03x25 - Farewell, My Laura

[bunniefuu]

Good night. Come again.

Steve? Steve, are you here?

What's going on, Laura?

Look what I found. It was on a table
that was empty just a second ago.

"'Farewell, My Laura'
by Steven Q. Urkel."

Hm. This must be his entry
in the short-story contest.

Yeah. He's deliberately being
mysterious to make me wanna read it.

Well, pfft... it worked.

It all started on a Tuesday.

An ordinary Tuesday, the kind that
falls between Monday and Wednesday.

Yep, anyway you look
at it, it was Tuesday.

Hey, Max. Put a sock in the sax.

Allow me to introduce
myself. The name is Danger.

Johnny Danger. Former
ranger. And even stranger...

my cousin is Stewart Granger.

I'm a private investigator, a PI,
a shamus, a sleuth, a gumshoe.

Things were kind
of slow. And then...

I want to see Johnny Danger.

And whom the heck are you?

Laura Wigglesworth.

I'll see if Mr. Danger is in.

- What is it, Max?
- There's a Miss Wigglesworth here.

Oh? Well, just a sec.

Show her in.

Hey, Max, we may be a
while. Take a long lunch.

Well, when do you want me back?

August.

I'm Johnny Danger.

I'm Laura Wigglesworth.

I saw right away this Laura
was no ordinary dame.

Silky hair, sultry eyes and a pair
of legs that started at her waist...

and went all the
way to the ground.

You were saying?

I need your help,
Mr. Danger. I need it bad.

Real bad.

Desperately.

I'm so frightened. Someone
is trying to k*ll my aunt.

Eh. I see. What's
your aunt's name?

Why would anyone wanna k*ll her?
And who do you like in the World Series?

Rachel Crawfish. You got me.
And I like the St. Louis Cardinals.

Rachel Crawfish? Why
would anyone wanna k*ll her?

- And I like the Red Sox.
- That's right.

I don't know. And I
still like the Cards.

So, what do you say?

Will you protect my aunt and
bet 10 bucks on the Series?

You're on. And you're on.

Good. You start 8:00 tonight at
my aunt's restaurant, Rachel's Place.

Don't be late.

What a woman.

Glitter and glitz on the
outside, but on the inside...

a hint of the girl next door.

But one question
kept nagging at me.

Where does she hide those drums?

I once fell in love
With a guy in a van

That man broke my heart
But his wife broke my hand

I'm just an unlucky
star An unlucky star

If you want a ride to
fortune Find another car

Hello, Laura. How did I sound?

Marvelous, as usual.

Rachel was a knockout.

And there was
something else about her.

Something I couldn't
quite put my finger on.

Who is this sexy man?

Then it came to me.
She had good taste.

This is Johnny Danger, the
private eye I told you about.

Oh.

My niece seems to
think I need protection.

Can you protect me, Johnny?

Are you kidding? Why, my
middle name's Turtle Wax.

Now, you two just go about
your normal business...

while I make myself
inconspicuous.

For the next several
hours, I cased the joint.

It was a hotbed of
suspicious activity.

Evening, Mrs. Wigglesworth.

Yeah, who says?

Well, gee, your sister's done
a great job with this place.

- You think I couldn't?
- No, I wasn't saying...

- That what you're saying?
- No!

- Yes, you are.
- No!

You think I'm nothing, I'm a nobody.
But I'm a person. I have feelings...

and my original nose.

Gee, I wonder who dropped
a scorpion in her girdle.

Hey, Mom. Wanna play the
numbers? It only costs a dollar.

Who do I look like,
the bank of Harriette?

Excuse me, you wouldn't
happen to be Laura's brother?

I hope so. I'm
wearing his underwear.

- Mr. Danger.
- Officer Wigglesworth.

What do you want here?

The fried chicken and
a side of information.

I don't like you, Danger.

Because wherever you
go, trouble is sure to follow.

- You follow?
- I follow.

Remember, we're on
the same side of the law.

There's room for you
and there's room for me.

Although, let's be quite honest.

You take up a lot
more room than me.

Laura.

Hello, Johnny.

You care to wet your whistle?

Why not?

- You do know how to whistle, don't you?
- Oh, sure.

You just put your
lips together and go:

See you later, big boy.

Laura had a half
nelson on my heart.

My pulse was racing, my head
was pounding, the room was spinning.

Then I realized,
this wasn't love.

Somebody had
slipped me a Mickey.

Unh. Hey, lady.

When I came to, I felt like Orson
Welles had been tap dancing on my head.

Rachel. Oh. What time is it?

How long have I been out?

Rachel?

Extra, extra, read all about it.

Rachel Crawfish
found stabbed to death.

One week later, on a
dark and stormy night...

I gathered everybody at
the Wigglesworth house.

Mr. Danger...

it's a dark and stormy night.

Why have you gathered us
here at the Wigglesworth house?

Because you all have
two things in common.

And what's that?

You all knew Rachel Crawfish...

and you all had
reason to k*ll her.

- You're way off base here.
- Rachel was loved.

Is that so?

Well...

how did you feel about
Rachel... Harriette?

Hey, she was my sister.

I, uh, sort of loved her.

You were jealous of Rachel.

After all, you did loan her the
money to start Rachel's Place.

But then, Rachel
became rich and famous.

And what did you get?

A chip on your shoulder
the size of an aircraft carrier.

What are you trying
to say, gumshoe?

I'm saying you
k*lled your own sister!

On second thought,
it wasn't Harriette.

- Was it, Eddie?
- Uh... What?

That's right. You were running numbers
and Rachel found out about it, didn't she?

Yeah, but I was doing all the work
and she wanted 80 percent of the action.

- It wasn't fair.
- No, it wasn't fair...

but you didn't have to k*ll her!

And which of course, you didn't.

Wait a minute.

Every time he accuses
somebody, they die.

- Which brings me to you.
- No!

Not so fast, flatfoot.

- You're gonna make headlines again.
- What are you talking about?

You were being investigated for
running a citywide extortion scheme.

If a business didn't pay, well,
they met with a little accident.

Rachel was making millions.

It wouldn't have k*lled her
to share the wealth a little.

You k*lled her because
she didn't share the wealth.

You know...

whoever's doing this just might
wanna wait until I'm finished.

This is crazy.

Laura, sit back down. I
can't think with those drums.

- Estelle?
- Yeah, sugar?

You mentioned earlier
that Rachel was loved.

- Did you love her?
- No, I didn't.

Rachel was a hussy.
She stole my man.

- Judge Jenkins?
- That's right.

And she convinced him to
put me away in a rest home.

Ah. I see. So not only would
Rachel have your man...

but she would have your money.

Now, listen, I admit I had
harsh words with Rachel...

but I swear I didn't
k*ll her. I didn't k*ll her.

Oh, Estelle.

If we could only believe you...

And we do believe you, Estelle.

We really do.

Chef Waldo.

Tell me, does this contract
look familiar to you?

Yeah, I sign it when
Rachel bring me to America.

Were you aware when you signed
it that it was a lifetime contract?

No. For seven long years...

I baste, I stuff and
I fricassee for her.

And I ask her...

let me start me
own ristorante...

but she said no!

You know, you have
a little drool right here.

Oh, heh. Thank you very much.

So Rachel destroyed
your dream...

and that's-a why you k*lled her.

Gee, I would have
bet money on that one.

So...

Wigglesworth, it all
comes down to you.

- Ha. I didn't k*ll anybody.
- Oh, really?

Murtagh ordered you to collect
the extortion money from Rachel.

But not only did she refuse...

she showed to you this.

What's that?

Rachel secretly recorded
your father's demand for money.

Isn't that right,
Officer Wigglesworth?

Well, she was gonna
leak it to the press.

- My career would have been ruined.
- And so you k*lled her!

No!

Laura! I knew it was you!

You did? Then why'd you
let me sh**t all these people?

I wanted to make
you sweat a little.

Well, now it's your
turn, Johnny Danger.

Your turn to die.

There I was, face to
face with Lady Death.

Was I about to take the
long nap, the siesta grande...

the eternal snooze,
the hasta la bye-bye?

Well, what are you waiting for?

The narration to finish.

You're a strong woman.

All right, Johnny.
You've got me.

- I k*lled my Aunt Rachel.
- But why?

I wanted to inherit
the supper club.

And I k*lled the rest of the
family because I was last in line.

Oh.

Oh, you're cold, baby.

Cold and irresistible.

- What are you saying?
- I'm saying I'm crazy about you, kid.

You're under my skin.

I know you're poison, but I've been
bitten and I don't have an antidote.

So you're gonna let me go?

I'm giving you a choice.

We can run away and spend
the rest of our lives together...

or you can go to jail.

Chicago Police?

I've just k*lled seven people.

And so it ended.

The cops took Laura away
and I never saw her again.

But every time the
Cards play the BoSox...

I bow my head and shed a tear...

for the lovely
Laura Wigglesworth.

So, ladies, what did you think?

- Actually, I liked it.
- So did I.

I hope you win
that writing contest.

Come on, you two,
it's late. Let's go home.

I'm just an unlucky
star An unlucky star

Steve, you wrote the story.

Why didn't you have
Johnny end up with Laura?

Well, simple, sweetheart.

I'm saving that
ending for real life.