03x07 - Robo-Nerd

[bunniefuu]

Laura...

the most beautiful
sister in the world.

Forget it, Eddie. The Laura
Savings and Loan is closed.

Laura, that's cold.

I gave you a compliment,
and what do I get back?

An insult.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean
to hurt your feelings.

That's better. So can
I borrow 50 bucks?

- What happened? Another speeding ticket?
- No.

They got me on some
obscure technicality.

Did you know they expect you to
stop at a stop sign every single time?

Sorry, I can't help you, Eddie.
I'm saving up for a new computer.

That's just like you,
to think only of yourself.

Good news, I'm here.

Oh!

Steve, I realize people ask
you this every day of your life...

but... why do
you look like that?

I've been working in
my basement non-stop...

and I decided it was
time for a fish stick break.

Mmm!

Now, that's flounder.

Want a bite?

Steve, you're
supposed to cook those.

And lose that
wonderful ocean taste?

So, you still trying to perfect those
radio controlled garbage cans?

Nah, not since I had to
pick Mom up at the dump.

I'm working on something
much more important now:

A robot.

I've entered the National
Robotics Contest.

I'm on the verge of
creating artificial intelligence.

It's a discovery that
will change the world.

Steve, bud, pal, amigo,
compadre, homeboy...

- Does this contest have cash prizes?
- Nope, first prize is a computer.

Oh.

Computer?

Did you say "computer"?

Oh, yeah. Top of the
line, state of the art.

If you win that computer, could
I maybe borrow it sometime?

Oh, pshaw.

I already have a computer.
I got a used one from NASA.

My uncle, Colonel Werner
Von Urkel gave it to me.

Look, if I win the computer, you
can just have the silly old thing.

Oh, Steve, thank you!

I... I better get
back to the lab.

I'm together now.
I'll be leaving.

Okay, let's see.

Six words.

"If blank could
blank blank now."

Oh, I give up. It's too hard.

"If they could see me now."

Yep. Shirley MacLaine
in Sweet Charity.

Very good.

Now b*at it.

They watch too much TV.

- Ooh, Mother Winslow, is that a new dress?
- Yep.

- Oh! It is gorgeous.
- Oh, glad you like it.

It was so expensive, I had
to write you out of my will.

Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup...

- Where you going?
- I'm going dancing with Fletcher Thomas.

Again? Mama, that's
twice in one week.

So?

Mother, I just plain don't
like that Fletcher guy.

I see the way he looks
at you when you walk by.

Really? Ooh!

That walk you showed
me is paying off.

Go ahead, honey. Strut
your stuff. Flick those hips.

Step and sway, step and sway.

Gotta take his breath away.

Oh, great. Terrific.

My wife and my sister-in-law are
giving my mother floozie lessons.

Carl...

I'm 80 years old
and Fletcher is 83.

We're spending a lot of time together
because we don't have a lot of time left.

And that's it, Mom?

Oh, no.

We also get two-for-one
discounts for the Hot Tub Club.

Mother.

Oh, well, the
paper's not here yet.

Mother, it is 6:15
in the morning.

- Where were you?
- I was with Fletcher.

What? Was he there?

Was he ever.

Mama!

Oh, lighten up.

Okay, Mother, that is it.

I don't want you to see
that Fletcher ever again.

- What?
- You heard me. He is off-limits.

Carl, I'm your mother.

- But Mama...
- You show me respect.

- But Mama, you...
- I know you're stubborn as a mule...

but you don't have
to act like a jackass.

Waldo, my traffic ticket has to be paid
by tomorrow or I could lose my license.

Do you think maybe you could
borrow the money from your sister?

Sorry. My whole family is saving up to
send my brother Renaldo to the Olympics.

Oh. What's his event?

You mean you have to
pick one ahead of time?

That's usually the way it works.

Oh. He was just gonna go to
Barcelona and get in the shortest line.

- Have you guys seen Laura?
- Nope.

Sure you have. Pretty girl, dark
hair. Your sister, for God's sakes.

I meant I haven't
seen her today.

Oh. Cool.

Well, come on, I gotta
show you guys something.

Gentlemen...

allow me to present an
unparalleled electronic achievement.

The one, the only...

Urkelbot!

Wow! You invented Robo Nerd.

Does he move?

Does he move?

Watch.

Hello.

What a lovely house.

Did I do that?

Steve, this is incredible.
How are you controlling it?

Ah! Now, that's the beauty
part. You see, I'm not.

Urkelbot has
artificial intelligence.

And that means he can
walk and think all by himself.

I was created by the handsome,
intelligent, sexy Steven Q. Urkel.

He worships me. And he's
learning at an incredible rate.

By my calculations, his intelligence
doubles every 20 minutes.

Every 18 minutes and
35 seconds, to be exact.

Showoff.

Hey, guys, I...

Whoa, mama.

Laura, my luscious
lily, this is Urkelbot.

Steve, you did it,
you built a robot.

- Oh, yes.
- Yes, yes.

He talks and everything.
You're a cinch to win first prize.

And you'll get your
computer, baby cakes.

Urkelbot's kind of cute.

And you, my dear, are a
sight for sore optical scanners.

Have you and Steven Q. Urkel
formed a human emotional attachment?

- What?
- Are you hot for each other's bods?

No. STEVE: Yes.

I think I'm in love.

How about a kiss?

Steve, that hunk of metal
just made a pass at me!

I'm sorry, Laura. I'll
reprogram him immediately.

Good, because this is too weird.

Wow, a robot that
chases after girls.

Yeah, we're being
replaced by machines, man.

Urkelbot, I'm afraid I'm
going to have to turn you off.

I don't think so.

Whew!

- Boy, that was close one.
- Yeah.

Gotcha.

But... But I flipped
your off switch.

Yeah? Well, I
bypassed that circuit.

Off is for losers. I'm
an on kind of guy.

Oh, Laura?

Wait. Wait. Laura is my girl.

Ha! I will not rest
until she is mine.

Now you listen to me, bub.

I am your creator and I
am the boss around here.

Not anymore.

This is w*r, nerd boy.

Did you hear that?

Now, listen, Mother. I'm afraid
I have to lay down the law.

No more Fletcher Thomas.
No more discussion. Ah, ah, ah!

Don't argue with me.

I have spoken.

Spoken.

Mother.

What is it, Carl?

Would you please come and take a
seat? I have something to say to you.

Yes?

I'm sorry, Mommy.

Aw, there, there, baby doll.

I hate it when you're mad at me.

Ma, I don't know why I'm so crazed
about you and Fletcher Thomas.

You don't?

Well, it's just when
he looks at you...

it's obvious that he really
likes you and respects you.

How can you trust
a man like that?

Carl, let me ask you something.

- Did you trust your father?
- Absolutely.

Heh, everybody did.

My father was the finest man
who ever walked this earth.

Yes, he was. And
that's why I chose him.

And, I might add, I had
plenty to choose from.

I was a knockout, honey.

- Well, Ma.
- Hm?

You still are a knockout.

Son, if I had the good
taste to choose your father...

shouldn't you trust
my judgment now, hm?

- Yes, Mom.
- Well, then come here and hug me.

- I love you, little devil.
- I'm sorry.

Who is it?

It's me, Laura.

Steve? Steve? Where's Steve?

Are you referring to that
scrawny human with the big feet?

- Yeah, that's him. Where is he?
- Who in Sam Hill cares?

I do. He called and
asked me to come over.

He said it was a
matter of life and death.

Oh, that wasn't
Steve. That was me.

I can do anyone.

Steve, go home.

Steve, go home.

Steve, go home.

Steve, go home.

Well, since my baby left me

I've found a new place to dwell

It's down at the end of Lonely
Street The Heartbreak Hotel

Okay, hold it.

- I want to know where Steve is right now.
- Oh, forget Steve.

He was inferior. I am superior.

You will marry me and we
will function happily ever after.

Come on, baby. Let's energize.

- Help! STEVE: Laura?
Laura, is that you?

- Is that Steve? Where are you?
- In the closet.

No, I'm not. I'm...

I'm in New York
on a business trip.

Steve, are you okay?

No. This closet doesn't
have a bathroom.

Open this door right now.

Forget it, sugarknees. I'm
much better looking than that drip.

And I'm 4000 times smarter.

Steve, how do you turn him off?

You can't. He's out of control.

Steve, help me, he's after
me, I don't know what to do!

Stand back! I'm gonna
break the door down.

Ow!

Face it. You're mine.

Let go of me.

Did I do that?

That does it. No
more Mr. Nicebot.

- Watch out, that thing is crazy.
- Stay back.

Go to your room.
I'm your father.

Don't you sass me.

Steve, watch out!

Uh, oh! CO2, toodle-oo.

Warning, system shut down.

Steve, go... Steve,
home, go... Steve, go, go...

I feel so lonely I could die

Steve, you saved me.

Thank you.

- Thank you ever so much.
- Hey, no sweat, my pet.

Steve, I want you to turn
this thing into a go-kart.

But, but... But Laura, all he
needs is a little reprogramming.

I'll make a few minor adjustments
to his personality circuits.

But he was a monster.

Well, I will grant you,
subtlety wasn't his strong point.

But Laura, Urkelbot was
a machine with feelings.

He fell hopelessly in love
with you. So let's be honest.

The only thing he was really
guilty of was having good taste.

That's sweet, Steve.

Well, I'm a sweet
kind of guy, Laura.

And it's my fondest dream that
someday you'll realize that and marry me.

Oh, yeah.

We'll build a clapboard house on
the banks of the Susquehanna River.

And we'll have 3.2 children and
1.7 cars and a kitty and a dog.

You'll make me lunch every
day, and I'll barbecue every night.

On cold nights we'll put
on our bunny slippers...

and listen to accordion albums.

Oh, gosh, I gotta
write this stuff down.