03x15 - Jailhouse Blues

[bunniefuu]

Eddie, snap to it.
I want this place

spotless by the time
your father gets back...

- from the airport with your cousin.
- Mom.

Clarence is a teenager like me.
We're comfortable with clutter.

I know, I've seen your room.

You know, it's been too long
since Clarence has visited us.

- He's the best.
- He was one cute child.

Like me?

She said cute,
not goofy-looking.

Ah, you're just jealous
because your cute days are over.

Well, Clarence is probably
a babe magnet like moi.

When it came to looks, God
smiled on the men in this family.

God wasn't smiling,
he just had gas.

Clarence was a little angel.
I wonder what he's like now.

Hi, everybody. ALL: Hi, Dad.

Hi, honey.

Yo, check out The
Partridge Family.

What's for dinner?
Milk and cookies?

Now, Clarence...

I'd like to meet your
cousins Judy and Richie.

- Hi.
- Hi, Clarence.

- And you know my mother, Estelle.
- Hello, Clarence.

And you remember
Laura, Rachel and Eddie.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Yo, by the way, nobody
calls me Clarence.

It's Easy C.

- Yo, Easy C. What's up?
- Yo-ski, bro-ski.

Uh, hey, Clarence...
Uh, I mean, Easy C...

how was your
flight-ski bright-ski?

Stupid.

- Excuse me?
- "Stupid" means "good."

Oh, yeah.

- So how's the weather back in Detroit?
- III.

What's the matter?
Not feeling well?

Harriette, "ill" means "lousy."

Well, you certainly have turned
out to be a handsome young man.

Word.

He says you're
telling the truth.

- Ah.
- You guys ought to get out more.

Yo, Easy. You're
gonna crash in my room.

A, B, C you.

X, Y, Z you.

Clarence sure has changed.

Yes, and not for the better. At the
airport, he picked up six suitcases.

- So?
- So only two were his.

Well, Clarence's mom
is having a tough time.

Helen says she thinks he's
fallen in with the wrong crowd.

She feels like some time
away will do him some good.

Clarence is young.
Let's try to be patient.

Yeah. Word-ski, bro-ski-in-law.

Don't ill. Take a chill pill.

I have no idea what
she's talking about.

- What's that noise?
- Sounds like bees, man.

Red alert!

My k*ller-bee
experiment has run amok.

You know, we might
wanna close that window.

Hey, Steve, this is
my cousin, Easy C.

I'm Steve Urkel.

- Yo-ski, bro-ski.
- Oh, howdy-doody.

Put her there.

Yo, you a serious little nerd.

No, I am a serious little
nerd. You see, I use verbs.

Verbs are our friends. They
help move along our sentences.

- Yo, E-man. Chicago got any women?
- Oh, yeah. I know all the babes.

They can't keep
their hands off me.

That's true. Eddo's been
slapped more times than a piñata.

You got any wheels?

Oh, I've got a boss three-speed
with a banana seat and a sissy bar.

Hey, it's no problem, Easy. I
can always borrow my dad's car.

That hooptie he drove
me back from the airport in?

Well, that's all we have.

All right. Get it for tomorrow
night. We'll cruise for hotties.

What? Hotties?

Hotties in a hooptie?

Five golden rings

Four calling birds
Three French hens

Two turtle doves And
a hottie in a hooptie

Yo, I gotta go
check out the 'hood.

- Hey, I'll go with you.
- Man, I don't need no chaperone.

Oh, sh**t. I'm down
to my last smoke.

Yo, E-man, you think
you could spot me a 20?

- Oh, man, I only have 10.
- That's cool, you can owe me the rest.

A, B, C you. Peace
in the Middle East.

Rain in Spain.

Is he cool, or what?

Oh sure, absolutely.

Not.

Oh, no. My bees are back.

Oh! Run, Mom, run!

Mother Winslow, thank you so
much for babysitting again tonight.

Oh, you're welcome.
Glad to do it. Heh.

You know, you have
the patience of a saint.

You sat there for hours
helping the kids put that together.

It has nothing to do with patience.
There was gum on the chair. I'm stuck.

So, what are you guys gonna
see at the dinner theater?

Bye Bye Birdie.

More like, Hello,
Rubber Chicken.

Pick out a pleasant outlook

Stick out that noble chin

Wipe off that full-of-doubt
look Slap on a happy grin

Spread sunshine
all over the place

Just put on a happy face

Now I've got a happy face.

I'm living in a cultural vacuum.

Yo, check it out.

Ooh, looking good, fellas.
What are you up to tonight?

We're gonna cruise
the 'hood, sh*t.

Check out the hotties, sh*t.
Drop the b*at, sh*t. You know.

Hey, well, we're going to the theater,
bang. Gonna get some chow, boom.

And then we're gonna
dig some vibes, kablooey.

Rachel, come over
here and sit in my chair.

Hey, Dad, can Clarence
and I borrow the car tonight?

No can do, son.

Your aunt and mother are
dragging me to the theater.

Besides, didn't I tell you last
night that you couldn't use the car?

Yeah, but we really need it.

We're going cruising
for chicks. Heh.

Oh, heh. Cruising for
chicks, huh? Ha, ha.

Yeah.

Forget it.

But, Dad, how else are we
supposed to pick up babes?

Do what your father used
to do. Take the bus and beg.

Hey, it works.

Yo, this is wack. Your pops
won't even let us use his Gremlin.

Yo, but who needs his hooptie anyway?
You have an old car, you get an old woman.

Well, a buddy of mine has a pickup
truck. Maybe he'll let us ride in the back.

Wow, maybe we can get
some cows and chickens too.

- Sorry.
- Word, I gotta do everything around here.

Yo, I'll get us a ride.
And yo, E-man...

if you're gonna hang with me,
you better get with the program.

Yello, Eddo.

Hi, Steve.

Hey, where's your rude
and unpleasant cousin?

He took off on his own.

Oh, good. Hey, let's you
and me go to the observatory.

It's B.Y.O.B. night: Bring
Your Own Binoculars.

Yo, E-man. Ready to roll?

You got a car?

Did I get a car?
Yo, check it out.

Hey, what's he talking about?
Where's he going? Huh? Huh? Huh?

- Yowzer!
- Whoa.

Ta-da.

Man, that baby is gorgeous.

Yeah, and it's fully loaded.

- Surprise!
- Surprise!

And he brought hooters.

- That's hotties, Steve.
- Oh.

- Man, this is unreal.
- Yo, this ride is hype.

We'll be cruising in style.

- Hey, man, where'd you get the girls?
- At a bus stop.

We're taking them
home, eventually.

Hi, I'm E-man.

- I'm Oneisha.
- Mm.

- And I'm Halawna.
- Mm.

And I'm appalled.

Yo, chill out.
They're sensitive.

Okay, Mr. Easy...

where did you get this car come
from? And don't you tell me Detroit.

I used the world-famous
Easy C valet-parking scam.

Put on a red jacket and a tie, stand
in front of a fancy restaurant, and bam!

You got yourself a serious ride.

And bam! You've got yourself
10 years in the slammer.

You stole this car?

Not stole, borrowed.

Look, the dude goes in to
eat, we joyride for two hours.

When the dude comes out...

we have it parked at the curb.

To top it off, he
gives us a $2 tip.

- I don't know, man.
- Don't do it, Eddo.

Listen to that little voice
echoing inside of you.

It's wrong-ong-ong.
It's wrong-ong-ong.

Yo, home-nerd. Chill.

Look at those girls, Steve.

They're real pretty.
And I'm so lonely.

What's it gonna be, E-man?

- I'm getting in that car, Steve.
- Oh, no, Eddo, Eddo.

What in Sam Hill are you doing?

You're coming with us.
That way you can't squeal.

I'm not going anywhere with you.

I mean it, you ruffian. Unhand
me or suffer the consequences.

Let the record show that I
am being forcibly abducted.

And you hotties are witnesses.

Why...? Oh. Unh!

As sure as the sun rises in
the east and sets in the west...

this is a ride to damnation.

Steve, will you relax?

Clarence has
everything under control.

Besides, it's just a little
joyride. What could go wrong?

Carl, don't get
yourself all worked up.

We haven't heard
Eddie's side of the story.

She's got a point, Dad.

Eddie's side? Harriette, he
stole a car, he has no side.

He's got a point, Mom.

All right, inside, you two.

Come on. Keep it moving,
Mr. Backwards-Hat.

Winslow.

Ma'am.

Little ma'am.

Hello, lieutenant. Thank
you for bringing them home.

Sure, sure. I dropped
the, uh, nerd off next door...

at the, uh, nerd house.

His parents were very upset.

Why, because he was in jail?

No, because I brought him back.
- Ah.

Listen, I had a little chat with
the owner of the stolen vehicle.

- He's willing to drop the charges.
- Oh.

Thank goodness.
Thank you, lieutenant.

- I owe you one.
- Yeah.

And it's a really big one too.

Goodnight, sergeant.
Ma'am. Little ma'am.

Punk.

All right, Easy C.

- Let me...
- Now, Carl. Carl.

I'll talk to Clarence,
you talk to Eddie.

If you're gonna k*ll somebody,
it should be a close relative.

You, kitchen.

- Bed.
- That's right.

So, what do you have
to say for yourself?

I'm surprised. After all you've done,
you ought to have a whole lot to say.

You know what really
bothers me, Clarence?

You took Eddie
and Steve with you.

Now, if you want to mess up
your life, then that's your problem.

But when you mess with me
and mine, you're in big trouble.

Swagger in here
with your cigarettes...

and your arrogant attitude
and you think you're so cool.

Well, let me tell
you something...

you're not cool, Clarence.

Cool is respecting yourself and
the people that care about you.

Cool is knowing the difference
between right and wrong.

And when you make a mistake,
having the courage to admit to it.

That's what cool is, Clarence.

Clarence, are you
sorry about any of this?

Yeah. I'm sorry I got caught.

Okay...

I've given you
every opportunity.

Get upstairs and pack your
bags. You're going home.

What? You're bluffing.

No, I'm not. Get upstairs
and get your stuff, Clarence!

I'll call your mother and
tell her you're on the way.

Fine. I don't need you.

Cousin.

Edward, I can't...

Of all the stupid...

- I just can't...
- Go ahead, Dad.

- I deserve it.
- Yes, you do.

- Now, first of all...
- I can't believe what I did.

It was like, who is that person?

I actually let Clarence convince
me we were only borrowing that car.

- Well, it was wasn't borrowing...
- It was stealing.

Uh-huh. Mm-hm.

Dad, I thought
Clarence was so cool.

- Yeah, well...
- But he's not cool.

Nobody looks cool in handcuffs.

You're right. Now, Edward...

- if you just let me...
- I am so disappointed in myself.

I let myself down,
and worst of all...

I let you down.

Well, that's right.

Thanks for the lecture, Dad.

I really learned my lesson.

Well, I'm sorry I had
to be so rough on you.

Hey, I deserved it.

Hold it.

We're not through yet.

- There's more?
- Oh, much more.

- Uh-oh. You gotta ground me?
- Hmm, no, no. You'll be going out a lot.

- I will?
- Oh, that's right, Mr. Loves-to-Drive.

You're going to be
volunteering your services...

every Saturday for the next entire
year for the Meals On Wheels program.

Every Saturday?

Rain or shine. Starting bright
and early 6 a.m. tomorrow morning.

- But that's only five hours from now.
- Well, you better get some rest then.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi.

- How'd it go with Clarence?
- It didn't.

Carl, it was like talking to a brick wall.
We're gonna have to send him home.

How could Eddie do
something like that?

Well, honey, he was up against
some powerful temptation.

Fancy cars and pretty girls...

and he wanted to look cool.

Those things are hard to resist.

You're right.

I think he knows what
he did was wrong...

and he's genuinely
sorry that he did it.

And that's something
to be grateful for.

I guess we did
a few things right.

Sweetheart, Edward is a good
kid. We did a lot of things right.

Oh, Laura, my little
law-abiding buttercup.

What do you want, Steve?

Oh, I'm so ashamed.

I've been in jail.
I'm an ex-con.

- Get a grip, Steve.
- I can't.

Do you know how long it's
been since I've seen a woman?

About an hour?

Oh, kiss me, Laura.
Remind me I'm a man.

I've got a better idea.

Why don't I remind
you where the door is?

Ah, it's so good to be back.

Let me tell you, Laura.

I have been scared straight.

I met a man in jail who
had a tattoo of a battleship.

- So?
- It was on his tongue.

Ow!