Frank:
I don't believe it, murph.
People are actually
having a good time
At one of your parties.
It's : ,
and everybody's still here.
Usually it's you, and me
And paul from accounting
dancing by himself.
It's inspired, isn't it?
A one-step-closer-to-death
party.
Where's the birthday boy anyway?
He was upstairs
on the phone.
There he is.
Les, get over here.
So, old buddy,
how does it el?
The big milestone,
the big three-
That strange age where you
stop listening to the stones
And start passing them.
Could you get me a cut
of your yeltsin piece
On the fourth?
It's your birthday.
Put the work away.
New york is crazy
over t budget.
I'm trying
to schedule a meeting...
There he is, mr. Birthday man.
Let me take a look at you.
Yep, you definitely
look old.
In fact, you look like hell.
It's hard to believe you're
only two years older than me.
It will probably be
somewhere in those two years
That they find a cure for death.
Too bad.
Murphy, I have to use
your phone again.
Again?
One more call,
and that's it.
Oh, man, I know amish people
who party better than him.
Phil:
hey, there, murphy.
Phil, you made it.
I was afraid you wouldn't
get away from the bar.
We're saying goodbye
to the wunderkind, right?
I wouldn't miss
this for anything.
In fact, I brought a gift basket
specifically for the occasion.
Oh, phil, this is great--
A truss, a can of prune juice,
dentures.
I want those back
at the end of the night.
Phyllis' mother
is staying with us.
And she'll need them
for breakfast.
So, eldin, party great, huh?
I bet you thought
I couldn't do it
But I did, didn't i?
I gave the perfect party.
You've de some weird things
since I've know you
But is is the topper.
There are three things in life
you do not mock--
The pope, frank sinatra,
and death.
You are now three for three.
I feel it is unsafe
stand next to you.
Excuse me.
This party is the stuff
legends are made of
Get away from me.
The best part is
about to happen.
Where is miles?
Where's your dear,
departed boyfriend?
I saw his cadaverous figure
heading into the hall closet
With your cordless phone.
Okay, that's it.
The gloves are off
I'll see you in minute.
Mile
I can't run a
prime time news show
With budget cuts like that.
We need every penny...
Drop the phone and come out
with your hands up.
Could you hold on?
This is the vice president
of business affairs
F.y.i.'S
entire travel budget
Depend
on these negotiations.
I don't care
Remember that next year
When you go to prague
On a greyhound bus
Two minutes, and I mean it.
(Doorbell chimes)
Well, it's about time.
I'm looking
for miles silverberg.
Hey, everybody, you know
our dear friend, the grim reaper.
I just stopped by
to throw miles
Into the pit
eternal suffering.
I would have been here sooner
But I spotted sam donaldson
on the way over
Couldn't resist
having a little fun.
I rolled down my window,
pointed at him, and said
"April , next year
Everybody may I have
your attention, please?
It's now time
to begin the eulogy
Will the mourners
please gather 'round?
(Imitating crying)
Will our guest of honor,
otherwise known as "the stiff"
Please step forward?
Miles silverberg, step forward.
Miles silverberg.
(Chanting:)
miles! Miles! Miles!
(Cheering)
It can't be done, neil.
I'm wrapping it up,
really.
Go ahead and start
without me.
Dearly beloved
We are gathered here
this evening
To bid a fond farewell
To the once young
once innocent miles silverberg.
You're k*lling me here, neil.
The signs
are all there.
The first tufts of hair
started growing
Out of his ears.
It wasn't long before
he started leaving work by :
So he could make
the early bird special.
You're not hearing me, neil.
We tried to pretend
it didn't mean anything
But obviously the end was near
when he wouldn't stop raving
About that last
bob hope special.
It's not possible.
And now, it's time
to bring out the cake.
Oh, yes, the cake.
(All humming funeral march)
Will the deceased please
blow out the candles.
(Chanting:)
blow! Blow! Blow! Blow!
You guys! You guys!
I don't know what to say.
Thanks for a great party.
Neil, is tomorrow at :
Okay for you?
All right, all right.
Right.
You've all had your fun.
Now it's my turn.
(Cheering)
I have a few choice words
to say about our hostess
Who can send anyone
To an early grave
And who...
I don't feel so good.
No, really.
I got a pain in my chest
And my arms.
It feels like my heart.
Oh, come with me.
I can't breathe.
Call the paramedics!
I think I'm having
a heart att*ck
Look, miles is
having a heart att*ck.
All:
aw!
(Electronic beeping)
Murphy:
miles, I just feel so terrible.
I thought
you were kidding.
I mean, when you grabbed
your heart and fell over
Looked so fake.
Hello.
You're miles silverberg
Is that correct?
Of course, it's correct.
Isn't it written there?
What if he were unconscious
and couldn't answer?
You'd probably be calling him irene,
and wheeling him off for a hysterectomy.
And I take it
you're murphy brown.
If anything happens to him
I'll have cameras
in your face so fast
Your nine iron will spin.
And your name is?
Dr. Armstrong.
Oh, this is perfect.
I have the only
gentile heart doctor
In the entire hospital.
I'm doomed! Doomed!
I'm circumcised,
if it makes you feel better.
Now if everybody's
finished
I have mr. Silverberg's
test results.
Oh, god, here it comes.
After studying your e.k.g.,
Blood workup,
X-rays, vital signs...
And the credit limit
on your mastercard.
My conclusion is
that you did not
Have
a heart att*ck.
I didn't?
What did I tell you, miles?
The man is a genius.
You have
a hiatal hernia.
That occurs when the stomach
Protrudes through an enlarged
tear in the diaphragm.
Causes a backup
of stomach acid.
And the resulting pain is so severe
it sometimes mimics a heart att*ck.
The more anxious
the person becomes
The more intense
the symptoms.
If you want my
cliff notes versions:
you had gas and freaked.
Oh, oh, wow!
I am so relieved
Did you hear that, murphy?
I'm not going to die.
That's right.
You're not going to die... Yet.
Yet?
What do you mean yet
After noting your cholesterol
level, blood pressure
And the fact that you asked to see
the ambulance driver's license
before you got onto the gurney
I would have to classify you
As an extreme risk candidate--
A heart att*ck
waiting to happen.
No, this isn't fair.
It's my birthday.
I want a second opinion.
Murphy, saw someone
With "bernstein"
pinned to his jacket.
Go find him, hurry.
Let's listen to what
the doctor has to say.
It's not hopeless.
You can turn the odds around
If you seriously reevaluate
the way you handle
Stress, diet,
and lifestyle.
I'll get a packet of information
to help you.
I want to see you in one week
for a checkup and a stress test.
I'll be right back.
Miles.
We'll all help you.
You heard what he said.
You can turn
this thing around.
Are you ready to go?
I'm making people nervous
out there.
Hello, everyone.
I'm so glad
you're alive.
How are you feeling,
old man?
Not that I'm saying you're old.
I'm the one whose heart
should have given out.
Not that yours did give out
You have a hernia.
My dog, trickster, had a hernia.
Someone pull
the emergency brake.
I can't stop.
It's okay, jim.
The topic of heart att*cks
makes people nervous
But I read all the literature
over the weekend,
And I learned that,
if I take all the right precautions
I can live a long
and healthy life.
Good for you, miles.
We're so proud of you.
Look, they gave me this
at the hospital--
It's a stress card.
You put your thumb on it
and it changes color
Depending on the amount
of stress you're feeling
at the time.
Blue to black.
Blue means
you're stress free.
What color are you,
miles?
Let's get to work.
Business as usual.
The name of the game
is future story ideas.
Okay I'll start.
As you all know,
the new hampshire primaries
are coming up.
And I think I have fresh angle
on how to handle it.
My cholesterol is .
Did you want to talk
about that, miles?
No, go ahead.
I just was standing here,
and thought it.
Next thing I know, I said it.
Yep. - - .
I'm a walking butter pat.
But that's not
why we're here.
Please, go ahead.
As I was saying
The primaries
are coming up
And I thought
it would be interesting...
Somebody dies of heart disease
Every seconds.
Maybe we should
postpone the meeting
till this afternoon.
I'm sorry.
That has nothing to do
with murphy's story.
Go ahead, murphy.
To recap,
I thought I'd take a look
At the campaign styles
of the various candidates.
The way each man uses the media
says a lot
About who he is.
I think we have a conflict
with my investigation
Of campaign funding practices.
Oh, there's no conflict.
We'll just do your story
another time.
Aw, man,
you always do this!
Well, you're not going to get away
with it this time.
Nice attitude.
Putting your ego
ahead of the show.
Why don't we let
miles decide.
Fine. Miles, which one of
us should go ahead
with our campaign piece?
Breathe, breathe.
Did you hear that?
He said murphy.
He did not!
Miles,
this is your call.
Yeah.
Who's going to it be?
I've got to go.
Jim:
where are you going?
I'll be in my office
What about
this story conflict?
Work it out
amongst yourselves.
Let me know what you decide.
Miles, you're
the executive producer.
It's your decision.
What if I weren't here?
You'd have to work it out.
Pretend I'm dead.
Well, good morning,
and welcome to
"Miles in hiding: day seven.
Here you go, jim.
Just initial.
You don't have to read it.
Just sign it, like miles always does.
What is this, frank?
It's just, you know
A purchase order
For some new skis
for my olympic story.
Why?
I'm going to be profiling
world-class skiers.
You want me to come down
the slopes on a garbage can lid?
Go ahead just sign
right there--
J.d.-- Jim dial.
And what's next
for the substitute teacher?
Pencil drop at : ?
Fake fire drill?
Sorry, frank, but
I happen to know
You already own
a perfectly good pair of skis
Aw, man!
I wasn't going to say this,
but I don't think
you have the right to say no.
Yes, I do, frank.
I'm in charge.
Great--
al haig in an armani suit.
The video tape library
hasn't approved
Any of my requests
for election footage.
It seems no one here
signed the paperwork.
"No one"?
Is that supposed to be me?
Am I to blame?
Let's all blame jim.
Let's just have one big
"blame jim" festival
I wasn't blaming you, jim.
We appreciate
everything you've done.
Oh, gee, the bad doughnuts.
That does it--
I quit!
Jaw is permanently clenched
I have a sh**ting pain in my eye
and the top my head's
about to blow off.
Who needs this?
Nice going, murph.
Another notch
on your belt of death.
Me?
This is ridiculous.
There's only so much
jim can do.
I'm going to go up
and talk to miles.
Don't let her go, jim.
She'll k*ll him.
It's not my problem.
I don't work here
anymore.
Ah!
Miles!
I can't stay.
I'm on my way
to the doctor
for my check-up.
Can I have new skis?
Can I reveal
my conspiracy theory?
No questions!
I have to take the test
stress-free.
Let me go!
There are pressing matters--
Issues that are crucial
for f.y.i.
I need answers, man.
All right.
One question, that's all.
All right.
Where do you get
the good doughnuts?
Moreno's bakery.
You asked him
the doughnut question?
There is no anxiety.
There is no stress.
You are relaxed.
You are floating down
a river of light.
Excuse me, miles.
Miles, I hate to interrupt
When you're trying
to lull yourself into a stupor
But you have a visitor.
Who is it?
Murphy.
What?!
She's not supposed
to be here!
She's on my forbidden list,
below fettuccine alfredo.
Now, miles, aren't you being
a trifle silly?
I think a visitor
would be nice.
Why don't we let her
pop in for a second.
No popping, no popping.
She'll come in here
and talk about work.
She'll make me tense.
I can't afford to be tense.
I won't talk about work,
I promise.
Look--
I even brought you a present--
One of those
paint-by-numbers sets.
See?
Two bunnies on the farm.
Isn't that relaxing?
Come in, murphy.
Please, sit down.
I went to the doctor
this morning.
Baby's doing great.
Good, good.
How was
your doctor's appointment?
Fine, fine.
Well, thanks
for visiting. Bye.
Oh, stop it, miles!
I'm sorry, but I
cannot continue
this charade any longer.
He's not fine.
His condition's
even worse.
His blood pressure's
off the chart.
I know.
I called the doctor.
Miles, I can't stand
seeing you like this.
You're retreating
from life.
There's a rumor
That your toenails
are two feet long.
I'm just taking
some simple precautions.
It's perfectly normal.
Is it normal for someone
to lie in bed
On a beautiful
saturday afternoon
With a blood pressure device
attached to his arm?
Audrey, what if
I were naked?!
That would be
a nice change.
And look at this--
A medical supplies catalog!
He circled an ad
for a home defibrillator--
The heart-start , .
This morning
over breakfast
He asked if I'd have any problem
administering electric shock.
The computer makes
the decisions.
She just holds the paddles.
He's completely
out of control!
He's so afraid
of any physical exertion
He won't even touch me
romantically.
He says he can't risk
All that blood rushing away
from the heart.
Oh, fine! Tell her
all the intimate details!
Don't forget to mention
my little monkey dance.
...not that I do
a little monkey dance.
Murphy, I'm
at my wits' end.
You talk to him.
I'm going home.
Oh, I must hurry.
The last barge
from the isle of the dead
Leaves in five minutes.
Murphy
I appreciate your coming over
But there's nothing you can do.
You flunked your test
Because you're too stressed out
trying to avoid stress.
Nobody can avoid stress.
All you can do is learn
to manage and release it
I can't.
Are you going to spend your life
in bed?
It's not such
a bad place.
I've got a remote tv,
a remote stereo
Remote phone, remote vcr.
My final days
will be happy ones.
You'll never see a bird
or a flower.
I get the nature channel.
You'll never get to phil's.
It's crawling with bacon.
You'll never see the inside
of brooks brothers again.
They're having a sale.
Don't do this.
% Off all merchandise.
Oh, god!
Well, here we are...
Mecca.
So, what do you feel like?
Is it a blazer, slacks,
or a shirt kind of a day?
Ooh, sweaters.
Take a look at these.
Well, what are
you waiting for?
Cable knits galore,
and cashmere...
They're practically
giving tm away.
It's too fast, murphy.
I can feel my heart
b*ating faster.
Maybe we should have started
with belts.
I don't think so, miles.
Look... Look at this.
Pretty nice, huh?
Feel.
Eh... I've seen nicer.
That's not bad
But I'm really not into
that whole v-neck thing.
Ah! You're right,
you're right.
You know your necklines.
But this...
This definitely has
That subtle silverberg
power look.
That is nice
And it's my color.
I like it.
Yes.
A smile.
Welcome back, miles.
Let's just make sure
We have the right size.
That seems to be
the only medium.
Let's try a small.
Let's just hold this up
and see how it fits.
It's too small.
I need the room
in the shoulders.
We should go
with the medium.
It's perfect.
Excuse me,
I was looking at that.
I don't think so.
It was lying
on the table.
I put it there
to look at another sweater.
That's what I said.
It was lying
on the table.
But I saw it first.
I was going to buy it.
You should have
thought of that
Before you put it back...
On the table.
Hey, pal!
Where are you going
with that?
Murphy, don't make a scene.
Miles,
what are you doing?
He grabbed it from you.
You can't let him
get away with that.
Yes, I can.
It's not important.
It's just a sweater.
I won't get upset.
You are avoiding again.
Don't keep it bottled up.
Go over there
and say something.
No, really.
I'm over it.
Let's go look
at the blazers.
Uh... I'm looking
for a new camel's hair jacket.
Oh, this is a nice one.
It would be perfect...
With that sweater.
I put it down
for one second...
What kind of world
is this
When a man needs
an armed guard to shop?
Geez, miles,
you're all pink in the face.
Maybe this wasn't
a good idea.
Come on, let's go.
I'll take you home.
You're right.
I'm getting upset.
Let's go.
What are you doing?
Where are you going?
If I walk out
of this store now
I'll never come back.
I can't run away anymore.
I have to learn
How to deal
with my stress.
Excuse me, sir.
May I speak with you
for a minute?
Oh, no,
not the sweater again.
I just thought
it might be possible
For two adults
to find a civilized way
To handle our problem.
You put the sweater down;
I picked it up.
There's nothing else
to talk about.
Shut up!
Shut up, you!
I'm years old,
and a french fry could k*ll me!
My heart could explode
any minute!
I hope it does!
That would give you
something to talk about!
Half my uncles d*ed
before they were .
My uncle irv keeled over
at his college graduation.
How do you like that?
Magna cum dead!
We're a sick family
And I'm sicker
than all of them.
The only thing
That could give me
one iota of pleasure
Is that sweater.
That's my sweater.
I want that sweater!
Give me that sweater!
Geez, all right!
Get yourself
some lithium, pal.
Okay, let's go.
Move it along.
Nothing to see.
Don't block the stairs.
Show's over.
Nice scene, miles.
Are you do
Or would you like
to take hostages?
How about that, murphy?
I'm not dead!
I yelled, I screamed,
and I'm not dead.
It's blue. Normal.
Stress-free.
I'm back.
What did I tell you,
miles?
You can't keep things
bottled up.
Now, let's go pay
for that sweater
Before they send out
the att*ck dogs
And for future reference
I wouldn't go doing that
very often.
That's not managing
your stress.
That's a meltdown.
Ow, ow!
What's wrong?
I strained my vocal chords.
I better go to the doctor.
You never know
where these things could lead.
I could lose my neck.
It's hard to live
without a neck...