03x02 - Brain over Brawn

[bunniefuu]

Ooh.

Ahh.

Mmm. St. Thomas.

Look at those beaches.

- Look at those sunsets.
- Look at those men.

Look at that buffet.

Carl, are you sure
we can afford this trip?

No...

but sometimes, Harriette,
you just have to go for it.

And as long as there are
no unexpected expenses...

we are on our way.

Well, it's gonna cost
a fortune to fix a roof.

- We'll have to cancel our vacation.
- No, no. Not cancel.

Postpone. I'll fix
the roof myself.

And I'll buy a sparkly gown
and open for Diana Ross.

What are you trying to say?

I'm saying it's a nice idea that
you wanna fix the roof yourself...

but you just can't do it.

Ahem. And why
not, if you please?

Remember when you put in
that bathroom for your mother?

Yes. What about it?

Well, you ran the
gas line into the toilet.

The first time she flushed, it
blew her into the basement.

Well, there you
go again, Harriette.

You know, whenever
I try to fix something...

do I ever hear, "Go for it,
Carl. You can do it, Carl."

"I'm behind you, Carl."

No, you give me,
"You'll be sorry, Carl."

"Hire a professional, Carl."

"You blew your mother
into the basement, Carl."

Well, I'm going to
fix the roof, Harriette.

And I'm gonna fix it so well...

that all of our neighbors are
gonna come, just to look at it.

And they'll "ooh" and
"ahh" and applaud my work.

And you know what you
will say to me then, Harriette?

Do you know what
you'll say, Harriette?

Sure. "Wake up,
you're dreaming, Carl."

Oh, that's so amusing, Harriette!
That's hysterical, Harriette!

The only thing
funnier is your cooking!

Laura, tell me again. What
were Alex's exact words?

- Max, I've told you five times.
- Well, tell me again.

You gotta remember,
I have no life.

Alex goes:

"Laura, do you
wanna study together?"

Alex Phillips is so cute.

And what a great bod.

Steve, how long
have you been there?

Long enough for your high pitched
squeals of lust to shatter my heart.

Laura, to even hear you
speak of another man...

is like an arrow piercing me.

"Alex is so cute."

"What a great bod."

You wanna finish me off?
Just say you'd like to kiss him.

Wow, that'd be great.

So what are you gonna
wear when you see Alex?

The green blouse with
the short black skirt.

That's cute with it.

Wow. It's really high up here.

I didn't realize I had
such a tall house.

You need a tall house
because you've got a tall son.

- Son?
- Yes, Dad?

You do that again and
I'm taking you with me.

- Right, Dad.
- Okay, okay.

All right.

Your mother doesn't
believe that I can fix a roof.

Well, you and I are
gonna prove her wrong.

Why do I always
have to be involved?

I mean, why can't you
just prove mom wrong?

Because I want you and I to
spend some quality time together.

Is it that or because
you're not paying me?

Well, that's what
makes the time quality.

Ahh.

Hey, pretty smart how you
got that toolbox up here, Dad.

Well, I learned to tie this rope to the box
by watching this program This Old House.

We'll use that stuff tomorrow.

Right now it's time to
play "Look for the Leak."

Because if we can't
find it, we can't fix it.

Most leaks in your roof
are caused by soft spots...

so you have to probe very
cautiously, very carefully.

See, because
otherwise, a small hole...

How's it going up there?

Pretty good. We found the leak.

- Thanks for helping me find the gym.
- Don't feel bad. It's Monday.

You had two whole days
to forget where it was.

Phillips? A moment of
your time if you please.

What do you want, Jerkel?

I will not be drawn into a battle
of wits. After all, you're unarmed.

I merely wish to issue a friendly
warning. Stay away from my Laura.

Hi, Alex. Look who's here.
- Hi, Max.

Hey, Laura baby.

Hey, Laura baby.

All right, class, listen up, today we've
got your favorite and mine, the rope climb.

Oh, no.

Of all days, when
Laura's watching.

So?

So I hate the rope climb. No
matter how hard I try, I just can't do it.

I have the same problem
with Mr. Potato Head.

All right, Phillips,
you get to go first.

I'll only go half speed.

I mean, we don't
want Laura to faint.

Go!

Five point six
seconds. Nice work.

- What are you doing?
- Hoping he won't call on me. He won't.

Coach Redding is a kind man.
He's sensitive and he's caring.

Urkel!

What a n*zi!

Ready?

Get set.

Go!

- Come on, Urkel. He said "go."
- Almost there.

It's all right, Urkel.
At least you tried.

You can stop now. Come on.

No! No!

Hands off, hands off.

Good, feet on ground,
turn around, eyes front.

Relax, son. It's over.

All right, ladies, to
the track. Five laps.

Come on, come
on, move it, move it.

Thanks, Urkel. I mean, I'm
good but you make me look great.

Oh, can it, Phillips.

You may have been a better
man today but you hear me.

In a fortnight, not only will I
make it up to the top of that rope...

but I'll do it faster than you.

Why don't you put your
money where your mouth is?

Don't do it, Urkel.
Money has germs on it.

Forget money. I
prefer higher stakes.

- Like what?
- The loser stays away from Laura, forever.

You're on.

Emergency!

- Steve?
- Laura. Help!

Thanks, I didn't wanna
strain these puppies.

- Steve, you look terrible.
- Oh, I'm fine.

I'm fine.

- Steve.
- Oh, Laura...

I hurt so bad.

I hurt in places that I
need three mirrors to see.

Would you give me a backrub?

Okay, but only
until I get nauseous.

Thanks.

I'm gonna stop if you
keep making those noises.

Okay, I'll make them silently.

- I don't wanna see it, either.
- Sorry.

You know what, Laura?

I realize that the reason you
don't love me is because I'm weak.

Steve, that's not true.

- It isn't?
- No.

There's lots of reasons
why I don't love you.

Really? Well, name a couple.

Well, you're stubborn, irritating,
loud, obnoxious, pushy, clumsy...

I said a couple.

Well, is there anything
you do like about me?

Well, you're
intelligent. I like that.

- In fact, I think brains are very sexy.
- Sexy?

- In a platonic sort of way.
- No.

You know...

you're not acting like the Steve
Urkel I've come to know and tolerate.

That Steve Urkel would get out of this
jam by using the biggest muscle he has.

His brain.

So I broke out in
this weird purple rash.

And for two weeks
everything tasted like mustard.

That's why polyester
chafes my thighs.

Great story, Dad.

Oh, my gosh.

- What's wrong?
- We're done.

We're actually done.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Hey!

- You did it, Dad!
- Ah, ah, ah!

Oh, oh, oh.

You fixed the roof!

Yeah, I did, didn't I?

When this old world
Starts getting me down

And people are just
too much For me to face

Upon the roof

I climb way up to
the top of the stairs

And all my cares Just
drift right into space

On the roof's the
only place I know

Where you just have
to wish to make it

- Hey, Dad! Hey, Dad, you okay?
- Oh, I'm fine.

Luckily, the driveway
broke my fall.

Hey, Laura. Looks
like Urkel chickened out.

Too bad, I was looking
forward to humiliating him.

No wonder he's so handsome.

God put all his good
qualities on the outside.

Well, I can't wait
around here all day.

Wait! Wait! Everybody, wait!

Dang, I thought I could
remember without the paper.

"Steve is still suiting
up. Phillips, you go first."

All right, Phillips.

Come on, let's hustle.

Go!

Four point nine seconds.
You broke your record.

For you, baby. Tsk.

- Put your shirt on.
- Couldn't we have taken a vote?

I'm a lock. Urkel will
never b*at my time.

Guess again.

Hey, what's that?

Look, listen, and learn.

Coach...

if you please.

Ready.

Set.

Go!

Three point two seconds.
That's a new record.

Pardon my exhaust.

Steve, you did it! You won!

Feast your eyes one last
time and then hit the road, Jack.

Carl!

- What happened?
- He fixed the roof.

Ah. Enough said.

The bottom line
is, I fixed the roof.

Yes, Carl, you fixed the roof. And
all it cost you was an arm and a leg.

- Dad. What happened?
- Your father fixed the roof.

Ah. Enough said.

You know, you never would have fallen
if you'd been wearing one of these babies.

What is that?

The one and only XJ-3,
Jet Propelled Urkel Pack.

- Well, does it really work?
- Why abso-tootle-lutely.

- All you do is press this little button...
- No, no, no, don't! Don't! Don't!

- Relax, big guy, it's got a safety.
- Good.

Unfortunately, it wasn't on.