Now where's this guy with the pills?
Hey, what the hell are you doing?!
I was saving you.
This is your best bet
for a new identity.
This needs to last you
the rest of your life.
You need a real person...
Young, single...
- Dead.
- Dead.
I found a Gertrude Fronch.
- Uh-huh.
- No, no. Not happening.
I can't give you your job back.
I don't work here anymore?
I said I would try with her, and I will.
You thought my dad
was a psycho intruder.
We almost sh*t him.
Oh, I live here permanently now.
You think Gertrude's what I should do?
- I think so.
- Then that's what I'll do.
[LINE RINGING]
PATTY: What? [BEEP]
Patty?
Everything's ready.
I need you here. I'm...
I'm leaving tonight.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Allison.
[SCREAMS]
[GASPS AND PANTS]
[INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENTS OVER P.A.]
God, he could be sleeping.
He's not. He's in a critical coma.
Now let's get outta here
before some nosy nurse comes in.
Oh, I need a minute.
Kevin heard from one of his cop friends
that he moved a finger.
Oh.
Well, we can't let him wake up.
Let him? We...
We... We're not here...
We're not gonna...
No! No, no, no.
Just needed to see with my own eyes
that he was still in a coma.
I keep having these dreams.
Well, here he is.
Okay.
Yeah, it'll be fine when I leave.
Neil can get drunk,
say whatever he wants.
He can wake up screaming my name,
and they'll just be ruining
the life of a dead woman, so...
Be like none of this ever happened.
Still nothing from your PI?
No. I gave him Gertrude's
name and information,
but he hasn't returned my calls.
I think Chuck's got him in hiding.
Maybe you can... call him?
- What?
- Well, he loved you, you charmer.
I feel like maybe
he'd return your calls.
Sure.
Tammy's still asking
questions about the last favor
I did for you, but, yeah.
Use me as bait, I guess.
[DOOR OPENS]
Oh, sh...
Hi... Cindy.
Patty.
Um...
We were, uh... We were just...
This is Allison.
I'm Allison.
Patty wanted to come
by and check on Nick.
We heard he was getting
a little bit better.
Oh, not really.
I mean, you can tell 'cause the cops
stopped handcuffing him to the bed.
Ah.
Even they don't believe
he's gonna get up.
Ah, well...
We will... leave you to it, then.
Mm-hmm. Oh, and happy birthday.
Birthday?
Thank you, Cindy.
- It's your birthday?
- Tomorrow.
Well, how come she knew and I didn't?
I dealt to Cindy.
We have, like, a bond.
You have a bond?
We broke into her house together.
Did she get you off the hook
for selling oxys to old ladies?
The more times you bring
up the one nice thing
you ever did for me,
the less nice it gets.
I have done more than one nice...
Name anything else.
See?
But, yeah, I will go ahead
and call your PI for you, sure.
You don't have to do that.
No, no, it's fine.
'Cause soon you'll be gone,
and it'll be like none of
this ever happened, right?
We're planning a surprise
party for Patty.
- You are?
- We are.
I need it turned around quickly,
and you are the expert in partying.
Ah. Where'd you hear that?
You had it printed on business cards.
[LAUGHTER]
Only took years of marriage,
but you're finally useful to me.
Excuse me?!
[PERSON LAUGHING OBNOXIOUSLY]
What was that?
Did a demon just achieve its final,
most powerful form in our kitchen?
No, my dad has a new girlfriend.
And the girlfriend has... a laugh.
[OBNOXIOUS LAUGHING CONTINUES]
Wait. When did Pete
get a new girlfriend?
I haven't heard him
talk about another woman
since your mother had
the good sense to die.
I was trying to get
him out of the house,
so I signed him up
for some dance classes.
That sounds thoughtful.
I figured, you know, he might fall down,
break a hip, have to go live in a home.
It's a win-win!
There it is.
But instead, he's got a girlfriend.
And the girlfriend has that laugh.
[OBNOXIOUS LAUGHING CONTINUES]
Pete's not even funny.
I know. A laugh like that...
You keep that hidden
until after marriage.
And here she is, just showing it off
like it's a cool barbed-wire tattoo.
[OBNOXIOUS LAUGHING CONTINUES]
Okay. Well, hey, you
can distract yourself
by helping me plan this party.
You really planning on surprising Patty?
- Yes.
- Patricia O'Connor?
How many Pattys do you know?
In Worcester? Like .
Fair enough.
But I need money. I
need you to get booze.
I need this party to be incredible,
one-of-a-kind, special.
Patty deserves it.
When is it?
Tomorrow.
Sounds real special.
Oh, shut up.
[LAUGHTER]
Okay. Well, just, you know, call Diane,
tell her to stock your
booze from the store.
Well, she's in South Carolina.
No, she isn't.
Chuck tracked her down,
went to go see her,
reminded her what she was missing.
- And that worked?
- Ish.
She's "taking some time"
over at the extended
stay over on Shadyside.
Hmm. I don't know
what's more depressing...
Life with Chuck or life without him.
[LAUGHTER]
[MUFFLED TELEVISION
PLAYING THROUGH WALL]
[SIGHS]
♪ I put awaye those suitcase dreams ♪
♪ Smiled a little sultry smile ♪
You got my hair products andlotion?
Yeah.
That was a nice surprise.
And there's literally nothing better
you can do for a woman of color.
That stuff was half
off, most of it, so...
really not a big deal.
Of course not.
And what about you?
What about me?
I mean, if I was to
get you a nice surprise,
what would it be?
I hate surprises.
Okay, but I'm sure there's
something that you want
for yourself.
♪ Time has passed,
I'm playing my guitar ♪
Ugh! Whatever.
I know that your birthday is tomorrow.
Why do you know that?
Because I knew you would
never tell me, so I...
looked you up a little bit.
Okay, that's... s-sweet?
And I found out you
got caught shoplifting
a pink thong when you were .
I learned my lesson.
I never tried to wear pink again.
I'm glad you turned your life around.
[CHUCKLES]
So what do you want to
do for your birthday?
Ah, uh...
Probably nothing.
Neil sometimes takes me ice skating,
but, um, he's been
a real ass lately, so...
More than usual?
Yeah, I guess we're not...
Um, we're not really even talking,
so family ice skating is definitely off.
Well, if you want to go to
the rink, I can take you.
N-No.
T-Thanks, but...
And Allison can come, too.
Allison?
Yeah, I'm sure she'd want to come.
And you're friends.
See how I say that with
no visible eye-roll?
Uh-huh. Yeah.
Well, don't hurt yourself.
Uh, yeah, I just... It...
Hey, I don't want a
fuss about it, you know?
And I... I... [EXHALES]
I just... I want a quiet
day alone to myself.
Self-care or some sh*t.
If you're sure.
I am, yeah, so can we
please go grab dinner?
- Yes.
- Okay.
Yes. Um, just give me a minute.
Um, yeah, just give me one minute.
Oh, boy.
[LINE RINGING]
PATTY: What? [BEEP]
Patty, did the PI get back to you yet?
- 'Cause I have to...
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
I have to go.
Tammy.
Hi.
Um, Patty's not here.
I know. I, um...
actually came to talk to you.
Ah.
Can I...?
Uh, yeah. Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Mm. Just...
- Well, I'll sit...
- Okay.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
[CLEARS THROAT]
So, how... How can I help you?
So, I'm sure you know that
it's Patty's birthday tomorrow.
And she doesn't want to do anything,
and I thought maybe together
we could force her to
go to a bar or something.
Ah. Actually, I, um...
I'm planning a surprise
party for her tomorrow.
- A surprise party?
- Yes.
- For Patty?
- Yes.
Have you thought this through?
Uh, yes, I have.
And she's gonna... She's gonna love it.
Were you gonna tell me about it?
Yes. I wa... yeah.
Um, it was just all last-minute,
and I was actually,
um, gonna ask you if you
would help me plan it.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
O-Okay.
Okay?
- Okay.
- Ah.
I'll come tomorrow morning
and help you out with errands.
We can do it... together.
- Okay.
- Alright.
So I'll see you tomorrow?
Yeah. Um...
You should probably get
some more decorations.
Well, y-yeah.
Yes, that's the...
That's the plan, so...
Okay. Well... All...
- Thanks. Bye.
- Bye.
[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]
Hey, make sure to leave
me a breathing hole.
Remember, the character's name
is the Incredible Tape Man.
Hey, Kevin, weren't you
supposed to be helping Allison
throw that party that
sounds like a terrible idea?
Was I?
And, Neil, aren't you supposed
to be distracting Patty,
keeping her away from here?
Am I?
Two against one. I guess I'm wrong.
[LAUGHTER]
Ah-ha! [LAUGHS OBNOXIOUSLY]
Look at your face!
I can see you boys are just
gonna have me in stitches.
[LAUGHS OBNOXIOUSLY]
Neil, this is my girlfriend, Lorraine.
She's got both her original hips,
and she uses them.
[BOTH GROAN]
Come on!
I'm a dance instructor
at the senior center.
And it makes me very good at sex.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Get in there.
Oh, Kevin, I think you got a
dying animal in your chimney.
I just heard the most
unholy sound from outside.
[LORRAINE LAUGHING OBNOXIOUSLY]
Never mind.
Diane, don't even bother
bringing that booze to the kitchen.
Right in front of me is just fine.
[LORRAINE LAUGHING OBNOXIOUSLY]Ugh, God.
I can't live like this.
Oh, yeah, the laugh is
rough, but, uh, I don't know,
kinda miss having a little
noise in my life, you know?
Ah, still not back with Chuck, huh?
Well...
Uh...
[LAUGHTER]
Phew. Uh, absolutely not.
You know, I don't exactly
miss his one-bean salad, but...
you know, it...
It might b*at the sadness
of the Worcester View Suites.
Worcester has a view?
No.
A man-free home, huh?
Sounds joyless, scary,
and free from the kind of smells
that remind you that you're alive.
I guess.
Anyway, I-I'll see you
boys later at the party.
Alright, we'll see ya, Diane.
Bye-bye.
Neil, buddy, I figured out
how we're gonna break up
my dad's relationship.
I just got to "Parent Trap"
him with my aunt by marriage.
Do I look like the smartest
person in the world?
You're gonna have to spell
it out a little bit more
for me, pal.
We're gonna set up Pete with Diane.
But we got to do it ASAP at the party,
which now needs to be perfect.
So I need you to go and
distract Patty like Allison said,
and I will lay some groundwork, alright?
This is now priority number one!
Okay, well, can you at least
help me de-tape my face first?
Nope, no time, no time.
Go! No time.
Oh, God.
There is absolutely no time at all.
[LAUGHTER]
- Of course.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
Come in.
Ah.
Are you burnin' something?
No.
Yes, maybe. Whatever.
- What are you doing here?
- I'm taking you to the rink.
Did you forget?
No, I... I didn't forget.
I-I just thought that you...
Nothing. I'll get ready.
Get moving, then.
Shut up. Be five minutes.
Alright.
[COUGHS]
The pancakes are delicious.
Allison.
[SCREAMS AND PANTS]
[DOOR OPENS]
Sorry.
Well, the doorbell works,
just for future reference.
I just came to the back
so Patty wouldn't see.
Excuse me.
Just, uh... Just lettin' ya know.
Just trying to preserve the surprise.
Eh, it's fine.
But you're sure it's a good idea?
Yes, it is a... A nice thing that I'm...
We are doing, and she's gonna love it.
She said yesterday that
she hates surprises.
Well, whenever Patty
says she hates something,
that means she really wants it.
Did you invite your people?
Just a few friends from
work and some of her clients.
Okay, well, uh, so I'm
gonna have to get a cake
and some apps and her gift,
and, um, want to get
some more streamers.
Yeah, looks like there's still some work
that needs to be done in here.
Yep.
Yep, that's why we're
getting an early start.
So, let's... let's go.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[INDISTINCT MUSIC PLAYING IN BACKGROUND]
Think after several decades of
coming here for your birthday
you'd be just a little
bit better at this.
Nobody wants to be great at ice skating.
It's like karaoke.
Being good at it is just annoying
to the people you go with.
[LAUGHS]
Yeah.
I stand by what I said.
Could you help?
Neil?
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]
[CLEARS THROAT]
So, how's work?
It's fine.
Do you know anything more about the...
The guy who broke into my place?
Um, I can't discuss an
active investigation.
Active.
How active?
Where are you from?
Uh, from here.
Same.
Any brothers or sisters?
Nope. [CHUCKLES]
- Only child.
- Shocking.
What do you mean?
It just seems like you're
someone who never had to share.
Uh, turn here.
Patty's gift is in an alley?
Yeah.
Okay, why is Patty's gift in an alley?
Because I-I wanted to get her menthols,
and apparently, they're illegal.
Well, they should be.
They're disgusting.
Yeah, but now she just smokes
regular ones and sucks on mints,
which is worse.
I know a guy who sells them.
You know a guy?
Well, I worked at a liquor store.
Ah, yes, the underworld.
So you just, uh, roll down the window,
do the exchange,
don't get out of the car.
You do know I'm a police officer, right?
They're just menthol cigarettes.
Uh, and I think cops
get a discount, so...
thank you.
You're welcome.
Uh... uh...
Uh, what the hell?
That's gonna be $ .
[CELLPHONE RINGS]
- Who's that?
- Oh, uh, no one.
You said $ .
Nope. $ .
[SIGHS] Okay, well, um...
I... can you just... 'cause
I have to get this call.
Sorry.
Okay, so now I'm not just
witnessing illegal activity,
- I'm participating?
- Hello?
Hey, the PI guy called me back.
Really? That's great.
What's great?
- Who's that?
- Nothing. It's no one.
Um, so what did he say?
He says you need to get
Gertrude's death certificate
from City Hall, and
you need to do it fast.
Uh, and why is that?
Pleasure.
Thank you, Craig.
- What are you doing?
- Nothing!
So, just tell me what...
What were you saying?
He said you need to move
because something about it
being logged into the system
at the end of the month.
I think. He was eating
soup when he said it.
Okay, well, um, I
know... I-I-I think
I know someone who
could help us with this.
Allison, how are we gonna
steal something from City Hall?
Isn't that, like, a felony?
[LAUGHS] I don't know.
[LAUGHS]
W... I was nice enough to be bait
for you, and what, you don't...
You don't have any time
to talk to me now?
Uh, yeah, okay. [CHUCKLES]
Okay, I'll talk to you later. Bye.
Oh, yes. It is my birthday.
Thank you so much for remembering.
Uh, we need to make a new stop.
If it's holding up a liquor store
to get Patty a case of beer,
I'll pass on the additional crime.
[LAUGHS]
Good one.
- Ah!
- Hey!
Move.
[GRUNTS]
- Hey, guys. Whoa!
- Hey, watch it!
- Hey, guys.
- You okay? You alright?
[INDISTINCT MUSIC PLAYING IN BACKGROUND]
You don't have to come inside.
I'll be quick.
People are showing up in like an hour.
- Maybe we just skip...
- I will just be a minute.
Allison.
You don't have to do this.
Do what?
Patty doesn't know we're
planning this party,
and I'm still not even
convinced she wants it,
so maybe we just forget about it
and get her a gift
card to a nail salon...
No, no! We have to do this.
It just seems like it's becoming a lot.
Well, it's not.
I got this.
Excuse me.
I'll be back for that.
There's your sauces.
What do you need, Allison?
I know. I know.
This is... This is the last thing, okay?
I need you to let me
deliver the standing order
to the board of Alderman this week.
- I, uh...
- Well, it's...
You know, basically, it's
doing you a favor, right?
Why?
Um, I need something from
City Hall after hours,
and I delivered the order
before, so I know,
you know, it's basically
a ghost town after : .
Oh, and I need a cake.
God, are you robbing City Hall?
No, no, no, no, no.
I just need a death certificate.
[DOOR OPENS]
You said you'd just be a minute.
Hey.
Um, Tam, this is Sammy.
Sa... Sam, this is Tammy.
When people see a cop in a car,
they come up to ask if
there's a bust going on.
It's very annoying.
- You're a cop?
- Uh, yeah.
Helping Allison? Really?
Hel... Helping me plan a party, okay?
So, are you guys catching up,
or are you trying to make my
life harder for some reason?
Oh, no, we're done.
We're done?
We're done.
I'll get your cake.
- So...
- Yeah.
How long have you and that
guy been having an affair?
What?
Sam.
You fooled around.
[SCOFFS] No!
[CHUCKLES] No.
Okay, yeah.
It was one moment... One moment...
And it's done.
That explains why he's so pissed.
I already feel terrible
about it, so yeah,
just... Just pile it on.
Hey, I've met your husband.
I get it.
Really?
I mean, what else are
you supposed to do?
Uh, a lot of people would
say I should get a divorce.
[SCOFFS] Right.
Like that's easy.
I know guys like Kevin. They're just...
Mm. You remember my partner Bram?
Uh, yeah, yeah.
He asked me to plant
evidence for him once.
He b*at the hell out of some guy.
Known drug dealer, all-around scumbag,
but his place was clean.
Bram messed up and I fixed it,
and everybody knew.
I don't even know how
he got me to do it.
So, yeah.
I don't think you're a bad person
for cheating on Kevin McRoberts.
[CELLPHONE RINGS]
Um, you gonna pick that up? It's Patty.
Oh, I just told you...
Everybody knew I planted that sh*t.
I'm a terrible liar.
This is Tammy. Leave a message.
Hey, you.
Uh, it's... it's me.
Just... Just calling to
see what you're up to today.
On this day.
Uh...
Bye.
[INDISTINCT MUSIC PLAYING IN BACKGROUND]
You can't cool it for like two hours?
I'm mixin', aren't I?
You went to the snack stand.
Where are my nachos?
You always just burn your
mouth and complain all day.
Yeah. You buy 'em for me and I complain.
On my birthday, we come to the rink,
you show off on the ice,
I fall, you make fun of me,
and then you buy me the nachos
with the cheese that's too hot.
It's the one thing that you or any...
Anybody does for me.
It's what we've done every other year.
Well, it's not every other year, is it?
You really thought that it was?
Come on!
Then why are we even here?
Good question.
- No!
- [BOTTLE SHATTERS]
sh*t.
[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]
Oh! You're home.
Wow! This place looks like a real party.
Minus the people.
Alexa, turn down the lights.
ALEXA: Okay.
Now you can't see that
there's nobody here.
Kevin, are you actually helping?
You say that like I never do.
I say that like every time I ask you,
you pretend to be hard of hearing.
What's that?
[LAUGHTER]
You know, I-I don't understand
why we're working so hard
on this thing that
Patty's gonna hate anyway.
Dad, today is not about Patty!
- It's her birthday.
- It's her birthday.
So? I have a birthday, too!
That doesn't mean that we just give up!
We can't let those people win!
People whose birthday it is?
[LAUGHING OBNOXIOUSLY]
Never surrender!
Alright, I pre-gamed with a power hour
and this party is all I have in my life.
Who's it for again?
- Patty.
- Oh, that is a bad idea.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh-ho, Diane's here! [LAUGHS]
Diane's here, everybody.
- Yeah.
- How are you, Diane?
Ah, well, tell you the truth, Kev,
I'm a little, uh, "ugh," you know?
It's been a rough couple of months.
Fantastic. How about this.
How about you come on into the kitchen.
That way you can be closer
to the good booze, right?
And Dad, I know how you love drinking.
I really do!
So much in common, you two.
Let's take a quick trip
into the kitchen, yeah?
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
That woman's laugh is bad.
Hmm?
Oh, yeah, yeah. [CHUCKLES]
Um, so, who did you invite?
Fitz and Parker from the station.
My friend Rochelle, who
Patty seems to like... mostly.
And then I just dug
through her client book.
Her client book?
So these are all...
These are all clients?
It's a surprise party.
The whole thing's invasive.
And I just found the
ladies that've been going
to the salon for years.
Hmm. I recognize her.
Just, um, through Patty, or...
- Through work.
- [CELLPHONE DINGS]
Oh, that's Neil. They're on their way.
I'll get everybody together.
Okay.
For life.
We're banned for life.
Mom took me there.
Why don't you get me
banned from the gazebo
behind the library where
I had my first cigarette?
You know, ruin every good
childhood memory I have.
They made me pick up glass off the ice.
Do you know how hard that is?
I would've done it.
You would've, but you're
so drunk you can't bend over
without cracking your head open.
Where are you going?
We need to pick something up at Kevin's.
I need your help.
Of course that's where
we're spending tonight...
At Kevin's.
Just ask for one... Just one day, Neil.
But I guess that's too much to ask for
from a g*dd*mn violent drunk.
ALL: Surprise!
[LAUGHTER]
Jesus, Allison.
Okay, so it was a bad idea.
[LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHING OBNOXIOUSLY]
[LAUGHING OBNOXIOUSLY]
That was the worst surprise I ever seen.
[CHUCKLES] She's so honest.
Alexa, lights up.
ALEXA: Okay.
Now Patty can see all the old
ladies who came to her party.
What the hell is this?
This is a party.
Try to have fun.
Oh, I'm so glad you're finally here.
Oh, Kevin, that's...
[LAUGHTER]
That's exactly right.
Neil, buddy, I'm in
need of some backup ASAP.
I don't know, Kevin,
I've... I've had a day.
Neil, now is not
the time to get selfish.
Patty's birthday is
about me and my plan.
And right now, it's in need
of some serious mouth-to-mouth.
Alright, fine, you
kiss Pete, I take Diane?
What? No.
God! How drunk are you?
Very.
[LAUGHTER]
- This is...
- A lot.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I'm sorry.
Drink up. It'll go faster.
Uh, yeah, uh, thanks, but would...
Would you get me a beer?
Because vodka is also...
- A lot.
- Yeah.
I thought I was making some
progress on you, but fine.
Beer it is.
Try to have some fun.
Sure thing.
Allison, why is every
person I sell pills to here?
Tammy...
Tammy handled the... the invites
and, you know, found your client book,
and I guess it was the bad one.
Oh, God.
Also, the investigation into Nick
and the drug stuff, it's, um...
It's not entirely...
It's not entirely closed.
- What?
- You're dating her.
I feel like you should've
known this already.
Why the hell would you
let her plan a party
with you in the first place?
Because if I didn't,
she would hate me more
than she already does.
Oh, God forbid.
Okay, well, we'll just
clear the ladies out
before they talk to her
or the other cops, okay?
You just deal with Tammy and I will...
- I will deal with this.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Hey.
- What?
Happy birthday.
Okay.
And Lorraine went to nursing
school for a couple of years,
so she can check
everyone's moles for free!
Yeah, I mean... she sounds okay.
But, Dad, don't you think a man
like you should be out there,
you know, playing the field?
I get out of breath
if I sit up too fast.
If I play the field,
I'll end up under it.
Well, uh, what about
that Diane, huh? Huh?
I've known her for years.
Maybe she's been the one right
under your nose all along.
I-I mean, she was with Chuck, you know?
Were you really lookin'?
[LAUGHTER]
I'm lookin' at her now.
She's, uh, fresh on the market, Dad.
Very vulnerable.
Yeah. H-Hey, Diane.
Come on over here.
Wipe your face first, but
then come on over here.
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah, Diane, we were just saying, uh,
how great you look tonight.
Oh, well, that's sweet.
I've been alternating eating spoonfuls
of peanut butter and chocolate sauce.
No carbs that way.
That's cute.
Yeah, i-it's basically cooking.
[SCOFFS] Cooking? Me?
No. I burn water.
Oh, uh, come on, I've had your water
at one of your game-day parties.
Yeah.
Gotta love a girl who
loves football, huh?
Uh, yeah, I really did
those for Chuck, you know?
The only foot ball I care
about is the huge bunion
that started pulsating
on my foot yesterday.
[LAUGHTER]
You had that looked at?
Oh, yeah.
But not by a doctor.
No, uh, see, uh, I can't
afford foot insurance
on my budget, you know?
[CHUCKLES]
So you're also in debt?
Oh, yeah. [SCOFFS] A lot.
[LAUGHS]
Yeah, but... but... But
I have been investing
in essential oils, uh...
Let me ask you something...
You boys ever think
about being your own boss?
Okay, that's it. Alright, son, look,
I appreciate you trying to help me
sow my wild oats, but no.
I do not want to sleep with Diane.
Oh, excuse me?
Who said you were gonna sleep with me?
Geez, Diane, you couldn't give
me anything to work with there?
W-What were we working on?
[LAUGHTER]
I'll stick with what I have, thank you.
And thank you, Diane.
I guess I see now it actually
could be worse than Lorraine.
[LAUGHTER]
You know, I think that worked
out pretty well in the end.
Indeed. What do you say we, uh,
blow this lame shindig and hit the bar?
Great idea!
We can celebrate Patty's
birthday without her.
Wait. What about Lorraine?
Oh, she'll find us.
[LAUGHTER]
Okay.
Yeah, bye.
How do you know Patty?
CINDY: Oh, s-something
like two and a half years
I've been coming to Patty.
Not so much recently.
I-I stopped carrying
the hair dye she likes.
[LAUGHS]
Okay, can I borrow you for just a sec?
Cindy, uh, it... it was so
nice of you to have come.
Uh, but you might want
to get out of here,
because Tammy's friends...
Yeah, I remember who she is.
Y-You're dating cops now?
She's also a woman.
Can you be shitty about that instead?
You really think it's
a good idea with what you do?
I don't do it anymore.
Yeah, that's kind of selfish.
Selfish?
Cindy, it was illegal.
Yeah, so... so's crossing
the street on a Sunday.
These are your people.
W-What, were you just gonna
leave them out in the cold
because, what, you're
so high and mighty now?
- I'm not.
- That's right.
You're not.
But you're trying to be.
When you're ready to kick this phase
and help us out again, give me a call.
See ya later.
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]
Oh, oh. [CHUCKLES] Just...
right there.
Not sure this required two people.
- Well, I wanted to include you.
- No, I know.
That's my way of saying thank you.
Well... can't wait to tell Patty
that we got out of this
actually liking each other.
I don't like you.
That is... That's very rude.
No, it's not. It's true.
And you don't like me. It's fine.
People don't have to like each other.
No, I li... I like you.
[CHUCKLING] No, you don't.
You don't like that
I'm around all the time,
and I don't like that you are.
It's fine, really.
But here's the thing.
I should be around all the time.
Me and Patty are together,
and that's the point.
And I don't know exactly
what it is you want from her,
but maybe you should
just back off a little.
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday, dear Patty ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
Okay.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[DOOR OPENS]
[PARTY MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY IN HOUSE]
[CLEARS THROAT]
Is this okay or should I
go somewhere else to smoke?
No, it's fine.
[SIGHS]
Oh, don't do that.
I, um... I got you a carton of menthols.
- Huh?
- [SIGHS] It was your birthday gift,
but it's more for me because this...
This just bums me out.
Oh, thanks.
Thank you.
At least I did one thing right.
[SIGHS] Everyone told me
you'd hate a surprise party,
but I thought that...
Whatever. I'm sorry about all this.
[SIGHS]
It was bad. [CHUCKLES]
- Top to bottom.
- I know.
Oh.
But nobody's ever thrown
me a surprise party before.
Nobody's ever thrown me a party before.
Of course, you did it,
so it was a disaster.
But normally, I would've...
really liked it.
It was nice.
Thank you.
So that's two nice
things I've done for you?
Okay. [LAUGHS]
Now we're tallying 'em?
[LAUGHS]
Well, I am determined that you are gonna
look back on your insane neighbor
Allison McRoberts and miss her.
[EXHALES]
Hey.
Jesus.
[SIGHS] g*dd*mn. I'm not a goblin.
I'm just sitting here and over .
Yeah, but you're, like...
Like, in the shadows.
That's how you're
supposed to drink alone.
Well, here.
Ah.
You're not drinking alone.
What's your excuse?
Didn't feel like staying
at the bar with the guys.
Is that enough?
[SCOFFS]
Not when I've just been
insulted and rejected
by a man who I always
thought of as my creepy uncle.
Him and Kevin were joking.
To who?
That, on top of all
the Chuck mishegas means...
I can drink this until peach-like flavor
is coming out of my pores.
[PARTY MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY IN HOUSE]
Ah.
But you moved out.
That's something.
Mm-hmm.
I went back home again this afternoon.
I tried.
But it was... too hard.
Yeah.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
[EXHALES SOFTLY]
Sam. What are you...
Your plan was terrible,
and I can't do it.
Okay?
This is someone I know at City Hall
who helped me get my liquor license.
It wasn't exactly above board,
but I'm sure if you're willing to pay,
they'll get you whatever you need.
This is it, okay? After this, I'm done.
Whatever you're into,
I'm not interested.
No, Sam, you don't understand.
I-I need...
You need to what?
Well...
Allison, you're stealing
a death certificate.
That's some serious scam-artist sh*t.
I know you need money, but...
never thought you'd
do something like this.
Sam, no, I-I'm not...
I'm not stealing anything
except for a piece of paper.
I'm not trying to scam anyone.
I'm in trouble.
I'm leaving.
I-I have to, or I'll...
When I leave,
Kevin can't be able to find me.
I need to be gone for good.
So, um...
I'm faking my own death.
[CHUCKLES]
[CELLPHONE BUZZES]
Hey.
It's the security footage
from Vermont, right?
- - ?
No, no, no, send it over.
I've been waiting for it.
Yeah.
Thanks.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]
You're not gonna tell anyone, are you?
I'm not gonna tell anyone.
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
♪♪
I realized that this empty diner
is the perfect spot to spend a blackout.
You're leaving me?
[MOCKS CRYING]
Sam got me the number of
the shady guy at City Hall.
I'm getting the death certificate.
Okay.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- Police!
Shouldn't we stop and talk about this?
Where has that ever gotten us?
Oh.