04x09 - The Oddest Couple

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Family Matters". Aired: September 22, 1989 - May 9, 1997.*
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A spin-off of Perfect Strangers, the series revolves around the Winslow family, a middle-class African-American family and their nerdy neighbor Steve Urkel.
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04x09 - The Oddest Couple

Post by bunniefuu »

Please, Steve. No more
farm animal impressions.

Okay, sugar pants. I'll find
somebody else to entertain.

Hi, big guy!

Hello, Steve.

Hey, wanna hear my
impression of a chicken yodeling?

No.

I'm warning you, Steve.
I'm in no mood for this.

Eddie is an hour past his
curfew. And it's a school night.

Oh, well, I don't blame
you for being perturbed.

My father always says,
"Curfews are like prostate exams:

Unpleasant, but necessary."

- Do you have a curfew?
- Oh my, yes.

My curfew is written in stone and
strictly enforced by both of my parents.

Oh, good. It's midnight.
I'm allowed to go home now.

Come on, Eddie, I'm
hungry. Give me a sandwich.

No, Waldo, I can't.

Wait, why are we whispering?

- I'm late. Don't you have a curfew?
- Nah, I'm lucky.

My parents don't care about me.

What about you?
You got a curfew?

No.

But I had a hamster once.

Edward!

Hi, Dad. Sorry we woke you.

We've been hanging out
down here since 10:58.

Oh, really? EDWARD: Yeah.

No, we weren't.
We just got here.

- Thank you, Waldo.
- No prob, Bob.

You're in big trouble,
mister. Major trouble.

Um, excuse me, but in
Edward's defense, Mr. Winslow...

it's my fault that he
violated his curfew.

Oh?

See he completely lost track of
time watching me moon meter maids.

Say goodnight to your friends, I'll
be on the couch making out your will.

Ooh...

- Goodnight, Dad.
- Wrong.

Edward, son...
your curfew is 11:00.

Not 11:30, not 11:45,
and certainly not 12:22.

Oh, come on, Dad. I'm
a senior in high school.

An 11:00 curfew is ridiculous.

Well, maybe you're right.

Let's say we change it to 10:30.

Come on, Dad. I
gotta have a social life!

Social life?

You call mooning
meter maids a social life?

I didn't do that. I would
never do a thing like that.

I just find it hilarious
watching other people do it.

Edward, it is completely
inappropriate behavior...

and I don't want you
associated with it in any way.

- Now go to your room.
- You're treating me like a little kid.

You embarrassed me
in front of my friends.

Oh, well, pardon me.

I'm sorry that I embarrassed you
in front of a guy named Weasel.

A guy who flashes his fanny at
feminine law enforcement officers!

Guys, guys. The whole neighborhood
can hear you. What's going on?

Your son is
grounded, that's what.

- What?
- You heard me, you're grounded...

- for one month, Edward.
- A month! For being late?

- That and your snotty attitude.
- Mom, say something!

I want both of you
to just calm down.

Oh, sure, take his side!

Edward, you messed up. And you're
gonna have to suffer the consequences.

Oh, man. All you ever do is nag
me, criticize me, and put me down!

I'm sick and tired of it, Dad, and
I'm not gonna take it anymore.

Oh, yes you are. You may not like
it, but you're gonna have to take it.

- Oh, no, I don't.
- Excuse me?

- I'm moving out!
- Edward, you don't mean that.

- Oh, yes I do.
- Edward, you're not going anywhere.

Oh, yes I am! I can't wait
to get out of this prison!

Eddie, are you still
upset with your father?

Yes, Grandma. I mean, he's
just being totally unreasonable.

- I can't wait to find my own apartment.
- Now, Eddie, I know you're frustrated.

But this is your father's house and
he's got a lot of rules and regulations.

But there's one thing
you've got to admit.

- What's that?
- You can't b*at the rent.

She's right, you know.

You can't find a studio
apartment for under 400 a month.

One bedrooms start
at five and a quarter.

How come you know so
much about apartment prices?

I think about getting my own
place every time Steve drops by.

I've absolutely had it!

What's the matter?

My father has forbidden has me from
doing any further scientific experiments.

Why, that's like telling The Fat
Boys to skip the second helpings.

Just calm down and
tell us what happened.

Well, I was working on a project
I hoped to sell to the m*llitary.

High expl*sives cleverly
disguised to look like food.

- Sounds like a winner.
- Oh, it is.

You could wipe out a
platoon with a single meat loaf.

Anywho, I stored some
egg grenades in the fridge.

Dad went to make himself an omelet
and he blew himself into the garage.

And he got upset over
a little thing like that?

Can you believe it? Well...

He says my inventing
days are over.

Well, Steven Q.
Urkel won't stand for it.

- So, what're you gonna do?
- I'm getting a place of my own.

We'll see how cocky he is when he
stops getting my rent check every month.

From now on, this puppy's
gonna be a lone wolf.

Yeah, a lone wolf.

Steve. Bud. Pal.

Why are you kissing
up to me, Eddo?

Well, it just so happens I've also
been thinking of leaving the nest.

- You mean we could be roomies?
- Why not?

If we combine our cash we
could get a really fresh pad.

Gosh, Eddo. I can only
afford about 300 a month.

No problem. We'll look for
something in the 310 to 320 range.

Yeah, this apartment hasn't
been rented for quite some time.

We've been waiting for just
the right tenants to come along.

- Oh, I see.
- You guys are perfect. Sign here.

- Sure!
- Hold it! Hold it!

Perhaps we should
see the apartment first.

Well, I guess we
could do it that way.

Here we go.

So, nice, huh?
Three-twenty-five a month.

I need first month, last
month, and a security deposit.

- We only have enough for first month.
- Deal. Sign here.

Not so fast.

I assume if anything goes
wrong with the apartment...

you will handle the
situation personally?

No way. I've got a guy with
a pot belly and a lot of tools...

who takes care
of that stuff for me.

I live way out in the suburbs
in a really nice house.

- Hey, Steve, look, bunk beds!
- Yeah. Sign here.

Hold it, Eddo.

- Are you sure about this?
- Come on, Steve, we've looked all day.

This is the only place we can afford where
cockroaches don't outnumber the tenants.

Well, I guess it'll do.

Here you go.

And here's your money.

Yes!

Bye.

Color me curious, Eddo.

Why is such a nice,
inexpensive apartment vacant?

That El train may be a clue.

I'm too sexy for my shirt
Too sexy for my clothes

Too sexy for my friends

- On the catwalk, on the catwalk
- On the catwalk, on the catwalk

- I shake my little tush on the catwalk.
- I shake my little tush on the catwalk.

- Yo, roomie.
- Hey, buddy. What's up?

I've just made
scientific history, Eddo!

What do you mean?

I've done some genetic engineering
and developed a single cell organism...

with high intelligence!
Take a gander.

Startling, isn't it?

Steve, don't let them escape.

Yeah, you're right.

Can you imagine those babies
crawling around on your lunch meat?

- Oh, uh, what is this?
- Ah, this is my latest invention.

Environmental Furniture.

You're looking at a chair
upholstered with sod.

- That's pretty neat.
- Yeah.

You know what I like
to call it? A lawn chair.

Hey, this is kind
of comfortable.

You might want to get
up. I just dusted for slugs.

So did you leave the
groceries down in the car?

- Groceries?
- Well, yeah, Eddo.

I gave you a shopping list, you
promised you'd stop at the store.

I know, Steve. I ran
into Cheryl Hudson.

I took her to
dinner and a movie.

So you squandered
our money on a hottie?

Well, I wouldn't say "squandered."
It was more of an investment.

Yeah, an investment in our
hunger. Eddo, I'm starving.

- I haven't eaten all day.
- Steve, will you stop whining?

- Here, have some celery.
- No!

Hit the deck!

What was that?

I told you I was doing important
work with expl*sive vegetables.

You just wasted a
perfectly good celery b*mb!

Look, Steve...

I don't wanna get into an
argument with you, all right?

- It's late. Let's get some rest, okay?
- Okay.

Good night, baby. Heh.

Good night, baby.

Now there's a real woman.

Now, Eddo, did you
remember to set the alarm?

- Mm-hm.
- Good.

- What time did you set it for?
- Seven.

- What?
- Seven.

Why are you talking so strangely?
I can't understand a word...

Whoa.

What in Sam Hill is that thing?

This is a dental brace.

You see, I have
a slight overbite.

Aha.

Please don't tease me or
make sarcastic comments.

I'm very sensitive.

Oh, far be it from me to mock
anyone with a medical affliction.

- Thanks.
- One thing though.

- What's that?
- We'd get much better reception...

if you sat on the
TV. Ha, ha, ha.

You're dead meat, mister.

Oh, oh.

Don't make me use this apple.

- Who the heck would visit us?
- Beats me.

- Hello, Steve.
- Hi, big guy! Long time, no see.

Hello, Edward.

Father.

Well, come on in. Come on in.

So, what are you doing
in our neck of the woods?

Well, uh, I was working
the night shift. And...

Nice little place you got here.

It's not that little.
And it's a great place.

Real close to the El train.

I see what you mean.

Here, Edward. Your mother baked you
a cake and asked me to bring it to you.

No, thanks. I'm not
hungry. I had a big dinner.

Steve, give me the...

Steve, give me the...

So, how are you and The
Pastry King getting along?

Great. Just great.

I should've moved
when I was ten.

Oh, I see.

So how's Mom?

Your mother is fine. Just fine.

Look, Ed...

What is this?

It's our new lawn chair.

Well, it needs watering.

So what's new?

Well... What's new?

- I bought myself a snow blower.
- Heh, heh. That figures.

I begged you for years
to buy a snow blower.

I didn't have to, I had you.

Look, Edward, next
Wednesday is Judy's birthday...

and we're gonna have a
little party at the house for her.

Judy and the rest of the
family would like to see you.

- What about you?
- Well, it's your decision.

- Okay, fine. So long.
- Okay, so long.

Well, wait a second, Carl.

Eddie Winslow, you're my best
friend and I've always looked up to you.

But right now you're
acting like a horse's patoot!

- What?
- That man is your father.

The same blood that courses
through his veins flows through yours.

I know.

Do you think he came all the way over
here to bring you a dry, inedible cake?

I think not. Am I right, Carl?

Well, uh...

He was offering you an olive
branch in his own awkward, portly way.

Listen, you Winslows
are proud, proud men.

But right now it's your pride
that's keeping you apart.

Hey, he started it.

I am not the one who waltzed into
the house an hour and a half late!

Hold it! There you go again.

- Eddie?
- What?

- Do you love your father?
- Oh, Steve, come on...

Just answer the question.

Do you love this man?

Yeah.

Carl, tell your
son how you feel.

- Well, I miss him.
- Don't tell me. He's right there.

Edward, I miss you.

I miss you too, Dad.

Son...

The house just hasn't
been the same without you.

You know...

last night, I woke up in
the middle of the night...

and I went into your room.

I got kind of misty-eyed.

You miss me that much?

That and I got a whiff of
one of your dirty gym socks.

Son...

I'm sorry that I yelled at you.

No, Dad, it was my fault, I
shouldn't have come home late.

Edward, I love you.

- With all of my heart.
- I love you too, Dad.

Look, um, it's
entirely up to you...

but I would like it very much
if you came home tomorrow.

No, I don't think so, Dad.

Well, suit yourself.

Can I come home tonight?

You got it.

Steve, you have
sunk to a new low.

You begged me to come over and help
you move your stuff out of this place...

but you really brought
me here just to get a kiss.

Well, that's true, sweetums.

But don't you think you're
overreacting just a tad?

Well...

No.

No. Laura? Laura? Hello?

Anybody? Get me out... Whoa.
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