No, I got it.

Uh, why don't I take you two to dinner?
I'm buying.

If the check
doesn't bounce!

How'd you like it
if I bounced it off your head?

I guess you're pretending
to be angry again, right?

- [jar/y] That'; right.
- Well, it's very convincing.

- Yeah, well, I'm not pretending.
- It he's not, I'm not.

- Uh-huh.
- I suppose you're gonna say “I told you so,“ huh?

Oh, no, no. Bob's not the kind of guy
who would say something like that.

Yes, I am.

I'll say it again.
I told you so.

You know, when start putting
a price tag on friendship...

you find out your friendships
aren't worth a nickel.

That's beautiful, Bob.
Did you just think of that?

No, Frankie Hassinger
said it to mejust before he...

bit me
in the neck.

[Honks]

Good morning, Carol.
Who's my first appointment?

Mrs. Loomis, Bob.
She's in your office.

Oh, fine.

Good morning.

I thought you said
she was in the office.

She was.

Which one of you
is Dr. Hartley?

Uh, Mrs. Loomis, don't-
don't you remember me?

I am not Mrs. Loomis.

I'm Bernice,
her sister.

Oh, you're, uh-
y-you're twins.

That's right. Only she
looks a lot older.

She stole my boyfriend.

Now, take it easy, Bernice.

Now, you just take it easy.
It's between her and me.

I followed her here, sol know
she's got to be... here.

Come out of there,
you little tramp!

[ Mews]