04x05 - Number One with a b*llet

[bunniefuu]

Well, you know, I hate to say this,
but I'm gonna whup you ladies bad.

Hearts is a game
of strategy and skill.

Qualities that I happen
to be blessed with.

Ahoy, Winslows.

Steven Q. Urkel requesting
permission to come aboard.

Hi-de-hi-de-ho.

Well, what's the haps, paps?

We're busy, Steve. We're
having a relaxing game of Hearts.

Well, you can't be too relaxed.
You have the queen of spades.

Oops. Oh.

Oops, I'm sorry, I probably
shouldn't have said that.

Ooh!

What's wrong, Steve?

Well, lately I've been having
a little pain in my tum-tum.

Maybe your shorts
are pulled up too high.

No, they're where they always are,
tucked right up under my armpits.

So, babycakes...

care to trip the light fantastic
with me at the school sock hop?

No thanks.

Jumping Jehoshaphat, woman.

I've asked you out over 900 times
and you have said no every time.

Well, it's important
to be consistent.

Angel eyes, even an Urkel
can only take so much rejection.

Why, if you turn me down
again, I will surely die.

So sock hop?

No, Steve.

Ow.

Steve, stop faking.

I'm not faking, love
muffin. I'm hurting here.

Steve, are you okay?

Come on, Steve,
stop fooling around.

Yeah, Steve, we mean it. Get up.

- Steve?
- Steve?

Steve?

- Harriette, call an ambulance.
- Oh, no, no.

Here, put his
head on this pillow.

No.

No.

No.

Winslows. You're here.

- Of course we're here, Steve.
- Of course we're here.

- Oh, you love me, you
really love me. CARL:

Oh, I don't know
about... I don't know.

You just missed my mom and dad.

Did they go down
to the cafeteria?

Oh, no. They didn't want to miss their
first Couples Without Children meeting.

Here, Steve, I thought
these would cheer you up.

Gee, Eddo, where did you get
such a beautiful bouquet of flowers?

The room next door.
The guy just croaked.

Hello, everybody,
I'm Dr. Skiles.

Hi, doctor, how are you doing?

Mario Funziano.
Didn't he just croak?

Yeah, now his flowers
are cheering me up.

Give it to me straight, doc.

I'm a man. I can take it.

You've got appendicitis.

Better get some rest
because in a couple of

hours I'm going to
take that appendix out.

Oh, I see.

It's a standard procedure and I
don't foresee any problems at all.

Well, thanks, doc.

And I have every confidence
in you and your abilities.

Ah, don't worry, Steve.

You'll be back
bugging us in no time.

One can only hope.

Now, if you'll excuse me, loved
ones, I'd like to speak to Laura alone.

Now, I know you're
all reluctant to leave...

Oh, listen, don't
worry about it.

What's on your mind, Steve?

Laura, I've loved you ever
since I first laid eyes on you.

Uh, Steve, I have a tennis
court reserved, so if you...

Honey bunch, I may not make
it through this medical ordeal.

Would you please give me
something to remember you by?

Like what?

Marry me. We get
engaged. Go steady. A date.

No. No. No. No.

- A kiss. On the lips.
- On the hand? The forehead.

Deal.

Oh, thank you, Laura.

You're welcome, Steve.

Laura?

- Yes?
- You're leaning on my appendix.

Steve?

Oh, Laura.

Oh, boy. Unh.

Laura, how did everything go?

Great. Your kidney came
out clean as a whistle.

Kidney?

Oh, you were funning me.

Well, we better get going, Steve.
It's getting late and you need your rest.

Oh, you guys are so, so good.

And I love you both
so, so darn, darn much.

Steve.

And that's not just the
Demerol talking, either.

That's straight
from the old ticker.

Uh, Steve, get
some rest now, okay?

Well, I don't think I can.

Hey, Dad, why are you so happy?

Hey, the doctor said that Steve
can't come home for three days.

That's 72 hours.

Three days Urkel-free.

They'll be the three
happiest days of my life.

Charlene, what's going on?

You've got a roommate. A
man got sh*t in the rear end.

Oh, Lordy. A b*llet in the butt.

Big Guy?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

Hi, Carl. Hi. How
you doing, Big Guy?

Nurse, nurse, are there
any other rooms available?

I'm afraid not.

Well, look, I am not a rich
man, but I'll pay anything.

Listen to him.

If I didn't know him any better, I'd
think he didn't want to be here with me.

Let's get him into the bed.

Okay. On three. One, two, three.

Okay, plan B. Let's slide
him off with the sheet.

One, two, three.

Officer, we're going to
have to roll you onto the bed.

All right, all right.
Just hurry up.

- Ready? CARL:
All right, easy. Easy.

Ooh. Ooh. Ow, ow!

Stand back!

Just stay away. I
can do this myself.

I'm a wounded man. This
isn't a log-rolling contest.

- Your doctor will be in to see you soon.
- Thank you, thank you.

- Just use your call button if you need me.
- Thank you, thank you.

You're very nice, thank you.

So, Carl, tell me what happened.
Did you sit on your g*n again?

No, I didn't.

I surprised a couple of slimeballs
trying to break into a jewelry store.

Well, did they get away?

Well, one of them did.
But I threw a tackle...

on the other one and held him down
with my one good cheek until help arrived.

Carl? Carl. Carl, I
came as soon as I heard.

Harriette, I'm okay,
don't worry, I'm all right.

Oh, Carl.

He'll be, uh... He'll
be fine, Rachel.

I'll see to it.

Why is your arm around me?

Well, you're emotionally vulnerable right
now, so I thought I'd make a move on you.

You're lucky.

- Oh, I am?
- Yeah.

You won't have to go
far for medical treatment.

I guess you're one of those chicks
that won't loosen up without booze.

Carl, you're not eating.

I got sh*t in the
butt, not in the head.

Fire it on over here, Big Guy.

Look at my life.

I got this pain in the butt.

And I've got that
pain in the butt.

How could it get any worse?

Oh, of course. A concertina.

Now, let's see,
what should I play?

- Please, don't do this to me.
- I don't know that one.

I've got it.

I'll play a medley dedicated
to your particular injury.

Moon River

Wider than a mile

I'm crossing you
in style someday

Very funny.

Blue moon

You saw me standing alone

Without a dream in my heart

Without a love of my own

Would you please...?

Shine on, shine on, Carl Winslow

Up in the sky

I ain't had no lovin'
since January, February...

Steve. Steve. Steve!

Yes?

No more moon songs.

Well, why not?

I need peace and quiet.

I've just had a major operation.

Yes, you did, and you think
you'd learn to turn the other cheek.

- I made it.
- I'm so glad.

- Say hi to Alfred.
- Alfred?

- What the heck is that?
- My appendix.

Ooh. Ow.

What are you trying to do?

Trying to lower the
back so I can get some

sleep. But I don't
know which button it is.

- I do. Let me try. Let me try. Let me try.
- No, that's all right. Just...

Ah.

Oh. Sorry. Wrong button.

Thank you very much. Give me
this. What are you trying to do, k*ll me?

Well, of course not. How
could you even ask such a thing?

You know, you're not
a very patient patient.

All right, that is it, Steve.

I've had it with you. Now you
go back to your bed and shut up!

- What?
- You heard me.

I have got to get some sleep. So that
means no more helping me with my bed...

no more pickled body parts and
no more musical tributes to my butt!

Well, if that's the
way you feel...

I'll just leave you alone.

Well, good.

- Come on, Alfred.
- Alfred.

- Officer Winslow?
- Yeah?

I'm Dr. Jenkins.

Where's Mr. Funziano?

Dead.

And I bet the food k*lled him.

Well, how do you feel?

Well, to be perfectly honest,
doc, I've had better days.

Well, you just need
some rest. Would you like

me to give you something
to help you sleep?

- A sh*t?
- Well, yeah.

- That's exactly what it is.
- Whoa.

Hey, wait a minute, wait
a minute. You're no doctor.

Very good.

Now, try and guess what this is.

- What, is there a full moon out tonight?
- Shut up.

Say your prayers,
Winslow. You're history.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

At least tell me who you
are and why you're doing this.

You busted my brother, Ralphie.

Ralphie, Ralphie.

Would that be Ralphie the pimp, Ralphie
the loan shark or Ralphie the snitch?

The guy who sh*t
you in the butt.

Oh, yes, Ralphie the robber.
Nice guy. Good sh*t. Great g*n.

See, you're the only witness.

I k*ll you and Ralphie walks.

Well, now, Jenkins, listen,
you're not thinking clearly.

You know, you must have
one heck of a headache.

No, I don't.

Well, you do now.
Good work, Steve.

Well, you know, I've always
been quick with a bedpan.

Hey, if I only I
had my handcuffs.

Ah. You don't need them.

Steve, thanks for
saving my husband's life.

Aw, shucks, it wasn't nothing.

The world wouldn't be the
same without the big old lug.

Well, I appreciate what you did.

In my book, you're a hero.

Aw.

Your turn, sweetums.

Uh, Steve, I kissed you
yesterday, remember?

Ah, still weak in
the knees, huh?

No, more in the stomach area.

See you in my dreams, sweetums.

Carl, I assure you that I
won't annoy you anymore.

You won't hear a peep from
me for the next two days.

- Uh, Steve.
- Yes?

Look, if you feel the urge to
peep once or twice, it's okay.

I mean, you saved my life...

and I shouldn't have snapped at
you. You were just trying to help me.

Don't worry about
it, Carl. It's forgotten.

You know, when you
collapsed on my living room

floor, well, I thought
that you were faking.

- But I wasn't.
- No.

And then I found out that
you had to have an operation.

I mean, all I could think about was
I'd have three days without you around.

Oh, my.

And then when I got hurt, you went
out of your way to make me feel better.

True.

But did I appreciate it?

Nosiree.

No, I yelled at you and
ordered you to leave me alone.

And then you saved my life.

Yes, indeedy.

- So, what does all that tell you?
- I'm okay and you need work.

You're right.

But, hey...

you were offering me
the greatest gift of all.

And up until now I
haven't accepted it.

Well, what gift is that?

Your friendship.

And if you're still offering
it, I'd like to accept.

- Friends, Big Guy.
- Friends.

- Let's get some shut-eye.
- Good idea.

Hey, let me turn your
light off for you, buddy.

Thanks, pal.

Sorry, wrong button.

This baby's got a hair trigger. Now,
look, let me raise your head just a little.

I'm sorry. I am
truly sorry, Big Guy.

You know, you should
really complain about this bed.