06x10 - A Girl in Her Twenties

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Bob Newhart Show". Aired: September 16, 1972 –; April 1, 1978.*
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Comedian Bob Newhart portrays a psychologist whose interactions with his wife, friends, patients, and colleagues lead to humorous situations and dialogue.
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06x10 - A Girl in Her Twenties

Post by bunniefuu »

"'How My Parents Met'
by Stevie Marks, age eight.

"How could I know?
I wasn't born yet.

"Sincerely, Stevie
Marks, age eight."

Isn't that cute?

Mm-hm.

Would you please
put your feet down?

I just polished
that coffee table.

Bet you let Bob keep
his feet on that table.

No, I don't.

Well, no wonder he skipped town.

He didn't skip town, Howard.

I told you, he's on a publicity
tour promoting his book.

Oh, that's right. I
forgot about that.

His book. How's it selling?

Pretty good, considering it's
not about sharks, diet or sex.

- Where's he tonight?
- Omaha.

Omaha is fantastic!

It is?

Yeah. Great runway.

What's the city like?

I have no idea.
The roofs are nice.

Would you like a drink, Howard?

Yes, I'll have Bob's usual.

Ah. Scotch on the rocks.

Yes, and, uh,
put some ice in it.

That's a good idea.

- And a cherry.
- Naturally.

Here you go. One
Howard Wallbanger.

Thank you.

Ah! Well, that
took the edge off.

Thanks for stopping by, Howard.

Having you here makes it
almost seem like I'm not alone.

Ah.

My pleasure.

You know, when you
guys moved upstairs,

I thought I was gonna be lonely.

I even tried to get the
apartment next door.

Oh! That way you could've
come by more than every day.

Too bad I couldn't
get the place.

Why couldn't you?

Well, as they say on
the plane, es ocupado.

That's Spanish
for "It's occupied."

It can't be.

Oh, maybe it means, uh,

"Don't leave the lid up."

No-no-no. I mean the apartment

can't be occupied.

I've never seen a soul go in or
out of there since we moved here.

Yeah, the landlord said
no one ever sees her.

- Her?
- Yeah, some old woman.

She lives all alone. They
say she's a real nutburger.

That's sad. She must
be so terribly lonely.

Emily, that's what happens
when you're a weirdo.

I mean, it hurts
your popularity.

Howard?

Let's pay her a friendly visit.
You know, just to say hello.

No-no-no-no-no. No-no.

Oh, come on, Howard. It's
the neighborly thing to do.

Include me out. I get
nervous around weird people.

Call me crazy, but I hate nuts.

What if she's dangerous?

Oh, don't be silly.

What if she's Tony Perkins,
pretending to be his mother?

What if she invites
us in for a shower?

- I hear rustling.
- What if she's a rustler?

Shh! Somebody's coming.

Who is it?

Uh, just Emily, not Howard.

It's just your neighbor. I
stopped by to say hello.

Well, go ahead.

Hello.

Anything else?

Oh, I thought maybe
you'd like some coffee.

Oh, no, thanks. I've got plenty.

Well, if you change
your mind, stop by.

We're in 2080.

Yeah, we don't take showers!

Yeah, honey, this
is a bad connection.

Why don't you
call me right back?

Uh, the number
here is area code 311

555-2368.

And call me right back.

I can't wait to tell you
everything that's happened.

Th-that's fine,
honey. I'll be waiting.

Excuse me. I'm using that phone.

What is this, your favorite
phone? Use one of those.

You see, you don't
understand, I'm waiting for my...

Hey! Is this Bucky Williams?

Guess who this is.

See, I'm waiting
to talk to my wife.

Think back 20 years.

Fort Hood, Texas.

Just start going through
the guys in the Fifth Battalion.

No... no... no!

See, I've got a plane to catch.

No, you're not even close.

Let me give you another clue.

I'm right-handed.

No. No!

Listen, I'm not setting this
phone down till you guess!

Bucky, he's six foot,
dark hair, brown eyes,

and he's got a mole on his arm.

Hey, buddy, do you mind?

This is personal.

I don't understand
it. The line's busy.

Bob forgot to hang up.

Well, I suppose he'll call back.

What was that?

See, that, Howard,
is a knock on the door,

something you probably
don't know anything about.

Are you the young woman who
knocked on my door last night?

Well, yes.

Have you seen my scrapbook?

No.

It's time you did.

Howard. Howard!

It's her!

The loony from next
door? Let me out.

Howard.

Oh, let me take that
book. It must be heavy.

It is.

It covers my whole career.

I'm in vaudeville, you know.

Isn't vaudeville dead?

Don't tell me you're
one of those people

who thinks the
talkies will catch on.

Not me.

Uh, won't you
come in, Miss, uh...

Dubois. Grace Dubois.

Of Grace and Irving,
the Dancing Dubois?

Tops in taps. Two
happy little hoofers

with a song in their hearts
and a dance on their soles.

Please.

You call me Grace.

Well, Grace, I'm Emily,
and this is Howard Borden.

Newlyweds.

Oh, no, no. Yeah,
we're not married.

Oh, well, this is the Jazz Age.

Lots of people living
in sin these days.

No, no, no, we're
not living in sin.

Oh, that's the way
to look at it, dear.

Are you in show business?

Exactly, Howard.

Vaudeville is my life.

Uh, where are you working now?

Well, at the moment
I'm temporarily retired.

I decided to take some time off

after Irving passed on.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Don't be, my dear.

It was the cat's meow
while the curtain was up.

Aw.

Well, uh, would you
excuse me, Grace?

I'm going to get some
coffee. Would you like some?

Oh, no, thanks.
I still have plenty.

But I wouldn't mind

a cup to drink
here, if you like.

Uh, Howard, could I,
uh, see you for a second?

- Excuse me, Grace.
- Yes.

Howard, that woman
is living in 1920.

Don't be silly. The
Hammonds live in 1920.

She lives right across the hall.

Ah. My mistake.

"Do-It-Yourself Coping."

Must be interesting.

It is. My husband wrote it.

No, he didn't. A
Robert Hartley did.

No, you see, my
husband is Robert Hartley.

You don't mean
Hartley the Great?

Well, he has his moments.

The world-famous magician?

No, my husband
is a psychologist.

Oh, my.

I've always wanted to meet
a psychologist, Howard.

I'll introduce you to one.

So, this is your scrapbook, huh?

Yes, it is.

Yes. Oh, here are Irving and I

when we played the Palace.

Aw.

And here I am with Al Jolson.

Oh, Howard, there
she is with Al Jolson.

And here I am...
without Al Jolson.

Well, I must be running along.

I'm expecting a
call from my agent.

About my comeback, you know.

Well, Grace, I am so
happy you stopped by.

I hope we'll be
seeing you again soon.

Oh, my, that'd be nice.

I don't see many people these
days, except my niece, of course.

I'm afraid my social life has slowed
down a tad since the Depression.

Ah. Well, things
get better in the 40s.

There was a w*r, but we win it.

What a lovely young
couple you are.

Howard and Emily.

- Oh, but you see, actually...
- Howard and Emily?

I don't suppose you're the Howard
and Emily that play the Orpheum circuit?

No. Oh, that couldn't be.

Howard is a clown.

Well, I can be serious
when I need to be.

Well, gotta run.

Don't take any wooden nickels.

Toodle-oo, you two!

Oh, I'm sorry to bother
you. I'm Nora Dubois.

Have you by any chance seen the
elderly woman who lives next door?

She's my Aunt Grace.

Well, I saw her this morning,

but I haven't seen
her since then.

Oh, dear. I'm so
worried about her.

Aunt Grace never
leaves her apartment.

Oh, well, I'm sure she's fine.

Why don't we go back and see
if she left a note or something?

Oh, I don't think we'll be able to
find anything in that apartment.

Oh, my!

Unbelievable, isn't it?

Well... it is Grace.

Exactly.

Oh, Aunt Grace!

Where have you been?

Oh, I've just taken
the most delightful tour

of the apartment building.

We saw a trash masher,

electric garage doors,

washing machines,
just like Buck Rogers.

How about the candy machine? Ha!

The only one for blocks
that has Baby Ruth's.

Oh, speaking of Babe Ruth,

has anyone heard how the
Bambino did at the plate today?

Aunt Grace, Babe Ruth is dead.

Oh, they say that every
time he gets into a slump.

Do you realize how worried I was

when I arrived and
you weren't here?

Oh, were you? Oh, my
dear, oh, I'm so sorry.

You know very well
we're not supposed to

wander around the
building with strange people.

Oh, but Howard isn't strange.

Much.

He's Emily's husband.

Well, no, you see, actually...

Well, you could have at least
left me a note. I was frantic.

Oh. Oh, dear, I...
Oh, Auntie Grace.

I brought your groceries.

Why don't you go in the
kitchen and put them away?

- Yes, Nora.
- I'll help you, Gracie.

Oh, thank you. It's
just through here.

- Is that the door?
- Yeah.

I do think Aunt Grace
will be more comfortable

when she gets out of here.

Oh, is she moving?

Well, it was difficult
for us to do this,

but we've found a lovely place.

Really. It's fully staffed,
with doctors on call.

Wait a minute.

Are you sending
Grace to a rest home?

Well, as soon as the consulting
psychiatrist interviews her,

I'll start legal proceedings.

It's for her own good.

Miss Dubois, I don't
mean to speak out of turn,

but, I mean, your
aunt seems fine to me.

I mean, a little bit
eccentric maybe, but

just as sane as the next person.

Dum-duh-duh-duh da-da-da-da-da

Or maybe the next
person after that.

Ba-bum-pum da-da-da-da-da

What exactly are
you looking for?

Well, a psychiatrist is coming to
Grace's house to ask her questions,

and I want to see if he has
the authority to commit her.

Emily, you shouldn't be snooping
into people's lives like that.

Thursday the ninth.
"See Emily after sex."

That's "after six."

Well, I'm just telling you two,

the lady is perfectly happy

and safe in her apartment.

And besides, we're
right next door.

This looks good.
Advanced Sexual Therapy.

That's gonna help me save Grace?

No, but it looks good.

Uh-oh. Here it is.

He can do it, based
on one interview.

Emily, I still don't think you
should be poking your nose

into other people's
lives like that.

What's this? What's this?

Two tickets to the
Packers-Bears game?

How come Bob didn't invite me?

Because he invited me.

It's always Emily.
Emily this. Emily that.

Yeah. You'd think he was
married to me or something.

Grace, it's Emily.

Come in, dear. I'll
be right with you.

Ooh, pinch me.

I told you.

Ahh!

Hello there. Just washing
out some silk stockings.

Oh, Grace, I'd like you to
meet a dear friend of mine.

This is Carol Bondurant.

How do you do, Car...

Are you any relation to Harry
Bondurant, the Human Cannonball?

No, I don't think so.

Oh, too bad. He made a fortune.

They paid him 100 a
week and 10 cents a mile.

Well, I'll make some coffee.

Oh, Grace. I want to talk to
you about something important.

Would you mind if
Carol made the coffee?

- Not at all.
- Well, coming right up.

In there.

The coffee grinder's
next to the butter churn.

Butter churn?

Ah! A built-in.

Won't you sit down?

Grace, uh...

you know, I mean,
your niece told you

that a psychiatrist is
coming to see you soon.

Oh, yes, another guest.

I'm starting to
get more visitors

than backstage at Minsky's.

Well, I'm afraid this visitor

isn't coming for social reasons.

He's going to ask
you some questions

to see if you should
go to Sunset Haven.

Oh, foo. Nora took
me to that place once.

So boring, filled
with old people.

No, I'll just tell him kindly

that I'd rather not go.

Well, uh,

I'm afraid if he thinks
you belong there,

he can make you go.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

Why, Emily, what
am I going to do?

Well, Grace, see, I've
been doing some research,

and all we have to
do is convince him

that you're in
touch with the times.

Now, the first thing
we're gonna have to do

something about
is this apartment.

My apartment?

Well, you know, some of
the furniture's a little, uh...

Oh, yes, I know what you mean.

I told Irving it
was a little jazzy.

Grace, would you
mind if we moved

some of the furniture
in the bedroom?

You know, just for
the psychiatrist's visit.

If you must, you must.

Now, we are gonna give you a
crash course in current events.

Come on. And we're
gonna start with politics.

Oh, don't talk to
me about politics.

With all those latest
Washington scandals,

the president and
all of his friends

involved in corruption
and skullduggery.

Grace, you know about Watergate?

I'm talking about Teapot
Dome. What's a Watergate?

Oh, I love your kitchen!

The breadbox, the
wood burning stove.

I found some pancake mix

with a picture of Aunt
Jemima when she was a child.

Vice-President Mondale,

air pollution, the bionic.

The bionic! The
bionic what, Emily?

The bionic anything.

All right, Time,

Newsweek, and Atlantic Monthly.

I think that looks
impressive enough.

How do I look, Emily?

Oh, Grace. You
look so beautiful.

Oh, thank you for taking
me shopping, Emily.

That department
store was so exciting.

Imagine moving stairs!

Uh, Grace. Grace,
that's the doorbell.

So now you just sit
down, and you relax,

and everything is
gonna be just fine.

Hello. Won't you come in?

Hello, I'm Dr. Malcolm.

You're a much younger
woman than I expected.

Oh, well, I'm not Miss Dubois.
I'm Emily Hartley, her neighbor.

How do you do?

This is Miss Dubois.

How do you do, Doctor?

How do you do, Miss Dubois?

Doctor, has anyone ever told you

that you look like
Francis X. Bushman?

Why, no.

- Uh, Grace...
- Just buttering him up.

Have a seat, Doctor.

Thank you.

Well, I just came by to borrow

one of the many
weekly news magazines

that Mrs. Dubois gets.

Do you suppose
Emily could join us

for our little chat,
Dr. Malcolm?

- I don't see why not.
- Oh.

As you know, Miss Dubois,
your niece Nora asked me

to stop by to talk to you.

She believes that
you might be better off

in a different environment.

Ask me any questions
you want to, Doctor.

Tell me, Mrs. Dubois, do
you know what year this is?

As President Jimmy
Carter would say,

"It's 1977."

And the day of the week?

Well, in the words of
the Speaker of the House,

Tip O'Neill, Wednesday.

You seem to have quite
an interest in politics.

Quoting U.N. Ambassador
Andrew Young,

indeed I have.

Well, tell me.

What do you do for fun?

You know, hobbies,
television, movies.

Oh, I adore the moving pictures.

Especially all those
new movie stars:

Robert Redford, Barbra
Streisand, Jean Harlow...

Jean Harlow?

Oh, did I say Jean Harlow?

I meant Jean Tierney,
or was it Gene Rayburn?

Well, you see, I think
what Miss Dubois means

is that she likes to go to a lot of
old movies. You know, revivals.

- Isn't that what you meant,
Grace?
- Yes.

I would prefer it if
we let Miss Dubois

tell us what she means.

Of course.

So, you like old movies?

Yes, but the stage
is my first love.

I used to be on the
stage myself, you know.

- Really?
- Yes.

My agent keeps talking
about a comeback.

That must be my
agent calling now.

No, Grace, that's the doorbell.

Oh, my. So it is.

They sound so much alike.

Oh, Howard, dear. Come on in.

Hello.

Dr. Malcolm, this
is Howard Borden.

I stopped by to return
this book I borrowed

from Miss Dubois.

Modern Economics, Philosophy,

and Political Stuff
for Smart People.

Sounds like heavy reading.

Yes, it weighs about 10 pounds.

Well, could we continue, please?

Tell me, Miss Dubois, do you remember
what happened on December 7th?

Indeed I do.

That's when Conlon and
Ryan opened at the Palace.

Thattagirl, Grace.

Oh, no. That's not right.

Uh, December 7th
was, uh... pearls.

Oh,

that's when Pearl LaTour
and her trained doves

opened at the Winter Garden.

No, you see, Grace,
I think Dr. Malcolm

is talking about the
famous bombing.

Oh, you can say that again.

Worst act in show business.

Grace, you don't know anything
about Pearl Harbor, do you?

- No.
- Or World w*r II?

No.

We covered that, but I forgot.

Emily, I'm so sorry. I tried.

That's all right.

Oh, no.

No, it isn't.

Young man...

my niece probably told
you that I live in the past.

Well, she's right. I
do live in the past.

And quite happily, thank you.

In my world,
there's no arms race,

no air pollution, no
crime in the streets.

Mine is a world
of happy memories

and carefree times.

And if it's good enough
for the Dolly Sisters

and the Seven Little Foys,

it's good enough for me.

So...

Poor Emily.

Don't feel bad.

Why, you and Howard
are the first people

who really cared about
me since Irving d*ed.

I want you to know I
appreciate it very much.

Oh, Grace.

Has anyone ever told you,

you are the bee's knees?

And dear Howard.

Sweet Howard.

Thank you for showing
me the washing machines.

Maybe next time I can
show you the rinse cycle.

Well,

I'll be seeing you at
Sunset Haven, Doctor.

I don't think I will be
seeing you, Miss Dubois.

I don't understand.

Grace, I've been a psychiatrist

for a long time now,

and I only wish that half the
so-called normal people I've met

were as happy and well-adjusted

in their worlds as
you are in yours.

You've got health,
security, and most important,

you've got friends
that care about you.

I think you're better off here.

And that's that.

- Oh, Grace!
-
Wait a minute. Hold on.

You're not taking her
anywhere. You hear me?

I mean, she knows
all about politics.

I mean, Henry Kissinger, Henry
Cabot Lodge, Henry Winkler.

Cool it, Howard.
She's all right.

Yeah, she's all right.

She reads the Atlantic
Monthly every week.

Tell me, Mr. Borden.

Have you ever
considered the swell times

to be had at Sunset Haven?

Not really.

Oh, it's a wonderful place.

Beautiful surroundings,

all sorts of
recreational facilities.

Any chicks?
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