Boy, the nerve
of some people.
You know what carmello
the parking attendant
Said to me?
He said...
Are you ready for this?
He said I'm "looking
round in the face."
I know my stomach
is starting to pop
But "round in the face"?
What do you think, jim?
Ask frank first.
I'll be able
to give you a better answer
After I hear frank's.
Well, murph...
Your face is starting
to look a little...
You know...
Like a wheel of cheese.
Great, frank.
Next you'll be telling me
I should be headlining
In the main t*nk
at sea world
You wanted to know
what we thought.
Well, I lied. I'm a great big,
cheese-faced liar.
It's not fair.
The baby's in my stomach.
Why should my face get fat?
This proves it.
God is definitely man.
Hello, hello, hello.
Do we all know what day it is?
Let me guess. Is it some
louisiana holiday
Where they let you marry someone
who isn't a relative?
Now, murphy, fat people
are supposed to be jolly.
Today
Is humboldt awards
nominations day.
Winning two years ago
helped me so much as a journalist
And if I win again
I won't have to hear the word
"fluke" come up nearly as much.
Humboldt nomination day--
My least favorite day
of the year
Next to my prostate exam.
No wonder.
Both days I end up feeling
the same way.
What are you complaining about,
frank?
You've been nominated every year
for the last ten years.
And every year I've lost.
This is how the humboldt
committee gets their kicks.
They're probably printing
t-shirts:
"Frank fontana, now celebrating
his second decade of loserdom."
Jim, you host
the awards banquet.
Have you heard anything?
I no longer host the awards.
They've given
someone else a turn.
What happened?
It's quite a relief, really.
Who needs the extra work?
Although I do wish
they'd called
Before I started polishing
my material.
Now no one will get to hear:
I took my young niece
to the carousel
By the smithsonian
the other day
And ran into a bit
of a problem.
She wanted to ride the pink swan
But dan quayle wouldn't get off.
I don't know where I get it.
The awards committee
has probably delivered
The list of nominations
to miles.
You know his routine.
He gets off the elevator
And tries to make
a big announcement.
It's so obvious.
If he avoids making eye contact
with you, you're not nominated.
Hey there,
boys and girls.
Yes, it's a wonderful day
in the neighborhood.
Do you know why?
I hold the answer.
Good morning, miles.
Corky, hi.
I'm over here, miles.
Can I get you
a cup of coffee?
No, no, that's okay.
Oh, god, I'm a fluke!
Hi, miles.
Hello, frank.
I knew I'd be nominated!
You can't lose
unless you're nominated.
Something's going on...
Murphy?
Yes!
You know already
When I find out
Who is leaking
information...
Yeah, yeah,
suspended without pay,
boiled in oil
Let's hear the nominations.
Let's see.
Editing...
Sports
Here it is--
"Individual achievement
In broadcast news
reporting."
The nominees are:
Frank, me, not corky,
who else?
There
is no joy left in this job.
Ed bradley, diane sawyer,
leslie stahl
Leslie stahl was nominated
instead of me?
Why?
Because she broke some scandal
On black market babies in romania?
How is that more interesting
Than my profile
of marvin hamlisch?
I hope she chokes
on her cornish game hen
At the banquet.
Oh! Oh, no, the first sign
of bitterness.
I'd better go to my office
and think good thoughts.
Get the hell out of my way,
garth!
You see? This is
the problem with awards.
I have had it
with this stupid humboldt.
I am not going.
If I want to be humiliated,
I'll visit my parents.
Very nice speech.
Notice how he thanked
his executive producer?
It's just something
to think about.
I can't believe
frank isn't showing up.
Who's going to accept his award
if he wins?
Yeah, right.
Fat chance.
Could I help you, sir?
No. Thanks.
All set.
Do you have a ticket?
It's okay. I'm supposed
to be in there.
I'll just stand here,
and then I'll leave.
You need a ticket.
I don't want to go in.
Why?
It's a long story.
Where's your ticket?
Oh, man.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Before we present our next award
How about a big hand
For the man
who so graciously stepped aside
So that I could be
at this podium tonight.
Mr. Jim dial.
Jim, stand up,
take a bow.
We're happy to see that
this will end a lot of debate.
We now know that, in fact,
jim can bend at the waist.
Just kidding, jim.
I was down at the mall here
just this last week
With my little boy
And I decided to take him
over to the carousel.
He wanted to ride
The purple ostrich
But dan quayle wouldn't get off.
Well, let's get down
to the business at hand.
The nominees for
the everett m. Humboldt award
For individual achievement
in broadcast news reporting are:
I need a ticket.
You're not listening to me.
I don't want to go in.
I want to stand out here
and occasionally look inside.
Ticket, please.
This is ridiculous!
I don't want to pull rank,
but do you know who I am?
Ticket.
All right, all right!
Smith:
and the winner is...
Frank fontana,f.y.i.
"Death in dade county."
I don't believe it.
Frank won?
I'm here!
Whoo-hoo!
Congratulations, frank.
I'm really glad
you've won this award
Because paula zahn said
if you did win
She'd wear my underwear
on her head.
Oh, wow!
I don't know what to say.
Look, I'm not...
I'm not going
to shrug this off
And pretend it doesn't mean
anything to me.
It means a lot.
I really thank you,
and I've got to thank
The best team
in the news business--
My good friends
Murphy brown
Jim dial
Corky sherwood-forrest
And our executive producer
miles silverman.
Silverman?
Who the hell is silverman?
Congratulations, frank.
Welcome to the winner's club.
Look at that victory loot.
That was the best part--
Free stuff you don't need
from people you don't like.
Actually, these presents
are for you guys.
Thanks for all
your support
Because I couldn't have done it
without you.
Well, thank you,
frank.
Ah, there he is.
I got a present
for you, buddy.
Why, hello, everyone.
It's me-- buddy.
Buddy silverman.
I got caught up
in the excitement
Of the moment.
I'm really sorry.
I got a present for you.
Ooh, thank you so very much.
I hope it isn't engraved.
Miles:
okay, people
Let's get to work.
Murphy, give us
an overview
About your piece
on the transportation
Of hazardous
chemicals.
As we all know...
I'm sorry, murph.
Before you got started
I want to put this out here
Where we can
all see it--
A reminder of what we
can achieve if we work at it.
Nice thought.
Go ahead, murphy.
As all of you know
Many serious toxic spills
have occurred
A lot thickly populated...
While we're stopped...
We stopped?
I would like
to make one comment.
After last night
I have a better idea
Of what
our peers reward.
You should lighten up
on the gloom-and-doom stuff.
I don't know how
you can lighten up...
Frank?
Washington post.
I've got to do a quick
interview with the post.
Do you mind, miles?
Actually...
Frank fontana.
Well, thanks a lot.
What does it
really come down to--
Just two more words
on the old obituary, right?
I tell you
It's very difficult
for the average reporter
Which I was
until last night...
Frank, frank,
we've got lots of work.
Tick, tick, tick.
I'll have to call you back.
Some people are waiting for me.
Right. You got it.
Okay, so where were we?
Oh, right, we
were fixing murphy's story.
Can think of something
I'd like to see fixed.
Just a sec.
My agent is on line one.
Kathleen sullivan
is on line two.
Whoa, who do I put on hold?
Make sure the villagers have
pitchforks and torches.
I'll call baron von humboldt
And tell him the monster
has escaped.
What's with this memo?
You're dropping the story
on the strike
At the wisconsin fish cannery,
and I'm finishing it up?
Murphy, fish, wisconsin--
It's not a humboldt story.
I don't have time to pick up
whatever you decide to drop.
Frank, can I have a word
with you?
If it's
about the fish story...
No fish.
I just came
from the legal department.
They had something to show me.
Recognize this box, frank?
No.
Let's look inside.
Does this look familiar?
Frank:
don't believe it.
It's here.
What is that thing?
It's the frank fontana
action figure.
Oh, oh, my publicist
Called a japanese
toy manufacturer
And sold him on the idea.
Oh, my god.
I looked inside
and saw a little you.
If someone's going to shrink
my anchor people
I want to be told.
Frank, you can't do this.
Journalists aren't supposed
to endorse products
Much less little versions
of themselves...
"With realistic arm motion
for launching grenades."
Oh, wow.
Can I keep this?
This and the little
beachwear ensemble.
Nobody is keeping anything.
There have to be limits.
First, you're
an action figure
Next, a sugar-coated
breakfast cereal.
Frank crispies--
no, it's over.
Miles, I'm doing this.
I'm doing this, and that
is the end of the discussion.
Okay, corky,
I looked at the rough cut
Of your visit to the vatican.
We should cut the part
Where you ask the pope
how he gets
His whites so white.
Other than that,
it's fine.
I liked it.
I didn't love it.
I can only give it...
Three humboldts.
I'll try to live
with the shame.
Excuse us.
Mr. Fontana?
Yes?
I'm mr. Praskin.
I'm mr. Schulimson.
We're with the public
accounting firm
Of markell, kalodner,
and weiss.
Can we speak privately?
No more interruptions,
frank.
Talk to your accountants
here and now.
We are not mr. Fontana's
accountants.
No, our firm was in charge
of tabulating the votes
For the humboldt awards.
You want an autograph?
You see
Last month one of
the fellows in the office
Had just purchased a
multi-function calculator
With a paperless printer.
Man, that puppy was built
for action.
And, well, our attentions
Were not where
they should have been.
We made an error
in tabulating the votes.
And I won by even more
than you thought?
I'm, uh...
I'm sorry, mr. Fontana
But you were given
the award in error.
What does that mean?
"...given the award in error."
I don't understand.
What does that mean?
You didn't win.
What does that mean?
I "didn't win"?
Oh, good lord.
I've been working
On the humboldts
for many years.
When I saw your name
at the top of the list
I thought,
"this can't be right."
I don't know why
I didn't check the totals
right then and there.
Don't tell me you intend
to strip him of his award.
What about
the man's dignity?
So you made a mistake.
Let him keep it.
That wouldn't be fair
to the rightful winner--
You, miss brown.
I won?
Yes, ladies and gentlemen,
I am back!
I mean... Oh, really?
Congratulations, murph.
Oh, frank, this isn't
how I wanted to win.
This is your award.
You deserve it
more than I do.
I'm going to have
to decline.
Praskin:
well, this is
most unusual.
If you decline,
it does go to the person
Receiving
the next most votes.
And that would be ed bradley.
Since miss brown declines
It goes to mr. Bradley.
(Whimpering)
Please, mr. Fontana,
I'm a c.p.a.
Don't make this any more difficult
than it already is.
Again, we're just sick
about this.
Keep up the good work,
everyone.
Miles:
we're going to fight
this, frank.
We'll sue
For public embarrassment
and humiliation.
Frank, are you
all right?
Let me get you
a drink of water.
Never mind.
Frank:
it was in my hands.
I had some small symbol
That said frank fontana
was actually good
And it was taken away.
I told my parents
about the award.
My mother cried.
My father...
My father said
he was proud of me.
For the first time in my life,
he was proud.
I got to get out of here.
I lost.
I lost... I...
I don't believe it.
I don't believe I lost.
I can't believe it.
Can you believe it?
I lost.
Oh, my.
I don't think I've ever
seen frank that upset.
I know.
We've pulled some pretty
amazing practical jokes
But this time I think
we've gone too far.
I'm really sorry
to bother you like this
But I've been trying
to get in touch with frank
For the last hours.
I'm really worried.
I don't know what
I'm going to find in there
when you open the door.
Think he blew
his brains out?
No!
Don't even say that.
What's the matter
with you?
Look, it happens.
One guy on the third
floor k*lled himself
when the cable went out.
People are funny.
Hilarious.
Here you go.
Good luck.
(Video game playing loudly)
Frank?
Frank?
Frank, it's me, murphy.
Oh.
Murph, hi.
Frank, I've been worried sick.
I've been trying to reach you
all last night
All this morning.
Where have you been
for hours?
I drove to canada.
Drove up, had a beer
Drove all the way back.
I needed to be alone.
Frank, we have to talk.
It's about the humboldt.
I can't talk about it.
You can't say anything
to make it any better
But there is something
I have to tell you.
There's one thing
that's kept me going
And that's knowing
what kind of friend you are.
I mean, when...
When you turned down
that award...
That's the thin string
I'm clinging to right now.
Frank, I have a confession
to make.
(Laughing:)
get ready to laugh.
You know those two guys who came
to take your humboldt yesterday?
(Chuckling:)
here it comes.
They were actors.
Is that a riot?
You were acting obnoxious--
in a sweet sort of way--
So we hired them
to play a joke on you.
It was a terrible idea, frank.
I'm really sorry.
Look, here's your humboldt.
Go ahead.
Don't feel
you have to hold back.
Yell, scream...
I only pray it won't affect
the emotional development
Of my unborn child.
I won?
I really won?
Oh, man, the pain.
Geez, frank.
You're depressed
when you lose
And you're depressed
when you win.
You don't leave yourself
a lot of choices.
What's the matter
with you?
I'll tell you.
I'm sick!
I let this award
take control of me.
If I lose, I must be bad.
If I win, I must be good.
Look, I even built
a little shrine for it.
I went out
and bought two chairs
So I could sit, with a guest,
and look at it.
I bought furniture!
What was I thinking?
Oh, geez, am I a mess.
You are not.
Don't even say that.
(Squeaky voice:)
hey, there, we're great.
We've got turbo jet packs
for diving in the bathtub.
It doesn't really work.
I just spin in circles
on the surface.
I went way beyond being crazy.
I am sick and twisted.
You really wouldn't
understand.
Oh, wouldn't i?
Let me tell you
something, frank.
When your name
was announced as winner
You know what?
I hated you.
You did?
Well, just for a brief flash--
two or three days--
But it was hate.
Oh, come on.
You're just saying that
to make me feel better.
No, it's true.
I wanted you in a full body cast
with an itch and an ugly nurse.
Oh, murph...
We're both sick
and twisted.
Hey, that's why we're friends.
Now, what do you say?
Are we okay on this?
Yeah.
We're okay.
(Squeaky voice:)
great, I'll buy you
something to eat.
You're on.
Why don't you go ring
for the elevator.
I'm just going
to grab my coat.
Okay.
Murphy:
leave it alone,
frank.