06x12 - 'Twas the Pie Before Christmas

[bunniefuu]

Oh, coming. Let me help.

Oh, Bob, you got the tree.

Where do you want
me to put it, Emily?

Somewhere out of sight.

Well, I know it isn't as
pretty as last year's tree.

It looks like it is
last year's tree.

Bob, is that the best
tree you could find?

Well, Emily, I went to this lot,

and there was a lot of, you
know, big, thick, bushy trees,

but this little guy was over in
the corner and he said to me,

"Dr. Hartley, if you
don't take me home,

"nobody will this Christmas."

Oh, honey, you have always been
a sucker for the runt in the litter.

And the skinny little waif
that nobody else wants.

That's what my mother
said at our wedding.

Yours, too?

Oh, by the way,
your parents called.

They're having a terrific time.

They said Christmas in Arizona

is everything they
hoped it would be.

Yeah, my mother has
always had this fantasy

about waking up
Christmas day with a tan.

Yeah, this is gonna be the
first Christmas without the family.

It's gonna seem kind of lonely.

A lot of people spend
Christmas alone.

Jerry does his laundry
on Christmas day.

His laundry? How sad.

He thinks it's great.

He said you don't have
to wait for the dryers.

Hey, Bob, you know,
I just got a great idea.

Why don't we give a
party on Christmas day?

I mean, think of all the people we
know who are alone at Christmas.

You know, Jerry and Howard,

and Mrs. Bakerman, Mr. Carlin.

Well, Emily, it's a good idea,

but I don't think the
group would come.

They get kind of depressed
around Christmas time.

Mr. Carlin's the only man that thinks
Christmas isn't commercial enough.

Makes you warm all over.

Listen, Bob, maybe the
group would feel better

if they didn't have to
spend Christmas alone.

All right, we'll have a party.

Oh, honey, that's great.

Merry Christmas, Bob and Emily.

Oh, Merry Christmas, Howard.

Oh, rats, you
already got a tree.

What's wrong, Howard?

Well, I got you one up in Maine,

you know, the timber country.

Oh, Howard, that's
so thoughtful of you.

Well, Howard,
we'd love to see it.

Okay.

The tree is in here?

Yeah, that's the finest
quality aluminum.

That's a favorite
among the lumberjacks.

Don't lumberjacks use
real trees at Christmas time?

Are you kidding? They
see real trees all the time.

They don't want to come
home and see a thing like that.

That'd be like Bob coming home

and seeing a loony in his house.

I see your point, Howard.

Excuse me.

Hi, Bob.

- Oh, hi, Jerry.
- Hi, Howard. Hi, Emily.

- Emily: Hi, Jer.
- Howard: Oh, hi, Jer.

- So, what's doin'?
- Oh, we're just about

to put some
ornaments on our tree.

Better put some
branches on it first.

Say, listen.

While I've got
both you guys here,

how about you coming to
our party on Christmas day?

Ah, I'd love to.

What date does
Christmas fall on this year?

The 25th, I think.

That late, huh?

Howard, do you fly
upside down a lot?

Don't be silly,

I'd get coffee all
over the ceiling.

What about it, Jerry?
Can you come to our party?

Well, I don't know,

it'll really cut into
my laundry schedule.

Yeah, I guess I can fit it in.

- Great.
- Yeah, we appreciate
the sacrifice, Jerry.

I get kind of sentimental
this time of year, you know.

Listen, Bob, I got tickets
to the hockey game tonight.

You want to come along?

No, I think Emily and I are
gonna decorate the tree.

Uh, Jerry, I'd...

I'd like to go to the
hockey game with you.

Oh, yeah, Howard.

Look, you know
anything about hockey?

If there's one thing I
hate it's having to answer

a lot of dumb questions
all night, you know.

Hey, don't worry about me.

I know hockey
backwards and forwards.

I mean, hockey is
my middle name.

Okay, let's go, pal.

Yeah. Who's pitching?

Carol. You know
what you're lookin' at?

A hockey puck.

But what's that black
thing in your hand?

This is the actual puck used
in the actual game last night

between the Black
Hawks and the Flyers.

This puck was hit into
the stands, I caught it,

had it autographed personally
in the locker room by Stan Mikita.

I don't see anything.

Just as well, he has
a lousy signature.

Jerry, that is really great.

Well, I'm glad you know enough
about hockey to be impressed.

You know, there's something
I've always wondered about hockey.

How do they get that big
chunk of ice through the door?

Thief. Rotten guy.
Give me back my puck.

Howard, it's not your puck.

- I caught it, it's mine.
- Well, I touched it first.

You didn't touch it,
it hit you in the head.

Yeah. Thank God I got my
hand out of the way in time.

Something tells me
this is as interesting

as this argument's gonna get.

Tell him to give
that back to me.

I mean, he took it from me.

I didn't take it from him,

it ricocheted off his forehead,

He didn't even stop
eating his popcorn.

It didn't hit me in the mouth.

I mean, I deserve it.

I mean, I suffered the wound.

Your Band-Aid's
on the wrong side.

No, it's not.

The sticky side always
goes against the skin.

This is my puck

and I'm keeping it, Mr. Borden.

It's Howard to you.

Why are you so upset, Howard?

You're not even a hockey fan.

Well, it's important to me.

I want to show my grandkids
that puck some day and say,

that puck hit their
granddaddy in the head.

Well, I'm sure that'll answer
a lot of their questions.

Well, I'm glad
you're on my side.

My head, my hockey puck!

My sentiments exactly, Howard.

Good morning, Carol.

Don't you even want to
know what he was doing here?

I learned a long time ago

never to try find out
what Howard's doing.

Good policy, Bob.
Your group's waiting.

Oh, good. Any messages?

No, but your stuff
came from the printer's.

Oh, Christmas card
came out nice, huh?

Yeah. And they printed up
your rate increase forms, too.

Oh, those.

You want me to mail
'em out today, Bob?

No, no, the group
gets depressed enough

around Christmas time.

I don't want them to
know I'm raising their rates.

Do you really have
to do that, Bob?

Well, it's either that
or cut my overhead.

You know, like lay
off the secretary.

Oh, gouge the suckers.

Maybe I'll give them
their Christmas cards,

that may cheer
them up a little bit.

We wish you a Merry Christmas

We wish you a Merry Christmas

We wish you a Merry Christmas

And a happy New Year

The right place.

Merry Christmas, Dr. Hartley.

Doesn't Christmas
make you happy all over?

It makes me happy
that you're so happy.

Isn't that nice?

I'm happy because
Doris is recovering nicely.

What happened?

She's in the hospital
with a hernia.

That's too bad.

She got it when she
had to change a flat tire.

She got a hernia
changing a flat tire?

She didn't use a jack.

I'm in a wonderful mood.

I have finally been assigned

to the express check
out line of my store.

Nine items or less
and cut the gab,

the speed is intoxicating.

Oh, we're all very proud of you.

Do you know that at full speed,

the conveyor belt will
put a casaba melon

right through the front window?

It's frightening.

And I have other news.

I have a new boyfriend.

- Isn't that nice?
- He's not much of a looker.

You're no magazine
cover yourself, Bakerman.

Mr. Carlin, remember, you're
supposed to be in the Christmas spirit.

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, Bakerman.

Merry Christmas.

Mr. Carlin, what put you
in such a joyous mood?

Well, something
happened to me last week

that made me think of
Christmas in a whole new light.

Tell us all about it.

I got a lot of reason
to be thankful.

My father just recovered
from a very serious illness.

That's wonderful news.

He never would have made it

if it weren't for that
blood I sold him.

Well, that's what
Christmas is all about.

Well, speaking of Christmas,

I'd like to invite you to a party
at my house on Christmas day.

Oh, what a wonderful
man you are, Dr. Hartley.

- And what a wonderful time
that will be.
- Yeah.

Will I have to bring a gift?

No, you've given
enough, Mr. Carlin.

Hey, what you got in
your hand, Dr. Hartley?

Oh, these are your
Christmas cards,

I may as well give them to you

- right now.
- Oh, thank you.

Thanks.

Aren't they beautiful.

Excuse me, Dr. Hartley

Could I see you
in the outer office?

It's very urgent.

Sure. Excuse me.

The printer made a tiny
mistake on your Christmas cards.

What mistake?

"A joyous holiday
and happy New Year.

"Effective January 1st,

"fees will be raised 10 percent.

"Noel."

They printed the rate increase
notices inside the Christmas cards.

I'd better get in there
before they open their cards.

Group: We wish
you a lousy Christmas

We wish you a lousy Christmas

We wish you a lousy Christmas

And a crummy New
Year It's sort of catchy.

You know, this is
the first year that

the group is feeling
good about Christmas,

and then Carol ruined it.

Well, I'm not sure it's
all Carol's fault, Bob.

Emily, she should have
checked those cards.

I mean, I have
a right to be mad.

How mad did you get?

Remember how mad
I got when I decided to

fix the plumbing
underneath the sink,

and you accidentally
turned on the water?

Oh, yeah, I remember that.

- Double it.
- Oh.

I don't know, maybe
I got mad at Carol

because I raised my rates.

Oh, Bob, don't feel bad.

You haven't raised
your rates in years.

Besides, you're still charging
less than other psychologists.

Yeah, you're right.

Well, have you explained
that to your group?

They've been too busy making
up nasty Christmas carols.

You should have
heard what they did with

"Chestnuts roasting
on an open fire."

- Mr. Peterson.
- Shh!

Are we alone?

Well, that's my
wife standing there.

Want me to leave?

Can she be trusted?

I'd like to think so.

Are you still mad
because I raised my rates?

Well, I was at first. I
was furious with you.

I was gonna stand
up here like a man,

give you a piece of my mind,

and show you who
you're messing with.

What made you change your mind?

I was afraid you'd be mad at me.

Mr. Peterson, what
is this all about?

Dr. Hartley, Mrs. Hartley,

before I say anything, you've got
to promise it won't leave this room.

You did not hear this from me,

I did not come here tonight,

you've never met me before.

Whatever you say, stranger.

Mr. Carlin is really upset
about your rate increase.

He's put out a contract
for a hit man to get you.

You're kidding.

After the session today,

Carlin called an organization
named Pie, Incorporated.

For a slight fee,

they hit people in
the face with a pie.

I've heard about
those organizations.

I should have guessed
Mr. Carlin was a customer.

Customer?

He's got a revolving
charge account.

Okay, laugh if you want,

but you're a marked man.

Now, don't tell
Carlin I squealed.

- You know what he'd do to me.
- Banana cream.

Mr. Carlin has gone
too far this time.

Well, believe it or not,
this doesn't upset me.

I mean, at least it's a
healthy, harmless outlet

for Mr. Carlin's hostilities.

Besides,

you can't hit what
you can't catch.

Well, it's off my
conscience now.

Thanks for the
warning, Peterson.

That's okay, Dr. Hartley.

I just didn't want
to see you get hurt.

I'll get it.

It's for you.

Good morning, Carol.

Good morning, Dr. Hartley.

How are you?

Fine, thank you.

Good.

Carol, why don't we forget about
that little fight we had yesterday?

It's forgotten.

Why don't we just, you
know, bury the hatchet?

I hold no grudges.

Well, good, because now we're
acting like two mature adults.

Yes, we are.

- Bob, you got
a minute to talk?
- No, I don't, Jer.

That's okay, I just
want you to listen.

Bob, I'm not coming
to your Christmas party.

Oh, sorry to hear that, Jerry.

I just can't be around
Howard Borden.

The man is petty,
stupid and deceitful

Well, that doesn't mean
he can't be fun at parties.

Jerry, you and Howard
aren't still fighting

over that silly
hockey puck, are you?

I'm afraid it's blown
into something

much bigger than that, Bob.

We got together last night
to talk this thing through,

and the stupid jerk started
calling me names, the imbecile.

Jerry, why don't you break down

and just buy a hockey puck?

You are missing the point, Bob.

That puck is authentic,
it was used in a game,

it's autographed,
it's priceless.

I'm just sorry I can't
come to your party is all.

Excuse me so very
much, Dr. Hartley,

but I do have some
messages for you.

Mr. Peterson called and said
he can't come to your party

because Mr. Carlin
found out he squealed.

He's afraid Carlin will get him.

Mr. Carlin called and said he
wouldn't be caught dead at your party.

Howard Borden called and
said he'd come to your party

when the North
Pole freezes over.

I don't think he has a complete
grasp of that expression.

Mrs. Bakerman called to say

thanks but no
thanks to your party.

And I'm not coming to your party

because I'd probably be
blamed for ruining your party.

Merry Christmas.

How are you and
Emily getting along?

You know, Jerry,

I'm starting to learn the
true meaning of humbug.

Why is your group so mad at you?

I raised my rates.

At Christmas time, Bob?

Nice timing.

It was a mistake, Jerry.

Now Mr. Carlin's mad at me,

and he hired a guy to hit
me with a pie in the face.

A pie? That's funny, Bob.

I just hope that I'm
here when it happens.

Now that's funny.

Bob, you didn't cancel the food.

I thought you were
gonna cancel it.

What are we gonna
do with all this stuff?

It'll take us years to eat it.

Where's Howard
when you need him?

I just thought you
would call the caterer

when you knew nobody was coming.

Emily, the food was
your part of the party.

Oh, Bob, I just thought you
would naturally think to do it.

Well, I didn't think to do it
because I thought you did it.

- Oh, come on, Bob.
- All right,
all right, Emily,

let's not get in a fight.

You're all I got left.

All right. I'm sorry, honey.

Well, according to my
new Christmas watch,

which you just got me,

the party would be
starting just about now.

Oh, Bob, forget about the party.

I mean, who needs all
those people around?

We can have a perfectly
nice Christmas just alone,

the two of us.

Yeah, we'll have
a great Christmas.

Want to turn in?

The party would be going
real strong around now.

Just about this time we'd
be toasting all our friends,

if we had any.

Bob. Bob, now, if that's a pie,

just remember to duck.

Oh, hi. Hi, Carol.

- Hi, boss.
- I thought you weren't coming.

Well, I was taking a
ride in your elevator,

and it stopped at your floor.

Carol, where's Larry?

Oh, he's snowed in in some
dumpy ski resort in Switzerland.

Aww, the poor devil.

Bob, I am sorry about
the Christmas cards,

it was all my fault.

No, Carol, I should have
checked the cards myself.

Then it was all your fault.

Don't push your luck.

- Forgive me?
- Forgiven.

Come on in, have
something to eat.

- I'll take your coat.
- Thank you.

Hi, Dr. Hartley.
Hi, Mrs. Hartley.

- Hi, Carol.
- Carol: Hi.

Mr. Peterson, I thought
you weren't coming?

Well, I wasn't.

But then I heard
Carlin wasn't coming,

so I thought I'd be safe.

If he does show up,
I'll run out the back way.

There is no back way.

I'll make one.

Well, we're awfully glad
you decided to come.

- Would you like
something to eat?
- Oh, I sure would.

Great. Have a side of beef.

Oh, thanks, Mrs. Hartley.

And here's a
Christmas gift for you.

- Christmas flowers?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, they're lovely.

They look the same as the ones
we sent to Doris in the hospital.

Well, they are the same.
All the stores were closed.

Oh.

Well, it's better to
give than receive.

In this case, it's
the same thing.

I'll put them in water.

Why don't you just put
your coat over there?

Gee, Mr. Peterson, I'm sorry we
don't have a Christmas present for you.

Oh, Dr. Hartley,

Doris under sedation
is Christmas enough.

Sorry about your tree.

Hi, Bob.

Oh, hi, Carol. Oh,
hi, Mr. Peterson.

Hi, Emily. Am I too
late for the party?

I thought you weren't coming?

Well, I was gonna
stay home, I was mad.

I mean, I was really mad.

Then I decided to come
to Bob and Emily's party.

Oh, Howard, you got
the Christmas spirit, huh?

Well, I forgot what
I was mad about.

Oh, well, you
see, you and... Em.

Well, Howard, come
on in, have some food.

Is this all there is?

Merry Christmas, Mr. Borden.

Oh, well, thank
you, Mr. Peterson.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Bakerman, I
thought you weren't coming.

Well, Dr. Hartley,

I decided that you have to
raise your rates now and then.

You're good for us,
and you deserve it.

Well, thank you.

How come you didn't bring your
gentleman friend along with you?

I did. He's downstairs
parking the car.

He has a beautiful
set of wheels.

And his car isn't bad, either.

That's a good one,
Mrs. Bakerman.

This is your gift, Dr. Hartley.

The stores were all closed,
so I went by the supermarket

and I picked up this
week's special for you.

It's a "Charlie's
Angels" lunch bucket.

Well, very nice.

You don't already
have one, do you?

You can never have too many.

Well, why don't you join
the party, have some food?

- Thank you.
- Let me take your coat.

Oh, thank you, Emily.

And a Merry Christmas to you.

Man: Lillian.

Oh, Dr. Hartley,
that's my new beau.

Come in.

Everybody, this
is Saul Lebowitz.

Hello, everybody.

Oh, my gosh, it's really him!

Well, looks like
our quiet afternoon

turned into a terrific party.

I guess we're irresistible.

Personally, I think
it's the free food.

Oh, great grub, Emily.

Yeah.

Where's Borden?

I just remembered why
I didn't want to be here.

I've been lookin'
for you, Borden.

Well, I'm right here, Robinson.

Want to settle this
thing once and for all.

- So do I, Robinson.
- Well, good!

Dr. Hartley, you've got to
stop them, I hate fighting.

It's gonna be hard to
pick a favorite in this one.

Look, you two, don't you think
you've gone just a bit too far?

You can't go a bit too
far with a blithering idiot.

Yeah, I haven't
blithered in months.

Look, Howard, I've
stood about all I can.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

- Oh, yeah?
- Hold it, hold it.

I think I see a trend
developing here.

Look, do you two realize
how ridiculous you look?

I mean, you're
acting like children.

As a matter of fact,

we've all acted like children
in the last couple days.

Including myself.

This is Christmas day.

Can't you just push aside
whatever differences you have,

and be friends?

And listen to the man.

He's a doctor.

Oh, Howard. What did you
want that stupid puck for anyway?

I was gonna give it to
my son for Christmas.

Why didn't you tell me that?

Here. Wish him a
Merry Christmas.

Wow, Merry Christmas, Jer.

Now that's better.

That's beautiful.

Let's all sing "Deck the Halls."

Deck the halls
with boughs of holly

Fa, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la

'Tis the season to be jolly

Fa, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la

Okay, hold it, everybody.

Hold it!

Okay, stupid, twice
you hit the wrong person.

There aren't gonna be
any more slip ups, stupid.

This is Robert Hartley.

Okay, stupid, hit him!

Don't call me stupid.

Merry Christmas, everybody.