06x07 - My Son the Comedian

[bunniefuu]

Oh.

Emily, while you're up,
would you fix me a drink?

- What?
- Just kidding.

How was your exercise class?

Ah, good.

How do you feel?

Bad.

What would make you feel better?

Death.

You know, Emily, if you feel
like this after an exercise class,

why do you go?

Because it's good for you.

Everybody says that
exercise adds years to your life.

Yeah, I can see that.
You look about 80.

What can I do?
Where does it hurt?

Name a place.

Tierra del Fuego.

It's sore there, too.

Ow, Bob.

Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.
What's going on?

Howard, I'm really sore.

'Cause I didn't knock?

No, my body is sore
from exercise class.

Howard, I thought you were supposed
to pick up your son this afternoon.

Yeah, I never had him
the whole summer before.

I just want to make
this important to him.

You know what's important to me?

A body without pain.

I've got just the thing
for that. I saw this on TV.

This guy was doing yoga,
and he bent over like this,

and he put his
hands up like this.

It really works. Try it, okay?

Howard, this is a side of
you we've never seen before.

All right, I'll try it.
What have I got to lose?

There you go.

What do you think?

I think your socks don't match.

You know something?
I had the same problem

with the pair I wore yesterday.

How are things going
down there, Emily?

Well, how long am I supposed to
stay with my head down like this?

Well, I do it till I
get lightheaded.

How can you tell?

Oh, that's Howie. Come on in!

- Hi, everybody.
- Hi, Howie.

Whatcha doing, Aunt Emily?
Timing an upside-down cake?

Timing an upside-down cake!

You get that, Bob?
You get that, Emily?

Honey, help me up, would you?

Wait a minute.
Let's make a wish.

Let's make a wish!

You get that, Bob?
You get that, Emily?

I got it, Howard. Just let go.

Well, you're, uh, coming
up with a lot of jokes, Howie.

I don't know, Uncle Bob. I
just like to make people laugh.

Just like to make people laugh!

You get that, Bob?
You get that, Emily?

It's not a joke, Dad.

Oh. Well, you owe me one.

You know, sometimes I'll
start out a session with a joke.

Isn't it great to get a laugh?

So I've heard.

Come on, Pop. There's an
old Groucho Marx movie on TV.

- I want to study his technique.
- Yeah.

Howard sure is a
pushover for his son, huh?

With an audience like
Howard, I could be a comic.

I wouldn't be so sure, Bob.

Honey, I may have
to stay here all night.

I really can't move.

Do you think you
ought to call someone?

Depends on how lonesome I get.

- Congratulate me, Carol
- Congratulations, Jerry.

- Thank you, Carol.
- Don't mention it, Jerry.

I guess you're pretty
curious to know why.

So I'll tell you.

Oh, rapture.

I have just got my hands
on a great new anesthetic.

You know why people sometimes feel
pain when they sit in my dental chair?

You're careless where
you leave your pick?

No, it's because common Novocain
sometimes isn't strong enough.

But this new stuff
is a super painkiller.

I am testing it upon
myself at this very moment,

so give me a good slap.

Oof!

How was that?

Oh, that was a good slap.

That was an
excellent slap, Carol.

Unfortunately, the
painkiller's in my hand.

Oh, Jerry, oh. Mmm.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought
your face was numb.

- It is now.
- Oh...

Hi, Jerry. How you doing?

Well, Carol just slapped me.

You been a naughty dentist?

And if they offer you
potato soup, take it.

You're gonna get it
one way or the other.

Howie, will you
stop it a minute?

I'm starting to
hurt from laughter.

Hi, Mr. Carlin, Howard, Howie.
What brings you down here?

The bus.

But, seriously, Uncle Bob. I found a
comedian who teaches people to be funny.

I just signed up for the summer at
Mickey Melnick's School of Comedy.

Oh, good old MMSC.

You going to go out for
the pie-throwing team?

Let the kid do the
jokes, okay, Hartley?

Uncle Bob, I decided to become
a comedian when I grow up.

Last year you wanted
to be a navigator.

Navigators don't play Vegas.

I fly to Vegas.

Jeez, your arms must be tired.

Kid made a fool
out of you, Borden.

That's my boy.

Dad bought me a comedy kit.
Want to see some of my gags?

I love a good gag. Show
us your stuff, Howie.

Yeah, that'd be nice, Howie,

but unfortunately, it's time
for Mr. Carlin's session.

That's okay. After all,
laughter is the best medicine.

Isn't that what you
always say, Dr. Hartley?

No, that's the Reader's Digest.

Oh, yeah.

I always get you two mixed
up. You're both short and bland.

Okay, kid. Now we'll sit over here
and you stand up right over there.

Mr. Carlin, do you
know what you're doing?

Sure thing. This is my session.

If I want a floor show,
I'm gonna have it.

Perfect. Next time we'll
arrange for trained seals.

- Is everybody ready?
- Yeah, yeah.

Show us your stuff, Howie.

Dr. Robinson, would you
like to smell my flower?

How stupid do you think I am?
That's the old squirting flower trick.

Yeah, Dr. Robinson,
you guessed it.

- Come here. I'll tell you what.
- Excuse me.

Just so the audience here
can see how this trick works,

you put it on, I'll sniff it,
and you can squirt me.

Okay.

You know, this kid
really breaks me up.

Ah. Excuse me, young man.

- Would you like to smell
a beautiful flower?
- I would love to.

Well, I may not know
comedy, but I know what I like.

I have one more thing
to show you, Dr. Hartley.

You know, this kid's got a real
flare. Too bad his old man is so dull.

Have a nut.

Oh, this is one of those cans you open
up and the snakes come flying out, right?

I can't get anything
by you guys.

You saw right through
my trick. Congratulations.

You little... fella.

Boy, he sure made a
sap out of you, Hartley.

This is the best
session I've ever had.

Anybody want to
hear a navigator joke?

You are a navigator
joke, Borden.

I'd like to do more,

but I got to save some of my
act for a second performance.

Well, that was real good
stuff, Howie. Thank you.

Really enjoyed it, Howie.

Yeah, thanks, Howie.

Come on, Dad. I want to
shop for some joke books.

Okay, I'll see you, Bob.

Uh, Howard, is
everything all right?

Oh, why do you ask?

Well, you didn't laugh
at any of Howie's jokes.

Oh, really? Well, I must have
had something on my mind.

I'll laugh later.

Ah, that was great.

And we've still got some
time left for my session.

Oh, you're right. Let's see.

Well, let's take it from
the end of our last session.

You were discussing your
hostility toward authority figures.

This is boring.

Don't you know any good jokes?

All right. You want a joke?

You just paid $40 an hour

to hear a 50-year-old act.

Well, this is it.

Oh, is that the receiver?

Yep, this is the heart
of the whole system.

Are you sure you know what
you're doing, hooking it up yourself?

Emily, I hooked the
television up myself.

Yeah, but all you had to do
was plug that into the wall.

We haven't had any
trouble with it, have we?

Besides, I have these step-by-step
instructions from the stereo shop.

All I have to do is
find step number one.

Looks like step number
one is learning Japanese.

No, honey. The English
instructions are on the other side.

Ah so.

Bob, are you sure you
know what you're doing?

Maybe you should get an expert
to help you put this together.

See, Emily, that's the whole
trouble with our country.

I mean, lots of people are paying a
lot of money to so-called specialists

to do a job that they
could easily do themselves

with a little common
sense and ingenuity.

Oh, hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.

I just stopped by to see
if you guys were busy.

Oh, well, I'm not busy,

but, see, Bob is busy demonstrating
his common sense and his ingenuity

by filling this room
with beautiful music.

Good man.

Howard, is anything wrong?

Well, that's why I'm here. I
wanted to talk to Emily about Howie.

You want to talk to me?

Yeah, I mean, you're a
teacher. You know about kids.

Oh, well, I'd be happy
to talk with you, Howard.

Yeah, and I'll be right
here if you need me.

I mean, I am-I
am a psychologist.

Well, you know, I think that's
what's wrong with this country, Bob.

You know, people going
to specialists for a job

that they can really
handle themselves.

Fine. Fine. I have plenty to do.

Boy, I'll tell you something.
I am really worried.

He's really getting involved
in this comedy thing.

Oh, Howard, it'll pass. He just
wants to have fun this summer.

You know, I remember one
summer when I was a kid,

and the circus came to town.

I wanted to run away
and be a tightrope walker.

No, you don't understand.

He said that school is a waste of
time and he belongs on the stage.

Then he said there
was one leaving at dawn.

Oh. Sorry about that, Howard.

Everything's a joke to the kid.

Well, Howard, why don't you just
pull him out of the comedy school?

I can't do that.
I'd break his heart.

Oh, I think I see
what's happening here.

Howard, you see, you
don't get Howie that often,

so when you do, it's hard
for you to refuse him anything.

Yeah, his mother was
always the one who said no.

I wish she would've said
it when I proposed to her.

Listen, Howard,

you're gonna have to get
tough with him for his own sake.

I mean, he's gonna
respect you for it.

Yeah, I can't let
the kid ruin his life.

Hi, Aunt Emily. Dad. What
are you doing, Uncle Bob?

Oh, just hooking up my stereo.

Listen, Dad, Mr. Melnick
thinks I'm so good,

he wants to put
me in his club act.

He's taking me on tour!

Just like that, huh?

Yeah, I think it's a
great chance for me

to get some real
experience as a comedian.

What do you think, Dad?

What do I think? I'll
tell you what I think.

You want to know
what I really think?

I think...

we should sew some name
tags on your underwear.

I knew it'd be
okay with you, Dad.

Come on. I want to tell you this
great joke I learned at school today.

This guy gets off the
bus in Cleveland, right?

Cleveland? It's funny already.

Poor Howard.

Yeah, maybe he should've
talked to a specialist.

Maybe you're right, Bob.

Well, I think we're ready to go.

Mm.

Speaking of specialists, Bob.

Don't say it, Emily.

So if they offer you
the buffalo soup, take it,

'cause you're
gonna get it anyway.

Hey, it's hard to be Indian.

The other day I
walked into a bar.

The bartender says,
"What'll you have?"

I says, "I'll have a Manhattan."

He says, "That'll
be $24, please."

They call us scalpers.

I'll see all of you in a
moon or two, all right?

In the meantime, don't applaud.

Just throw a few
trinkets up here, okay?

Jackie Whitefeather.
How about that?

Jackie Whitefeather.

Thank you, Jack.

What a night. What a show.

Just great.

People are asking,

"Where are those new, young,
Indian comics coming from?"

What a night. What a show.

How'd you like the Indian, Bob?

Well, they did discover corn.

Think he was as funny as Howie?

Different.

Well, moving along with our
show, here's the next student,

a great-grandmother fulfilling

a lifelong ambition to go along

in the footsteps of
her idol, Don Rickles!

Let's give her a
big, big reception:

Minnie Farber!

Minnie, sweetheart.

Watch the speed bumps, darling.

Go get them, Minnie!

Shut up, dummy.

She's great.

Hm. Look at this bunch.

Are you here

for the hockey puck convention?

I don't believe this.

Uh-oh. Get this yo-yo.

I've seen better-looking heads

on a lettuce farm.

Oh, my God, this is
definitely a bad dream.

What's your name, sir?

Uh, me?

Is the question
too hard for you?

Try and read my lips.

And nod your head
if you understand me.

No, see, I understand you...

Ooh, wonderful.

Give the dummy a cookie.

Is, uh... Is this the wife?

Yes. Yes, it is.

Woof.

I hope she's rich.

Well, that's our show.

And I do hope we
haven't offended anyone.

Show business is my life.

Let's all be thankful

that we live in this
wonderful country.

Minnie Farber. How
about that, folks?

Let's hear it.

Minnie, my darling.
You were wonderful.

- Just wonderful.
- I know.

Thank you, Minnie.

You're gonna be a
big star, sweetheart,

but you better hurry.

Well, folks, we hope you
enjoyed the show you've seen,

Tomorrow's Comedians.

In the meantime, I'm
Mickey Melnick saying,

God bless you. Good night.

What a show. What a night.

Oh, I can't believe Howie wants
to go on the road with that guy.

I mean, that's
no place for a kid.

You better say
something to Howie.

So you're little
Howie's big Howie?

Yeah, yeah. Nice
place you got here.

Oh, thanks. It's a living.

How'd you enjoy the show?

Uh, nobody liked
it better than I did.

Your boy's gonna be
a big star, Mr. Borden.

With being on the road, I mean,
what kind of life is that for a kid?

I don't know. What kind
of life is it for an adult?

Rotten.

But if you want to be a comic,
that's where you have to break in.

Where are you
gonna be taking him?

Well, I'll take him where
the clubs are. Nevada.

Las Vegas?

Naw, Elko, Henderson,
Winnemucca.

Howie's good. He's gonna make
them forget Bob Hope and Red Skelton.

Not to mention Joe Capo.

Joe Capo?

I told you not to mention him.

Jeez!

Did you hear that? I
can't believe that guy.

Now I'm really worried.

Howard, you'd better call Howie's
mother and let her talk to him.

No, anything but that. That would
be admitting I'm a failure as a father.

She's gonna know
you're not doing too good

when she hears Howie's
working in Winnemucca.

You gotta draw
the line somewhere.

- Yeah, you're right.
- Dad!

How was I?

Oh, uh, terrific,
son. Terrific, yeah.

You really mean that, Dad?

Yeah, you were really
funny, Howie, really funny.

Then what's wrong?

Well, Howie,

I think this comedy
thing is a mistake.

Why, Dad?

Why? Well, I think
you belong at home,

not some dumpy nightclub.

Sorry you feel that way.

Well, I do.

I have to think about this, Dad.

There's nothing to think about,
son. I mean, I thought it over.

Great. You thought
it over about my life.

Come on. Let's get out of here.

I'll get you an ice cream
soda. Would you like that?

I don't feel like
an ice cream soda.

What do you feel like, son?

Feel like going on the
road with Mickey Melnick.

- Come on, Bob. We better go
with them.
- Son?

Okay.

Excuse me, sir.

I hope you didn't take
my little act personally.

- No, I realize that that's...
- Shut up, dummy.

You'd be funnier
if you were bald.

Well, you're 20
minutes late, Hartley.

Now I don't care about
your other fruitcakes,

but I do expect you to be
on time for my sessions.

In the first place, Mr. Carlin,

I don't like my patients
being referred to as fruitcakes,

and in the second
place, I am on time.

Your watch is 20 minutes fast.

Oh, yeah. I do that so I'll
trick myself into being early.

Why do I do things
like that, Hartley?

Probably because
you're a fruitcake.

Well, should we get
started with the session?

Hey, Bob.

I gotta talk to you.
Howie left home.

Oh, swell. If World
w*r III breaks out,

it'll probably break
out during my session.

Well, don't worry,
Howard. We'll find him.

He left this note.
Listen to this:

Oh, swell. And you use
up the rest of my time

by showing your
slides of Yellowstone.

Mr. Carlin, wait a minute.
This is very important.

"Dear Dad:" That's me.

"As the banana
said to the ice cream,

"I gotta split."

Well, the kid
hasn't lost his touch.

Howard, he's probably
at the Melnick School.

Just go down there and get him.

I don't want to do that.
He'd get mad at me.

I want to be his friend.

Howard, if you want to be
his friend, be his father, now.

Oh, forget it, Hartley.

That kid's gonna walk all over
Borden for the rest of his life.

Hey, I can take care of my son.

Why don't you go
and... kiss a frog?

Howard, just go down
to Melnick's and get him.

All right. I'd better put on
my navigator uniform first.

What are you gonna do that for?

Well, people respect me
more when I'm in a uniform.

The only uniform for
you is a clown suit.

Well, anyway, that was
terrific advice you gave him.

- Thank you.
- There's only one problem.

- What's that?
- Borden.

You know, if he fell off a building,
he'd get lost on the way down.

Maybe you're right.

I'd better get to talk to Howie
before Howard gets there.

What about my session?

Well, we'll pick it
up when I get back.

- I can't wait.
- Then start without me.

It all started out
when I was a child.

Now we're gonna
try the impressions.

We're gonna start off
with Jimmy Cagney.

Now let's get it
up. Jimmy Cagney.

All right, you dirty rat.

That's it.

That's it.

That's it. That's good.

That's good. Use your...
Hold it one second.

You been doing your
homework, Jackie?

All right, let me hear
your John Wayne.

Indians don't do John Wayne.

Oh, yes, I realize
your reservations.

I can do John Wayne, Mickey.

Let me hear it, sweetheart.

Listen and listen
tight, pilgrim,

or you'll be dead where you sit.

Ah, Minnie. One of the best
John Wayne's I ever heard.

- Hi, Dr. Hartley.
- Thank you.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't
mean to interrupt a lesson.

Oh, that's okay, Doc. We're
ready to take a break anyway.

This'll give us a chance to
practice our humble goodnights.

Let's try it.

- Good night.
- Good night, everybody.

Only in America could
such a thing happen.

Good night, my
friends, good night.

I suppose you're here to
talk to me about my dad.

Yeah. I think you ought
to go home, Howie.

Uncle Bob, this is my home.

Howie, you're gonna meet a
lot of Mickey Melnicks in your life,

but you only have one dad.

You know, turning you down

was the hardest thing he
had to do in his whole life,

but he did it
because he loves you.

Gee, Uncle Bob,

I don't want to hurt
his feelings or anything.

Why should I turn down such a
great chance for a career in comedy?

I'll give you one good reason.

You're not funny.

Is that a joke, Uncle Bob?

No. Maybe one
day you'll be funny,

but right now, you're cute.

If cute were being funny,

Winnie the Pooh would
be playing Las Vegas.

Why don't you, uh...

Why don't you take a
chance on growing up?

Go back to your dad.

Howie, I want to
talk to you right now.

Okay, Dad.

Bob, what are you doing here?

Oh. I was thinking about
enrolling in the school, Howard.

I think I'll practice
my act over here.

Howie, I've had enough.
I've really had enough.

Now I want you to go in
there and pack your bag.

We're gonna get
out of here right now.

- Whatever you say, Dad.
- Hey, don't talk back to me.

I'm your father, you hear? Nobody
talks back to the father, because...

Because... What'd you say?

I want to come home.

Don't you want to hear
the rest of my speech?

Maybe later, Dad.

The tour's off?

Uh...

Always got time
for that stuff later on.

Come on, let's get
out of this place.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

We'll get out of this place when I
say we're gonna get out of this place.

Let's get out of this place.

See that, Bob? That's
how to handle a kid.

You gotta be hard but fair.

Good job, Howard.

Bye, Uncle Bob.

We, uh, really, really have

a fine show for you tonight.

We have the Mormon
Tabernacle Choir

out on this very
stage right here.

Topo Gigio for all the kiddies.

A marvelous comic from
Chicago, Bobby Hartman.

So, Bobby, you want to come out here
now and entertain these fine people?

Thank you, Ed.
That's Hartley. Hartley.

I gotta tell you, I'm
standing in a room so small,

the mice are hunchbacked.