04x06 - Whose Kid Is It Anyway?

[bunniefuu]

Okay, everybody, it's time for the
third annual Scariest Pumpkin Contest.

And this year, our esteemed
judges are Carl Winslow...

and Steve Urkel.

Well, I'm proud to be included in
this family's charming pagan ceremony.

Okay, let the contest
begin. Hit the lights.

The first pumpkin was
carved by me and my mom.

Oh.

The next pumpkin was
carved by me and my mom.

And the last pumpkin was
carved by me and Eddie.

Well, there's your winner.

Good morning.

Okay, so I'm a little
late. Get off my back.

I'm sorry. It's just that I
didn't sleep again last night.

Honey, that's the third night in a
row. Maybe you should call a doctor.

Carl, he'll just say, "Get some
sleep," and then charge us 100 bucks.

I want you to be ready to rock 'n' roll at
the Policeman's Halloween Bash tomorrow.

You know how they
look forward to us...

getting on top of the table and
doing the famous Winslow Rumba.

Carl, the only person that
looks forward to that is you.

You didn't notice last year,
but they pulled their g*ns on us.

Rachel, you may have to
carry the rumba banner this year.

Can't Carl. I'm taking
Richie trick-or-treating.

No, you're not. I'm
going with Eddie.

What?

Yeah, you promised
me a long time ago.

Remember the
time I loaned you $2?

Oh. I'm sorry, Richie.
I forgot all about that.

Waldo and I are going to
Darryl Jackson's Halloween party.

Oh.

- Yo, Richmeister.
- Yeah?

Be ready by 6:00, okay?

All right. Thanks, Eddie.

Carl.

Carl.

- Carl!
- Ahh!

What?

Honey, are you awake?

Well, I am now.

Good. Let's chat.

Chat?

Chat?

Oh, I see. You can't sleep,
so I can't sleep either, right?

I knew you'd understand.

Steve, is that you?

Well, it ain't the tooth fairy.

Oh, it's official. This
is the night from hell.

Hey, big guy. Greetings,
mother of the woman I love.

Steve, what are you doing here?

Well, my motion-sensor device was
triggered, so I came over to investigate.

Motion-sensor device?

Yeah. It's a little doohickey I cooked
up to keep track of my favorite family.

By the way, Carl, there hasn't
been much motion in this room lately.

Well, I've been having
this back problem, okay?

Every couple of months,
it goes out on me and...

Why am I explaining this
to you? Go home, Steve.

- Oh, well...
- No, no. Wait, Steve. You can stay.

- What?
- What?

Carl, I can't sleep. I
need somebody to talk to.

Ah. Insomnia.

Harriette, he's getting a chair.

My dear old dad has had considerable
experience with that affliction.

Really?

Why, he didn't sleep
from 1966 to 1976.

A whole decade?

But this story has
a happy ending.

In 1977, my father found a
surefire remedy for insomnia.

Oh, tell me.

He listens to relaxation tapes.

His favorite is, "Sounds of
the Amazon Rain Forest."

Ooh. I bet that is relaxing.

Yeah.

Chain saws, bulldozers...

animals shrieking in terror
as they run for their lives.

Get out.

Oh, I'm just kidding. A
little ecosystem humor.

Actually, it's the gentle
sounds of wind and rain.

Very soothing.

Steve, where can
I buy this tape?

Oh, pishposh. I'll make
you a copy and bring it over.

Oh, thank you, Steve.

Ah. Now, what can
I get for you, Carl?

Some oysters?

Vitamin E?

A copy of Bolero?

Go home.

- But, Carl, I just...
- Go home.

- Well, if you'll just...
- Go home, go home, go home!

I don't have to take this.

I'm going home.

Hey, Spider-Man. Ready to go?

I was born ready.
I'm in candy overdrive.

Yeah.

Trick or treat.

What's up, Waldo?

How'd you know it was me?

Lucky guess.

Hey, guys.

Care to ride up the
Nile on my barge?

Hey, Miss Crawford, in this light,
you look exactly like Cleopatra.

- Mrs. Winslow, who are you supposed to be?
- Shirley Temple Black.

Sergeant Garcia,
unhand that maiden.

You dare say no to Zorro?

Oops. Sorry, senorita.

Wow, Zorro. Can I
have your autograph?

Waldo, it's me, Carl Winslow.

Dude, your dad is Zorro.

Let's go to the party so
we can boogie all night.

Richie...

you have a great time
trick-or-treating, okay?

Don't worry, I will. I'm gonna
be with my best bud, Eddie.

Okay. Ha-ha.

More trick-or-treaters.

Ooh. Jump back.

Hi.

Right back at you.

I wonder if you can help me.

Well, wonder no more, baby.

Eddie Winslow
here at your service.

I'm Angela.

And I'm glad.

Thank you.

I'm going to a party at the
Jackson house but I can't find it.

You see, that's because it's
a very difficult house to find.

No, it isn't. It's
right across the...

Perhaps I should escort you
personally, just to make sure you're safe.

Thanks a lot.

See, I'm a friend of a friend and
I won't know anyone at this party.

Of course, you
will. You'll know me.

Now, put yourself in park,
but keep that motor running.

Guys, look at her. She's
drop-dead gorgeous.

I don't know why you're so impressed.
For God's sakes man, your father is Zorro.

Change of plans, Waldo. I need
you to take Richie trick-or-treating.

Eddie, you promised to take me.

I know, Richie, but you'll have just as
much fun if you go with your Uncle Waldo.

The guy thinks
your father is Zorro.

And besides, I
wanna be with you.

I know, Richie, but don't worry,
I'll make it up to you. I promise.

Come with me into the night...

my little mistress of the dark.

- Ready to go, Richie?
- I guess.

- Steve.
- Ribbit.

- Steve.
- Ribbit.

One more "ribbit" out of you
and I'm having frog legs for dinner.

I love you. I love you all.

I love you. I love you all.

I love you. I love you all. Oh.

I love you.

- Steve. Stop that.
- Oh, ribbit.

Tell you what, sweetums. Let's
make the fairy tale come true.

Kiss this homely frog and turn
him into a handsome prince.

I am not kissing a frog.

Oh, come on, help
out a horny toad.

We're back.

- Where's Eddie?
- He went to a party.

- You mean he ducked out on Richie?
- Yeah, big time.

Richie, did you have a
fun time trick-or-treating?

I had a blast.

But who's Richie?

- Excuse me.
- Yeah?

- Who are you?
- I'm Tommy Wong.

Oh, this is just peachy.

Waldo, you brought
back the Wong kid.

Hello, Darryl.

This is Waldo Geraldo Faldo.

Is Eddie Winslow there?

You know, Zorro's kid.

Well, tell him to
haul it home now.

Waldo, how could you
make such a mistake?

I don't know.

Wait a minute.

I do remember a woman with a
small kid dressed like Spider-Man.

There was something
different about her.

Might she have been Chinese?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, that's it. Yeah.

Yo, this better be good.

I was just about to sink
my teeth into Angela's neck.

- Who is this?
- Ah. This is Tommy.

You see, Waldo left with Richie
but he came back with Tommy.

- Well, then where's Richie?
- Ah.

That's what we don't know!

Whoa, chill.

Waldo, man, you really
messed up this time.

This is the dumbest
thing you've ever done.

Hey, you left a small kid with
me and you're calling me dumb?

We're just wasting time. Richie
could be out there all alone.

The poor kid's probably
scared to death.

Your folks are home.
We gotta think fast.

Stop thinking, Waldo.
You'll hurt yourself.

They're gonna k*ll
me. I'm dead meat.

Eddie, just chill out. We'll
put the mask back on Tommy...

and the first chance we get, we'll
go back out and look for Richie.

Put your mask back on
okay? Stand right there, okay?

- Just give me a break.
- Oh, come on, Rachel.

It wouldn't have k*lled you to
dance once with Lieutenant Murtagh.

Carl, the man came
dressed as a sofa.

He asked all the women
to stretch out on him.

Hi.

All right, what happened?

- What do you mean?
- Nothing happened.

Richie.

Did you have a good
time trick-or-treating?

Oh, he had a great
time, Aunt Rachel.

Well, let's get you
out of this costume.

- You must be so hot...
- Oh, no, he's fine.

- Yeah. Fine.
- We just came back to make a pit stop.

And we're on our
way back out now.

- Hello.
- We're out of candy.

No, I think there's
been a little mix-up.

Why, whatever do you mean?

Well, isn't that my son?

Oh, please, I know my own son.

Richie.

Come here.

I'm shocked.

Eddie...

how could you?

- I don't know.
- He doesn't know.

Don't hand us that.

You left my son with Waldo?

How could you?

- I don't know.
- He doesn't know.

Don't hand us that.

Eddie...

what you did was
so irresponsible.

I mean, luckily, it had a happy
ending, but it could have been tragic.

I know, Aunt Rachel.

- And I'm sorry.
- You're sorry?

- He's sorry.
- Don't hand us that.

But don't you think
that part of the blame...

is due to the enormous
popularity of Spider-Man?

- Oh, I just... Okay...
- Okay, Carl, Carl. Carl, calm down.

He let his hormones
overpower his good judgment.

Harriette, that is no excuse.

Young man, you are
in for major punishment.

It is so major that it hasn't
even been invented yet.

But when I do think of it,
it is gonna be so awful...

that S*ddam Hussein will
say, "Whoa, Carl, lighten up."

Go ahead, Dad. I got it coming.

Edward, get in that
kitchen and talk to

Richie. He's a very
hurt little boy right now.

Yes, ma'am.

And, Mom, I'm...

You were right about my hormones
overpowering my good judgment.

You see, at my age, I'm kind
of heavy on the hormones...

and light on the good judgment.

Don't hand us that.

Hey, Richmeister.

Can I talk to you a second?

Why don't you
get Waldo to do it?

Ouch.

I guess I deserve that, huh?

I'm sorry, man.

I really let you down.

- Eddie?
- Yeah?

Don't you like me?

Are you kidding?

You're my best bud.

Best buds don't
dump you for a girl.

Hey, Rich...

do you remember last week
when we were at the mall...

and you saw that red
bike through the window?

Yeah, the 10-speed with the electric horn.
I wanted that baby the second I saw it.

Well, that's the way I
felt when I saw Angela.

Really? Wouldn't you
rather have a bike?

Not anymore.

And someday you won't either.

- Wow, that's scary.
- Heh.

Yeah, well, I'll tell
you what was scary.

When I came home and
found out you were gone.

Boy, I was real scared.

Really?

Yeah, I mean, I was afraid something
terrible might have happened to you.

You were really worried?

Well, of course, Richie.

See, I don't just like you...

I love you, little guy.

Oh, boy.

- Best buds again?
- Best buds.

Listen, if we hurry, we can
still get in a little trick-or-treating.

- You up for it?
- I sure am.

So did you get much
candy with Waldo?

Are you kidding? He threw eggs at
houses and then rang the doorbell.

- We spent the whole night running.
- Oh...

That's wrong though.

You know, Harriette,
that tape is relaxing.

Yes.

Remind me...

to thank Steve for
making me a copy.

Okay.

Urkel here. I'm hot, you're not.

Oh, hi, Waldo.

Oh, not much. Just making a
relaxation tape for Harriette Winslow.

Yeah, she still has
that insomnia problem.

Poor woman's eyes
look like a road map.

Well, of course,
that would help...

but Carl claims to
have back problems.