06x13 - Freudian Ship

[bunniefuu]

Ahoy, Captain Hartley.

Ready to weigh
anchor and heave to?

Emily, you don't know how much
I'm looking forward to this cruise.

Ah! Ten sun-filled days

of the ultimate
seagoing experience

with a congenial crew
that will treat you like a king.

You sound like you
swallowed the brochure.

Bob, what's all that?

Oh, I thought I'd take
along a couple files,

you know, to work
on on board ship

if I run out of things to do.

Oh, honey, the whole
purpose of this trip

is for you to relax

and for us to
spend time together.

You know, you
came home last night.

You fell asleep on the couch
in front of the television set.

I mean, I thought
you were Howard.

Uh, all right. How...
How about one file?

It's, uh, Mr. Carlin's.

All of that?

No, this isn't all of it,

but we don't have time
to stop by the warehouse.

Ah.

All right, I'll
leave it all here.

You know, Bob, I'm really glad

you decided against
a bon voyage party.

You know, I don't want to
get a lot of clever little gifts.

I'm too b*at to chuckle.

- Yeah.
- Hi, there.

Uh-oh. Warm up your chuckler.

All right, now, I know
we promised no presents,

but I saw this, I said "Bob
and Emily have to have it."

Ha ha ha!

Hey, a big cork.

Well, sure, in case
your boat springs a leak.

Don't you just love it?

Oh, uh, we didn't want a party.

Oh, come on,
Bob, just a little one.

I mean, it's hardly
imported champagne.

Not on my salary... hint-hint.

But I hear it's not too bad.

All right, just one. I...

The only reason,
I've never had...

Phil's Champagne before.

What vintage is this?

Tuesday.

Oh, you lucky ducks.

I envy you ten fun-filled
days on the Caribbean

where you enjoy
spacious staterooms,

fun-filled activities,

and unforgettable
dining experiences.

I gave her one of our brochures.

Oh, by the way,
if any of my clients

have to get in touch with me...

You tell them he was
captured by pirates

and they won't be takin'
any messages... arr!

Oh, uh, Carol, by the way,

thanks for the cork
and the champagne,

but we really should
be getting along.

Look, now, I know
we said no presents,

but let's make a deal.

I won't believe you when
you say no presents,

and you won't believe
me when I say no presents.

Jerry, you really shouldn't
have gotten us anything.

Oh, I didn't for you,
Emily. That's just for Bob.

A dress?

Yeah. You see, you wear that,

and they'll let you
on the life boat first.

Isn't that funny?

Hysterical, Jerry.

Champagne, Jer?

Oh, sure. Wouldn't
be a bon voyage party

without champagne.

Well, I hardly call this
a bon voyage party.

I hardly call this champagne.

Oh, great. You haven't left yet.

I know you didn't want a party,

but I couldn't resist
giving you a little gift.

Aw.

"Shark Repellant."

Actually, this old
sailor said once

the best thing to do
when a shark att*cks

is punch him in the
nose with your fist.

An old sailor?

Yeah, I think his name
was Lefty something.

Champagne, Howard?

You have any Phil's?

Well, what else would one serve

on a bon voyage party?

Oh.

Tuesday, isn't it?

Well, Bob, we did it.

We are finally not home.

You know, I can't believe

that Howard isn't
going to be popping in

every five minutes. Yeah.

It couldn't be.

Ah. Hi. Bob.

Oh, hi, Emily. My name's Graham.

I'll be your social
director for the cruise.

Uh, let me just read off
some of our activities:

swimming, shuffleboard,
badminton, table tennis,

quoits, golf, skeet
sh**ting, bridge, charades,

Simon Says, discussions,
debates, lectures,

community singsongs,
Bavarian folk dancing...

See you, Graham.

Bingo, volleyball,
dance contests...

Bob, did he say skeet sh**ting?

I don't know. I'm still
working on quoits.

Emily, look, you can do
whatever you want to do.

I'm going to relax and read.

Bob, I have always lived my life

by one basic philosophy:

nobody should be
forced to sh**t a skeet.

If you see me talking
shop, taking down notes,

or even thinking
about work, stop me.

Gotcha. Who knows?

We may come up with an activity

that isn't even on the list.

Maybe that's what quoits is.

Uh, keep my place.

Hey, Wally!

I beg your pardon?

Oh, come on now. You remember.

That teachers'
convention in Dallas.

Soon as I saw
you, I said, "Mother,

that is Wally Babcock
and his wife Charlene."

How you doing, Charlene,
you cute little devil?

We're not the Babcocks.

- Are you sure?
- Positive.

Oh, that's too bad.

Well, we've
learned to live with it.

Well, heck, you look
like nice people, so here.

I'm Vern Hackler,

and this here's
the little woman.

I'm Bob Hartley,
and this here's Emily.

Uh-huh. Well,
lookit there, Mother.

They got a room just like ours.

We're living right
here next door to you.

Uh-oh.

Where we got that big
picture of Switzerland,

all they've got to
look at is the ocean.

That's too bad.

Well, you must know somebody.

Uh, do, uh, do
you two travel a lot?

Oh, sure. We've been all over.

San Anton',
Hallettsville, Beeville.

But I told the little woman
as soon as I retired,

I was going to take
her around the world.

Well, you're going to be
disappointed after Beeville.

Well, that's what I tell her.

See, this is my idea:

if it ain't in Texas,
you don't need it.

See, one... one reason Emily
and I are taking this cruise

is we wanted to
have some time alone.

Eh, yeah.

Oh. Oh! I get the picture.

Well, come on, Mother, come on.

Let's go unpack.

It was nice meeting you.

Oh, likewise. I'm sorry.
I didn't get your name.

- Mother, come on!
- Uhh!

D-Do you believe them?

Well, they sure are friendly.

A little bit of Vern
goes a long way.

Oh, honey, it's a big
ship, hundreds of people.

We'll probably never
see them again.

Excuse me. I forgot to
set something up here.

"Hartley, Hackler."

Hey, boy, that's dandy, huh?

What?

Well, we're gonna
be eating together

for the next ten days!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Hey! Over here!

Well, so much for the theory

that farm people
eat dinner early.

The little woman and me

have been waiting
dinner on you two.

Vern ate ten rolls.

You know, the
darnedest thing happened.

The Hamiltons and the Harshmans,

they was settin' over there,

and after five minutes
of real good conversation,

they decided to go
eat in their rooms.

How odd.

They lasted five whole minutes?

Vern, what did you
do before you retired?

I was teaching manual crafts
at Harry Truman High School.

And in my prime,

I could make an entire wallet

in six minutes.

Does that include
catching the cow?

Ah, you're just a-funnin'.

No, but I believe in
the old American saying

that a man is not a man

unless he works with his hands.

What's your line, Hartley?

I'm a, uh, psychologist.

Uh, God.

Well, Bob's one of the most
respected psychologists in Chicago.

I once cured a patient
in four sessions.

I just don't see paying money

to cry on somebody
else's shoulder.

Well, see, there are people

who need help
with their problems.

Problems? Oh, sh**t, Bob.

Whenever I have problems,

I just go on down
to the Oasis Bar

and have a few
laughs with the boys.

And there ain't no problems

that a few
boilermakers can't solve.

Well, Vern, see, some...

Ah, look, Bob,
I'm all talked out.

Emily, you little devil,

how would you
like to dance, huh?

Oh, sure, Vern.

Are you, uh,
enjoying the cruise?

Are you talking to me?

Yes. Uh,

I asked if you were
enjoying the cruise.

No.

But thank you for asking.

You, uh, you don't like boats?

You may not
believe this, but I...

I just cannot stand being
called the little woman.

Well, uh, why don't you tell him

it... it... it bothers you
when he calls you that?

Oh, I couldn't tell
Vern a thing like that.

I couldn't say that to Vern.

See, this is none
of my business,

but since... since
you brought it up,

I... I think you
ought to tell him

how you feel about it.

Well, if I were your
patient, Dr. Hartley,

is that what you'd
tell me to do?

More or less.

Boy howdy!

- Oh!
- That was terrific!

Emily, you are one
great little dancer.

Well, you're a very interesting
dancer yourself, Vern.

Ha ha ha ha!

Thanks for teaching me
the two-person bunny hop.

Well, darlin', you
done just fine.

I only wish the little woman
could dance half that good.

What did you say, Vern?

When they get older,

you have to say
everything twice.

Thank you very
much, Dr. Hartley.

How much do I owe you?

Bob, I won! I won!

Again? What event
did you win this time?

Badminton.

I didn't even know
you played badminton.

Neither did I.

But I didn't know
I could play...

table tennis, quoits,
horseshoes, shuffleboard,

darts, or charades.

But I can better than
anybody else on this tub.

Anybody else who's competing.

Oh, yeah?

You want to go one-on-one?

Name your bet.

No, thanks.

Bob, you're worried about
the Hacklers, aren't you?

I... I do feel responsible.

If I hadn't said that, Vern
wouldn't have wound up

with soup on his fly.

Look, Bob, I'd like to
help the Hacklers, too,

but sometimes you just
got to put yourself first.

Okay, okay.

All right, well, I'm going.

I'm in the middle
of a scavenger hunt.

Listen, when you're
hot, you're hot.

Want to come along?

No, I'm not in the
mood to scavenge.

It's just as well. Rest up.

You're my partner
tomorrow in leapfrog.

Uh, hi, Mrs. Hackler.
Where's Vern?

Oh, Dr. Hartley, I decided

to take your
advice. I've left him.

You can't leave him.
We're on board ship.

Well, you know, you told
me to tell him how I feel?

Well, I feel I just can't
stand him any longer.

See, Mrs. Hackler, I've, uh,

I've sort of made this
promise to myself that...

Oh! That... That must be Vern.

Ohh!

Hi. I'm on a scavenger
hunt. Do you have a red sock,

a peppermint stick, or a carrot?

No, I didn't have
any room in my trunk

to pack my carrot.

Oh. Thanks anyway.

Vern has red socks.

I kind of thought he would.

Oh...

you know, Dr. Hartley,
I'm sorry to bother you

because I know
you're on vacation,

but I just can't tolerate
Vern any longer.

He is rude, he's uncaring,
he's inconsiderate,

he's selfish...

Well, uh, how... how long
has this been going on?

28 years.

Why have you waited
so long to complain?

I thought he was
going through a phase.

Oh! Oh!

Hi. Scavenger hunt.

Do you have an
empty fountain pen,

a diamond necklace, or
a picture of Myrna Loy?

A diamond necklace
on a scavenger hunt?

I thought if I
said that real fast,

you'd fall for it.
Thanks anyway.

Vern has a picture of Myrna Loy

in that wallet he made.

Oh. I'll have him show it to me.

Well, you know, Dr. Hartley,

all our lives, Vern
has been working.

He's been making those wallets,

and I've been raising the kids.

And I thought if we had
more time to spend together,

things would improve.

But now we have all this
time to spend together,

and things just stink.

Oh! That is Vern! That is Vern.

You got a pink teddy
bear, an Italian flag,

a spear, or a catcher's mask?

No.

Are you sure?

I think I would have
remembered packing a spear.

Thanks anyway.

Dr. Hartley, please
save my marriage.

All right, if I do help you,

what do you want me to do?

I want you to talk to Vern.

- Okay, I'll talk to him.
- Oh, you can't talk to Vern.

He... I don't know
if you realize it,

but he just doesn't
like psychologists.

Who... Who does he talk to?

He talks to the
boys at the Oasis.

Don't... Don't worry
about it. I'll handle it.

Oh.

Uh, Dr. Hartley, you
know, down deep inside,

he is a kind, sensitive,
wonderful man.

Right.

W-Where is he now?

Who cares?

Well, here we are, Vern.

Yeah, Bob, I really appreciate

you asking me to
have a drink with you.

Uh, I know it isn't the Oasis.

Well, no, but then what is?

Well, what are you
going to have, Bob?

You, uh, you name it, Vern.

All right. Barkeep,
two boilermakers.

Boi, uh, boi-boi-boilermakers?

Why, sure. What else
does a man drink, huh?

Right. Right. What else?

You know, Bob, you'd
just love the Oasis.

It's got a juke box
and a pool table

and hot sandwiches

and a cot in the back room

in case you have
to sleep it off.

I figure a man could just stay

at the Oasis forever.

Sure sounds like
my kind of place.

Well! If this don't
steam the wrinkles

out of my britches,
nothing will.

Ahh.

Well? You gonna drink it,

or are you just gonna sit
there and admire it all night?

Sure. Sure, I'm
going to drink it.

You can't get
enough boilermakers.

Yeah, I... I know what you mean.

They just don't make
them as strong here

as they do back home.

I see why you
need that cot, Vern.

Bartender, two more.

Uh, Vern, you and, uh,

you an... you and
your wife... Huh?

You... You and the missus

are having a little...
Little set-to, aren't you?

Oh, Bob, you know how women are.

Yeah, yeah, I know
how women are.

Well, don't pay her no mind.

She's just having one
of her dang moods.

Yes. Sometimes Emily,
uh... My missus, you know...

She'll... she'll get real
ornery sometimes, Vern.

Well!

Boy, this is starting to
remind me of back home.

Yeah, me... me, too.

You know, Bob, sometimes...

Sometimes when I'm
a-settin' there in the Oasis

a-drinkin' boilermakers,

I just wish I could
die right there.

Something tells me
you're going to, Vern.

Now, Bob, old buddy,

I want you to tell me something.

What do you do when your
old woman starts acting up?

Do you give her a
whomp upside the head?

Not... Not anymore, Vern.

Uh... I've... I've found
something better.

Yeah? What's that?

Well, uh, last time
Emily was in a bad mood,

I... I got a gold
bracelet for her.

Well, that sounds like
a good trade to me.

Ha ha ha ha! You get it?

sh**t, that's a good one, Vern.

Hell, Bob, ain't this fun?

Yeah, we're... we're having
ourselves a time, Vern.

Come on, bartender!
Keep 'em coming in here.

Uh, bartender,
I don't care for...

What? What's that? What...

I said I don't care
what you're doing.

Keep... Keep
those drinks coming.

That's right.

Thank you.

Now, you know, Bob, uh, heh,

I got to admit I just
never seen the...

The little woman this upset.

She's real unhappy,
and I don't know why.

And it's, uh, it's
kind of scary.

Uh, Vern, I...

I... I don't think you
even know your wife.

What the hell you talking about?

I've been married to
that woman for 28 years.

Come on, bartender,
bring 'em on.

Bring it on.

Vern, see, people can...

Can live together
for a long time

and still be, uh,
perfect strangers.

Yeah.

Boy! They're making 'em weaker.

Well, they sure have their nerve

calling these boilermakers.

Vern...

I don't... I don't
have much time less.

So listen good.

I... I think you love your wife.

But I think if you
don't tell her that

real soon... that
you're going to lose her.

Do you think it's as
serious as that, Bob?

Darn right I do.

You know, I mean, you're
gonna have to get to know...

To know that woman
all... All over again.

Well, you know, Bob,
I've misjudged you.

I always thought you
were a dull little guy.

You know, a psychologist
and all such as that.

But hell, you'd fit right in...

at the Oasis,

and you make a lot
of sense when you talk.

And you know that...

And you know when
you've had enough.

Bartender.

Thank you for helping me, Emily.

Am I keeping you from anything?

No, no, there's no activities
scheduled for this afternoon

except poopdeck relay.

Mrs. Hartley,

Bob and me was a-settin'
down there in that bar,

and he, uh, well,
he just fell down.

When... When did we
hit the iceberg, Vern?

Come on, Bob.

Honey, are you okay?

Oh, I... I can't complain.

I can barely see.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Honey, I'm fine.

Who are you?

Oh, I'm only kidding, Emily.

Now, Mother, I... I'm sorry
you're not enjoying this trip.

I just wish there was
something I could do

to make you feel better.

Well, I'm sorry I
spilled the soup on you,

and I'm sorry I made you sleep

in that lifeboat last night.

But you deserved it.

Yeah, I've been acting
pretty pig-headed.

Why don't you just let
me have one right here?

Oh! I got it coming.

Oh, I don't want
to hit you, Vern.

Well, I do. But it
wouldn't be right.

That's all right.

Listen, uh, why don't
you use a pillow?

That's what Bob
tells his patients to do.

- Isn't that right, Bob?
- Who?

Oh! Do you... Oh,
do you think I...

Well... Well, it's worth a try.

Go on, get out
all your hostility.

Come on, Mother,
give me your best sh*t.

Oh!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Well? Did you let it all out?

Are you kidding?
That was just for 1949.

Well, we've got a
long way to go, Mother.

Clara.

Oh, yeah. Clara.

Oh, well, at least
we've got a start, Vern.

Let's go home, Clara.

Ohh!

Oh, goodbye, Emily.

Thank you, Dr. Hartley. Goodbye.

Who?

You see, Bob?
What did I tell you?

There ain't no problem

that six or seven
boilermakers can't solve.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh, Bob.

My sweet Bobby.

You just couldn't
resist, could you?

Emily, as they...

They say down at the Oasis...

a man has to do
what a man has to do.

I got to be me.

Hartley my name,
psychology my game.

♪ I did it my way ♪