06x17 - Emily Carlin, Emily Carlin

[bunniefuu]

Carol, let me do that for you.

Uhh!

There you go.

They put starch in
your shorts again, Jer?

Let's see, it's, uh, 11:45.

Time for my next
patient, Teddy Wilson.

When he shows up,
send him right into my...

waiting room.

Why the sudden
interest in pumping iron?

I decided I was
going a little soft.

You know, time to tone up.

Oh, come on, Jerry.

I've seen better-looking
muscles in a fish market.

You're just jealous
of my powerful body.

Okay, wanna arm wrestle?

Ha! With you? I'd probably
break your arm right off.

Put up or shut up.
Don't make me laugh.

Five bucks. I'll
laugh at the bank.

Carol, you don't have
to worry about a thing.

This will just be a
little demonstration

of what some conditioning
can do for the human body.

Ready? Mm-hmm.

Get set. Mm-hmm.

Go!

So sorry.

Oh, hi. Hi.

Emily, Carol b*at
me in arm wrestling.

Really? Who won
the three-legged race?

She's strong as a bull.

Here, try it yourself.

The only way you'll
know is if you arm wrestle.

Jerry, I'm not strong.

Jerry, I've never been strong.

The only way you'll find out.

Now take it easy on
Emily, she's a woman.

Get ready. Get set.

Go!

That's the trouble with women.

They're not feminine anymore.

Oh, Jerry's such
a gracious loser.

Are you ready for
lunch, Carol? Oh, yes.

Humiliating a man always
works up my appetite.

Okay, where's Hartley?

He's out of town
promoting his book.

Oh, yeah? Well, get him back.

Mr. Carlin, he's not due
back till the end of next week.

I'll wait.

Why don't you just
talk to one of the doctors

who agreed to cover for Bob?

Ah, they promised only to cover if
they didn't have to cover Mr. Carlin.

Yeah, they're out to get me
just because I'm a paranoid.

Is there something
I can do to help?

Yeah.

You can talk a little
walk while I talk to her.

Uh, you want to talk to me?

Yeah, I came here to talk
to a Hartley. You're a Hartley.

Yeah, but I don't know
anything about psychology.

That never stopped your husband.

Come on. Let's get started.

Not here.

Over there in Hartley's chair.

Oh.

If it makes you
comfortable, Mr. Carlin.

Okay?

Now, what's wrong?

Hartley, doesn't
say "What's wrong?"

He says, "What's the
problem?" What's the problem?

Well, my 20th
high school reunion

is coming up next
Saturday night.

So? You're not
supposed to say "So?"

You're supposed to say
"You want to go with that."

Ah.

Do you want to go with that?

Last year when I wrote
in to my alumni newsletter,

I told them I was married.

But you're not married.

You know, you're not
as dumb as you look.

Look, now, you asked
me to come in here.

Bob may have to put up with
your insults, Mr. Carlin, but I don't.

Okay, just relax...

Just tell me what's wrong?

Well, uh, you may
find this hard to believe,

but, uh, back in high
school, I was a real loser.

I, uh...

In my four years at Murdoch
High, I had exactly one date.

Oh, I hope it was a good one.

She was my cousin.

I had to pay her
75 cents an hour.

Mr. Carlin, I'm really
sorry you weren't popular.

Yeah, so when I
wrote to the newsletter,

I didn't want them to think I was
the same creep I used to be, so...

I told them I was married
and had three kids.

Three kids? Yeah.

Elliot, Jr., Elliot
III, and Elliot Bird.

Elliot Bird?

Yeah. She was born during
the Johnson administration.

Look, Mr. Carlin, I care
about your problem.

I mean, I really do care.

But I don't know what
I can do to help you.

Well, there's something you
can do that your husband can't.

What?

Pretend to be my wife
next Saturday night.

It'll be a lot of laughs.

Oh, no.

No, no, no. Absolutely not.

Uh-uh. Negative.

Ah, you want to think it over.

Oh, there's nothing
to think over.

The answer is no.

Look, I'll pay you
10 bucks an hour.

15 after midnight.

Ohh.

Cash!

Please, Mrs. Hartley, please.

Say you'll be my wife.

Well...

he certainly got his 50
bucks worth in that session.

Hi, Emily. Hi, Howard.

How do you like my new hat?

Oh, it's lovely.

It's even got an H
on it for "Howard."

The H is for "hat."

Uh, can I borrow a
half a cup of milk?

Oh, sure.

Howard, are you sure you
wanna go through with this?

I mean, cooking
dinner for me tonight?

Oh, of course I'm sure.
Cooking is my new hobby.

Yeah, I was collecting old
books, but I had to give it up.

Why?

Those library fines
were k*lling me.

Here's your milk. Thank you.

Ah. Boy, that hit the spot.

Back to the kitchen.

You know what that is?

A doughnut? No.

You should have the hole filled.

Borden, this is the last
thing I'm ever going to eat.

You should have bought a dozen.

Mr. Carlin, what
are you doing here?

I'm going on a hunger
strike, right after I finish this.

Unless you agree to be
my wife next Saturday night,

this is the last
thing I'll ever eat.

Mr. Carlin, I spoke
to Bob on the phone,

and he said that I am not
responsible for your mistakes.

What does he know?

If he was a good
psychologist, I wouldn't be a liar.

I'm afraid you're just gonna
have to go to that reunion alone.

You can just tell
them that, uh...

that your wife is out of town.

They'll see right
through my story.

I'll feel like the biggest
idiot in the world.

It's me again.

Second biggest.

How many teaspoons
to a tablespoon?

I know this is a lot
to ask, Mrs. Hartley,

but this is really
important to me.

I have to look good for...

Peggy Ann Marble.

Who, uh... who is
Peggy Ann Marble?

She was the most
beautiful teenager

to ever walked the planet.

I used to kiss her locker.

Did you two ever
go out together?

No, it was bolted to the wall.

Oh, you mean Peggy Ann?

Oh, no.

It took me four years
to get up the courage

to ask her to go to a
movie with me and...

and she laughed in my face.

Oh, that's terrible.

Yeah, it was then I
realized she was cruel

insensitive and vicious.

The girl of my dreams.

That's why I gotta look
good Saturday night.

To make her see
what she passed up.

How many pints to a quart?

Two.

Come on, Mrs. Hartley.

I'll never ask you
for another favor.

Oh, Mr. Carlin, why me?

I mean, there must be
dozens of other women

who'd be willing to
help you with this.

You're the only one
that can help me.

This is my alumni newsletter.

Take a look at this.

"The Way We Was?"

Yeah, the editor flunked
English four years in a row.

Anyway, look at the picture.

It's a picture of you and
me at our Christmas party.

Yeah, read the caption.

"The deliriously happy
and very wealthy...

"Mr. and Mrs. Elliot Carlin

at their palatial summer
home overlooking the Aegean."

Mr. Carlin!

You are crazy!

I never thought I'd hear that
from the mother of my children.

Look, Mr. Carlin, I'm
sorry about your problem,

but you brought it on yourself,

and I want
absolutely no part of it.

I warn you, Mrs. Hartley.

This is very important to me.

If you don't help me with this,

I may do something drastic.

Like tell the truth?

Well, not that drastic.

Turkey's ready.

What happened?

I don't know. They said to cook
it a half hour for every pound.

I weigh 180.

Man on TV: It's not mine?

Woman: No, I'm afraid it's not.

Man: Then whose is it, Dorothy?

Dorothy: Look at it.

Man: Why, it looks like...

Woman: That's right.

Rats!

What?

Oh, uh, hi, Emily.

Could... could you hold
on for just a second?

Woman: Yes, it's Philip.

Who's Philip?

Emily, I'm sorry. I just...

I was making some notes
for tomorrow's lecture.

What's that?

Mr. Carlin has locked
himself in my office?

He still wants you
to go to the reunion?

Emily, it sounds more serious

than I thought it was.

I don't want Mr. Carlin
going through a trauma

when I'm not there.

I... I know it's a lot to ask,

but I... I think you
better go with him.

I... I really appreciate it.

Good. Good. Thanks, Emily.

Well, uh... Well, back to work.

I love you, too. Bye.

Dorothy: Okay,
it's not Philip's.

Man: It's not, Dorothy?

Dorothy: No, it's Doug's.

Who's Doug?

Oh. Is he still in there? Yes.

Hour and a half ago, he
walked off the elevator,

said, "This is where
I make my stand."

He marched into Bob's office.

He said if he didn't
make it out alive,

he wanted to be frozen
and be brought back

for the next real estate boom.

All right, Mr. Carlin

You win. I will go to
the reunion with you.

Mr. Carlin: Ha! It's a trick.

I'm serious.

It's not a trick,
Mr. Carlin. She is serious.

I am serious. I spoke to
Bob. He wants me to do it.

Then you're not kidding?

I kid funnier than that.

You'll do it?

Yes, Mr. Carlin.

You cross your
heart? I cross my heart.

She crossed it.

Now will you please
come out of Bob's office

and stop starving yourself?

I'll see you at 8.

And, uh...

try to do something
with your hair, will you?

These are for you.

Hello, Mr. Carlin.

Hello. Thank you.

Well, what do you
think of my tux?

It's charming.

It's the same one I wore
the night of my senior prom.

I only wish I had gone.

Why didn't you?

At the last minute, I
couldn't rent a date.

Where's my boutonnière?

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Carlin. I
didn't think to buy you one.

Oh, it's all right. I'd
knew you'd blow it.

I have to think of
everything myself.

Did you, uh, cut
yourself shaving?

No, it's an old
family tradition,

wearing toilet
paper with a tuxedo.

Well, let's get this over with.

Wait a minute.

Before we go, we gotta
get the story straight.

What story?

About how we met.

Look, we met at a party.

I caught your eye.

Like a magnet, you
were drawn to my side.

We left the party
early at your insistence.

We went to my house where you

threw yourself at
me shamelessly.

You are out of your mind.

Why do you think I
go to your husband?

Hi, g*ng.

Doesn't Bozo ever knock?

Oh, Howard!

Is that the cake you
were telling me about?

Yeah, I baked it from scratch.

How does it look? Oh,
Howard, it's beautiful.

What kind of cake
is under the frosting?

There isn't any.

Cake is fattening.

You mean that's all frosting?

Ah, don't be silly.

It has a fudge center.

I'll put this in the
kitchen for you, okay?

Hey, we got a lot of
things to talk about here.

Can't you tell the Pillsbury
Dough Head to get lost?

Mr. Carlin, Howard is
always welcome in this house,

unlike some people I know.

Well, what do you
want me to make now?

Why don't you make
yourself scarce?

Uh, why don't I make
my Eggs Howard?

What's that?

Well, I take some eggs, see,

and I put them in a frying pan

and I put a little
butter in there and milk,

and I kinda swish 'em
around and I cook 'em.

Uh, Howard?

That sounds like
you're scrambling them.

No, if I pay attention,

I can tell which one is which.

You know, that man could
lose a debate with a fern.

All right, let get this
farce on the road.

Okay, now just remember...

Don't tell anybody
I wear a toupee,

elevator shoes, or
a tummy tightener.

How do I look?

Very natural.

I can't wait to see the look on
Peggy Ann's face when she sees me.

This really means a
lot to you, doesn't it?

Yeah, it means a lot to me.

All right.

And I promised I'd
help you, and I will.

I mean, I won't
contradict any of your lies,

but don't expect
me to tell any myself.

Don't worry, I can lie for two.

Now is there anything
else I should know?

Yeah, if anybody calls
you the Duchess of Carlin,

just curtsey.

Well, here we are.

There are all my old classmates.

Well, they look like
very nice people.

Oh, yeah? Well, so do I.

You got a good point there.

Hey!

Uh-oh. The first guy to talk
to me has to be this turkey.

For once in your life,
will you try and be nice?

Okay.

Elliot Carlin! It's
me! Jack Evans!

Oh, hiya, Jack.

I see your face cleared up.

You just can't be
nice to some people.

You can't be nice to any people.

Let's get our nametags.

Oh, get me through the
night and I owe You one.

Carlin, Elliot.

Real estate magnet.

300 grand a year after taxes.

Elliot.

Why, the last time I saw you,

you were a skinny little runt.

At least I've changed.

What I mean to say is, uh,

you look as good
now as you ever did.

And this must be, um...

The deliriously
happy Mrs. Carlin.

How do you do?

Great, until tonight.

How are the children?

Way above average, thank you.

I read all about them
in "The Way We Was."

Emily, how does it
feel to be the mother

of a 12-year-old
Harvard professor?

Uh... uh... well, uh...

Easy to say where the
kid got the brains, huh?

Look, here are your nametags.

Have a nice evening.

Thank you very
much, uh... Bonnie.

Come on, Mr. Carlin.

Uh, you call your
husband "Mr. Carlin?"

Uh, it's a sign of respect.

Let's get some punch.

Hey! Zero!

Oh. Hi, Burt.

Ha ha! I like your toup.

Hey, this is my own hair.

Come off it. You were
bald in high school.

Ha ha ha. Yeah.

Ah, those were the
days, huh, Zero?

Remember the time I
put glue in your shorts?

Yeah. That was
a lot of fun, Burt.

Hey, and how about the time
I held your head underwater

in the swimming pool
until you turned blue, huh?

Yeah, that was a
million laughs, Burt.

Emily, I'd like you to
meet Burt Harrison.

My best friend.

I don't believe it. You
married "The Zero?"

Well, I'm here
with him, aren't I?

Just a second.

I remember reading
about you in the newsletter.

Oh, really, Burt?
What did you read?

All about you.
Your kids, your job,

your "Playboy" centerfold.

Well, that's it for me.

Wait a minute, Emily.
Nice talking to you, Burt.

Sure thing. And tell your
wife I'd like to see more of her.

Emily, don't walk out
on me now, please!

Watch! Wait a minute.

Just stay here till
Peggy Ann sees me.

Oh, Mr. Carlin!

Emily, she laughed in my face.

I've been living with
that for 20 years.

Oh, okay.

Oh, good.

But did you have to make
me a "Playboy" centerfold?

Well, at least I didn't make
you Playmate of The Year.

Why not?

Emily, there she is.

Peggy Ann Marble.

Girl guts.

Well. She is pretty.

Hiya, Peggy Ann.

Oh, hello, uh, Elliot.

Were you in our class?

Uh, don't you
remember I used to play

fourth clarinet in the band?

I was the guy that used to
raise the flag every morning.

It doesn't ring a bell.

Oh, come on, Peggy
Ann, I was the guy

you used to call by that cute
little nickname: "The Zero."

You're the guy that was always
hanging around my locker.

You asked me out
once, didn't you?

And you were serious.

Boy, Zero, your name sure fits.

Listen, I've got some important
people I want to talk to...

Yeah, okay. I'll see
you, Peggy Ann.

See ya, Zero. Uh, Peggy Ann.

Before you go...
Sure. I'm Emily.

How do you do?

Emily and I are, uh... married.

You're married?

Yes.

My marriage has given me
the happiest years of my life.

Really?

Yes.

You see, my husband
is a terrific guy.

He may not seem it at first
because he's hard to know,

but deep down, he's a
sensitive man, you know.

Tender. Loving. Generous.

I'm just lucky none of you
girls got him before I did,

because I can honestly say

my marriage is the
happiest in the world.

Gee, that's terrific, Emily.

It really is. I envy you.

You do?

I had two really
miserable marriages.

I'd give anything for a
little of the love and security

that you've found with...

with your husband.

Well, Elliot, I guess I shouldn't have
laughed at you when you asked me out.

Oh, yeah? What are you
doing next Saturday night?

Oh, hello, Howard.

Where've you been
all these hours?

I'm so nervous, I've
done nothing but eat.

Oh, Howard, it's only 10:00.

Well, actually, you
could have called.

Oh, I will next time, Daddy.

So, how was the reunion?

Great. This was the most
wonderful night of my life.

Ah, this calls
for a celebration.

I've got just the
thing. I'll be right back.

It's not that
frosting cake, is it?

No, I ate that.

I tell you, that reunion
was a dream come true.

I'm glad it was for one of us.

Yeah, it's the biggest
night of my life.

I think I finally got
over Peggy Ann.

Aw, well, good for you.

Yeah. You know, when
you were in the ladies' room,

she said she'd go out with me.

Why, that sleazy
little home wrecker.

Aw, just relax.

I laughed in her face.

You know, revenge
is sweet, Emily.

I owe it all to you.

Well... I'm not very
proud of what I did.

I said those things
because I didn't like

the way Peggy Ann was acting.

Yeah. You know,
she's really a phony.

Did you know she dyes her hair?

You wear a toupee, Mr. Carlin.

Yeah, but it's been the same
color since the day I bought it.

Well, I'm just glad it's over.

Yeah, there's just one
question left unanswered.

How do we break it to Bob?

What?

Well, you couldn't have
done all these things tonight

if you didn't feel
something for me.

Or maybe you could.

Oh, gee whiz. Look, Emily,

I've never said this word
to another human being,

but here it goes.

Thanks.

Well... you're
welcome, I suppose.

You know, Hartley's a lucky guy.

He's got you for a wife.

And me for a patient.

The homemade wine's ready!