06x05 - Carlin's New Suit

[bunniefuu]

Oh, Emily, the dinner
tonight was delicious.

I don't know how you managed
to make that squash so tasty.

It was broccoli.

That's your secret.

Where's the sports
page? I'm reading it.

Why?

I wanna learn about sports
so we can talk about it.

Bob, what's a free agent?

A free agent is an athlete

who's completed his
contract with a particular team,

and he's now available to
play for some other team.

Well, how does the
other team sign him up?

They bid on him.

Doesn't bidding
drive the prices up?

Of course it does. That's...
that's the reason for it.

Oh. Then why do they
call him a "free agent?"

I mean, shouldn't they call
him an "expensive agent?"

No, uh, free, uh...
Free refers to being,

uh... free... not free.

Good, Bob.

That really clears it up for me.

Bob, look at this.

It's a picture of Mr. Carlin.

What's he doing
in the newspaper?

It's an article here.

He's gonna build a new
shopping mall on the North Side.

Gee, that's a
good picture of him.

It's a ground-breaking ceremony.

He looks kinda...
rugged and wind-swept.

It's his outdoor toup.

"When asked how he
felt about ripping out

"one of the city's most beautiful
parks to build a shopping complex,

Elliot Carlin replied, 'You
don't have to mow concrete.'"

Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily. Hi, Howard.

Are you having, uh...
Having coffee before dinner?

No, we're having
coffee after dinner.

I don't suppose you have
something to tide me over till breakfast.

Would you like a cup?

No, it doesn't match my china.

I'll have some coffee, though.

So, how was your flight, Howard?

Terrible, terrible, terrible,
terrible. I hate those short hops.

Up and down and up and down.

Tokyo-Chicago, Tokyo-Chicago.

Sounds like a milk run.

It wasn't a complete loss.

Look what I bought
in Tokyo. It's a beeper.

Oh, a paging device.

I'll bet it's handy.

Yeah, sure. Well, I'm
glad you like it, Bob.

I got something for you, too.

I wonder what it could be.

A beeper.

I got it just in time.

It's starting to
make its first beep.

I think I wrapped the wrong one.

Here, this is yours.
This is mine, Bob.

I gotta call my
answering service

and see if there's
somebody trying to reach me.

Then I'll leave my name and
see if I have any messages.

Howard Borden
here. Yeah, thank you.

These are terrific, Emily.

I mean if you wanted to talk
to me, you could just beep.

If you wanna talk
to me, big boy,

all you have to
do is just whistle.

That's... that's unbelievable.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Right. I'm on my way.

Anything serious, Howard?

3 jumbo jets have
just been grounded.

Well, if they've been grounded,
why do they need you there?

Are you kidding? That
puts 35 airline stewardesses

at the Ramada Inn
with nothing to do.

See ya.

Bob, do you really
need that thing?

Are you kidding?
Of course I need it.

I mean now I can be reached
in case of an emergency.

You never have any emergencies.

I... I...

Emily, I have a
lot of emergencies.

Name one.

You want to know my
favorite emergency?

Why don't you just do a medley?

Well, scoff if you want, Emily.

But in my profession,

the more accessible you are,
the more successful you are.

Hi, Mrs. Hartley.
Hi, Dr. Hartley.

Mr. Carlin.

We were just reading
about you in the paper.

I know, and so
have a lot of people.

I hope I'm not, uh,
interrupting anything,

but, uh, this is sort
of an emergency.

An emergency you say?

Not another one.

Well, I'll just leave you
alone with your patient

like I always do when
you have an emergency.

Why don't we sit
down, Mr. Carlin?

Okay. What's that thing?

Oh, it's an electronic
beeping device.

It's an invaluable tool
for the professional man.

Whenever you have
a crisis in your life,

all you'd have to do is
just have me beeped.

I'll send you a
case of batteries.

What seems to be the problem?

Well, I want you to
be honest with me.

Really lay it on the line.

If somebody asked you how I do
with women, what would you say?

Well, uh... Loser city, right?

No, I wouldn't say that.

You're shy.

Sometimes you're somewhat
hostile toward women.

They tend to make
you feel inadequate,

insecure, inhibited.

I guess "loser city"
is pretty relevant.

Well, I've just been
hit with a paternity suit.

Of course, that's only
one doctor's opinion.

You have nothing to
worry about, Miss Brown.

Justice will be served.

The financial
responsibility will be affixed

to whom so ever is judged
the father of your child.

Now, if you could
just narrow it down

to some specific team in
the National Football League.

Okay. Okay.

I'll give you time
to think it over.

Bye.

Yes.

Woman: Mr. Carlin is here
to see you. Send him in.

Are you Earl Stanley
Plummer, attorney at law?

That's right.

I'm Elliot Carlin, pure
as the driven snow.

I see. And I presume
that this is your lawyer.

Plummer, this
case is such a joke.

I don't even need a lawyer.

This is my psychologist,
Dr. Robert Hartley.

Mr. Carlin, you
can't plead insanity

in a paternity case.

Mr. Carlin asked me to
appear here with him today

because he was under my care

during the period
of time in question.

Ah. So then you're here
more as an amicus curiae.

More or less, yes.

What does that mean?

That's a legal term
for... for what I am.

It means "friend of
the court," Mr. Carlin.

Exactly.

Dr. Hartley has records here

that will prove
this paternity suit

is nothing but a fraud,
a fiasco, and a frame-up.

Uh, sit down, please,
gentlemen. Sit down.

Mr. Plummer, what
does this... this woman

hope to gain by
filing a paternity suit

7 years after the fact?

My client, Leslie Greely,

has absolutely no
interest in Mr. Carlin

other than to obtain financial
support for her young son.

Just who do you think you're
dealing with, saw bones?

Uh, Mr. Carlin, I
believe "saw bones"

usually refers to a surgeon.

Oh, yeah?

What's for "lawyer?"

Uh, mouthpiece.

Mr. Plummer, I would
very much appreciate

at your taking a look at that.

Yeah, Plummer,
read those and weep.

That is the day-to-day account

of Mr. Carlin's thoughts,
words, and actions

during the month of July.

During the summer
that Mr. Carlin

allegedly met Miss Greely
in southern California,

he was under my daily care

at my office in Chicago.

"A rubber ducky?"

That's a family
heirloom, Plummer.

So in my professional opinion,

there would be no way that he could
have made it to southern California

much less made it... ahem...

Much... much less,
uh, met Miss Greely.

Well, that takes
you off the hook.

Well, it's been very
nice meeting you both.

Did you really go for 6 months
without removing your hat?

Well, I'm, uh, glad we were able

to clear this
matter up so easily.

Yeah, better luck
next time, Plummer.

Oh, excuse me, Mr. Plummer.
I thought you were alone.

That's all right. Come right in.

We were just finishing up.

Who's that, Plummer?

Oh, gentlemen, I'd like
you to meet Leslie Greely,

the young woman
we've been talking about.

How do you do?

Miss Greely, I'm afraid
that Mr. Carlin here

has conclusive proof as
to his absolute innocence.

So I'm gonna to have to
ask you to reconsider...

Mind your own business, Plummer!

Carol, what the
heck is going on?

Who is running that
dental supply office?

I mean, who is
running that place?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I sense that all is
not well in Jerry-land.

This is no joking matter, Carol.

I ordered 500 bibs
for my patients.

They were supposed to have
on them pictures of Tommy Tooth

fighting mean old
Mister Tooth Decay.

And what do they send me?

They send me lobsters.

Lobsters. Oh,
Jerry, that's too bad.

You must really be steamed.

That must have
put you in a pinch.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm just trying
to butter you up.

Maybe you don't understand.

Certain things are
sacred to certain people.

You're absolutely right.
It'll never happen again.

No more lobster jokes.

Just don't be such a crab.

Just straighten this out
bright tomorrow morning,

or you, Carol, are
gonna be in hot water.

Hi, Bob. How was lunch?

Very quiet.

My beeper's broken. Why, Bob?

I've had it for 3 days.

It hasn't even beeped yet.

Did you call the service again?

Yes, Bob, and they assured
me that you're beep-able.

Carol, I better make
sure this thing is working.

Uh, call the service and have
them put through a beep for me.

Okay, Bob. Who
shall I say is calling?

Uh, tell them...
tell them I'm calling.

Will do. One mercy
beep coming up.

Yes, Carol?

Bob, the service wants to know

if the call to
yourself is urgent.

Of course, it is. I want
to get ahold of myself

as soon as possible.

Okay. And, Bob, Mr. Carlin
and his family are here.

All right, all right.
Send them in.

Hello, Dr. Hartley.

Remember Leslie, the
woman I had my way with?

Of course. How could
I forget? Hello, Doctor.

Where's little Billy?

He's out saying
hello to Aunt Carol.

Dr, Hartley, I
wanted to come here

because I think
there are a few things

we have to
straighten out... today.

Fine, why don't you take a seat

and tell me what
seems to be the problem.

Oh, Dr. Hartley, somebody
seems to be beeping you.

Oh, it's... it's not important.

How do you know? It
could be an emergency.

It's just, uh... It's
just a routine beep.

Answer it.

Uh, this is Dr,
Hartley, number 96.

Thank you very much. Tell
him I'll get right back to him.

Who was it?

Uh, me.

You called yourself?

In a manner of speaking, yes.

I used to be that lonely.

Dr. Hartley, we've got
something to talk about.

Okay, Miss Greely.

I think I've made a mistake.

Mr. Carlin is not the man.

That's quite a
sudden turnaround.

Now, you don't have
to do that, sweetheart.

It's just that after spending
3 days with Edmund...

Elliot. Elliot...

I know that he's
not responsible.

Honey, you don't have
to protect me like this.

I'm not protecting
you. I'm protecting me.

I never would have gone
out with you in a million years.

To tell you the truth,
Doctor, Elwood is...

Elliot.

Elliot...

is nothing like the man
I remember being with.

He's nothing like any of
the men I've ever been with...

or hope to be with.

Miss Greely, it sounds like
you're withdrawing your suit.

That's right.

He was in Chicago, and I was in
Los Angeles that entire summer.

What's a few miles
when you're in love?

Miss Greely, would you mind
if I talk to Mr. Carlin alone?

Oh, sure.

And listen to your
doctor, Elmer.

Elliot!

Well, it's obvious you're
not the father of her child.

Of course not.

I don't think she's even

particularly fond of you.

I don't think she's
so hot, either.

Well, then what is it?

I like the kid.

And believe it or not,

he seems to like me, too.

I like being a father.

So what's the harm in that?

Well, this whole thing
started out as a fraud.

I think it's a mistake.

My whole life is
full of mistakes,

but this one keeps me company.

But what's it gonna lead to?

What's it gonna lead to?

I'm teaching this kid
everything I know.

Someday the sign will say

"Welcome to Chicago.

Carlin & Son, proprietors."

Excuse me,
Dr. Hartley, Billy is here.

Dr. Hartley, I'd like you
to meet my son, Billy.

Billy, nice to meet you.

How, uh... how are
you enjoying Chicago?

Well, the town's a little
soft on commercial property,

but we can sell a condominium
to every sucker with ears.

There's something
about that boy I like.

Bob, I'm so sorry I
got held up at school.

I hope you don't mind
eating this takeout stuff.

Oh, that's all right, Emily.

It'll be a nice change
of pace from... food.

It sure is heavily wrapped.

Yeah, I never saw a hamburger
with hospital corners before.

Mr. Carlin stopped by today.

Oh. How is bachelor father?

Uh, he's fine.

Leslie isn't seeing him anymore,

and she's withdrawn
the paternity suit.

Oh, I'm glad that's over.

Well, it isn't really over.

Mr. Carlin's
seeing a lot of Billy.

Oh, that's nice.

But, Bob, has
Elliot Carlin told Billy

he's not his real father yet?

Not in so many words.

In any words?

No words.

Emily, I think I'm
on to something.

It's a napkin.

Why would they
wrap paper in paper?

Maybe they thought I
wanted the dinner gift wrapped.

Can't turn back
now. I'm starved.

You know, Bob,

Elliot Carlin should really
tell Billy he's not his father.

I mean, the longer he waits,
the harder it's gonna get.

Emily, I... I can't tell
my patients what to do.

All I can do is point
them in the right direction.

Well, did you point Mr. Carlin?

Of course, I did.

Emily, I think I'm on
to something here.

Ketchup.

What is this, an
order of mummies?

You know, Bob,

there is more to a
father-and-son relationship

than foreclosing
mortgages together.

Now, if Billy should find
out in the wrong way,

he's gonna get hurt.

Well, maybe I
should talk to Billy.

Hold it. I think I've hit it.

A burger! Oh.

Perfect timing.

Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.

Oh, boy, burgers!
I love burgers!

Dig in, Howard. I always
order enough for 3.

Good. Uh, could you
pass the ketchup?

Well, let's take
it from the top.

Where would I go if
I were a hamburger?

You know what?
Mr. Carlin called today.

He wants to take our children
to the movie Saturday afternoon.

Oh, that's nice.

Little Howie should get
along great with Billy.

Little Howie can't make it.

I thought maybe you'd
like to go along, Bob.

That's not a bad idea. It'll
give me a chance to talk to Billy.

Why, sure, Bobby.

You can have supper
and sleep over if you like.

I'll sew nametags
in your business suit.

What's Howie doing?

Oh, nothing. He just doesn't want
to go to the movies with me anymore.

He says I ask too
many dumb questions.

Bob, have you
found anything yet?

Not a thing. Wait.
I have a plan.

Let's split up. We'll
go in separately.

If anybody finds anything,
they send up a flare.

How's your beeper working?

Fine. Fine.

Doesn't it drive you
crazy, that sound?

Boy, mine's beeping so much,

I'm starting to sound
like the Road Runner.

I'm getting used to it.

Let's face it, Hartley.

You're 46 and never been beeped.

I can't wait to see this movie.

You're gonna like
"Star Wars," Billy.

It'll give you some
idea of what your father

goes through every day
in the real estate business.

Don't you think you're stretching
things a little, Mr. Carlin?

I hope there's not a lot of that
kissing and smooching in this picture.

Yech. Why would
anybody want to kiss a girl?

Good way to stop
him from talking.

Wait a minute.

Don't you like girls, Billy?

Nah. What good are they?

Hey, Billy, I think
the time has come

for you to have
a man-to-man talk

about the facts of life.

Tell him, Hartley.

I think that's your
job, Mr. Carlin.

What are you guys talking about?

Well, uh, Billy, when...

When a man loves a woman...

Oh, you're talking about sex.

I'd rather have some popcorn.

Not me, I wanna hear about sex.

Well, uh, I'll get you some
popcorn when we go in the theater.

Uh, Billy, why don't
you come over here.

We'll have a little talk.

I'll hold your
place in line, Bob.

Well, you and Mr. Carlin

have been spending a lot
of time together, haven't you?

We sure have.

Dr. Hartley, why
does he go to you?

Well, uh, some
people have difficulty

dealing with complexities

and stresses of modern life.

You mean he's bananas?

No, I wouldn't say that.

Uh, I don't think Mr. Carlin

has any more problems
than the average man.

But he doesn't have any less.

What do you think of Mr. Carlin?

I think he's the greatest.

It's neat having a father,
like all the other kids.

You know, it's important to
have somebody to look up to, Billy,

in life.

You don't want to end up like...

You know, like someone
less fortunate than ourselves.

Where's the telephone?

I gotta call my service.

Any messages, Carol?

Oh, yeah, one, and it's urgent.

Mr. Carlin's coming
over. He's in a big hurry.

He said he can see
you for only 5 minutes.

Starting now.

What's the matter, Carol?

Haven't you ever seen a
rich man's knees before?

Leaving on safari, Mr. Carlin?

k*ll the jokes, curly.

It happens to be "Father and
Son Day" at the Lincoln Park Zoo.

Mr. Carlin, would
you come in my office?

Have a good talk with
Dr. Hartley, Dad. He's the greatest.

Don't get carried away, Billy.

Sit down, Mr. Carlin.

Oh, no, thanks. That cheap
fabric will stick on my thighs.

I guess you came
here to talk about Billy.

First of all, I want you to tell
me what a great father I am.

You and Billy seem
to be getting along fine.

Yeah, but his mother's
giving me a lot of heat.

She wants me to
tell him the truth

that I'm, uh, really
not the father.

That makes two of us.

I don't want to. You got to.

I mean he told me
Saturday he trusted you

more than anybody
else in the world.

Yeah, he does trust me.

That's why I don't
want to tell him the truth.

Mr. Carlin, the truth
never hurt anyone.

Oh, yeah?

You're short,
you talk in clichés,

and your beeper doesn't beep.

All right, it hurts a little.

Sit down, Mr. Carlin.

Mr. Carlin, I've been
your doctor for a long time,

and if I've ever given
you a piece of advice

that I thought was
really important, this is it.

You should tell Billy.

Maybe you're right.

Of course I'm right.

Okay.

Good luck.

Wait... wait a minute. I
think it's your job to tell him.

I... I don't want to tell him.

Besides, that's what
I'm paying you for.

I couldn't stand to see
the look on his face.

All right, I'll tell him.

Okay. And do a better job
than you did with the facts of life.

Billy?

Dr. Hartley has
something to say to you.

Well, good-bye, kid.

Nice knowing you.

Sit down, Billy.

Uh, no, thanks. The
fabric will tickle my thighs.

Billy, I have something
very important to tell you.

Mr. Carlin loves you very much.

I know that.

And, uh, secondly,

he's not your real father.

I know that, too.

And that doesn't bother you?

No.

How long have you known
he wasn't your real father?

I knew it all along.

But what the heck?
I don't have a father.

I might as well give the job
to someone who wants it.

And you don't think this will
change things between you?

Nah. We'll keep things
just the way they are.

You're a good kid,
Billy. Thanks, Hartley.

Hiya, Billy. Hi!

Can I still call you "Billy?"

Sure. Let's go to the zoo, Pop.

Hey, thanks, Hartley.
For once you didn't blow it.