06x03 - A Jackie Story

[bunniefuu]

Ah, Bob. Glad you made it.

Uh, scotch and water.

Jerry, I can only
stay for one drink.

What's the rush?

Jerry, in a few minutes,
all the other offices

are gonna let out, and it's
gonna be very crowded in here.

Ah, that's when I love it:
Wall-to-wall secretaries.

You can hardly move
without feeling guilty.

Hold it, Bob. My radar
just picked up a UFO.

Unidentified Foxy Object.

Hi there. Jerry Robinson here.

Capricorn. What's your sign?

No trespassing.

Her mouth said no,

but her eyes said
"I like your style."

I must have... I must have
missed that part, Jerry.

Uh, Jerry, instead of sitting here and
watching you break women's hearts,

could we just have a drink and
talk about politics or something?

Sure. Sure, Bob. Sure.

Hold it. I'm about
to run for office.

Hi there, sweet thing.

How'd you like to boogie
on down with a guy

who really knows where it's at?

Well, he is kinda cute.

I'm uh... I'm married.

Oh, that's too bad.
Know any single guys?

Him.

That figures.

Well, last time I
wear this aftershave.

Jerry, it's not the
aftershave, it's you.

Me? Are you kidding?

Ha! If I were a girl,
I'd be crazy about me.

I'm sure you'd
make a nice couple.

Jerry, don't you think you
come on a little strong?

Are you telling me
how to get girls?

I'm not telling you
how to get girls.

I just think you ought
to change your attitude.

Something wrong
with my approach?

Well, it's great for
a kamikaze pilot.

Jerry, when you meet
a woman you like,

what's wrong with just a
nice, like, "How do you do?"

"How do you do?"

Look, I'm looking to meet a
sweetie here, not Grandma Walton.

It's Friday. Jerry's
got to be here.

Carol, I can't do this.

I've never asked
a man out before.

The first 10 or 11
times are the hardest.

Oh, there he is.

Over at that table
over by the bar.

Which one is Jerry?

Oh. Well, you see the one
who looks like a dentist?

Yeah. It's the other one.

Oh. Hey, he's kinda cute.

Listen, I feel kind of uncomfortable
asking out a perfect stranger.

Don't worry, Jackie, there's
nothing perfect about Jerry.

But he's a nice
guy. Now come on.

Well, hi, guys.

Oh, hi, Carol. Hi.

I would like you to meet
my friend Jackie Windsor.

We go to the same beauty shop.

She's been sneaking
in extra visits.

How do you do? I'm Bob Hartley.

Hello.

And this is Dr. Jerry Robinson.

How do you do?

Jerry, would you like to go
to a concert with me tonight?

Bob, you're a genius!

Well, Mr. James,
it's always a pleasure

to start a relationship
with a new patient.

I don't have to ask you
what business you're in.

Sit down.

Is it all right if I sit here?

Fine. Wherever...
Wherever you're comfortable.

Well, uh, what seems
to be the problem?

Well, Doctor, uh...

Frank here wants
to break up the act

and go out on his own.

The, uh... the dummy...

The, uh, dummy wants
to go out on his own.

He says I'm holding him back.

Mr. James, you,
of course, realize

that he can't do
anything without you.

Well, that's the
way it started, but...

Frank here has really
developed as an entertainer.

I think he's got what it
takes to be a star, a big star.

Well, thank you, Danny.

Why... why do you think Frank
wants to go out on his own?

Doc, I've outgrown
the man creatively.

Mr. James, are things...

going well professionally?

Yeah, we're just
starting to do great.

Well, possibly this fantasy
you have about Frank leaving

is basically because
you're afraid of success.

He's terrified, Doctor,
and not just of success.

He's scared to try anything new.

Last night we put the "glass
of water" trick in the act.

Oh, yes, I've seen that
one. How'd it work out?

It was perfect.

No, it wasn't, Danny.

I didn't want to
say anything but...

you were supposed
to drink the water.

And that's when
you decided to...

And... and that's when you
decided to... to leave the act.

You got it, Doc.

Say, listen, why don't you
give us a minute by ourselves?

Grab yourself a cup
of coffee, will you?

You, uh... you want...
you want me to go outside?

Do I stutter, Doc?

Okay. Uh... Fine. I'll, uh...

I'll be right outside
if you need me.

Love ya, Doc.

Bob?

Did you leave a patient
in there by himself?

Kind of, yeah.

Uh, Carol, do we
have any coffee?

No, we're all out. Too bad.

If you really want some, I mean, I
could go downstairs and get you a cup.

Thank you, Carol.

My pleasure.

Ah, Bob, I gotta talk to you.

Jerry, don't...
don't go in there.

I have a patient in
there, and they're...

talking.

Or we can talk out here.

Good. It's about Jackie.

Oh, uh, Carol's,
friend. How'd that go?

Oh, Bob, the concert
was just the beginning.

Jerry, you don't have
to tell me all the details.

Yes, you do!

Excuse me, Bob.

Bob, it was the time of my life.

It was like we were the only two
people in the world, all weekend.

Glad to see you so happy.

I have never been so
miserable in all my life.

That's another way
of dealing with it.

I just know she's getting
ready to dump me.

Has she said something?

Bob, when you've been
dumped as often as I have,

you learn to
recognize the signs.

Jerry, possibly
you're just imagining it.

Bob, pretend you're
a psychologist.

I'll, uh, give it a try, Jerry.

Now you telling me
if it's my imagination

after you watch Jackie
and me together tonight.

Tonight? Yeah.

You and Emily, Jackie, and I
are going to dinner at Madison's.

Is that okay? I guess so, yeah.

Good. Now all I have to
do is ask Emily and Jackie.

Oh, uh, Mr. James, how'd it go?

Uh, not too well.

That's too bad.

Well, why don't we go back in

and pick it up from
where we started?

Uh, not right now, Doctor.

Frank said he'd like
to talk to you alone.

Your filet mignon, sir.

And the diet plate for the lady.

Nice to find a restaurant
that still serves crabgrass.

Enjoy your dinner.

Jerry, this stroganoff
is delicious.

Thank you for recommending it.

How's your steak, honey?

It's a little rare.

A little rare?

If you waved your napkin
in front of it, it might charge.

Why don't you send it back?

No, I'll just...
I'll eat the ends.

Hope you had a big lunch.

Yesterday, Jerry and I had

the craziest lunch.

Peanut butter and
banana sandwiches

with champagne.

Maybe if I just pass this over
that candle a couple times.

Bob, why are you
sitting there with a steak

that has never been
near anything warm?

Because if I send it back,

by the time I get it back
you will all have finished,

and I'll be sitting
here alone eating,

and you'll be staring at me.

I'll send it back. Excuse me?

Everything is satisfactory?

Uh, everything except the steak.

It's a little on the rare side.

But you distinctly
said "Medium-rare."

If you wanted it cooked well,

you should have
specified medium.

This is medium-rare.

Yeah, well... you see...

sometimes whey
you want it medium,

they cook it more than medium,

and then it's too late.

But see, this way,
we've caught it in time.

In time for what?

In time for you to
take it back to the chef

and have him cook it
not medium, not rare,

but medium-rare.

Medium-rare.

Medium-rare Very well, sir.

And make it snappy.

You're so cute when
you're merciless.

In the meantime, honey,
you want some stroganoff?

No.

Oh, uh, save some
room for dessert.

The chocolate mousse
here is magnifique.

I better skip dessert

or I'm gonna end up
modeling pup tents.

Uh, Emily, are you
gonna finish your garnish?

No, I'm trying to cut down.

You know, modeling
isn't all glamour.

I mean, Jackie works
very hard at her job.

Oh, I bet there's a lot
of pressure in that job.

I mean you have to smile all
the time, no matter how you feel.

Well, smiling is something
you just have to learn

if you want to be a
model, or a president.

Jerry, uh...

how may peas would
you say you have there?

I don't know. I didn't
stop to count 'em.

How many would you
have to lose before you felt...

Oh! Oh! Here. Bob, have
some peas. There you go.

Jackie, are you sure
that's enough food for you?

Yes. Actually, I'm full.

Uh, Bob, would you like
some of my watercress?

Maybe just a taste.

Jerry, would you excuse me?

Oh! Sure. I'll be right back.

Listen, darling,
if the waiter asks,

I'd just like a cup
of coffee for dessert.

I'll let you taste my mousse.

Okay.

Well, Bob, what'd I tell you?

Gone.

Jerry, she just went
to the ladies' room.

If that's all it was, Bob, she
would have taken Emily with her.

Women always do that in pairs.

I'm telling you, she
is out to ditch me.

Jackie is obviously
crazy about you.

It looks like she's
having a great time.

Come on, Bob, you
heard what she said.

She can smile no
matter how she feels.

Oh, Jerry,

aren't you taking this
thing a little too far?

As far as they've
taken my steak.

Emily, I was a fool to
think that a beautiful model

could fall for a dumb dentist.

Jerry, you're putting
her up on a pedestal,

and you're throwing
yourself in the gutter.

I mean, she's just a
person, and so are you.

And a very desirable
and attractive man.

Well, you're right there.

I mean... I'm as good as she is.

Of course you are.

It's like you said, Bob.

She's just another person.

I mean, where does she get
off making me squirm like this?

Who does she think she
is? Who does she think I am?

What does she think she's
doing, stringing me along like this?

Sorry I took so long.
Did you miss me, hon...

That does it! Nobody
makes a fool out of me!

What does he mean, nobody
makes a fool out of him?

Uh, Jerry's the kind of guy who
likes to make a fool of himself.

Here you are.

Medium-rare.

Perfect!

Mr. James, very often a
ventriloquist is a shy person,

and he represses
his true personality

and then puts that
personality in the dummy.

What sort of therapy do
you recommend for, uh...

I... I really think you ought
to try a trial separation.

I think for the
next couple weeks,

you should come in
for the session... alone.

That's perfect. I'll
make sure he shows up.

That's a step in
the right direction.

You want to work out with
Carol next week's appointment?

Thank you very much, Doctor.

Say, Doc.

Yes, Frank?

See that I get the bill.

I'd, uh, feel better about it.

Sure, Frank.

Ciao!

What's for dinner
tonight, Emily?

Feelings Nothing
more than feelings

What happened, Bob,
you swallow your radio?

No, I was... ahem...

Jerry, I, uh, want to talk
to you about last night.

Say no more, Bob.

I came to apologize
for last night.

I am sorry. You
should be, Jerry.

Jackie deserves better
treatment than that.

She's the one you
should apologize to.

I already did. I
sent her a telegram.

Don't you think a telegram's
a little impersonal, Jerry?

I also sent her a can
of Macadamia nuts.

She loves those. How romantic.

Say it with nuts.

Jerry, I think you're just
trying to avoid seeing her.

I don't want to see her,
Bob. I broke up with her.

And you know, I feel terrific.

Come on, let's go
to lunch. I'll buy.

Okay.

If you stay for the whole meal.

Oh, hi. Hi, Jackie.

Bob.

Hi, Jackie, I guess you
came to see Carol. She...

No, actually, Jerry,
I came to see you.

Well, I guess you
two want to be alone.

Why don't you stay, Bob?

Ahem. Did you get my telegram?

Nice touch. Nuts.

Did I leave my
lights on in the office?

No.

Look, Jackie,
there's really nothing

to talk about.

We're just one of those things
that happens over a weekend.

I don't understand,
Jerry. Can't we talk?

Look, it was just
one of those things.

Just one of those crazy things.

One of those bells
that now and then rings.

It was... it was...

A trip to the moon
on gossamer wings.

What happened? I mean...

I thought things
were going really well.

The party's over.
Time to call it a day.

If I wanted that kind
of explanation, Jerry,

I could have put a
quarter in a jukebox.

That, uh, wasn't easy to do.

That wasn't easy to watch.

I'm gonna make
sure Jackie's all right.

Uh, Jerry, it's
your life, you know,

and I don't want to interfere,

but girls like Jackie don't come
along every day of the week.

I need my freedom, Bob.

You can't put a collar
on a hummingbird.

But you can put a
muzzle on a jackass.

Sure nice of you guys to
have me over for breakfast.

I got the idea when
you knocked on our door

with your cereal bowl.

I'll get it.

Don't know who that could be.

Couldn't be me, I'm here,

Okay if I come in?

Of course.

Jerry, you look like
you've been up all night.

I've been up all
night. You look it.

Why don't you come on in, huh?

Jerry, shall I fix
you some breakfast?

No, I can't eat. I came to talk.

There's only, uh, one
person I feel like I can talk to.

Why don't we, uh...

Why don't we talk
in the den, Jerry?

You're not that person, Bob.

Oh.

Women problems, right?

It shows all over your face.

Yeah, we single guys
gotta stay together.

She walked all over you, right?

Howard... Oh, come on.

Come clean.

She dragged you
right down in the dirt.

She made you
feel like two cents.

Howard... Just spill your guts.

Don't be ashamed to cry.

I don't want to talk to
you, either, Howard.

Why did you drag me into this?

I came to see you, Emily.

That's dumb. What does
she know about women?

I'd be happy to
talk to you, Jerry.

Why don't we, uh, have
our breakfast in the den?

Okay. Uh, what do
you want to watch?

"Wonderbug" or
"The Flintstones?"

Emily, I want an honest opinion.

How come every time I start
a relationship with a woman

something comes
along to screw it up?

I mean, look at Jackie and me.

You know, you'd have a
lot more luck catching girls

if you'd stop running from them.

What's the sense
of sticking around?

I mean, she could never love me.

How do you know that?

I mean, you never
gave her a chance.

Jerry, you know who
you remind me of?

Hmm? Cyrano.

Cyrano? What are
you talking about?

The play, "Cyrano de Bergerac."

That was about a
swordfighter, wasn't it?

No, no. Jerry, Cyrano was
much more than a swordfighter.

I mean, he was a man
who had everything.

He was talented. He was
witty. He was charming.

But he had no confidence in
himself when it came to women.

I can understand that.

You see, all his life,

he loved a woman named Roxane,

and he wanted
her to love him, too.

He wrote her
beautiful love letters

in anther man's name, and...

well, she loved him so much,
she married the other man.

But Cyrano wrote those letters.

That's right, Jerry,

and it wasn't until years later

when Cyrano and
Roxane were old and alone

that she discovered
that he wrote those letters

and that it was him that
she'd loved all along.

I mean, it was so sad because...

he never told her he loved her,

and he cheated himself

out of a chance
for a life together.

He d*ed in her arms.

And her last words to him were,

"It was you all along."

It was him all along?

MM-hmm.

Why didn't he tell her?

Because he was afraid, Jerry.

Just like you are.

Jerry!

This is our place you
know, Jackie and me.

This is where I met her.

This is where I lost her.

Jerry, why don't
you give her a call?

Bob, Jackie and I are history.

Love's not like a
tennis game, you know?

You only get one serve.

Your doubles
partner just walked in.

Oh, no. I can't let her
see me here with you.

You're not exactly the high
point of my week, either.

What I mean is, Bob, I can't let
her see me here without a date.

It'll look like I'm not
having a good time,

like I can't get
my mind off of her.

Wouldn't want her to get
the wrong idea, would we?

Jerry, you've been coming here
three nights hoping to run into her.

Now there she is. Go
over and talk to her.

I think I'll go over
and talk to her.

What am I gonna say?

You'll think of something.

Right. You get rid of Carol.

Me? Why me?

I can't do everything, Bob.

What am I gonna say?
You'll think of something.

Be subtle.

Hi. Carol: Oh, hi.

Carol and I are leaving.
Jerry wants to talk to you alone.

Good idea.

Hi, Jackie. Uh...
mind if I sit down?

Sure.

So, uh... how's it going?

Fine.

And you? Fine.

Fine. Fine. Fine.

Miserable.

Jackie, I'm sorry
about all this.

I was a jerk to run
out on you like that.

I really like you, Jackie.

Well, you certainly have
a funny way of showing it.

Why did you drop me, Jerry?

I was afraid that you
were gonna drop me.

And why would you think that?

Because you're a woman.

And I'm Jerry Robinson.

Falling in love scares
the daylights out of me.

You never gave yourself
much of a chance, did you?

But I'd like to give us
a chance, starting now.

I promise I won't
run out on you.

What do you say?

I'm sorry.

But the whole thing really was
a mistake from the beginning.

Good-bye, Jerry.

It was... just one
of those things.

Check?

How was that for
a rejection, huh?

Got it out of your system?

Now, can we stop playing games?

Oh, I'd love to stop
playing games, Jackie.

Good. And from now on...

I'll trust you, Jackie,
and I will trust me.

Oh, I'm glad, Jerry.

Hey, I've got a great idea. Huh?

How about dinner at my place?

Terrific. Good.

Just let me go to the
ladies' room to freshen up.

Great.

I'll go with you!