06x06 - A Day in the Life

[bunniefuu]

Howard?

Man, on TV: That's the
market in a minute at 7:35...

Howard, wake up.

I think I just
overshot Pittsburgh!

What are you doing
in my apartment?

Howard, this is my apartment.

You fell asleep in front
of the television again.

Oh! I missed it!

The end of the movie?

Channel 9's
"Thought for the Day."

Now, I won't have one.

Howard, life is full of
little disappointments.

No, I think that was last
Wednesday's "Thought for the Day."

Well, I have to get
breakfast and get to work.

Oh, breakfast!
Breakfast! I'm so hungry!

I tell you, I could just...

Howard, keep it down.

This is Emily's
first day of vacation.

I want her to sleep.
She's really tired.

Boy, I can't wait to
get to my tennis lesson.

I'm gonna work on my forehand,
my backhand, and my footwork.

It's funny what a little
extra sleep will do for you.

Howard, did you fall asleep
in front of the television again?

Yeah, I'm afraid so.

You didn't miss your
"Thought for the Day," did you?

Yes, I did. Well,
tomorrow's another day.

I think that was two
weeks ago Wednesday.

Well, I'm gonna freshen up.

Hey, you know, this is my lucky
day. I don't have to make my bed.

Why don't you make that
your "Thought for the Day?"

Thank you, Bob.

You want some breakfast?

Uh, no, I'm gonna make
myself a health drink.

Bananas, papaya,
pineapple, mango.

Sounds like you gonna
eat Carmen Miranda's hat.

I though you were
gonna get some rest.

No, I decided to spend this
weekend getting in shape, Bob,

and this drink is a
very important part of it,

because you know,
Bob, you are what you eat.

You had to tell me that just
as I fixed a bowl of fruit flakes.

Get that, will you, sweetie?

Hello?

Hey, Peeper!

How you doing, Peep?
What do you say, Peep?

Guess who it is, Emily. Uh...

Uh, Peep, when are
we gonna see you?

We're meeting you in New
Orleans tonight for a week?

He says we're meeting him in
New Orleans tonight for a week.

Oh, come on, Bob. It's just
another one of his practical jokes.

Peeper, when did you start
drinking this early in the morning?

Well, that's crazy.

It's a beautiful city.

Great... great food. Music, too.

Al Hirt says he won't play
another note until I get there.

Listen, I've been
known as a wild man.

Ho ho. Yeah, you're a
real heck-raiser, Bob.

Uh, Peep, I can be spontaneous

if you give me a week or two,

you know, to plan it out.

I'm on old lady. Yeah,
well, I resent that, Peep.

I'm gonna tell you
tonight in person.

I'll see you in New Orleans.

Well, Emily you want to b*at
your feet on the Mississippi mud?

You know you hate to travel.

Usually wild horses
can't drag you away.

The Peep makes one phone call

and you're ready
to walk out that door.

Emily, you've gotta
be... more spontaneous.

Really? Well, Mr. Wild
Man, what are you gonna do

about all the appointments
you have booked next week?

I'll, uh... I'll reschedule.
I'll make the arrangements,

and we'll be on a plane
to New Orleans tonight.

I think I smell a
bet. You name it.

Okay. Um...

Every year we have
trouble finding somebody

to play the Easter Bunny
at the school egg hunt.

What do I get if I win?

Oh, well, see, if you win,

now you get to spend
a week in New Orleans

with a beautiful
and sensual woman.

Do I get to pick her?

What, uh... what
do I have to do first?

First, you have to get
fitted for a bunny suit.

Then you have to get plane
reservations on incredibly short notice.

Is breakfast ready yet?

A-ha! Howard, can you
get plane reservations?

I don't need reservations,
I sit in the cockpit.

Carol, I'm on my
way to New Orleans.

You took the wrong elevator.

No, Emily and I are gonna take
a week's vacation down there.

A week's vacation?

Now see here. We're
running a business, my friend,

not a Holiday Inn.

We can't have people just coming and
going at the drop of a hat, now, can we?

What do you have to
say for yourself, Hartley?

You're fired.

You need a vacation.

Welcome back.

I didn't want to put
the whole load on you,

so I rescheduled some
of my appointments.

Now, I'm gonna transfer some
of my patients to Dr. Walburn,

and the others we're gonna have to
double up the week after next thusly.

Move Mr. Marsh to 2:00...

He works afternoons.
Scratch that.

Put Mr. Voltz at 3...

Bob, you know Mr. Voltz
is terrified of the number 3.

That's right.

Shift Mrs. Slater to Thursday.

She lifts weights on Thursday.

That's right.

Put Mr. Peterson in the morning.

That's okay. Fine.
Now fill in the gaps.

Thanks anyway, Bob.

Mr. Carlin's in your
office. Already?

He's been waiting there an hour.

Sometimes I don't know
whether to charge him fees

or to charge him rent.

Oh, and get me
Dr. Walburn on the phone.

What do you want with Walburn?

Oh, hi, Mr. Carlin.

I'm gonna be leaving, and I'm gonna
refer some of my patients to him.

Not this patient.
Walburn's a turkey.

Walburn is a very
reputable doctor.

Well, he hates me. He
doesn't hate you, Mr. Carlin.

You two just got off
on the wrong foot.

It wasn't my fault
about that hamster.

How was I supposed
to know it was his pet?

Besides, all I did was feed it.

Putting a little bit of cheese
in a mousetrap is not feeding.

Well, he went for it.

Yes, Carol?

Carol: Dr. Walburn
on line two, Bob.

Thank you. Just a
minute, Mr. Carlin.

Uh, Frank? How you doing?

Yeah, listen, I'm calling
because I'm going away.

Can you cover for me next week?

The regulars and the group.

Yeah, Mr. Carlin
will be there, too.

You'd rather be
staked to an anthill.

Listen, Frank, remember I
took care of your patients last fall,

and as I recall, I
had a lot of trouble

with that hockey player.

I don't care if she is
a nice lady off the ice.

You'll take care of
everyone but Carlin.

Thanks, Doctor, I really
appreciate it. Good-bye.

He's still sore
about the rat, huh?

Mr. Carlin, I have a suggestion.

Oh, nothing doing.

I can't go a whole
week without a session.

Well, I thought maybe
I'd call you on the phone,

and we could have our
sessions over the phone.

Not a chance. How would I know
you weren't making faces at me?

Well, if that's
the way you feel,

then I'll... I'll have
to cancel my trip.

I'll tell you what. If you're
gone for a whole week,

then you owe me
5 sessions, right?

That's right. Okay.

You can give them
all to me today.

5 sessions or an Easter Bunny.

Not much of a choice.
You can take it or leave it.

All right. Fine.
Let's get started.

Where did we
leave off last time?

Well, you told me
to buy this notebook

and list all my
negative thoughts.

Where do you want me to start?

Why don't you start at the top?

Okay.

"Number one: $1.95
for this stupid notebook."

My pajama's itch.

Ed McMahon will
laugh at anything."

Mr. Carlin, has this list taught
you anything about yourself?

Yes. I'm not a happy man.

But I am observant.

Uh, Mr. Carlin, don't you feel

maybe you're a bit too
negative about everything?

No.

Why don't we pick it up
there next time, okay?

So what I should
really remember is, uh,

not to take these
things so seriously, huh?

Right, exactly,
like my going away.

"Number 890:

Hartley abandons patient."

So who's next?
The Swerdlow family.

You're treating a
whole family? Why?

Well, when they came to me,

they had a great deal of
hostility toward each other,

you know, arguing, fighting.

It makes me feel kinda homesick.

Yeah, but now they're
beginning to, uh,

to get to know each other,

and I think they're
becoming a lot closer.

All: Good morning, Dr. Hartley.

And it seems to be working.

After you, honey.

No, no, the children
must go first.

No, Mother, after you.

Oh, yes, we insist on
our beloved parents.

Yeah.

It's a good thing they
weren't on the Titanic.

Silly us.

Okay, all together. Ready?

Wasn't that a
pleasant elevator ride?

I particularly enjoyed
the sixth floor.

The important thing is
that we all rode together.

That's right.

Mr. and Mrs. Swerdlow,
Tom and Becky,

I'd like you to meet Mr. Carlin.

Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.

I'll be done in about
an hour, Mr. Carlin.

You want to go into the office?

Oh, boy, another session.

We love Dr. Hartley's office.

We love Dr. Hartley.

Mr. Carlin, what do
you think you're doing?

This will be one of
my sessions, all right?

Absolutely not. This
is not your session.

I wouldn't wanna
miss this for the world.

Dr, Hartley, if wants to
stay, I'd like him to stay.

We want nothing
here but good feelings.

Since we've been
going to Dr. Hartley,

we've been trying
to like everyone.

Well, this'll be
your first big test.

You're a beautiful person, Mom.

Don't forget Dad, Tom.

Oh, he's beautiful, too.

Am I dreaming this?

Mr. Carlin, if you want to stay,
you're gonna have to be quiet.

I'm very pleased to see that you're
working so hard at getting along together.

We're doing our best.

We couldn't do it
without Dad. He's a gem.

Well, I'd be lost
without all of you guys.

You're the best family a
man's ever been blessed with.

Amen.

Hartley, somebody's
trying to put you on.

Mr. and Mrs. Swerdlow,
Tom and Becky,

uh, it's... it's good to, uh...

It's good for a
family to cooperate,

but I don't think you
should hide your feelings.

I mean, imitating a happy family

is not the same
thing as being one.

We love each other Dr. Hartley.

I mean, you've shown us that
love is much better than hostility.

God bless you, Dr. Hartley.

God bless us everyone.

These people have taken a cab.

Quiet, Mr. Carlin.

Uh, some patients
overreact to therapy,

and in trying to
correct their behavior,

they go a bit to
far the other way.

Excuse me, Dr. Hartley,
I have an announcement.

This ought to be good.

Well, I've made
a decision today.

I've decided that I'm
going to sell my motorcycle,

give up the guitar,

and go into business
with you, Dad.

Oh, son!

Uh, Mr. Swerdlow,
you're a mailman.

Yes, that's right, Dr. Hartley,

but, uh... okay, he can
take one side of the street,

I'll take the other.

You can take the sunny side.

Any side you're on is
gonna be sunny, son.

These people could
win the Pillsbury Bore Off.

Who are they trying to
kid. No family's that happy.

That's not true. We're
as happy as can be.

I think you're out of your tree.

That's it, Mr. Carlin.
You're gonna have to leave.

Okay, I'm going.

But tell me
something, Dr. Hartley.

Have you told your
news to the Waltons here?

Any news Dr. Hartley
has is gonna be beautiful.

Oh! He's finally
coming to dinner!

Yeah. Yeah.

What will we have?

Well, I can fix him my
favorite fried chicken.

And apple pie?

And I'll say Grace.

And plenty of good fresh milk.

Hartley is leaving town next
week and leaving you in the lurch.

Oh, no, that's a lie.

He wouldn't do that
to us. Not Dr. Hartley.

He knows we can't get
along without these sessions.

All right, I think
you're ready to maybe

try a week on your own.

You mean it's true?

That's right. He's leaving
for New Orleans tonight.

But I'm leaving you
in very capable hands.

You're going out of the state?

Of course he's
going out of the state.

Where do you think
New Orleans is, stupid!

Who do you think you're
calling stupid, liver lips!

See? See, I told you.

We cannot get along
without these sessions.

Well, I'll tell you what
we can get along without,

and that's your big mouth!

Oh, shut up!

Hey, don't you sass your mom!

I'd rather sass you
anyway, liver lips!

Now that's what I call a family.

Well, thank you, Dr. Hartley,
for all your time and help

in getting us back
together after that little spat.

You're quite welcome,
Mr. Swerdlow.

Yes, thank you, Dr. Hartley.

You're welcome. Mrs. Swerdlow.

Thank you, Dr. Hartley.
You're welcome, Tom.

Thank you, Dr. Hart...
You're wel... Becky.

Tough session? Yeah, it was.

I think they'll get
along fine now.

They're on their
way to the circus.

I'd pay to see 'em.

Hi, honey. Ready for lunch?

Lunch and a week's vacation. Aw.

It's gonna be lonesome around
here next week, huh, Carol?

Yeah. Jerry's at a convention.
Bob will be in New Orleans.

Who will I talk to when
I call in sick tomorrow?

Well, how's out
bet coming, honey?

Figured out yet where you're
gonna hide the Easter eggs?

Al Hirt's beard.

Hi, g*ng. Oh, hi, Howard.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I met the nicest
family downstairs.

They asked me to go
to the circus with them.

They asked me to stop
by their house for a year.

You, uh... you have
the tickets, Howard?

Yeah, I'm working on it.
I wanted to ask you guys.

How do you feel
about separate planes?

Oh, no problem, Howard.

Bob and I never fly together
because of our plans.

Bob, that reminds me.

Now, I got a hold of Mr. Voltz,
and he can come in at 2:00.

Oh, good. Let me just
make a note of that.

Also, Bob, Mr. Peterson switched
appointments. Good. Good.

Uh, there's a 707 at 6:00
and an L-1011 at 6:10.

No, that's too early.

He's coming in at 1:35. Now
the new patient, Mr. Clarkman,

who was at 1:30, had to be changed
over to 4:30 in Mrs. Bakerman's spot.

A 747 at 7:15 that makes
a changeover in Knoxville.

No, no, that won't do.

Now that means I'm gonna
change Bakerman to 2:00 Tuesday,

3:15 Wednesday.

Flight 23, a 747, that
doesn't leave until 8:32.

331 at gate 59,
which leaves at 7:18.

Oh, 7:18, that's great.

Let me see if I have this.

Mrs. Bakerman is
coming in at 7:18...

and 3:31 at gate two.

No, no, no, Bob, that's gate 32,

That's a yellow concourse
and that's been changed...

Oh, no, that's been
closed since 1927.

No, no. Bakerman
at 11:05 or 4:30.

Okay, 227 at 46 at 8:32.

7:15 is better than 8:32.

Or 2:10 or 3:15.

All right, hold it!

Whatever you said, it's okay.

Just type it up and let me know.

10-4.

That's why I don't
go on vacation.

Oh, Hippity-hoppity.
Easter's on its way.

Let's see, Bob, what size
would you take in a bunny suit?

About a 38 floppy? Ha ha ha.

Howard, can get the
tickets. We'll be on that plane.

Uh, let's eat at my
favorite restaurant, okay?

Howard, I don't
care where we eat.

I just don't want to
make any more decisions.

So this is it. Nice atmosphere.

Ah. It's everything
you said it was...

and less.

There's the free tables.

It's a good thing we didn't come in
during the height of the lunch hour.

Yeah, hardly anybody
eats between 12 and 1.

It's not exactly
what we expected.

They know me here.

Here, this is, uh...
This is for you.

Thanks for saving the table.

You guys enjoy the atmosphere,

and I'll call the airport, okay?

Well, honey, is there anything
special you want me to pack?

Not that I think this trip is
gonna get off the ground,

but I just wanna pack
our bags for practice.

Yeah, you could pack
my golf shoes... Uh-huh.

I may need a raincoat,
my silver cufflinks.

Oh, and be sure and pack
that black lace nightgown I like.

Mm-hmm. Okay, Bob.

What slippers do you
wanna wear with it?

No luck yet.

I gotta call back.
Let's eat, okay?

Now, what would you like?

Uh, the tuna? The ham
and cheese? The bologna?

Howard, I'll have
anything. Ham and cheese.

Uh, the tuna here is... mmwah!

I mean they're
noted for their tuna.

All right, tuna. Tuna's fine.

Of course there's a lot to be
said about the ham and cheese.

Don't say it, Howard.
Just get me a sandwich.

Honey, I'll get the drinks. What
do you want? Orange soda.

What year?

Looks like the sandwich
is stuck in the chutes.

That's one flaw in this
restaurants: sticky chutes.

Howard, do you know
what you're doing?

Bob, I've been here before.

Uh-oh.

What's wrong? I think I'm stuck.

Howard, is there
anything we can do?

Yeah, would you put a quarter
in and push the "Tuna" button.

Ah! I got another sandwich.

I'm still stuck, but I
got another sandwich.

Can you get that?
It may be for me.

Uh, hello? Yes, he is
here. Howard, it's for you.

Bob, would you help me move
this machine over to the phone?

Just tell him he
has his hands full.

Oh. Hello? Can I take a message?

Ah, fine. Thank you.

Bob, I've got great news. We've got
our plane reservations to New Orleans.

Son of a g*n!
Gonna have big fun!

There's only one problem.

The plane leaves two hours
earlier than we expected.

Son of a... g*n.

I don't know how we're
gonna make it in time.

Well, look at it this way, Bob.

At least you know what you're
gonna be doing this Easter.

Emily, you better be
packed, because I...

am gonna be on that plane.

Ah! Thanks, Bob.

I'm glad no one
ordered the Jell-o.

I'm kind of in a hurry, Mel.

Okay, just a quick trim.

Going on a little trip, huh?

Yeah, New Orleans. I appreciate
you coming in on your day off.

Hey, I was glad to, Bob.

You're one of my best customers.

I'm just glad you
caught me when you did.

If I had one more margarita,

I would not be able to stand up.

You know, Mel, maybe my
hair isn't that long, you know?

Hey, Bob, I am fine, really.

Now why don't you just sit down?

Bob, Mr. Peterson's
on the phone.

He wants to know if
he can come in today.

He's having problems
with Doris again.

Let me talk to him.

Hello. Mr. Peterson?

What's the problem with Doris?

That isn't a nice
thing to call your wife.

Okay, I'm ready
for my next session.

Hey, is that your
barber? Yeah, this is Mel.

I just saw him downstairs
a couple minutes ago.

The cops were giving
him a balloon test.

Oopsy daisy.

I think they can pop it back
into place, Mr. Peterson.

Gee, Bob, I bet
you really feel bad

about having to go away for a
week, leave all your patients, huh?

I wouldn't worry about it. You don't
any really serious loonies, do you?

We don't refer to
them as "loonies," Mel.

Bob, I can't reschedule
Mr. Maris on Wednesday.

That's the day he
steam-cleans his cats.

Sounds loony to me.

This doesn't look
like a session to me.

Oh! Geez, I'm sorry, Bob.

In 6 days that
won't show at all.

Bob, I know this
is a real bad time,

but the Christmas
card company called,

and they want to know what
color you want your envelope.

You want this blocked in back?

I want some attention.

Hi! Hi, everybody.

Hi, honey. You ready to go?

Can I change Harris
with Mr. Slater?

How long you
want it on the side?

This is supposed
to be my session.

Bob, I couldn't find
you brown pants.

Everybody, quiet!

Mel, go home and sleep it off.

Mr. Peterson, I'll call you
when I get to New Orleans.

Mr. Carlin, you're
coming in the cab with us.

I'll give you a session there.

Switch Mr. Slater
with Mr. Harris

and Harris with Peterson.

And make the envelopes green.

Emily, let's get out of here. I
don't need my brown pants.

Emily, you said I
couldn't do it, and I did it.

Nothing can stop me now.

Dr. Hartley! Dr. Hartley!

Thank God we found you!

They just told us
some horrible news!

They were never married!

You have the tickets? Yeah.

Here you are, honey.
You earned them.

You did a terrific job
with the Swerdlows.

You know, I even
amazed myself on that.

A wedding in a cab.

You know, I must admit,
several times today,

I didn't think we
were gonna make it.

Well, I'm proud of you.

You know, you
really are a wild man.

Gate 5.

One moment.

Phone call for
Dr. Robert Hartley.

I'm... I'm Dr. Hartley.

Do you know a guy
called "The Reaper?"

The Peeper.

Oh. Sorry. Here.

Hey, Peep? We're on our way.

Jazz on Bourbon
Street, Creole food.

What... what's that, Peep?

What... what do you
mean "That's one on us?"

Because you're not
going? It's a gag?

That's real funny, Peep.

He says it's a
gag. He's not going.

Peep, you know what kind of
aggravation I've been through?

The Swerdlows, rescheduling.

We're gonna go anyway.

And we're gonna have a
million laughs, right, Emily?

That's telling him, Bob.

Listen, why don't you put
these things on the plane?

I want to give him
a piece of my mind.

All right, but, you
know, go easy on him.

Hello. Peep?

It worked like a charm.

Thanks. I owe you one.