Uh, fine. Tell him I'll
see him tomorrow. Bye.
I'm sorry, Mr. Twillmer,
that was an emergency.
Now, where were we?
That's exactly where we were.
Uh, Mr. Twillmer,
it's not unusual
for people who
are starting therapy
to have a little
trouble opening up,
but you've been
here for four sessions
and you haven't said one word.
Are you aware that you
haven't said one word?
It didn't work.
You may not think you're saying
anything by not saying anything,
but actually you are.
You see, I'm a trained
observer of people,
and I've learned a
great deal about you.
There is one
piece of information
that I need to
complete the picture.
Um, would you mind if I ask,
what the hell do you want?
Sorry, Mr. Twillmer.
I'm gonna step outside,
and I wish you'd do me a favor
and not say anything
while I'm gone.
Just... Just checking.
Mr. Twillmer, it's obvious
that I'm not the
person to help you.
I can recommend another
psychologist if you'd like.
I'd just like to tell you
I'm sorry it didn't work out.
No hard feelings.
Hold it!
- You-you talked.
- What?
Uh, I didn't mean to
interrupt. Go ahead.
Uh, well, I didn't, uh, mean...
Sorry if I was an
uncooperative patient.
I'm really not very
much of a talker.
Well, you have a fine voice.
Keep talking.
The fact is, I could really use
somebody, you know, to talk to.
Well, that's what I'm here for.
See, I'm all alone in the world.
I have no family, no friends.
Used to tell all of my
troubles to my parrot.
Great listener he was.
I only taught him
one thing to say:
"Uh-huh."
Then he d*ed, and I
decided to come see you.
Uh-huh.
Somehow it's not the same.
Well, I'm sure as we get
to know each other better,
you'll get the feeling
of letting yourself go.
Bah! I hate my job! Puh!
How did it feel
to let yourself go?
Am I cured?
No! No-No.
No, but you're
on the right track.
See, the basic ingredient
of therapy is trust.
Mm-hm.
Anything you say to me
would never leave this room.
You mean to tell me that I
could say anything to you?
Absolutely. My patients tell me
their most intimate
thoughts and fantasies.
Oh, yeah? Like what?
If I told you that, then I'd be,
uh, betraying a confidence.
Sure, sure.
Well, Doctor, I can
assure you, you've...
You never heard any
thoughts or fantasies like mine.
Weird.
I have this one fantasy
about Miss Sanders in
the Accounting Department.
Uh, Mr. Twillmer,
nothing is too bizarre for me.
Sometimes, uh, I
imagine that I'm Napoleon
and Miss Sanders is Wellington.
The Duke of Wellington?
Beef Wellington.
Wish I had a
dollar for every time
I've heard the old
Beef Wellington fantasy.
Oh, yeah. I have
another one, you know.
I have a fantasy
in which I imagine
I embezzle funds from the
insurance company where I work.
I even worked it out on
paper once, you know.
If I had siphoned
off $100 a week
for the past 25 years
you know how much
I'd have right now?
$150,000.
Women, greed, I mean, those
are-those are natural fantasies.
Sometimes I imagine I'm
a Canadian snow goose.
Women, greed, geese, that's...
We call it The Big Three.
Ah, hi, Bob. Uh,
what are you doing?
Celebrating.
Celebrating!
Oh, hot diggety-dog!
Ha, oh, boy.
Would it help me to
know what I'm celebrating?
Mr. Twillmer started talking.
What's the big deal?
I started talking when
I was eight years old.
Anyway, Howard, I bought
this $3 cigar. It's from Uruguay.
That's too bad.
What do you mean, it's too bad?
Well, good cigars don't come from
Uruguay. They come from Paraguay.
Paraguay make great cigars.
Uruguay makes
great soccer balls.
Well, the guy said it was
a great cigar, Howard.
What nationality was he?
I don't know. He looked Irish.
Irish don't know cigars.
Irish know potatoes.
- Bob, see...
- Howard, just drop it.
You're not gonna
ruin the mood I'm in.
When Emily gets home, we're
gonna go out and have dinner.
Oh! Great!
Ah. Well, I'll call standby,
and I'll change my clothes,
and I'll put the TV
dinner back in the freezer.
Where are we going?
Well, there's a new restaurant
I've been meaning to take Emily to.
- It's Romanian.
- Uh-oh.
Romanians don't have
good food, Howard?
No, they have great food.
They have bad parking.
Criminy Dutch!
Criminy Dutch?
How could my kids
lose that game?
We had them cold
going into the last inning,
and you know what
happened? 12 lucky runs.
That's too bad, Emily. Guess
what happened to me today.
A passed ball, 11 errors, and
a bunt. Can you believe it, Bob?
12 runs on a bunt!
It shouldn't be too hard to
guess. It happened at work.
And you know what? The
other team deliberately cheated.
They tried to slow down the game
because they knew that our best
hitter had a dentist appointment at 5:00.
Why didn't you call the
game on account of cavities?
That is not funny, Bob.
Okay, all right. All right.
Why don't you just
relax, take a shower
and I'll take you out to
this very nice restaurant...
No, no. No restaurants.
I just want to stay
home and sulk.
Fine. All right.
We'll stay home.
We'll have a nice, quiet dinner,
and I'll open a
special bottle of wine.
Let's see. What wine
goes with sulking?
Ha.
Hi, Emily. Ready
to go to dinner?
I'm not going anywhere.
Are we gonna eat here?
I'm not cooking either.
Oh, well, I'll fix
something. I owe you one.
I'll call standby and
change my clothes
and take some TV
dinners out of the freezer.
Emily, why don't you
just look at it this way?
You didn't lose. You
came in second place.
Oh, honey.
You opened my
favorite. Thank you.
Well, I knew the game
was important to you,
and I didn't mean
to be insensitive.
Well, I guess I was a
little insensitive, too.
Anything happen at work today?
I'll, uh, tell you
about it later.
I'll tell you what.
Why don't you get dressed?
We'll go to this great restaurant.
I think it'll do you
a world of good.
Well, you're the doctor.
You know, Bob, it's awfully nice
having your own personal
shrink in the family.
Huh.
Okay, Bob, here
we are. Let me see.
We have Mexican, meatloaf,
and macaroni and cheese.
Take your pick.
We're going out
to dinner, Howard.
Emily said we weren't.
Well, she changed her mind.
Okay, well, I'll call standby
and I'll change my clothes, and
I'll put these back in the freezer.
I'm sorry, Howard. If you want,
you could cook them for us tomorrow.
Beg your pardon?
I say, if you want, you can
cook them for us tomorrow.
Cook them?
Really, Jerry, isn't this a lot of
fuss over a couple of parking tickets?
Sure, to you, it's a
couple of parking tickets.
To me, it's a serious thr*at
to our American way of life.
You just type that letter
the way I've written it.
"Oppressors, tyrants,
"dictators and pigs
"at City Hall!
"Dear Gentlemen:"
Jerry, I feel foolish
just typing this.
Carol, Carol, Carol.
We're dealing here
with a serious thr*at.
Don't you see? Today
they're telling me where to park.
Tomorrow they're
telling me how to think.
Somebody's got to.
I'm fighting to prove that there
is still a significant difference
between our side and theirs.
Well, right now our side has
a warrant out for your arrest.
I'll fight it, Carol.
I'll fight it all the way
to the Supreme Court!
Ha! I can just hear
the Chief Justice now.
"Poo on that Constitutional
question. Bring in the parking guy."
I simply refuse to pay a
ticket for overnight parking
when they were resurfacing
my apartment garage floor.
Jerry, these are tickets for
overnight double parking.
There was no room at the curb!
- Good morning.
- Bob! Bob. Listen.
Did they ever resurface
your apartment garage floor?
Jerry, is this something you've been
wanting to ask me for a long time?
Could you just
answer the question?
Think carefully, Bob. The future of
this great land hangs in the balance.
All right, what was
the question again?
Did they ever resurface
your apartment garage floor?
Yes.
When they did that,
where did you park?
Ah, it's a two-parter.
- Is Mr. Twillmer in?
- Inside.
Sorry, Jerry. Gotta run.
Okay, Bob. Say
goodbye to your freedoms.
Goodbye, freedoms!
- Good morning, Mr. Twillmer.
- Good morning, Dr. Hartley.
I'm sorry, but I can't stay
for the whole session today.
Well, that's too bad.
Yeah, there's an important
meeting down at the office.
I just wanted to
stop by to tell you
what a great week I've had.
You notice anything
different about me?
Well, you're talking.
Better than that.
The tie.
It's very nice.
Dr. Hartley, every day
for the past 25 years,
I've worn the same
dreary, black tie.
- Today...
- Dark brown.
Yeah.
I feel like a peacock.
It's better than a goose.
Dr. Hartley, I owe
all of this to you.
Well, I think you deserve
some of the credit.
I mean, after all, you took
the chance. You opened up.
Yes, but I think I'm really
starting to trust you. In fact,
I trust you so much, I'm going to
tell you something that's really big.
You said I could tell
you anything, right?
- That's right, anything.
- All right.
Now, you remember that fantasy
that I was telling you about?
The one in which I
embezzle company funds?
Oh, the $150,000. What about it?
It's true.
I beg your pardon?
I mean, I really did it.
Yeah. Except now,
with the interest,
it's closer to $300,000.
See, I worked in
the company payroll,
and I just created
a phony employee,
and I paid him $100
a week for 10 years.
And then you stopped?
Oh, no. I gave him a raise.
Look, I figured, Dr. Hartley,
he'd been with us for 10 years.
I thought he deserved it.
Do you realize, Mr. Twillmer,
you just confessed
grand larceny to me?
Ah, yes. Yes, I do realize that.
And you gave me your word
that you wouldn't tell anybody.
Have a nice weekend, Doc.
Criminy Dutch.
Hi, Bob. Still celebrating?
No, Howard. I've got a
problem. I'd like to be alone.
Okay.
Howard, what do you
do when you're upset?
Oh, I've got a method.
It always works.
I go into a dark room,
open up all the windows,
take off all my clothes
and eat something cold.
And that solves your problem?
Now wait a minute. Wait
a minute. Wait a minute.
I do that when I'm overheated.
When I have a problem,
I just go to pieces.
Where's Emily?
Oh, she's got another
softball game today.
Uh-oh. Uh-oh. You know
how she is when she loses.
I'm getting out of here
while the getting's good.
Oh! Howard, Howard.
What a wonderful
day, Howard, Howard.
I warned you.
Bob... Bob, Bobby,
we won both games
of a double header.
Good.
Oh, it was terrific.
The first game we
barely sneaked by,
27 to 3.
A real cliffhanger, huh?
Yeah! We were tied
till the last inning.
Then, in the first inning
of the second game,
we scored 19 times
on 22 straight walks.
Why didn't they
change the pitcher?
She had a no-hitter going.
So I was thinking
all the way home,
I can't wait to tell Bob. Oh, I can
just picture the look on his face.
That's not it.
Emily, I'm very happy for you.
It's just that something
came up at the office today.
Ah. Well, you want
to talk about it?
Well, I'll take it
as far as I can.
Um, I have this patient.
I'll call him, uh... Mr. X.
Carlin.
- No, X.
- Peterson?
- X.
- Herd.
Emily, do you want to
hear this story or not?
Oh, okay. X.
And in the strictest confidence,
he told me that he had, uh,
he had done something illegal.
You mean a patient
confessed a crime to you.
And, it's a big problem to me because
I don't know if I should tell the police.
Oh, well, the answer is simple.
You can't tell on your patient.
But if I don't tell the police,
I'm condoning the crime.
Well, then the answer is
simple. You have to turn him in.
But, Emily, it's unethical for
me to betray a confidence.
Well, then the answer is simple.
You're up the creek.
Hi.
Hi.
I was just, you
know, out for a walk,
and I thought I'd drop in.
Look. I retire in three days.
Why don't you
come back after that?
May I?
Why, certainly.
I wish you'd have called first. I
could've had the place tidied up.
I really came here
to ask you a question.
Uh, suppose a person knew
that another person
had committed a crime,
but, uh, for professional
reasons he couldn't say anything.
You know, what
would that person do?
Hello.
Well, it's about
time you called.
Yeah. I want three chocolate,
two glazed and a jelly.
Hey, look, Teri,
it's Harry Bradley.
Harry! Hi!
I'm a-I'm a doctor.
Dr., uh, Smith.
Oh, a doctor. Nice touch.
I must look exactly
like somebody else.
Now... where were we
in our little chat, Harry?
What I want to know is
how could I tell
you about a crime
without telling you
about the crime?
Okay. What crime are
we talking about here?
Well, I'm not sure
I can tell you that.
What are you, a
priest or something?
Something like that.
Why don't we guess some crimes,
and you tell us if we're right?
What letter does
the crime start with?
A?
B?
C? D?
E?
- E!
- It starts with an E!
Extortion.
Uh, escape from prison?
Impersonating an officer?
That starts with an "I."
Embalming!
Embalming isn't a crime.
If the guy's still alive?
How about embezzlement?
Embezzlement! I got it.
Hey, way to go, Sarge.
Is it bigger than a breadbox?
Is-is what bigger
than a breadbox?
It's the only question
I could think of.
Okay. Now we know
somebody who embezzled.
The only thing we've got to
do is guess who the guy is.
Out of four million
people in this city.
Oh, boy, this is fun!
Come on, let's go.
Uh, Sergeant, what would you do
if you knew something
incriminating about someone,
but you couldn't tell anybody because
you promised them you wouldn't?
Oh, I think I see
what your problem is.
You can't decide whether
you want to be a stoolie or not.
I think I've made my decision.
I'm sorry for taking
up so much time.
Oh, I'll get over
it. Oh, by the way.
Good luck with your problem.
Oh, thanks. Good
luck on your retirement.
Thank you.
I'll be glad to get away from the weirdoes
and maniacs that walk through that door.
I mean, you can't do this to me.
I'm a citizen.
A taxpayer!
Bob?
Bob?
Bob!
Yes. Yes, Carol.
I'll bet it's sharp by now.
I'll bet it is, too.
I must've had my
mind on something else.
Oh, that's okay, Bob. I can
always use it for shorthand.
Oh!
Jer-Jer, you're on
the outside again.
Yeah, Carol, I've paid
my debt to society.
But, you know, that kind of
experience changes a man.
Prison is hideous.
The food is slop.
The guards are tough.
There was this crazy guy in
my cell, kept me awake all night
with some dumb puzzle
about an embezzler.
Jerry, I offered to
put up bail, you know.
I know, Bob. But there
was a principle at stake.
You know, this morning,
when I faced that judge,
my spirit soared with the song of
a man who knows his cause is just.
They'll not soon forget
the name Jerry Robinson.
Well, what happened?
I paid my fine in pennies.
That's showing them.
Nobody knows
the trouble I've seen
Nobody knows the trouble he is.
Dr. Hartley?
I've got something
really exciting to tell you.
Carol, no calls,
no interruptions.
You know, the past 24 hours
have been very hard for me.
Well, Dr. Hartley,
forget about it.
You don't have to
worry about me anymore.
Are you gonna throw yourself
on the mercy of the court?
Nope. Throw myself
on the beaches of Rio.
Take all my money,
and I'm flying to Brazil.
I just came by here
to say bye. Bye.
Mr. Twillmer,
are you sure you're
prepared for this move?
I got my vaccination, got the
little pills for the bad water...
No. No.
Are you sure that
you'll be happy in Brazil?
You kidding me?
Sandy beaches, blue waters,
sun-bronzed women. O-ee.
Yeah, there's that.
There's also something you're
gonna be taking along with you.
Guilt.
Okay. Sandy beaches,
sun-bronzed women and guilt.
Bye.
You, uh, you can't
leave me with this.
Dr. Hartley, I
wanted to keep quiet.
You're the one that made
me open up, remember?
Well, I thought I was gonna help you.
I thought I was gonna change your life.
Well, now I'm wearing
bowties and I'm flying to Brazil.
Nice work! Thanks a lot.
Oh, Dr. Hartley,
if you ever come down to Brazil,
just ask for the rich
gringo with the great tan.
Of course... you
could still turn me in.
Well, I don't approve of what you're
doing, but I promised you I wouldn't, so
I won't. You'd better
get on your way.
What if I told you, Dr. Hartley,
that I didn't take the money?
What if I told you
that was just a test
to see if you could
really be trusted
before I opened up?
- How's that make you feel?
- Angry.
Anything else?
Relieved.
As a matter of fact, "relieved"
has just overtaken "anger."
There's one more.
Happy.
I'm happy you didn't
take the money.
Ah, wait a minute. I
didn't exactly say that.
I said, "What if I
didn't take the money?"
Anger is making a comeback.
All right, all right,
all right, Doctor.
I didn't do it. I didn't
take the money.
Trust me.
Okay, I will.
All right? Will you still
keep me on as a patient?
Of course I will.
Okay, good-good-good.
But from now on
nothing but the truth.
Okay. So help me.
I'm sorry, really, that I had
to put you through all that,
but, you know, now that I'm sure
I can really trust
you, Dr. Hartley,
I want to tell you
about my real problem.
Fine.
You see... I'm from
the planet Blothar.
It's in the Garloo Galaxy.
How long are you
going to be in town?
06x09 - Shallow Throat
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Comedian Bob Newhart portrays a psychologist whose interactions with his wife, friends, patients, and colleagues lead to humorous situations and dialogue.
Comedian Bob Newhart portrays a psychologist whose interactions with his wife, friends, patients, and colleagues lead to humorous situations and dialogue.