03x24 - Dudes

[bunniefuu]

Welcome back to Dudes,
Chicago's hottest dating show.

Man, look at those babes.

My, oh, my, oh, my.

This show is disgusting.
It's sexist and chauvinistic.

Ah, you're just saying
that because you're a girl.

Hi, sofa spuds.

- What's up?
- We're watching Dudes.

Oh, smut TV.

Next week is Teen
Week here on Dudes...

so if you young dudes and
dudettes think you're hot...

come on down to
the studio and try out.

Okay, now I hope a lot you guys are gonna
come down and try because you know...

Come on.

Oh, forget them, Laura.

Eddie and Waldo are
immature juveniles...

with only one tawdry
thing on their minds.

Ah.

Care to rock my world, baby?

Ow!

Did I hit you too hard?

Too hard? Oh, please.

Hello, men. What's the skinny?

We got picked to be on Dudes.

Yeah.

Admit it, Steve, you know
you'd love to be in our shoes.

Nope. No siree, Bob.

I wouldn't be caught
dead on that show.

I feel slimy just watching it.

Oh, yeah?

I bet you if you went on Dudes, you
might be able to get a date with Laura.

Huh?

What bizarre twisted detour did
you use to get to that off-ramp?

Man, figure it out, Steve.

You go out on a date
with three gorgeous girls...

and then talk about it on TV.

Yeah, Steve. Wake up
and smell Juan Valdez.

If Laura saw you on Dudes,
she'd go nuts with jealousy.

Hmm.

Nuts with jealousy, huh?

Yeah, but she won't be jealous
because you're not going on the show.

- Right?
- Quiet, I'm thinking.

Oh, so that's how you do it.

Can't believe Eddie's
gonna be on television.

He thinks he's so hot since he
went out with three girls in one week.

Ha, ha, ha, hey, before I met your
mother, in one week I went out with...

Never mind.

Judy. You know,
today is my birthday.

I know. I was going to mention it
but Mom said not to make a fuss.

- She did?
- Yes.

Richie...

so tell me...

what does your Aunt Harriette
have planned for my birthday?

Nothing.

I see.

Let me ask this again.

What does your Aunt Harriette
have planned for my birthday?

Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha.

Nothing.

Anything else you wanna know?

This is gonna be great.

Eddie is gonna make
a total fool of himself.

Hi, folks, it's Teen
Week here on Dudes...

Chicago's hottest dating show.

First, let's meet
our luscious ladies.

Nicole Robertson.

The lovely Tanya Tuggles.

And the exotic Oneisha S'avoy.

Okay, let's meet
the three dudes...

who are vying for the
title of Super Dude.

First, put your hands together
for Eddie "Funky Hunk" Winslow.

It says here that Eddie's
hobbies are skydiving...

bungee jumping, and
putting out oil-rig fires.

Next, let's welcome
Waldo Geraldo Faldo.

All right, Waldo loves to
play the Top 40 on his armpit.

And is hoping someday
to do a world tour.

And now, let's hear it for our
last dude, Steven Q. Urkel.

Steve enjoys bugs...

cheese... and
synchronized bowling.

Steve is on Dudes?

I thought it was Teen Week, not
Scrape the Bottom of the Barrel Week.

You know, I'm enjoying this.

- You are?
- Oh, yes.

I wonder if they
have a seniors' week.

No, they don't.

I'll get some more chips.

Rachel.

Carl.

So tell me...

what does Harriette have
planned for my birthday?

None of your business.

Oh, come on, come on.

If I tell you, will you
promise to keep a secret?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Okay, here goes.

Nothing.

- Nothing?
- Well, what do you expect, Carl?

You told Harriette you didn't
want her to make big fuss this year.

Since when does
Harriette ever listen to me?

You dudes know
how to play the game.

The dude with the most kisses
wins. Okay, let's play the game.

- Funky Hunk.
- Yo, Pat.

We asked the girls what they
thought when they first saw you.

One lady said,
"Wow, hunk-o-rama!"

Another girl said, "Hey,
look. It's a big soft teddy bear."

Aww. Ha, ha, ha.

And the last girl said, " How can
he eat? He's so full of himself."

Oh. This is an easy one, Pat.

"Wow, hunk-o-rama" is Nicole.

That's right.

There's one for you.

Nicole, any romantic
sparks on your date?

Ooh, oodles, Eddie sang to me.

- Eddie, you like to sing on your dates?
- If the mood is right.

- Will you care to sing us a
few bars? Huh? EDWARD: Nah.

Coming at you.

Baby

Baby, baby

Baby, baby, oh,
baby Baby, baby, baby

Baby, baby, baby
Ha-ha, I wrote that.

Why am I not surprised?

Let's move on to Waldo, okay?

- Waldo?
- I'm still here.

We asked our dudettes how you
measured up on the old macho meter.

One lady said, "On a scale from
one to 10, he rates a minus five." Ooh.

Sticks and stones
may break my bones...

but math will never hurt me.

Another girl said, "Don't
they screen these guys first?"

Ooh.

That hurt me.

And the last one said, "I can't
rate him, we never went out."

Well, "I can't rate him, we
never went out" was Oneisha.

You're right.

Waldo, what happened?

I couldn't find Oneisha's house.

I gave you directions
over the phone.

I wrote them on the
wall of the phone booth.

But that darn thing
kept falling out of my car.

Steve.

That's the name,
romance is the game.

Okay, all right.

Steve, you think the girls
had a good time with you?

I think they look pretty
satisfied, don't you?

Let's find out.

Our first lady said, "I still can't figure
out how he swallowed my contact lens."

Merely a misplaced kiss.

Another girl said, "I showed
him my tattoo and he fainted."

Now, wait just a second there.

I greatly admire and
respect Bugs Bunny.

But there are just some
places he should not be.

And the last girl said, "Steve gave
me the most thrilling ride of my life."

Well, now, that's easy.

It's Oneisha who
got the thrilling ride.

He's right.

Steve, want to tell us
about this thrilling ride?

Well, I picked Oneisha
up on my neat-o Schwinn.

I let her ride my sissy bar.

Okay, it's almost time to find out
who is going to be our Super Dude.

But first, let's find out
where our Super Dude...

and his dudette will
spend their dream date.

- Take it away, Johnny Prince.
- Thank you, Pat.

Our winners will spend a
wonderful week in romantic Hawaii.

Yes, they'll stay at the beautiful
Hanapala Hotel, chaperoned of course.

They'll enjoy snorkeling,
sailing, sunning, hugging, kissing.

Remember, Hanapala is
Hawaiian for "really tall building."

It's all yours, from
Dudes. Back to you, Pat.

Okay, it's time
to Super Dude it.

Remember guys, you pick a girl. If
she picks you, you're the Super Dude.

Any tie will be broken by whoever
has the most number of lips.

Wow, just like in real life.

Funky Hunk, you start.

This is kind of a
tough choice, Pat...

because as you can see,
these are all prime choice babes.

But I think I'm gonna
have to go with Tanya...

because her parents
are hardly ever home.

Tanya, if you picked Eddie,
you're on your way to Hawaii.

Darn, I picked Waldo.

Well, Waldo who did you pick?

It was a real brain-squeezer...

but I chose Nicole.

Nicole, if you picked Waldo you'll be
winging your way to the Aloha State.

Sorry, I picked Eddie.

Hey Nicole, it's cool. I
mean, we could still go out.

Without Hawaii? Heh,
forget it, Hunky Funk.

Ow, ow, ow, ha-ha.

Well, Steve, it's up to you.

If the dudette you
chose also chose you...

you'll have the
luau of your life.

Well, these chickaroonies...

are all, as they
say in France, hot.

But the babe who
rings my chimes...

is Oneisha.

Oneisha, who did you choose?

I chose... Steve!

Congratulations!

Wait!

Stop!

Stop.

Oh, don't. Stop, stop.

Oneisha, I have made
a terrible mistake.

I could never go out with you...

for my heart belongs
to another woman.

Can we talk about
this after we get back?

Every fiber of my very being
belongs to the lovely Laura Winslow.

From the very first
time I saw Laura...

I vowed I would never
stray, and I shan't.

Every breath I take,
every thought I think...

spells L-A-U-R-A.

- Steve, Steve, we're on the air.
- No, I have to do this.

I'm hers. My heart, my soul...

everything I am, or ever
will be, belongs to her.

I'm coming home to you, baby.

Your Urk Man is coming home.

Howdy, love drops.

I was hoping you'd still be up.

Did you happen to
catch Dudes tonight?

I caught it.

Well, what do you say we
skip the light fandango...

hitch our wagon to a
star, and go steady?

You see this, Steve?

All that's missing is your neck.

Well, you know, I may be way off
base here but you seem just a tad upset.

A little postnasal drip?

Steve, you humiliated
me on television.

I did?

Why did you go on Dudes anyway?

I thought you agreed with me
that it was sexist and chauvinistic.

I thought if you
saw other women...

hot, curvaceous, sexy women...

fawning all over me...

well, you might get jealous
and do a little fawning yourself.

Steve...

when will you realize that I will never
feel the way that you feel about me?

Oh, yes, you will.

And it's my vision of that glorious
moment that keeps my little heart b*ating.

Ba-boop. Ba-boop. Ba-boop.

Ohh, is she smiling
at me? Yes, she is.

Ba-boop, ba-boop, ba-boop.

I'm sorry, Steve, but
you've got a long wait.

Well, I wouldn't wait
too long, baby-kins.

After all, I'm a Super Dude.

That's "dud," Steve.

Oh, yeah?

Well...

this dud's for you. Oh.

Carl?

Carl.

Yeah?

Happy birthday, sweetheart.

Oh, gee. Thanks, honey.

Ha, ha.

This is, uh, swell.

Wait a minute.

- Make a wish.
- Oh, right.

- Did your wish come true?
- Well, no.

What's the matter, Carl?

Well, sweetheart,
remember when...

I said I didn't want a
big fuss for my birthday?

Yes.

Well, I fibbed.

I did want a big fuss.

Really? Well, then why
did you say you didn't?

Because you were
supposed to say:

"Oh, honey, don't be silly.

We're gonna make a big fuss
anyway because we love you."

And then I would have caved in.

But next year, big fuss.

Big, big fuss.

Hold on. I forgot something.

Surprise!

Aw, you guys!

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday, dear Carl

Happy birthday to you