06x22 - Happy Trails to You

[bunniefuu]

Finally!

Not a minute too soon,
Bob, if you ask me.

I'm glad I asked you, Jerry.

Oh, you've come to
the right decision, Bob.

You're like an athlete
who's trying to hang on.

The legs are starting to go.

You know, Jerry, I'm really
glad you're a friend of mine,

'cause it makes me appreciate
my other friends that much more.

I, for one, think you're
doing the right thing, Bob.

I quit my job when I thought it
was time, and look where it got me.

Unemployed.

I'm behind you 100%, Bob.

Have you told your patients
yet that you're hanging it up?

No, I thought I'd tell them
when they come in today.

How do you think
they'll take it?

They'll be fine. Oh,
I'm sure they will, Bob.

You know, when those people first
came to you they were hopeless neurotics.

A-ha! But now they are hopeless
neurotics with a place to go.

Come on, Jer, let's go to lunch.

Uh, who's buying?
Why don't we go Dutch?

Me at one table
and you in Holland.

Excuse us, Dr. Hartley,
we're here for our session.

Come... come right in.

Hi there. Good to see you.

You're all looking very well.

I'll see you later, Bob.

Robinson there is a real
class act, isn't he, Hartley?

Well, how have you all been?

Oh, I'm doing
great, Dr. Hartley.

Things are finally
going very well at home.

My wife Doris left town.

I thought Chicago felt lighter.

How nice. Visiting relatives?

Oh, no. She's joined
the pro wrestling circuit.

She's known professionally as
"The Masked Avenger of Death."

Oh, that explains that signature

on your Christmas
card this year.

Dr. Harley? Yes, Mrs. Bakerman?

I have come to a very
important decision.

I have some vacation time
coming next summer, and...

and I think I'll go to Denmark
and have a sex-change operation.

I just wanted to see
if you were listening.

We... we are now.

Actually, Dr, Hartley,
everything is fine.

Mr. Carlin?

I'm as good as I get, Hartley.

What are you
doing, taking a poll?

Not exactly.

Um, I really am gratified

to hear that you're
all doing so well.

Um, I have some very
important news for you,

uh, concerning me.

You're having a
sex-change operation.

No, it's not that extreme.

Uh, I've decided to take a
new direction in my career,

and I've accepted a post
at a small college in Oregon.

The only thing I
regret is that I'm, uh...

I'm going to have to
give up my practice.

Dr. Hartley! You can't!

Dr. Hartley! What about us?

You'll... you'll be fine.

My mother told me
never to trust a man.

Mine did, too.

Oh, boo hoo, boo hoo!

Will you two turn
off the faucets!

Mr. Carlin, Dr. Hartley
is leaving us!

I don't need an
interpreter, Bakerman.

But I am glad he told us,

otherwise I never would
have noticed he was gone.

Mr. Carlin, aren't you
the least bit upset?

We're not gonna have any more
sessions with Dr. Hartley, ever.

Who needs him? I only come
here for the laughs anyhow.

I can't wait to get home
from these sessions

and tell my friends about the
funny stuff you weirdoes say.

Mr. Carlin, you've always told
us you don't have any friends.

And you bought it.

That's really a laugh.

I've lost more friends than
the 3 of you will ever have.

I don't doubt that for a minute.

I'm really gonna miss
these sessions, though.

Come on, Tiny Tears,
let's get out of here.

Hartley's starting
to get maudlin on us.

Uh, I'd like you all to stay,

and we'll continue the session,

and you'll describe your
feelings about my leaving.

Oh, I don't think I can
handle that, Dr. Hartley.

I'm gonna go wander
the streets aimlessly.

And I am going to knit myself

into a stupor.

I won't be going for a couple
weeks, so... so we'll have...

You know, we'll have
plenty of time to talk about it.

Yeah, I'll see if I can
fit you into my schedule.

Mr. Carlin, are you
sure you're all right?

Of course. See you
in the funny papers.

Don't go!

I'll pay anything!

I'll buy you a car!

I'll make you
anything! Anything!

I'll build you a gymnasium!

Hi, honey. Hi, dear.
How'd it go today?

Rough. Mrs. Bakerman and
Mr. Peterson got hysterical,

and then Mr. Carlin
took it from there.

Oh.

How was your day?

Well, actually, Bob, you know
I'm really very proud of myself.

I mean, it was the
last day of school

and they threw me a
party, and I didn't cry once.

I mean, I promised myself
no matter what happened,

I was not gonna break down,

so I just said my good-byes

and I just walked out of there.

Like a big girl, huh? Yeah.

I'm very proud of you. Yeah.

Oh, by the way, did you remember

to cancel the newspaper
subscription today?

Newspaper... Oh, Bob!

They'll never deliver a
newspaper again to our home...

where we're never
ever gonna be again.

Never ever!

Emily, you know...

it was... it was a
good newspaper.

Uh... here.

Oh, dammit, Bob!

I almost made it!

Emily, I promise
when we get to Oregon

I'll buy you a newspaper.

Oh, Bob!

Oh, my very own newspaper!

Hello, Dr. Hartley.

Oh, how are you, Mr. Gerber?

Come on in. Thanks a lot.

You remember
Mr. Gerber, our landlord.

Oh, the place
that we're leaving!

Yeah, sure. Hi there.

Well, you've got one of
our Riviera Holiday units.

This is my favorite floor plan.

Yeah, everybody
who comes up here

compliments us
on... on our floor plan.

Well, enough chitchat.

I have good news, Dr. Hartley.

There will be no problem
in you breaking your lease.

Well, I'm glad to hear that.

Oh, that's good.

You know, we were
afraid we'd have to pay

a lease-breaking
penalty fee or something.

No, don't be silly.

You will, of course, have
to forfeit your rent deposit,

your security deposit,
your garage deposit,

your key deposit and
all of your children.

Ha ha ha ha! I'm only
kidding about the kid.

Well, it's good to
have a jolly landlord.

Hey, life is short.

I'll just give the apartment
a quick once-over

and then I'll give you
back your cleaning deposit.

I'm sure that your apartment
is in perfect condition.

Oh, my God! What?

What's in there?

Uh, where? This area here.

Look at what happened
here. It's all charred.

It looks like someone
was b*rned at the stake.

That's... that's
just a little spot.

That was there when we moved in.

Well, it looks fresh to me,

but let's not quibble.

If this is the only area
that you've ravaged,

you're still in good shape.

This Holiday Riviera
unit is in perfect condition

because I have been
cleaning it for two weeks.

Yes, I'm sure that you...

How many animals
do you people have?

None.

None?

You mean to tell me that
a human being did this?

It's just a little nick.

Howard did that.

He was banging his
bowl for more cereal.

What's Howard, a buffalo?

Sometimes.

Uh, Mr. Gerber, are you gonna be
this picky about the whole apartment?

Picky?

Picky?

How do you expect me to feel

when my best unit
looks like a gypsy camp?

Mr. Gerber, you're exaggerating.

Yeah? Well, maybe.

I'll take a look at the
rest of the apartment

before I pass judgment.

Help yourself. Our
home is your home.

It looks like you said
that to Barnum and Bailey.

There are better ways, you know,

of telling if your
spaghetti is done.

Oh, I'm gonna k*ll him!

Don't get excited. Wait
a minute. I'm a nice guy.

And you're nice people,

I can tell by all the
parties you've had here.

Just let me finish up

and I'll be on my way.

Hartley, was this
carpet ever one color?

Nice guy.

We should have invited him
up when the circus was in town.

Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.

What's for dinner?

Oh, Howard, dinner won't
be ready for a little while.

That's okay, I just had a pizza.

Bob, could I speak
to you for a minute?

Sure.

Oh, uh, Howard, we
wanted to be alone.

We are alone.

Bob and I?

I got an idea. Why don't
I sit over on the couch?

Why didn't I think of that?

Bob, uh, have you
told Howard yet?

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

Well, no time like the present.

Hi, Howard. Dinner ready?

It's, uh... it's getting there.

Oh, boy!

Hi, Mr. Gerber.

Oh, how you doing, Borden?

I'm afraid, Hartley,

that you will not be getting
back all of your deposit money.

I'm sorry, you know, we
let the place go like this.

It's okay. I'll try to save it.

I'll come up tomorrow
and hose it down.

Bob, we're not gonna
get any of our money back.

Emily, it's worth
every penny we lose

just to see that performance.

What's our landlord
doing here, Bob?

Oh, uh,

that's what I wanted to
talk to you about, Howard.

I've, uh...

I've, uh... I've decided to take a
whole new direction in my career.

Good for you, Bob. Thanks.

And, uh, I've taken
a teaching position

at a small college in Oregon.

I don't know, Bob,

you might get tired making
that drive every night.

I, uh... I don't think you
understand, Howard.

Uh, does Emily know about this?

She's... she's coming
with me, Howard.

That could make
the drive easier.

Howard, we're leaving Chicago

and moving to Oregon,

and Oregon is
going to be our home.

Ah. Okay, let me
get this straight.

Uh, you're giving
up your practice,

you're moving
out of the building,

and you're moving to Oregon,

and I won't be your
neighbor anymore, right?

That's about it, Howard.

Oh.

Good, uh... good morning.

Oh, hi, Dr. Hartley.
Where's Mr. Carlin?

Oh, he called and
he said he'd be late.

So why don't we
just start without him?

Well, Dr. Hartley, this is our

last time together as a group.

That's right, Mrs. Bakerman.

I called Doris last night and
told her you were leaving.

How... how'd she take it?

Not well, but she was
in a bad mood anyway.

She'd just lost a split decision
to the Screaming Swede.

That would... That
would do it for me.

Dr. Hartley, I don't know

how we're gonna
get along without you.

Well, I'm glad you brought
that up, Mrs. Bakerman.

I have another
psychologist outside.

I'd like to introduce
him to you.

Is he supposed
to take your place?

Well, now that's
entirely up to you.

But I would like to bring him in
here and you say hello to him.

Well, it won't work
for me, Dr. Hartley.

After you're gone, I'm never
gonna see another psychologist,

not even socially.

Uh, Dr. Wyler?

This is Dr. James Wyler.

He's one of the best
psychologists in Chicago.

Why, thank you, Dr. Hartley.

All: How do you do?

Why don't you, uh... why
don't you sit down here?

Oh, thank you. Yes.

Dr. Hartley has told
me about your group

Pleasure to meet you.

You are the ex-Marine, are you?

Yeah. My bull neck
always gives me away.

Dr. Hartley, you didn't tell him

about my fantasy with
Ed "Too Tall" Jones.

I think it'd be better if
he heard it from you.

Yes. What Dr. Hartley
didn't tell me

is that you have such an
attractive lady in your group.

Oh, my!

Are you talking
about me, Dr. Wyler?

He must be, Mrs. Bakerman.

You're the only
lady in the group.

Can you leave this
with a clear conscience?

Dr. Wyler, this
is Elliot Carlin.

I had a feeling it might be.

How do you do?

Who's this bozo?

Dr. Wyler is a psychologist

that I'm recommending
to my patients.

Oh, the buck passes
here, huh, Hartley?

What are you doing
in that ridiculous dress?

Ridiculous? This happens
to be a designer original.

Better than that
rag you're wearing.

Dr. Hartley, look at us.

We're at each other's throats.

How can we get
along without you?

Mrs. Bakerman,
losing a psychologist

can be a very
traumatic experience.

I just want you to know that I'll
be here to help if you need me.

Why, thank you
very much, Dr. Wyler.

That's very comforting.

Uh, I think you'll be surprised

how easy it is to transfer
your trust to a new therapist.

Oh, Dr. Hartley, I don't
adjust to change very well.

I remember the time Doris decided
to become a liberated woman.

Why'd you do, burn her harness?

Mr. Carlin, that's
not very nice.

Why don't you knit your
lips together, Bakerman!

Mr. Carlin, you in particular

seem to have been very upset

to have gone to such extremes
to show your disapproval.

What, this old thing?

Mr. Carlin, I think
you're a big bully.

A bully in a dress.

Even in a dress I'm more
of a man than you are.

You can't say that to
me, I'm a leatherneck.

Please, gentlemen. All of your
arguing has made me drop a stitch.

Excuse me, but I
think we can channel

all this emotion
into other outlets.

Oh, relax, will, you, Wyler?

I pay good money so I can
come here and belittle Peterson.

Oh, yeah? Your slip is showing.

You wimp! Bully!

Mr. Carlin, you seem
rather hostile this afternoon.

Oh, yeah? So what?

Did you want to go with that?

Yeah, I guess so.

It all started when I was on the way
over here to the session and I, uh...

saw a guy wearing a
better dress than mine.

Bob, giving this "Good-bye"
party was a great idea.

Emily, it was your idea.

Well, I can still
like it, can't I?

Look, Bob,

you know what I think
would be very nice?

If we told our friends
how we feel about them.

Fine, and why don't you do it?

No, Bob, I mean I know it's hard
for you to express your feelings,

but, honey, it would mean
so much to them and to me.

All right, I'll do it,

if the right moment
presents itself.

Okay.

But when I start talking,

you better not start crying.

No, no. Bob, now I
thought of a little trick.

You see, if I start
to break down,

what I'm gonna do is I'm
gonna sing an upbeat tune.

What upbeat tune?

Well, I only know the
words to two songs,

"Oklahoma!" and
"Melancholy Baby."

Tough choice.

Yahoo!

Oh, Bob, Emily, excuse
me for being so happy,

but I just passed
my real estate exam.

Oh, Carol, that's wonderful!

And I made a promise to myself

I was not gonna get obnoxious

and try to sell
property to friends.

Not even you two who
happen to be moving to Oregon,

where I know this darling little

2 bedroom, 2 1/2 bath
love grotto with built-ins.

Emily, if I try to
sign anything tonight,

you stop me, all right?

Oh, Carol. Oh,
it's so wonderful.

That gives us a real
reason to celebrate

tonight at the "Good-bye" party.

Oh, listen, that reminds me.

I have a favor
I'd like to ask you.

I mean, it's just a small thing,

but, you know, it'd
mean a lot to me.

What, uh... what is it?

Don't go.

Carol.

Go on, have an hors d'oeuvre.

Okay.

Do I hear a song coming on?

Hey,

nice to see you up and
around this way, old-timer.

Yeah, the doctor said I
could do it one day a week.

We're gonna miss...

I say we're gonna miss you
down by the office, gramps.

You take care of him.

Hi, Carol.

Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.

You know, the
other day when, uh...

well, when you said you
were leaving and, uh...

did I seem flustered?

I... I didn't notice it, Howard.

No, I thought you took
it very calmly, Howard.

Oh, good, because
I feel great now.

In fact, I'm hunky-dory.
And I have a surprise.

Some of the pictures
I took over the years.

Oh, Howard, how sweet.

Can't wait to see 'em.

I didn't come here
to look at pictures.

Good, then the surprise worked.

Howard, this is a
picture of a turkey.

Yeah, that was Christmas 1975.

This is the picture
of the dressing.

Uh, Howard? Yeah?

These... these
pictures are all of food.

Where are all the
people, Howard?

They must have
put the food there.

That's a good point, Howard.

Howard, maybe we'll look
at the rest of them later.

I suddenly feel very hungry.

Howard, how do you
navigate an airplane?

No, no, no! You'll have
take lessons just like I did.

Oh, Emily, this
all looks delicious!

Nuts! I didn't bring my camera.

Wow. Do you realize
this may be the last time

we all have dinner together?

♪ Oklahoma ♪

♪ Where the wind ♪

♪ Comes sweeping
down the plain ♪

♪ I'll get the beans ♪

Maybe it is time she
got out of the big city.

Oh, that's a little
trick Emily's using.

Whenever she feels like crying,
she's gonna sing "Oklahoma!"

Oh, sure.

I thought she was
moving to Oregon.

Dr. Hartley, I'm sorry to bother
you, but I've got good news.

You get some money back
on your cleaning deposit.

You're kidding.

$1.17.

What's going on here?

Oh, it's a little
farewell party.

Another party.

This... this should cover it.

Sodom and Gomorrah.

Who was that?

Oh, that's our landlord.

I would have
invited him to stay,

but I was afraid he might.

You're not leaving,
are you, Jer?

Oh, no, I'm gonna
stick around here,

you know, straighten teeth,

having meaningless
relationships with lots of women.

I only hope that
when my time comes,

I don't make a fool out of myself
like some old geezer I know.

Well, I hate to be the one
to start the mushy stuff,

but I think it's
time for a toast.

Hear! Hear! Hear! Hear!

To Bob and Emily.

I'd like to wish them
the very best of luck.

And inform them that the little
two bedroom cottage I mentioned

can be had for a song.

Sorry.

The truth is I'm really
gonna miss you guys.

Well, I, uh... I have a toast.

There once was a
pirate named Bates

who learned how
to rumba on skates.

Howard. Howard.

Too sentimental, Bob? Right.

Yeah, well, I just want to say

I'm gonna miss you
guys, too, that's all.

Howard, uh,

I think Bob has something
to say to all of you.

Uh, yeah. I've been
thinking about it, Emily,

and I think, uh...

I really think, you
know, you ought to say it.

No, Bob, you go
ahead and say it.

Please, Bob.

Well it's just that
this is, you know,

kinda difficult for... For
me to say, you know,

but, you know, I wouldn't
feel right if I... if I didn't say it.

I mean, you know, I'd regret it
for the... for the rest of my life,

and I'd just like
to say that, uh...

you know, I... I love you guys.

Hey, Bob, we love you, too.

I mean, uh... you know,
sometimes I treat things lightly.

But that's only because,
uh, it's hard for me to...

you know, let my feelings out.

I don't make friends easily.

But you and Emily
have... Oh, Jer. Jer.

We know what you mean and, uh...

♪ Oklahoma ♪

♪ Where the wind comes
sweeping down the plain ♪

♪ Where the wavin' wheat ♪

♪ can sure smell sweet ♪

♪ When the wind comes
right behind the rain ♪

♪ Oklahoma ♪

♪ Every night my
honey lamb and I ♪

Come on, Howard!
Come on, sing with us!

I can't.

I don't even know the words!

And I've never even
seen "South Pacific."

♪ You're doin' fine, Oklahoma ♪

♪ Oklahoma ♪

♪ O-k-l-a-h-o-m-a ♪

♪ Oklahoma ♪

♪ O-K ♪

Oh, no!