03x19 - Woman of the People

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Family Matters". Aired: September 22, 1989 - May 9, 1997.*
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A spin-off of Perfect Strangers, the series revolves around the Winslow family, a middle-class African-American family and their nerdy neighbor Steve Urkel.
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03x19 - Woman of the People

Post by bunniefuu »

Richie, you've got an
appointment with the dentist today...

but I can't find my car
keys. Have you seen them?

Gosh, no, Mom.

Oh, wait a minute. I was wrong.

Tomorrow was the dentist. Today
we're supposed to go to the zoo.

Maybe you left your keys in the
fireplace behind the Pres-to-Log.

You're right.

Oh, wait a minute.

I was right the first time. Today is
the dentist. Tomorrow is the zoo.

Oh, Mom. You tricked me bad.

I have an idea about this year's prom.
I think we should definitely have one.

Oh, great idea. I love it.

Okay, well, I guess
that's it for new business.

No it isn't. I'd like
to raise a few issues.

Steve Urkel, Muskrat Times.

Sorry I'm late, but I got my
tongue stuck in the printing press.

Go on. Don't let me interrupt
you. Go on. Continue the meeting.

As I was saying. We need
to elect a representative...

- to go to the next school board meeting.
- What for?

This school needs better
security lighting in the parking lot...

more heat in the girls' locker room,
and our handicap access up to code.

Oh, lighten up.

Steve Urkel, Muskrat
Times. Question please.

What is it?

Well, Ms. Winslow here has raised
some timely and powerful issues.

My avid readers
would like to know...

what you, the student
council president, intend to do.

Heh. Simple. I intend to ban
you from all further meetings.

Censorship. Expect
a scathing editorial.

Well, here's a fun announcement.

I've decided to run for another
term as student council president.

Would anyone like
to nominate me?

- Oh, oh! I nominate Cassie Lynn Nubbles.
- I second that excellent idea.

Now, is there anyone suicidal
enough to run against me?

No? heh.

- Well, okay. This meeting is...
- Excuse me.

Yes, beloved Principal Shimato?

Cassie, elections
are like kissing.

It's much more exciting
when two people are involved.

Oh, absolutely.

Steve Urkel, Muskrat Times.

We know.

I'd like to nominate somebody.

How about the
lovely Laura Winslow?

I second the nomination.

Uh... Wait a minute.
I'm not sure about this.

Laura, you're bright, you're articulate.
And you obviously care about your school.

Oh, ugh.

- I think you'd make a wonderful candidate.
- Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Laura, if you run against
me, you'll get creamed.

Oh, really? I accept
the nomination.

All right!

This meeting is adjourned.

Happy days are here again

The skies above are clear again

We'll sing a song of cheer again

Happy days are... Oof.

Don't worry. Laura
doesn't stand a chance.

What are you talking about?
She's smart and she's popular.

You're right. She'll
be tough to b*at.

Well, let's not
take any chances.

- Get some dirt on her.
- Laura?

- She's too goody-goody.
- Oh, come on.

You mean, she hasn't cheated on a test,
played hooky or teased the football team?

No. You're the only
one that does that stuff.

You know, my car
was broken into.

What? WOMAN: Oh, my goodness.

My kid's bike was stolen right
off the front lawn in broad daylight.

What? WOMAN 2: Oh, no.

That's awful.

Well, last night a strange man
pounded on my door all night long.

- What did you do?
- I finally let him out.

You should have
sent him over here.

- Mrs. Putney. Mother.
- Huh?

This is serious.

Ahem. Okay, folks...

as a veteran cop of 18 years...

I can certainly tell you that crime
is increasing all over this city.

Well, you're right about that.

But what can we do about it?
- Yes.

Maybe we can start a
neighborhood watch program.

- Good idea.
- Yeah, brilliant.

Well, that's exactly why I
called all you folks here tonight.

Oh.

You see, ahem, if we're going
to form a neighborhood watch...

we must have a
neighborhood watch leader.

- Well, yes.
- That's for sure.

And this leader, ha-ha-ha,
should have courage...

Yes. ESTELLE: Oh, yes.

Wisdom... WOMEN: Mm-hm.

And charisma.

- Right, charisma, honey.
- Yeah.

And a uniform.

Oh, yes. ESTELLE: Yes.

So I humbly suggest that
our leader is none other than...

- Harriette Winslow.
- That's right. Thank you very much.

Harriette Winslow?

Harriette is perfect. Oh,
she's had police training.

She works in security. And
she's the smartest person I know.

Yes! ESTELLE: That's right.

Yes.
- Bernie... you also know me.

What's your point?

Sit down, Bernie.

You know, Harriette
is the perfect choice.

She is.

Now what do you think?
- Accept it.

- Well, I'm a little overwhelmed.
- Come on, Harriette.

All right. Let's all go down to the
Wild Boar and toast our new leader.

Carl.

Carl, aren't you coming?

- How could you, Harriette?
- How could I what?

I wanted to be the watch leader.

I mean, it was my idea for the
neighborhood watch in the first place.

- Carl.
- I called the meeting...

of the neighbors for
neighborhood watch.

- I know, but...
- I stuffed the celery, Harriette.

You didn't stuff the
celery, I stuffed the celery.

Why don't you
stuff it now, Carl?

Oh, that's so funny.
That's a scream, Harriette.

I wanna know what you'll
do when you realize...

that you've taken on
a job you can't handle.

I can handle the job.

Oh? Oh? Oh?

"Oh," what, Carl?

Okay, Harriette. Suppose
you are att*cked by a big thug.

And he just keeps coming at you.

Whatcha gonna do,
Harriet? Whatcha gonna do?

- Ms. Neighborhood-Watch-Leader?
- Stop it.

- Whatcha gonna do?
- Stop it, Carl.

- Come on, Harriet, whatcha gonna...
- I'll do this, Carl!

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Hey, stop whistling at
my woman, you sleazoid.

Move it, move it.

So did you get any dirt
on that Winslow witch?

Sorry, but she's squeaky clean.

Oh, what a bore.

Laura, when you get elected
president, can I be your first man?

Steve... Whoa!

You know, I could hold
you like this forever.

You got one more second.

Ooh.

Aah-ha-ha.

Oh.

Oh.

Time is up.

Look, Becky Sue...

poor Laura worked so hard and now
she's gonna have to drop out of the race.

What are you talking about?

We just got some
very hot photos of you...

being romanced by the
prince of passion here.

What? But she just slipped
and I caught her, that's all.

Becky Sue, we should put
those pictures in the school paper.

Oh, we couldn't do that.

Everybody would think that
Laura is in love with Steve Urkel.

And no one would vote for her.

But I told you. I just
caught her. That's all.

That may be what happened. But
that won't be what people believe.

They just love juicy gossip.

- You wouldn't dare.
- Try me.

You've got 24 hours to drop out of
the race or we publish this picture.

Why, you...

Why, come back
here, you little hussy.

- Accuse my woman.
- Steve. Steve. Steve!

What?

- Will you calm down?
- Calm down?

That lowdown, cheap, underhanded,
mudslinging, bushwhacking...

slanderous snake in a
skirt is blackmailing you.

I know.

Why, to make everybody think that
the woman I love actually loves me back?

Why, how low can you get?

Well, I got a surprise for her.

- You do?
- Yup.

She's so certain that I'm
gonna drop out of the race.

Well, no way. Nobody
pushes me around.

I'd rather have the world
think I was in love with you...

than to cave in to
blackmail from her.

Besides, things need
to be done at this school.

And that won't happen as long
as Cassie Lynn Nubbles is in office.

Oh. Rock my world, baby.

Now, if you notice any suspicious
behavior, don't do anything.

Just call in on
your walkie-talkie...

- and I'll notify the police.
- Got it.

Okay, now we'll do a
communications check.

Come in, Squad One. Do
you read me, Squad One?

Hello, Home Base,
this is Slick Chick, over.

Hot Mama, here.

Come back to me.

Well, it looks
like we're all set.

All set. Give me a break.

What is it, Carl?

Oh, nothing. Far be it for me to butt
in. After all, I'm not the watch leader.

If you have anything
to say, Carl, just say it.

Okay, since you asked...

I personally would not send
two defenseless women...

out into the dead of night.

Especially when one of
those women is 80 years old.

Eighty-one.

And if anybody tries to mess with me
they'll be snacking on their own teeth.

Carl, I know better than to send two
women out alone. You're on duty with them.

What? I'm on duty?

Well, why didn't you tell me?

- I posted the schedule, Carl.
- Well, I didn't see it, Harriette.

Well, how did you miss it?

It was right in
your favorite spot.

And where is that?

The refrigerator.

Okay. Come on. Let's get this
so-called neighborhood watch on the road.

Wait, wait, wait a minute.

I have to notify
your team leader.

Come in, Captain Funky
Fresh. Time to move out.

Have no fear, Captain
Funky Fresh is here.

My team leader is a Funky Fresh?

Now, listen. I want you to watch out
for each other and be back here at 10:00.

- That's when the Gordons take over.
- I may work a double shift.

Wendy Gordon is one
neighbor I really want to watch.

This promises to be
a long, lousy night.

- Hey, Dad. Can we patrol on skateboards?
- Not tonight, Funky.

Vote for Nubbles, wave
bye-bye to troubles.

- Carol, will you vote for me?
- Sure.

Here, have a locker sachet.

I'm rich.

Vote for Nubbles, wave
bye-bye to troubles.

- All right, you ready, Eddo?
- Let's do it.

Okay.

A moment of your
time, please, Nubs.

- "Nubs"?
- You and I have some unfinished business.

Heh. Later, nerd child.
I've got to get to class.

Well, this will only take
a second of your time.

Do you still intend to
publish those pictures...

- if Laura doesn't drop out of the race?
- I most certainly do.

Well, is there any way
I can talk you out of it?

Well, let me think. No.

Are you aware that what you
are doing is morally repugnant?

Well, sure.

All's fair in love and politics.

Oh, I'm so glad you said that.

Ew! Yuck!

Ack.

Ugh. Ach!

Well, the earth didn't
exactly move for me either.

Are you out of your geeky mind?

Oh, I don't think so. Why, I
can see the headlines now.

Nubbles sucks face with nerd.

- You wouldn't.
- Would.

- You couldn't.
- Could.

But it's a lie. You kissed
me, I didn't kiss you.

Well, that may be what happened
but it won't be what the people believe.

People just love juicy gossip.

- I'm not dropping out of the race.
- I don't want you to.

All I want is a fair election.

If you don't publish your
pictures, I won't publish mine.

You want the students
to decide for themselves?

Well, it's an idea that's
just crazy enough to work.

It's a deal.

I'm going to gargle
with disinfectant.

I'll do the same.

- It worked.
- Way to go, Steve.

See? She's not
so smart after all.

I'll say. If she
was really smart...

she would have noticed I
forgot to take the lens cap off.

- Oh, hi, Ms. Putney. Come on in.
- Thank you, Judy.

- Is your mother home?
- No.

How about your dad?

Yeah, he's upstairs
clipping his toenails.

- Could you please tell him that I'm here?
- Sure.

Dad, Ms. Putney
wants to see you!

Thanks, dear.

Oh, Ms. Putney, come on in.

Can't stay long. I just wanted to drop
off this pie that I baked for Harriette.

Well, how thoughtful.

Well, it's the least that I could
do after what she did for me.

Right. Heh.

What did she do?

She caught some creep
breaking into my house.

- She did?
- Oh, yeah.

He looked suspicious. She called
the police. And they caught him.

Oh, that's great.

We sure picked a perfect
watch leader, didn't we?

- You must be so proud of Harriette.
- Yes. Ahem.

- Well, tell Harriette I'll call her later.
- Okay.

Your attention, please.

Attention!

I have the results of the election
for student council president.

Cassie Lynn Nubbles.

Three hundred and twenty votes.

Laura Winslow, 3 5 2.

Laura Winslow is
your new president.

Oh!

Pardon me, pardon me. Yeah,
sorry. I lost my mind. Lost my head.

- Mm-hm.
- Oh, yes.

I won, Steve, I really won!

See, nice guys can finish first.

Still don't understand why Cassie
Lynn changed her mind about the picture.

Well, I told you. Stuck-up
princesses are so unpredictable.

Maybe Cassie Lynn has a
shred of decency after all.

I want a recount,
you lucky little creep.

- Maybe not.
- Maybe not.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi, Carl.

Harriette...

you look beautiful.

No, I don't. I've been
patrolling the neighborhood.

I'm tired and sweaty.

Well, to me, you
look like a goddess.

Is this nonsense
leading up to anything?

Yeah. Sit down.

Uh... Harriette...

while you were out...

Gloria Putney stopped by.

She brought you that
homemade apple pie.

That's nice.

Sweetheart...

..she said that you were the perfect
choice for neighborhood watch leader.

And you know
something? She was right.

I'm proud of you, sweetheart.

Even though I haven't
been acting like it.

You sure haven't.

Can you ever forgive me?

I know I've been acting like a
spoiled, selfish, jealous little boy.

You forgot to mention obnoxious.

No, I didn't.

I just didn't think it was necessary
to list all of my character traits.

Carl...

I didn't ask to be
neighborhood watch leader.

I was elected.

All I wanted to
do was a good job.

Sweetheart, you're
doing a great job.

It's just that you're
good at everything.

Even the toughest job of all.

- Which is...?
- Putting up with me.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

- Let's go upstairs and really make up.
- Yeah.

- Oh, Carl.
- Yes, honey?

- You can be the leader.
- Oh, gee, thanks.
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