03x16 - Brown Bombshell

[bunniefuu]

Laura, my beautiful bonbon.

Steve, I'm busy. I don't have
time for you to pester me.

Oh, no sweat, my pet.
I'm here to pester your pop.

Now, where is the big lug?

I don't know, I haven't
seen him all day.

I was hoping I could say
the same thing about you.

Oh, you cr*ck me up. Now,
listen, I could use some advice.

Whoa.

Never sit in a chair backwards.

No, no, no. I...

I've done something that
might upset your dad. Just a tad.

You didn't borrow another
pair of his boxer shorts, did you?

No, my parents finally
popped for a real movie screen.

What I need from you is advice on
how to break bad news to your father.

Just come right out with it.

It only annoys him if
you b*at around the bush.

Got you. No bush-b*ating.

Unless he's in a bad mood. Then
steer clear. Make yourself scarce.

No, siree. Well, that's
the coward's way out.

I've made a mistake and I'm
gonna fess up to it like a man.

- Hi, Dad.
- Yeah.

What's the matter?

The dentist just
gave me a root canal.

What do you want?

Oh.

Oops, ciao.

You know, Harriette, every
time we go to a clearance sale...

we get yelled at, we stand in line for
hours, we get shoved, we get pushed.

And all to save three
dollars on a sweater.

- Fun, isn't it?
- Yeah.

I love it. Let's do
it again tomorrow.

Hello, Mother Winslow.
- Hi, sweetie.

How you doing?

Hey. What's all this?

Well, I sat down to add these
pictures to the family photo album.

And then I started
looking at the old ones.

That was three hours ago.

Ooh, look at this old
picture. Who is that?

Uh, that's either
Reverend Shaw...

or my bookie.

They both had shifty eyes.

Oh, look.

Little Carl takes
his first steps.

- Yep. Straight to the refrigerator.
- Stop it.

You know, some of these
photos go back a long, long way.

Yeah, I know.

You know, I realized today...

that a lot of our family
history will be lost when I die.

Oh, come on now, that
won't be for a long, long time.

Well, I hope you're right.

But still I'd like to sit the kids
down and tell them about our family.

- Oh, I think that's a terrific idea.
- Me too.

I think our children should
know where they come from.

Aw.

Ooh!

Hey, look! He is fine.

I know. That's
why I married him.

Go, Richie!

- Get it, baby girl.
- Go, Judy! Go, Judy!

Funk it up! That's it. Get it,
girl. Go ahead. Go ahead.

Yo, yo, yo.

That's not bad for a beginner.
But check out the Dance Master.

Step aside, old timer. Watch
the magic happen, okay?

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Action in the house! Oh!

Get it, girl.

It's my turn. Give me some room.

Oh, man. Somebody
get him a crowbar.

- Go, Richie!
- Get it, Richie!

Get it, Richie, get it,
Richie, get it, get it, go!

You made it.

Hey, kids, kids, do
you have a moment?

I wanna talk to you about something.
- What's up?

Well, I want us to go
through this photo album...

and talk about
our family history.

Gotta go. RICHIE: See you.

Mm-hmm.

I might have to
rethink my strategy.

- Oh, Laura, my little ray of sunshine.
- What do you want, Steve?

Your hand in marriage
and 2.3 children.

But in the meantime,
I'd like to talk to Carl.

- Is he in a better mood?
- Oh, he's cheered way up.

Ooh, goody gumdrops.

But he's having dessert. It's risky to
talk to him when he's in a bad mood...

but it's suicidal to interrupt him while
he's having chocolate milk and s'mores.

- Oh, dear.
- Well, see you later.

Wait, Laura.

You actually took
the time to warn me.

- So?
- So you love me, don't you?

No.

- Hey, Mama.
- Hello, Edward.

- How was your study date?
- Um, terrible.

All she wanted to do was study.

- History?
- Yeah.

We're studying
World w*r Il. Boring.

Not for the people
who went through it.

Listen, Edward.

I'm a little
disappointed in you.

Uh-oh. What'd I do now?

Tonight your grandmother
was trying to talk to you...

about your family history,
and you ran out on her.

Mom, the other kids did too.

"Mom, the other kids did too."

Edward, you're the oldest.

You're supposed to be
trying to set a good example.

If you had listened to your grandmother,
the other kids would've followed your lead.

Mom, the other kids feel
exactly the same way I do.

If we wanna learn
something about the past...

we just watch The Wonder Years.

- Steve, you scared me.
- Well, look who's talking.

- Go home, Steve.
- No can do, Big Guy.

You and I need to talk.

Oh, all right. What is it?

Remember a few months ago when
you brought home the brochure...

- for the Prison Pen Pal Program?
- Sure, P.P.P.P.

Well, it seemed like
a darn fine idea...

so I picked out a name
and started writing letters.

Well, good for you.
What name did you pick?

Well, one name just
leaped right out at me.

Elmerita Puckerwood.

Whoa. That name would
leap out at anybody.

Well, at first our letters
were light and friendly.

But then...
- Oh, but then...
- Then?

Well...

Elmerita's prose became
flowery and rather intimate.

Ha, uh-oh. Ha, ha.

The big "uh-oh"...

I realized too late that Elmerita
had fallen in love with me.

A woman in prison
fell in love with you?

That's kind of funny.

Well, I guess it is.

I wrote back several times...

assuring her that the
feeling wasn't mutual...

but she just thought I
was playing hard to get.

- Really? That's hilarious.
- Now, here's the really funny part.

Elmerita begged me to
send her a picture of myself.

That's great.

But here's the funniest part of
all. You're gonna love this, Big Guy.

I sent her a picture of you.

That's the funny part, Big Guy.

You shouldn't have
done that, Steve.

Well, I know and
I'm really sorry.

Well, that's no biggie. After all,
the woman is in federal prison.

No harm done.

Well...

- Well, what?
- She might be getting out soon.

How soon?

Real soon.

Come here, you great
big hunk of Hershey...

and give your woman a kiss.

Uh...

- Do I know you?
- Oh, stop teasing, Steve.

I'm Elmerita Puckerwood.

Wait a minute. Back up, uh...

Oh, come here, dreamboat. I'm
gonna sail you right into the sunset.

But my name is not Steve.
My name is Carl Winslow.

That's fine. You can call
yourself whatever you want.

But when the lights go out...

your name is gonna
be "Oh, Baby."

Quite a piece of work,
isn't she, Big Guy?

Well, who are you?

Ma'am, there's a
fascinating story about that.

- Run along, sonny.
- Uh, no. He's gonna stay.

Steve, would you please
tell Ms. Puckerwood...

exactly what is going on here?

Well, you see, I
wrote those letters.

I am Steven Q. Urkel.

I don't believe that
for one red hot second.

Oh, no. It's true.

You see... You see...

He wrote the letter, but
he sent you my picture.

Then you're the
one I fell in love with.

I ain't seen a man
in seven years...

and you look close
to what I remember.

Elmerita.

I'm sorry, but nothing's
gonna happen between us.

- What?
- Time out. Time out.

Carl and I need to have a brief
corner caucus. We'll be right back.

What is it, Steve?

Carl, you need to be real
careful how you handle Elmerita.

- I know that.
- Uh-huh.

But what you don't know
is why she was in prison.

Uh, well, why?

She sh*t a man
who turned her down.

Thought you should know that.

- Elmerita?
- Yes?

You know, you are
a stunning woman.

Well, it's about
time you noticed.

Yes. You know, and I also noticed
that when the light hits your face...

from a certain angle, you
look exactly like Diana Ross.

What kind of
undiscovered angle is that?

Diana Ross, eh?

Well, touch me in the morning.

Whoo!

Gosh, there's
nothing I'd like better...

but unfortunately,
I'm a married man.

You are?

- Happily married?
- Yes. Very happy, very, very. Very happy.

Then why'd you turn on my
oven if you wasn't ready to cook?

Well, it's all been a
terrible, tragic mix-up.

- Right, Steve?
- A terrible, tragic mix-up.

Elmerita, I'd like to
help you get a fresh start.

Matter of fact, I know some
companies who may be hiring ex-cons.

- You mean, you can get me a job?
- Well, I can try.

Do you have a place to stay?

Well, no. But I was, uh, planning
on bunking up with you, baby.

Well, I know there's a
halfway house nearby here.

As a matter of fact, it's so
close we're halfway there.

Bye, Elmerita. Hey,
and don't forget to write.

You sure you don't
wanna fool around?

I'm real tempted, Elmerita...

but I just can't do it.

Okay, but it's your loss.

For your information...

I've got a full body tattoo
of the United States.

And I was gonna give
you a geography lesson...

you'd never forget.

Sucker.

Settle down, class.

Settle down.

The past few days we've
been studying World w*r Il.

Open your books to page 189.

Waldo, would you please
read the chapter heading?

Waldo.

Out loud.

Oh.

Cool.

- The Fighter Pilot.
- Thank you, Mr. Waldo.

Hey, I'm here from
2 to 3 every day.

Today we'll learn a little
about the role fighter pilots...

played in the second World w*r.

But you can put away your books
now, because we have a guest speaker.

First, a question.

How many of you have relatives
who fought in World w*r Il?

Does it matter which side?

Not really.

Good. Because my uncle
accidentally joined the Italian Army.

Eddie, how about you? Any
relatives who fought in the w*r?

Um, I really don't know.

In that case, I want you
to pay extra close attention.

Class...

please welcome Estelle Winslow.

Hey, Eddie. That fighter
pilot looks like your grandma.

Hello, everyone. CLASS: Hi.

Now, I'd like to talk to you
about the Tuskegee Airmen.

Does anyone here
know who they were?

Eddie?

Uh... Uh... No.

The Tuskegee Airmen were black
pilots who fought during World w*r Il.

That's right. In those days, the
armed services were segregated...

so they had to form their
own unit. Lights, please.

They became the 332nd Fighter
Group of the Army Air Corps.

And my husband, Sam
Winslow, was one of them.

Your grandfather
was a fighter pilot?

Well, uh, yeah.

Sure, baby.

There's a lot of him in me.

This is Sam's fighter,
a single engine P-47...

he called the Brown Bombshell.

Obviously, he named it after me.

- Boys, that's enough.
- That's okay.

Let the boys express themselves.

During the w*r, the pilots
of the 332nd Fighter Group...

flew more than 15,000 missions.

Two hundred of those were as heavy
bomber escorts deep into Germany.

Not one bomber was lost
to enemy fighter opposition.

They were the only
group to have that record.

Your grandmother's pretty cool.

Yeah. She sure is.

You should've seen her.
Grandma was incredible.

The bell rang and nobody left.

Hey, that's the sign of
a top-notch storyteller.

What can I say? I'm gifted.

But I want you to give
your mother credit too.

- It was her idea that I go to your class.
- Hear, hear.

Hey, Mom, why'd you waste
such a cool idea on Eddie?

I lost my head.