04x04 - Rumor Has It

[bunniefuu]

How I missed you, my pet.

Well, looky, looky,
looky. If it isn't my cookie.

Steve, what is that smell?

It's my new Swiss cologne.

It's called Eau de Lay Hee Hoo.

What do you want, Steve?

Well, if you're not busy tomorrow
night, why don't you and I rent a movie?

We'll turn down the lights...

and engage in a
little lip wrestling.

I can't. I'm going
out with Ted Curran.

Again?

But why?

Well, he's good-looking, a varsity athlete,
and the most popular guy in school.

But take all that away
and what have you got?

You.

Honey, I have a
little indigestion.

Did you do something
to the pot roast?

Carl, it was meatloaf.

There you go. That's different.

Carl, I need your help.

- What's up?
- Eddie's up to no good.

He's done something
wrong, and he's not telling us.

- How do you know?
- He's been nice to me.

Well, let's just see
what he's up to.

Edward! Kitchen! Now!

Try a little good cop/bad cop.

I'll be the bad cop.

Of course.

- What is it, Dad?
- Sit down. Sit!

What did I do, Mom?

I don't know, honey.

But your daddy's in one of his moods.
So if I were you, I'd tell the truth.

Okay.

- What's the matter, Dad?
- What's the matter?

What's the matter?

You sit there with your
bare face hanging out...

and have the nerve to ask
me, "What's the matter?"

Oh, Carl, take it easy.

He's just a kid.

A scared kid.

Candy?

No, thanks.

Come on, Edward,
talk to me. Sing.

There's nothing to talk about.

Hardly.

Hardly?

Hardly?

Well, there is that tiny little thing
that happened at school, but...

Uh-huh. Mm-hm.

You call what you did tiny?

No, sir. Not really, sir. But
I only played hooky twice.

You hear this, Harriette?
Our son played hooky.

Dad, me and a bunch
of the guys had a chance

to watch practice
down at Soldier Field.

- Mm-hm. The Bears?
- The cheerleaders.

Mm-hm.

What you did, son, is a very serious
offense. And did you take pictures?

Carl! CARL: Uh. Mm.

Edward, there is no
excuse for your behavior.

Now, go to your room.

Your mother and I will
decide the punishment.

Yes, sir.

Will you please tell
me how you find out?

Let's just say somebody
that you know has a big mouth.

Well, when I find out
who it is, I'm gonna k*ll him.

- Hey, Waldo.
- What's up?

Well, what are you doing?

I am sick of all these
posters. Look at all this clutter!

It is rather unsightly.

Darn tooting. That's
why I'm putting up these.

Slap up a couple hundred of these
babies and people will get the point.

Come on, tell us. What
happened on your date with Laura?

- Nothing. Just had a good time.
- Yeah, right.

Look, you've been out
with the girl four times now.

- You gotta be going back for something.
- Come on, guys. Chill.

Alex, he's holding out on
us. What's up with that?

I can only think of one reason.

He's striking out!

- Whoa. I'm the Ted
Man. I do not strike out.

So you're saying
you scored, right?

Grow up.

He scored! I knew
he scored! Ha, ha, ha.

- Take it back.
- Take what back?

These bozos think
you scored with Laura.

Well, news flash, muchachos.

Laura Winslow is pure.

She's chaste.

She's never been sullied!

Get lost, Urkel.

Not until you admit nothing
happened between you and Laura.

- Something did happen.
- That, sir, is a lie!

- The nerd boy hit me.
- Correction.

I hit you twice.

- I don't believe this.
- Oh? Then maybe you'll believe this one.

How many of those do you have?

I don't know. Let's see.

One.

Two.

- Three.
- That does it.

- Four.
- That does it!

Oh, no. I got plenty left.

- Locker.
- Hey, unhand me, you stooge!

Lackey! Henchman!
Flunky! Hey, hey, hey!

Don't make me hurt you!

Hey, hey, hey!

Take back what
you said about Laura.

Or I'll bust out of this
locker and hurt you.

Ow! Ow.

Hello?

Anybody out there?

Hello?

Please, somebody help me!

Steve? Is that you?

Laura? Laura? For God's
sake, get me out of here!

What's your combination?

Thirty-four...
twenty-four... thirty-four.

Hey, those are my measurements.

I know.

Steve, how long have
you been in there?

I don't know. Ooh.

It's hard to keep track of time when you
keep slipping in and out of consciousness.

Oh, sweetums, could
you help unfold me?

Ah.

Oh.

Steve, who put
you in the locker?

Your boyfriend, Ted.

Oh, well, I'm sure he
had a good reason. Bye.

Wait. Laura.

I have some bad news, and I'm
not sure how to break it to you.

Just tell me.

Ted told some of his friends
that when he went out with you...

he had a really good time.

That's nice. I had a
really good time too.

No, no, no, you
don't understand.

He said he had a
really, really good time.

I had a really,
really good time too.

Oh, for goodness sake,
Laura. He said he got lucky.

Did the old yum-yum,
bouncy-bouncy.

The horizontal polka!

What?

- You're lying.
- No, ma'am.

Steve...

I know your jealousy has made you
do some truly annoying things before.

But this is way past
annoying. This is cruel.

But, Laura, I heard him say it.

Stop it, okay?

Steve, you always tried
to be my boyfriend...

but if you're gonna start telling
these lies, you can't even be my friend.

No, Laura, wait...

Hello? Yes, this is
Laura. Who's this?

Jason?

Jason Sanders? Ah!

It's Jason Sanders!

What's up, Jason?

A movie Friday night?

And then some fun afterwards?

What kind of fun?

What's wrong?

You listen to me. You are a
disgusting, perverted lowlife!

I hope whatever rock you crawled
out from under falls on your head...

and your brains squish
out through your nose!

Oh, hi, Mrs. Sanders.

Could you please give
that message to your son?

Thanks. Have a nice day.

Laura, what did
Jason say to you?

I can't repeat it.
But it was filthy.

I was afraid this
was gonna happen.

- What do you mean?
- Laura, there's some rumors about you.

- Rumors?
- Actually, it's just one rumor...

but it's a doozy.

Wait. Does this rumor have
anything to do with me and Ted?

Yeah.

Everybody says
that you guys did it.

What?

Laura, when I heard
it, I was really upset.

- Thank you, Max.
- Why didn't you tell me first?

Max, it's a lie.
It didn't happen.

I knew that.

Steve told me that Ted was bragging
to his friends, but I didn't believe him.

Wait a minute.

Maybe this rumor hasn't
spread as much as I think.

- Who told you, Max?
- The basketball team.

Ah. There's nothing like a long,
brisk walk to get the old heart pumping.

Ha, ha. Hey, Laura.

- Laura, are you crying?
- No.

Rachel, I think it's
mother-daughter time.

Sure, sis. I'll just go up and
read Richie a bedtime story.

I hope he doesn't
mind if I wake him up.

Honey, what's the matter?

Nothing. Everything's fine.

Except my life is over.

Come on. It can't be that bad.

Yes, it is.

I just found out that the first guy I
ever really cared about is a creep.

Ted? What did he do?

He told his friends that
we did the horizontal polka.

Is that what I think it is?

Yeah.

I see.

Laura, did you
have sex with Ted?

No.

Phew.

I mean, I thought about it...

but I'm not ready for that yet.

Good, Laura. Very good.

You did a good thing.

What am I gonna do, Mom?

Rumors about me are
flying all over school.

First thing tomorrow, your father
and I are gonna call Ted's parents.

That won't do any good. They'll
just ask Ted and he'll deny it.

And the whole school will go
right on thinking that I'm easy.

Honey, people that know you
are not gonna believe a lie like that.

Why not?

Mom, the truth is, when I heard
rumors about people, I believed them.

But I sure feel different now
that the rumor is about me.

Well, you see, that's
the problem with rumors.

They don't have to be true.

People will believe them
as long as they're juicy.

Oh, Mom... I just feel so...

helpless.

Don't worry, honey,
we're gonna fight back.

Fight back?

Right. There's a
solution to every problem.

That's the easy part.

What's the hard part?

Figuring out what
the solution is.

Remember, you're the bad
cop, I'm the good cop, right?

Shut up, Steve. You're
getting on my nerves.

Oh, you're good.

- Yo, Ted.
- Yeah?

Hey, man, what's your problem?

You're my problem.
And this is your problem.

Hey, hey, Eddo, Eddo,
Eddo. Relax. Relax, Eddo.

- What did I do?
- I don't know, Teddy.

But the E Man here is
in one of his moods...

so if I were you,
I'd tell the truth.

Okay, okay.

What's the matter, Eddie?

What's the matter?
What's the matter?

You stand there with your
bare face hanging out...

and you have the nerve to
ask me, "What's the matter?"

Now, take it easy,
Eddo. He's just a kid.

A scared kid.

Gum?

No, thanks. Why's he so mad?

Well, he's irked. Upset.

Perturbed.

- About what?
- Oh, I don't know, Ted.

Could it have something
to do with the rumors...

you and your algae-sucking friends
here have been spreading about my sister?

Hey, Ted. You gonna
let him insult us like that?

Yeah.

Just asking. Go ahead.

It seems you like to talk, Ted.

So talk to me.

Tell me what happened
on your date with Laura.

Uh...

We went to the movies, and
then we grabbed something to eat...

then I took her home.

Oh. That's it?

You mean, you
didn't score with her?

No, I didn't score.

- Yes, you did. You told us.
- We were standing right here.

Shut up!

Look, Eddie, I never
said I scored, man.

But I let them think I did.

So the truth is...

that nothing happened on
your date with Laura. Right?

Nothing.

One kiss. And I
kept my eyes open.

Ted...

you do realize according to the
Unofficial Code of Big Brothers...

that I should expose you and
your friends' vital organs to daylight.

True, but that
code is unofficial.

Don't hit him, Eddie.

Laura.

Ted... I really liked you.

- And I thought you liked me too.
- I do.

Then how could
you hurt me like this?

Just so you could look
good in front of your friends?

I'm sorry, Laura.

Look, I know
it's asking a lot...

but could we wipe the
slate clean, start over?

No way.

- I don't know, Ted.
- She doesn't know, Ted.

- I have to think about it.
- She has to think about it.

But it will be hard for
me to forgive the fact...

that you boosted your
rep by ruining mine.

Oh, you're history, bub.

Steve. I'll handle this
conversation myself, okay?

She'll handle this
conversation herself, okay?

Laura, I feel real bad about this. I can't
believe I wanted to impress these dorks.

- Hey, Ted, you calling us dorks?
- Yes.

Just asking. Go ahead.

Laura, I really care about you.

And I don't care how long it takes,
but I'm gonna make it up to you.

- How'd we do, Laura?
- Hey, Mom and Dad would be real proud.

Aw.

Thanks, Eddie. You're
a terrific big brother.

- And, Steve...
- Yes?

You tried to warn me,
but I wouldn't listen.

Then you helped me
get out of this mess.

I really appreciate what
a good friend you are.

Wanna get married?

Steve, I'm only 15 years old.

True, true. But I've
done a little research.

In some areas of the country,
the minimum marrying age is 14.

And on the tiny island of Duclonia, they
don't even have a minimum marrying age.

All you have to do is own a pig.