06x20 - Carol Ankles for Indie-Prod

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Bob Newhart Show". Aired: September 16, 1972 –; April 1, 1978.*
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Comedian Bob Newhart portrays a psychologist whose interactions with his wife, friends, patients, and colleagues lead to humorous situations and dialogue.
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06x20 - Carol Ankles for Indie-Prod

Post by bunniefuu »

Emily, I've been studying
this handbook all day.

It's too complicated!

I don't think I'll ever
pass my driver's test!

Oh, howard, it's
really not that hard.

Here, let me ask
you a few questions.

- We'll see how you do, okay?
- Okay.

All right. Ah!

You are approaching
a railroad crossing.

The red lights are flashing.
What are you supposed to do?

Am I driving the
car or the train?

Driving the car, of course.

Well, who's driving the train?

Howard, it doesn't matter
who's driving the train.

Well, it matters to me!
There are good train drivers

And bad train drivers.

Jim is driving the train.

How long has jim been driving?

Oh, howard!

When you get to a
railroad crossing,

And the red light is flashing,

You're supposed to stop, okay?

- Let's try another one.
- Okay.

All right.

What are you supposed to do

When you're going
through a hospital zone?

Speed up so you
won't catch anything.

Howard, if you pass this test,
I'm staying off the streets.

Hi, honey. Hi, howard.

- Hi, sweetheart.
- Hi, bob. Make yourself at home.

Thanks. Thanks, howard.

Listen, it's something

Really exciting
in today's paper.

Look... Look at this and...
And see if you get any ideas.

"Man marries pet chicken
in formal ceremony."

Any pictures?

Well, there's a nice
group sh*t of the in-laws.

No.

I was talking
about this article.

"'Secretary of the
year' honors to be given

By sun times."

What do you think?

I'd to hear more
about the chicken.

Howard, why don't
you go downstairs

And practice parking your car?

Oh, yeah. Good idea.

Oh, I just thought... My
car is already parked.

Well, that ought
to make it real easy.

I don't know. It's a
pretty small space.

I think howard has hit
one too many air pockets.

Yeah.

Well, what do you think
about nominating carol?

Oh, if anybody deserves to be
secretary of the year, it'd be carol.

I'd be happy to nominate her.

Oh, honey, that's fantastic!

Now, all you do is

You write a short
statement to the newspaper,

Telling why you think
carol should win.

Yeah, I don't know. I'm...
You know, I'm not too good

At putting my feelings
down on paper.

Come on, bob.

Do you remember
those beautiful letters

You wrote me before
we were married?

Oh, you know, I just... I
got a little carried away.

Yeah.

You were pretty mushy.

But I really knew you
were serious about me

When you stopped signing
them "sincerely, robert hartley,"

And you changed to
"sincerely, bob hartley."

- Love makes my blood boil.
- Mmm.

Quick, can i... Can I
borrow a coat hanger?

Sure, howard. What
do you need it for?

Well, I locked
my keys in the car.

Yeah, I'll get you one, howard.

Be careful. Don't
break any windows.

Uh, don't worry.
They're all rolled down.

Mr. Stevens, you shouldn't
take life so seriously.

But dr. Hartley, I
feel so insignificant.

People are always
laughing at me.

Well, you... You are a clown.

And-and your profession
is a very dignified one.

I mean, your wig is
an important as a...

As a doctor's stethoscope.

Your, uh...

Your seltzer bottle
is a judge's gavel.

Your funny ears are...

These are my real ears.

I'm sorry.

But I mean, you have nothing

To be ashamed of.

Well, maybe you're right.

What I do, isn't
so silly, is it?

No... I wouldn't call it, uh...

I wouldn't call it silly.

By god, dr. Hartley,
you're right!

I am an important
part of society.

My job does have dignity.

I'm glad that you've come

To that realization,
mr. Stevens.

Uh, I'm afraid, uh...

- I'm afraid our time is up.
- Oh, yeah, well,

I better get back
to work anyway.

The next show
starts in 15 minutes.

Thanks... For
everything you said.

Oh. See you next week.

So long, doc.

- Who's that guy?
- That's my new patient.

What's his problem?

He's tired of people
laughing at him.

Did you suggest a new wardrobe?

Get a load of those ears!

Jerry, what are you doing here?

Uh, carol said you
wanted to see me.

Oh, yeah! You wanna
close the... Yeah.

I don't want carol to hear.

Oh, right! I get it, bob.

I love when you tell me
these "for men only" stories.

Jerry, the sun times
is running a contest

On the secretary of the year.

Yeah. Yeah. Ah!

I like it already, bob.

This is gonna be better
than the one about

The two sailors and the camel.

Jerry, this isn't a joke. I think
we should nominate carol

For secretary of the year.

That sounds like a joke to me.

Well, jerry, she's an
obviously good secretary.

I mean, she's... She's...

Uh, now, the thing to
remember about these...

These ballpoint pens...
You want to write...

And you have an urge
at all... You just pick...

- Oh, hi! Hi, carol.
- Uh! Carol! Hi.

Hi, bob. Hi, jer.

On this letter I'm
typing to dr. Walburn,

Do you want three
or four copies?

- Uh, three will be fine.
- Gotcha.

Now, we have to write
a short statement

And send it to the paper

On why carol is the best
secretary of the year.

Okay, uh... What should we say?

Well, let's just tell the truth.

Okay. Um...

"Carol is not always
disrespectful.

"In certain cases, she
actually is too busy working

To insult a person."

Let's not lay it on
too thick, jerry.

Oh, what I meant was, that...

Yeah. Yeah. Pay
attention to this.

You press the clicker here.

And the point comes
out the other end.

Holy cow! Gee whiz, bob!
Can I take a look at that?

- Sure.
- Uh... Excuse me, doctors?

But there's a lady
here collecting from

A "save the whales" society.

Oh, well...

- We'll donate.
- Yeah, I just happen
to have

Some shrimp right
here in my pocket.

- There you go.
- I thank you.

She thanks you. Her
whales thank you.

Oh... You gentlemen continue
your high level discussion.

I take it back, bob. She
is always disrespectful.

Jerry, the deadline is tonight.

Put down whatever
you want, bob. I'll sign it.

Well, I thought I'd say, um...

"Carol bondurant is the
secretary's secretary."

Oh, I get it! Now,
when you're finished

With your writing,

All you do is you
click the, uh... Clicker?

That's right. And the point
goes back up, inside the pen.

Look at that.
I'll tell you, bob,

This has been some
morning for me.

My, my, my, you professional men

Have fascinating conversations.

Oh, you startled me, carol. I
didn't see you standing there.

Bob, mr. Carlin's
here for his session.

Oh, uh, have him wait a minute.
I'm not finished with jerry yet.

I'm not paying you
50 bucks an hour

To sit in a waiting room,
listen to some woman

Blubber about whales!

If only his species
were endangered.

All right, jerry, I'll, uh...

- I'll talk to you later
about this.
- Sure, bob, but I tell you,

There's a lot of good
secretaries in this town.

I ought to know.
I've been sh*t down

By a whole battalion of them.

What was that all about?

Oh, just office business.

Oh, sure, don't tell me.
I'm left out of everything.

All right. It was about carol.

What do I care about carol?

Well, she doesn't know it,
but jerry and I are gonna

Nominate her for
"secretary of the year."

She's a great secretary.

There's no such thing.
Every time I hire one,

She turns out to be rotten.

You know, there's an
old story, mr. Carlin,

About the man who'd been
married and divorced 15 times.

And when they
asked him, he said,

Each one of his wives had
been impossible to live with.

Do you get my point?

Uh, having trouble with
your old lady, huh, hartley?

I knew it. She's
had her eye on me

For a long time.

We all have, mr. Carlin.

Oh, bob, I'm so glad
you're finally home!

Well, it's easy once
you learn the way.

Uh! Bob, it's so exciting.

Carol won "secretary
of the year!"

- That's wonderful!
- Yeah!

- Uh, does she know yet?
- No. I thought it would be nice

If you told her the news.

- I'll call her right now.
- No, you don't have to, honey.

I called her and told her
to rush right over here...

That we had a small emergency.

What'd you tell her?
The building was on fire?

Don't be silly.

I told her you had
30 minutes to live.

Emily, don't you think
that's a little far-fetched?

Well, we'll see in 30 minutes.

Bob, emily, I passed
my driver's test!

- Oh!
- Congratulations, howard!

Oh, champagne!

Uh, it's for a little
surprise party.

Oh, you didn't have to do that.

It was just a silly
old driver's test.

No. You see, the surprise
party is for carol.

Oh, when did she take her test?

She didn't.

Is she driving
without a license?

Emily, you're not
gonna win this one.

Watch.

See, it's very simple.

It's not that simple. I
missed four questions.

Told you.

No, you see, howard,

Carol won "secretary
of the year,"

And we're going to surprise her

With some champagne.

You mean that she's never
seen champagne before?

You'd think after eight
years I'd know better.

I'm gonna get the glasses.

Wait. I'll go downstairs and
change out of my lucky suit.

Howard, congratulations.

We're really very proud of you.

Well, i, uh... Gotta
confess, i, uh...

I cheated on the eye test.

How can you cheat
on an eye test?

I memorized the chart.

Wanna hear it?

"Egleneakynockoalacabox.

Elidoaleckwat."

They've changed it.

Oh, bob.

Do you suppose darwin
could have been wrong?

Ooh, carol!

Oh, bob, I got here
as soon as I could.

Are you okay?

Never felt better.

Carol, I have to
tell you the truth.

Bob has more than
30 minutes to live.

Well, I hope it's not much more.

I'm parked in an hour zone.

Carol, why don't you sit down?

Bob has some news for you.

Oh! Well, what a coincidence!

I've got some news for bob too.

- Uh...
- Oh, yeah? What?

Oh, mine can wait.

No, you do yours first,

'Cause mine is
really interesting.

Um, his is terrific!

Ah!

Uh, bob?

I'm quitting and going
to work for mr. Carlin.

What was your exciting news?

Oh, it was just
about this, um...

Man that married
his pet chicken.

Bob, look! My very
first desk calendar.

Oh, wow, does that
bring back memories!

Do you not remember my
very first day of work here?

You were really very nervous.

I know. And then, you came in

With that silly
joke to cheer me up.

Do the joke, bob.

Um...
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?

Sam and janet.

Sam and janet, who?

♪ Sam and janet evening ♪

You know, I've always
loved that about you, carol.

No matter how bad my jokes were,

You always laughed.

It hasn't been easy.

Oh.

Bob, I'm really
gonna miss this place.

Well, we're gonna miss you too.

I must confess, I
was a little upset

When you broke the news to me.

I know. It isn't easy
for me to leave,

But I've been doing the
same thing for six years.

You know, it's... I'm
too comfortable here.

Yeah, I guess I understand.

I mean, of course, I understand.

You'd have to be an insensitive
jerk not to understand.

So, the big sh*t's
checkin' out, huh?

Jerry isn't making
this any easier.

Well, excuse me, your highness.

Don't worry. He'll come around.

He's still mad at mickey
mantle for retiring.

Oh, well...

I hope he gets
over it, you know.

I've gone as far as I can as a
secretary and receptionist.

There's a big world
out there, you know.

Mountains to
climb, places to go,

People to see.

I want it all!

I want to bite it
off and spit it out!

I want to live!

Carol, if you start singing
the impossible dream,

I'm leaving.

You know, this place isn't big
enough for the prima donna.

Excuse us for living!

I told you he'd come around.

Oh.

I hope this new
job works out, bob.

- You wish me luck,
don't you?
- Of course, I do.

I know it's not
going to be easy,

Working for mr. Carlin,

But he promised me
he'd teach me everything

About real estate.

Contessa still
talking to you, bob?

Count your blessings.

Jerry...

Talking to me, miss
high and mighty?

Jerry, cut it out.

I'm not the one
who's walking out.

I am not leaving you,

After all we've been
through together.

Jerry, I told you this
is something I had to do!

I mean, I want something
finer, something nicer in life.

Now, a woman's gotta do
what a woman's gotta do!

We nominated you
"secretary of the year."

I mean, doesn't that
mean anything to you?

Whose idea do
you think that was?

I mean, who do you think wrote
all those nice things about you?

- You did that, jerry?
- No, but I signed
the stupid thing!

Carol, what jerry
is trying to say...

He's gonna miss you too.

Oh. The three of us had

Some great times
together, didn't we?

- Yeah.
- Terrific.

Oh, hi, I'm jerry
johnson, sun times.

Uh, are you carol bondurant?

- Yes. Yes, I am.
- Oh, congratulations!

- Thank you.
- We'd like a picture
of the "secretary of the year."

Are these your bosses?

Uh... They're the guys
who nominated me.

Oh, great!

Hey, you guys are really lucky,
having a secretary like her.

She's the best.

Why don't you all gather
around, by the desk?

Okay. Now, give me a big smile!

No, no, no, no, no.
Big, big smile, huh?

Remember all the laughs,

All the happy times you've had.

Think about all the
wonderful years

You've had together.

And all the years still to come.

Well, so far it's been
pretty routine, emily.

I mean, mr. Carlin hasn't
taught me anything yet,

But he says that I'll have
a lot more responsibility

Very soon.

Yeah. Okay, honey. I'll
talk to you later. Bye.

Bondurant, I'm appointing you

President of carlin enterprises.

How sooner than I thought.

I think you're ready for it.

You've come a long way
in the last three days.

If anybody's looking for me,

Tell them I'm out
of the country.

- There he is.
- We want to talk to you,
carlin.

No hablo ingles.
Esta el presidente.

You habla ingles
when you sold us homes

In your new housing
tract, carlin-side heights.

- How do you like
luxury living?
- We want our money back now!

The entire tract
is slipping, carlin!

Settling! Settling!

There's bound to be a
little settling in new homes.

Well, our new homes have settled

In a new neighborhood.

How lucky for you. Mobile homes.

We won't stand for this,
carlin. You're a crook.

What are you talking about? I finally
put in your swimming pools, didn't i?

Yeah, but they stayed back
in the old neighborhood.

Well, what are you gonna
do about this, mrs. President?

Oh, my... I cannot tell you how
sorry we are that this is happening.

And if what you say is
true, I'm sure we'll be able

To refund your money...

Oh, the acoustics
are very bad in here.

I didn't hear what
she was saying,

But I think what she
was trying to say

Is that you should all
go back to your homes.

That is, if you can find them.

And, uh, we'll be out
there this afternoon

To personally inspect the area.

Okay? I'm sure that
everything will be worked out

To your complete satisfaction.

By three o'clock,
we should be in iowa.

You'd better make
us happy, carlin.

Right. Right. We'll
make you happy.

Very, very happy.
You'll be happy.

There are two words
that never go together

In the real estate business.

Refund and money.

What about those people?

Never mind about those people.

They'll be so busy
looking for their homes,

They'll forget about us.

Besides, once they
sign on the dotted line,

We're off the hook.

I don't believe you.

Thank you.

By the way, uh...
I'm president again.

Aw, well, it was
nice while it lasted.

What's next on the agenda?

I was going to have
lunch with bob and jerry.

Lunch? Well, make it quick.

- I'll have a minute-steak.
- Okay, good.

Oh, by the way,
there's one more thing.

I have this list here.
It's my grocery list.

I want you to get these
items on your way home,

Put them in my apartment,
have my car filled with gas,

Rotate the tires... You'll
find the jack in the trunk.

Oh, and, uh, I need you to
take my spare toupee over

To mr. Duke's.

Who?

Mr. Duke. He's my stylist.

Have him do the
usual fluff and dry.

And this time,
easy on the starch.

Mr. Carlin, I took this job

So I can learn about
the real estate business.

All right. I'll tell you what.

Next sucker that walks
through that door is all yours.

Now, this will be easy pickin's.

Hi, guys.

- Hi, carol.
- Pardon us for not bowing,
your grace.

That's all right, robinson.

Are we interrupting anything?

No, we always have
time for friends.

Say, robinson,
how'd you like to buy

A nice, new home in
carlin-side heights?

- I don't know.
- Better hurry. They're moving fast.

Elliot carlin real estate.

Oh, one moment, please.

It's for you, mr. Carlin.
It's your mother.

Yes, mom.

I'd better take this
in my private office.

- Is anything wrong?
- Oh, no. Mama just wants
to go over the books with me.

Boy, you think I'm rough.

How's everything going, carol?

- Couldn't be better, bob.
- "Couldn't be better, bob."

I had no idea how
fascinating real estate was.

And do you know, it's not been
hard working with mr. Carlin.

As a matter of fact, I think of
myself as working with him, not for him.

He treats me as an equal.

I need these typed fast!

You type mornings and
he types afternoons?

Bob, the man is under pressure.

I mean, he's taught me
a lot about real estate.

"Taught me a lot
about real estate."

Jer, come on, cut it
out. Will you stop?

I'm sorry if I made you
mad. I'm sorry if I hurt you,

But I've got a
life to live here.

I can't help it, carol! I just
don't like going into the office.

It's no fun there anymore!

I haven't had a good
insult since you left.

All right. Keep in
mind, I'm a little rusty,

But here goes.

You, jerry, are a
loud-mouthed jerk!

When they were
handing out brains,

You were somewhere
being obnoxious.

You've struck out
more than the 1962 mets!

I wouldn't have you
straighten the teeth on my comb!

God, how I miss her!

Thank you, dr. Hartley.

Ms. Pringle, it's five
minutes to closing time.

Why don't you, uh...

Why don't you take
the rest of the day off?

That only gives me five minutes.

I'd hardly call that
the rest of the day.

Good... Good point.

Knock, knock.

I beg your pardon?

No, it's a joke. I
said, "knock, knock."

- I don't get it.
- Yeah, no. You're supposed to say,

"Who's there?"

Who's where?

No. See, I say, "knock, knock."

And you say, "who's there?"

Oh, but I know
who's there. It's you.

Say it!

- Who's there?
- Sam and janet.

- Ah, that is amusing!
- No, it isn't!

- Of course, it isn't.
- There's more.

- Do you want me
to say something else?
- Sam and janet evening!

Now, it's closing time!

Will you be leaving
now too, dr. Hartley?

No. No, I'm meeting my
wife. We're going to dinner.

Oh, how nice.

Yes, we've had five
wonderful years of marriage.

Five out of ten
isn't a bad average.

So sorry to hear
that, dr. Hartley.

Oh, hi!

I'm sorry about your marriage.

What was that all about?

That's a little
inside joke. She, uh...

She's a barrel of laughs.

Honey, you ready for dinner?

Yeah, I just want to lock up.

Hi, bob. Hi, emily.

- Oh, hi, carol.
- Hi.

So, what's goin' on?

Oh, I was just locking up.

Hmm... Oh, where's
the new receptionist?

- Didn't she work out?
- No, she's working out fine.

Oh, good. Great.

As a matter of
fact, I stopped by

To see if I could give
her some pointers.

I'm lying.

I came here because I
quit my job with carlin,

And I wanted to
talk to you about it.

Oh, carol, what happened?
What did mr. Carlin do?

Oh, nothing out of
the ordinary for carlin.

Bob, did you know
that guy's crazy?

That's the word I
was looking for.

I am so glad you quit that job.

Yeah, carol, I am too.

I mean, you
weren't right for it.

No, I wasn't.

Uh, did I ask how
the new receptionist

Was working out?

Just before you said hello.

Ah!

Oh, bob, who am I kidding?

I came by here today
because I want my job back.

Oh, I am so glad.

You know, bob comes home cranky
every night 'cause he misses you.

- I'm so happy
you're coming back.
- Oh!

I love everything
about this place!

My old desk, the copy machine.

Oh, and this fine dispenser.

Well, when can you start?

Now!

Take a letter?

You can't come back, carol.

But you said I was
right to quit carlin.

You were right to quit carlin,

But I mean, all the
things you told me

When you left here...
They're still true.

I mean, you won't
be happy until you...

You try something new.

- Bob...
- No, he's right.

I hate to admit it,
but, uh, he's right.

I've got to get a new job.

That's not going to be easy,

But I guess it's why
it's important, huh, bob?

Thanks for f*ring me.

Any time.

Well, uh, why don't
we have dinner?

- I'll buy.
- Oh, I know just the place.

You two go ahead, I'll catch up.

- Okay.
- Well, we'll wait for you
downstairs.

Okay.
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