06x02 - Ex-Con Job

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Bob Newhart Show". Aired: September 16, 1972 –; April 1, 1978.*
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Comedian Bob Newhart portrays a psychologist whose interactions with his wife, friends, patients, and colleagues lead to humorous situations and dialogue.
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06x02 - Ex-Con Job

Post by bunniefuu »

Well, Dr. Hartley, how
do you like prison so far?

Well, it's a nice
place to visit.

I certainly wouldn't
want to live here.

Yeah.

You'll have to excuse me,

but when I'm nervous,
I make bad jokes.

Well, don't worry, Doctor.

If any of these guys give you
any trouble, I'll be right outside.

Around here, they
call me The... Hammer.

Well, if it ain't The Hammer!

Come on. Come on, you guys.




- Knock it off!
- She shined
your shoes, eh?

One of these days,
you're gonna go too far.

Hey, Kojak!

Remember what
I said, Dr. Hartley.

I'll be right outside.

That's very comforting.

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

Uh, you the shrink?

Yes, that's right, Mr... Tatum.

I'm a psychologist. My
name is Dr. Robert Hartley,

and you can call me
anything you want.

I see "The Hammer"
has been taken already.

The warden has
invited me here...

to sort of try...




The warden has invited me
here to conduct a seminar

to sort of prepare you men

for the day when you're going to
leave the prison and re-enter society.

And in the next few
weeks, we're going

to try to prepare you
for the challenges

you can expect with
your new independence.

Are there any questions so far?

Why are you here?

I thought I just covered that.

Oh. Nice job.

Uh, gentlemen, I think we
could communicate better

if maybe we got a
little closer together.

Well, I know I'm gonna
sound like a complainer,

but maybe this is
just a little too close.

Why don't I get a chair?

There. I think that's better.

All right, why don't we start
by introducing ourselves?

Okay, Bob. I'm Steve Kopelson.

Harvard. Class of '49.

Debating team.

Have a lovely wife and daughter,

and I'm not a crook.

Good. Good, Mr. Kopelson.

My name is Reuben Ortiz,

and I am here unjustly.

I am a political prisoner.

What did you do?

I stole the mayor's car.

Mr. Brolio?

You want to tell us
something about yourself?

My lawyer's name
is Herman Shapiro.

Well, you see, I'm not
here in an official capacity,

so anything you said would
be held in strictest confidence.

Herman Shapiro.

Would you like to
add a bit to that?

Herman K. Shapiro.

Well, I hope in the next few
weeks you'll feel like talking more.

Otherwise, I can't be
of much help to you.

Jive.

You wanna go with
that, Mr. Tatum?

How you gonna help us, Jack?

You don't even
speak our language.

Well, I don't think that's true.

You a suit that's fat-mouthin',

'cause you ain't hip to
what's code in the joint

or what's tight out in
the street, man, you dig?

I'll be darned. You are right.

If there are any
communications gaps,

I'm sure I can close them
up during our sessions.

Uh, Mr. Hawkins, we
haven't heard from you yet.

Uh, my name is Richard Hawkins,

and before being incarcerated,

I was the owner of my own little
business in my own community.

What business was that?

I was the proprietor

of Gloria's Swedish Massage.

We was run out of
business for false advertising.

What was the problem?

Well, sir, uh, there
was no Gloria.

Nobody was from Sweden,

and nobody ever got a massage.

They caught me
on a technicality.

Mr. Tatum, what did
you do on the outside?

I was president
of General Motors.

Uh, Mr. President.

Mr. Tatum, everybody has been
very open and honest about it.

Why don't you?

Okay.

I took a record album...
That isn't so bad.

That was on a
stereo... Yeah, but still.

That was on the
back seat of a Buick...

Ah.

That I had filled with
color TVs and cameras.

And, man, I don't know why
the police didn't believe me

when I told 'em it
came fully equipped.

We all make mistakes.

I think the important thing is
that we put our crimes behind us.

"Us"? Hey, what you mean, "us"?

What law did you
ever break, Hartley?

Well, it's not important.

Oh, no-no-no. Come on, tell us.

What law did you break, man?

Well, when I was young,
I went to a baseball game.

It was the ninth inning,

and some of the
people started to leave,

and I snuck down
to the better seats.

Oooh!

Man, this dude is dangerous!

Hi, Emily.

Oh, Howard, I'm glad
to see you. Come on in.

Howard, sit down

and tell me what you
think of this letter, okay?

"Dear Gentlemen:

"Just who do you think you are?

"Let me tell you who you are.

"You are people who know
nothing about making toasters.

"Enclosed please
find four pieces

"of what you call
'light golden toast'

"and what I call
'charcoal briquettes.'

"The mistake was mine in assuming
that your product is a toaster at all.

"I see now it is an iron smelt.

"But you can rest assured that I'll
never use any of your toasters again

"unless I need
shingles for my roof.

"Sincerely, Emily Hartley."

Nice letter.

How do you get
your toast so crispy?

I just have a knack.

Ah. What's for dinner?

Oh, Howard, I only made
enough for two people.

I wasn't expecting you.

I don't know why I
wasn't expecting you.

Oh, that's okay. Where's Bob?

Oh, he's with his prison group.
This is their eighth meeting.

He's ready to go
over the wall. Or up it.

Been pretty rough, huh?

Yeah, but you know Bob. He'll
get that group all together soon.

Looks like the screws
roughed him up.

Somebody fix me
a drink and fix it fast.

I'll get it. I'll get it.
What do you want, Bob?

Scotch.

Oh, Howard, I'll have a Tom
Collins. Would you mix 'em?

If you say so.

Emily, the group is
just not responding.

Do they still bang their
cups across the bars

when they haven't
had enough slop, Bob?

Howard, this isn't
like an old movie.

Mr. Tatum is still the problem.

Whatever he does, the
rest of them follow suit.

Oh, isn't he getting
any more cooperative?

Well, actually, today
he wasn't any trouble.

He slept through
the entire session.

How long are you
gonna keep meeting?

Well, next week is our
last meeting, Howard.

We really haven't
made any progress.

You know, I'm
really thinking, Emily,

of extending the sessions
beyond the time they get released.

Bob, that's jive.

Where'd you hear that word?

Well, you've been
saying it in your sleep.

You know, continuing
these sessions

is like asking the warden
to extend your sentence.

Well, I don't know, Emily.

I'd like one more sh*t at it.

Howard, what is this drink?

You wanted Scotch, didn't you?

That's right.

- You wanted a Tom Collins.
- Yeah.

You asked me to mix 'em.

Well, gentlemen, this
is our final session,

and, uh, while we haven't
accomplished everything we'd hoped for,

It beats working in
that laundry room.

Look here. Look what
that place did to my hands.

Are you still using that
old-fashioned detergent?

You stop by later.
Use some of mine.

It's hard on dirt,

easy and gentle on your hands.

Oh, yeah? Is it lemon-scented?

Uh, gentlemen?

I think we're wandering
away from the subject.

Now, I asked you last week
to write out your future plans

when you get on the outside.
Who would like to be first?

Well, I'll get the
ball rolling, Bob.

Great.

I call this "What I Plan To Do

When I Get Out of Jail"

by Steve Kopelson.

"I'm looking forward to
rejoining my lovely family

"in our tastefully furnished
home in the suburbs.

"My lovely wife, Justine

and my lovely daughter, Corky.

"They have stood by me
through thick and thin."

Mr. Kopelson, how many
pages do you have there?

Well, including the
illustrations, Bob,

63.

Why don't I just
read that at home?

That would add six more
months to my sentence.

I heard that.

Good luck, Mr. Kopelson.

Uh, Mr. Brolio, you
want to be next?

"Herman K. Shapiro."

Right on.

Thank you for
going to the trouble

to write it out.

Mr. Ortiz, how about you?

"When I get out,

I want to work for Dolly
Parton in some capacity."

Mr. Hawkins, you
want to go next?

"When I get out of this pigsty,

"I'm going to motor
over to Loretta's."

Ah, now there's
a man with a plan.

"I'm gonna wine her..."

Uh-huh.

"and dine her "and
take her to my pad."

- Oh!
- Si, si, si, si.

"I can't wait to feel her
hot breath against my face."

Oh, yeah, baby.

- "I'll grab her..."
- Mm-hm.

"and I'll hug her..."

- Mr. Hawkins, Mr. Hawkins.
- "and hold her in my arms..."

I don't think we have
to hear any more.

Gonna read that one
at home, too, huh, Doc?

I thought maybe at the office.

It might break up
Mr. Kopelson's report.

Uh, Mr. Tatum,
you want to go next?

Hey, don't worry about me, Jack.

Mr. Tatum, everybody else
has shared their plans with us

so how about you?

Okay.

I'm gonna privilege you
gentlemen by showing you my act.

Oh, I didn't know that you
were in show business, Tatum.

Sure, man. Before I got busted,

I was a member of the singing
group called the Zephyes.

You was in the Zephyes, man?

Yeah, man. You heard of us?

No.

Well, you will,

'cause we gonna
make it right to the top.

In fact, I just wrote
our first big hit.

You do the words.
I'll do the rest.

I-I can't sing.

Well, just read 'em, man,
and wait for your cue.

♪ Ooh, la-la Ooh, whoo-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, la-la Ooh, whoo-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, la-la Ooh, whoo-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, whoo-ooh ♪

"Hey, little mama, I'm
comin' home to you."

♪ To you, to
you-who-hoo-who-hoo ♪

♪ To you, to
you-who-hoo-who-hoo ♪

♪ To you, to
you-who-hoo-who-hoo ♪

"Gonna boogie for a
ride on your soul train."

♪ Chug-chug all night long ♪

♪ Chug-chug all night long ♪

♪ Chug-chug all night long ♪

♪ Chug-chug all night long ♪

♪ Chug-chug-chug
all night long ♪

♪ Whoo! With you ♪

"Doo-wah."

Well, that certainly sounds
like a winner to me, Mr. Tatum.

Hey, Tatum.

Why don't you put Doc
Hartley in your act, man?

Doc got soul.

Next time you gents hear that,

it will be number one.

Well, I want to wish you
gentlemen a lot of good luck.

Um, I have an
announcement to make.

As you know, the group hasn't
made such great progress,

and I wondered if you'd consider
possibly continuing the group

after you get out.

I know you don't want

to rush into a
decision like this.

Why don't I give you a
little time to think it over?

Excuse me, Dr. Hartley,
but the time is up.

I have to take these
prisoners to chow.

Oh, all right. Well, we're done.

I hope to see you
gentlemen very soon.

- Be cool, Doc.
- Take care, Dr. Hartley.

Okay, let's form a single line.

Ah, The Hammer!

Police brutality! Don't
b*at me! Don't b*at me!

- Hey, Hammer.

- Keep your pants
on, hey, Hammer?

♪ Train on the track Whoo ♪

♪ Chug chug Train
on the track Oo ♪

Lady? You pushed
the button for this floor.

Aren't you gonna get off?

Didn't I?

Thank you, kind stranger.

I'm not myself today.

I just came from a luncheon
shower for a girlfriend.

While she was getting showered,

I was getting pickled.

Well, good luck, lady.

Oh, thank you, kind person.

Oh, hello, Mr. Desk.

Hello, Mr. Chair.

Well, better get to work.

Think I'll mail me some letters.

Well, where did...

Oh, Carol, I have
to go downstairs.

My prison group
is due any minute.

If I'm not here
when they get back,

just have them go in my office.

Very well, sir.

How did these get in here?

I missed the chute.

Time for a little typing.

Hello, Mr. Typewriter.

Oh, this is gonna be fun.

r*pe!

I'm, uh,

I'm looking for
Dr. Robert Hartley.

Would you come
over here, please,

where I could get a look at you?

Sure.

I'm a member of
the prison workshop.

Could I ask you just one
teeny, teeny, little favor?

Certainly.

Could you unroll me
from this typewriter?

My pleasure.

Oh! The other way, you idiot.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry.

Thank you.

Now just wait in there
and he'll be with you,

and remember, everything in
that office has been counted.

Uh, Carol, has my
group arrived yet?

Good.

I don't know why, but I'm, uh,

you know, I'm very
nervous about this meeting.

Aren't you gonna wish me luck?

Where are the others?

I'm afraid I'm it, Bob,

but I'm hoping what
I lack in number

I'll make up for in enthusiasm.

They, uh, they didn't show up?

No. I thought we
could get started

with me bringing you up to date

on what's happened
to me since I got out.

It's been a busy week.

Mine is not a simple life, Bob.

"I began my first day of freedom

"by getting out of bed.

"I put on my slippers,

and I chose one of my
favorite robes from the closet."

It's blue, Bob.

It's got white piping

and a little monogram
over the pocket.

I can see why
that's your favorite.

Bob... how does this sound?

"Dear Gentlemen:

"Where do you get off telling me

"that I don't know how
to operate a toaster?

"I have been making
toast for a lot of years.

"Face the facts, gentlemen.
Your machine would ignite granite.

"I don't care that
you received a letter

from my neighbor, Howard Borden,

"complimenting your toast.

"I demand satisfaction
immediately.

"The next step is the courts.
Sincerely, Emily Hartley."

What do you think?

Well, I think your letter
would have a lot more sting

if your stationery didn't
have daisies all over it.

Oh.

Well, I crossed out
the "Hi from Emily."

How do you think
the words sound?

Well, it's certainly more interesting
than Mr. Kopelson's memoirs.

But then so is the
Milwaukee phone book.

Oh, Mr. Tatum. What a surprise.

- Come in.
- How you doin', Doc?

Well, I... Can I, uh,
get you anything?

Uh, yeah.

All your money!

Uh, well, I was thinking more,

uh, coffee, tea...

Hey, this is a holdup.
Up against the wall, Doc.

Now, come on, move it! You, too.

Come on, come on!

Um, Mr. Tatum, do you
know what you're doing?

Hey, you bet I do!

Now, come on. Lean forward
with your hands against the wall.

Don't act stupid and
you won't get hurt.

Is this your old lady?

Yes, this is my wife, Emily.

Emily, this is Mr. Tatum.

Hey, what's happenin'?

Oh, hi, it's a
pleasure to meet you.

Yeah, Bob's told
me a lot about you.

He did?

He said a lot of nice things.

Emily, this is a holdup,

not a cocktail party.

So where's your
money at, Hartley?

Oh, we don't-we don't have
any money in the house.

Damn. Well, what else you got?

My old lady's got some jewelry.

Old lady? Who are
you calling an old lady?

Emily, it's just a
figure of speech.

Come on, come on!
Where's the jewelry?

You can't have it.

- Oh, I can't, huh?
- No, you can't.

Okay.

What else you
got? I ain't choosy.

How about a toaster?

What?

Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.

Oh, my gosh!

Let me help.

Hey, who is this turkey?

This is our neighbor,
Howard Borden.

Howard, this is Mr. Tatum.

Well, I'd like to shake
your hand, Mr. Tatum,

but I'm busy
holding up this wall.

Why isn't he helping?

He's robbing us, Howard.

Well, he sure picked
a heck of a time.

Hey, come on. Come on!

Give me something
and let me split.

Look, this is ridiculous.
I'm not giving you anything.

I don't even think you have
a real g*n in your pocket.

I don't think you
came here to rob us.

Hey, that's jive! I did
come here to rob you.

And then you can turn me in.

Why?

Because I want to
go back to the joint.

I can't handle
this freedom, man.

Sit down.

I'll make some coffee.

Uh-uh. No.

If I can't get arrested here,

I'll go someplace else.

Uh, Mr. Tatum, I don't think
you came here to get arrested.

You could have gotten
arrested anywhere in town.

I think you came here
because you need help.

What?

You think I... Man...

Oh, you must... I'm
getting out of here.

Yeah.

I do.

Let's sit down and talk.

Will you guys cut the chatter?
This thing's starting to go!

Howard, you don't
have to hold up that wall.

Someone has to.

Hey, look, I know I really
hassled you before, Doc.

I'll just-just
forget it. Sit down.

We'll, uh, we'll start
from the beginning.

I need your help,
too, Mr. Tatum.

Yeah? How's that?

Well, I'd like to get through
to the rest of the group, too,

but I'll need your cooperation.
They seem to follow your lead.

Okay, Doc.

You teach me how to get a job,

being a black man with a
prison record and no education,

and I'll make you a big
man with the group. Dig it?

I dig it.

Solid on that.

How do you like
your coffee? Black?

You can call me "Tatum."

It's starting to go!

Howard, the wall is not falling.

No thanks to any of you!

If he can survive out here,

I can become president.
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