04x21 - Walk on the Wild Side

[bunniefuu]

Minnesota is pretty
cold this time of year.

- Did you pack enough sweaters?
- Three.

- What about socks?
- I'm wearing some.

Look, you guys, stop
worrying, I'll be fine.

Laura, this is the first time
you've gone on a trip without us.

Yeah.

I mean... yeah.

It's only for three days and we'll
be chaperoned the whole time.

Why couldn't they hold the Midwest
Cheerleading Championships here in Chicago?

Why go to Bemidji?

Bemidji is a famous cheer town. They
invented the phrase "sis boom bah."

Well, let's hustle. We don't
want you to miss your flight.

Hey, Laura, wait. You
almost forgot your pompoms.

Ooh. I'd be lost without those.
How can I ever thank you, Richie?

A buck should cover it.

I'm surprised Steve didn't
come by to embarrass

you with one of his
melodramatic goodbyes.

I warned him that if he did,
I'd staple his lips together.

Hi, sweetums.

Ooh, I'll pack these for you.

Hi, babe. CARL: Hey.

- Hey, Dad.
- Just the man I wanted to see.

Grab a seat, son.

Okay, sure. What's up?

I'm going to give you a haircut.

What?

- How come?
- It'll save me money.

No way.

Well, now, now, now.

I know that I may botch the
first three or four haircuts...

but hey, I'll learn.

And over the years,
think of the savings.

Mom, stop him.

He's trying to hurt my hair.

Carl, think about this. It's very
important to Eddie that he look good.

You're both overreacting.

Come on, son, let me
take a whack at that head.

I'll even shave you one of those
designs you young people like.

Something cool,
like a happy face.

Mom.

Carl, he doesn't have
time for a haircut now.

- He doesn't?
- No.

He has to clean his room and wash the
car and take out the trash. Right, Eddie?

Right, right. I gotta do
those things right now. Bye.

Now, you see?

I told you I'd get
him to do his chores.

Listen to this.

Janet and I wanted to do something
really exciting, something daring.

Ooh!

So we got fake IDs
and went to Club Buff.

- The male strip club?
- Yes, girl.

Oh!

The dancers there are
drop-dead gorgeous.

Well, what kind of
dancing do they do?

The kind where
their clothes come off.

Look, I'm going again this weekend,
you guys have gotta come with me.

- Hey, count me in.
- Great.

I'll get the IDs for you. It's just
50 bucks and a recent picture.

Fifty dollars is a lot of money.

Maxine, we're talking
near-naked hunks.

I'll have the cash tomorrow.

So how about you, Laura?

I don't know.

Hello, I forgot who
I was talking to.

Miss Laura "goody
two-shoes" Winslow.

Now, wait a minute, I am not
a goody two-shoes, right, Max?

Yo, Max, jump in here anytime.

Well, the kids at school
do think you're kind of...

squeaky clean.

- Well, does everybody think that?
- No, not everybody.

There is one guy who
thinks you're wild and crazy.

- Who?
- Steve Urkel.

I'll have the money tomorrow.

Yes!

Carl, isn't it strange how
different our children are?

What do you mean?

Well, with Eddie and
Judy, we have to beg,

thr*aten and trick them
into doing their chores.

Yeah, but not Laura.

Laura always does exactly
what she's supposed to.

You know, we're really lucky, Carl.
These days it's tough to be a good kid.

There are a lot of temptations
out there, peer pressure.

You know, honey, you're right.

We should reward Laura.

- Carl, that's a good idea.
- I'll tell you what.

Tonight, we'll give her
first cr*ck at the pork chops.

Last week, the poor
kid didn't get any.

All right, let's kick it.

- Babes beware, two dudes on the loose.
- Right.

Yo, Waldo, what's that
new cologne you wearing?

Oh, it's not cologne.

This baby is keeping
more than my car fresh.

Hi-dee-ho, amigos.

- Hey, Steve.
- What's up?

Well, I'm taking a five from my
lab. I'm working on a new invention.

Oh, really? Heh,
well, what is it?

It's a combination nose-hair
trimmer and flashlight.

I mean, let's be honest, there's
a lot up there we'd like to see.

Now, remember, Waldo, if
we find two girls together...

I get the ugly one.

Hey, how come you
always get first pick?

All right, you can
have the ugly one.

Okay. That's better.

- Hello, Steven.
- Hi, Laura.

Laura.

Legs.

Ba-zooms!

Laura, why do
you look so sexy...

so provocative...

and so, as they say in
France, "Whoa Momma"?

Steve, stop it. You're
drooling on my carpet.

Laura, don't run.

- Why?
- Because when you do...

you bounce.

Hey, girls.

You guys ready to
check out some hot bods?

Hot bods?

What's she talking about?

We're going to Club Buff.

Club Buff? The strip joint?

Oh, Laura, why on earth would
you go to that den of iniquity?

That bicep boutique.

That palace of
pulsating, perspiring pecs.

Because we wanna. Bye.

No.

I shall not allow this.

Move it or lose it, Steve.

No, you're not going.

I'm putting my foot down.

Oh! Ow! Ow!

- Is this table to your liking?
- Oh, thank you. It'll be fine, Derek.

Sorry I had to grill you about your
ID. You know, you don't look 28.

Oh. I get that all the time.

Here you go, miss.

Oh, it's "missus."
I'm a divorcee.

Caught my husband
with the babysitter.

All right, we're in. Are
you guys ready for this?

- Can you handle it?
- Oh, yeah.

Would you ladies like
something to drink?

Oh. Orange juice, please.

I'll have the same, my good man.

I'll have a diet
soda with muscles.

I mean ice.

Laura, get a grip.

If you're like that with the waiter,
how are you gonna handle the dancers?

- I'm not. I'm going home.
- What?

We just got here.

Max, I am not good at this.
I'm too uptight to enjoy myself.

- Just be cool.
- Yeah, don't worry.

Nothing bad is gonna happen.

You ladies are under arrest.

Uh-oh, ladies,
you've been busted.

You have the right
to remain excited.

Say hello to one of
Chicago's finest, Officer Bob.

Let's get the music pumping loud

Let's get some
movement in this crowd

Too many stagnant
bodies in the place

We need to rock this
party Crank up the bass

- Is that loud enough?
- I don't think so!

- Is that loud enough?
- I don't think so!

- Is that loud enough?
- I don't think so!

Is that...? Yeah, boy!

Steve, what are you doing here?

Having a pop, pop.
Where you been?

We went to Bubba's
Barbecue, if you must know.

- It was all-you-can-eat night.
- Ah.

I'll bet poor Bubba broke into
tears when he saw you coming.

Want some?

Get out.

Not so fast, barbecue breath.

Where are the Winslow womenfolk?

Rachel talked my mother and
Harriette into going to a nightclub.

Oh, girls night out. How
cute. What club was it?

Club Buff.

Club Buff?

Well, it bothered me at
first that Harriette went...

but then I realized it will just make
her appreciate what she has at home.

Sure, those dancers have a
few muscles and a lot of hair...

but do they have charisma?

Huh? Steve?

Steve?

Well, I don't know what I
did, but I'm sure glad I did it.

Encore, baby! Encore!

Come on, Max, let's go to the
ladies' room and hose you down.

Oh, I don't know about this.

Oh, come on, Harriette. Don't
be such a stick in the mud.

Yeah, get with it, sugar.

This place is a blast.

So you've been here before?

Uh, once or twice.

Hi, Estelle.

Oh, hello, Derek. Ha, ha.

- How are the kids?
- Oh, just great.

- Would you like your usual table?
- That'll be just fine.

Wow. Large fella.

- b*at it.
- And talkative.

Listen, why don't you
go apply for statehood

while I go speak to
one of your patrons?

No men allowed.

And you're close enough. Scram.

Listen, this will only take a
moment, and it's very important.

Take a hike.

Listen, you sack of
muscles in a bad suit.

I'm trying to be
reasonable here, but...

- Hey, what are you doing?
- Bye-bye.

Unhand me, you brute. Ah! Oh!

I love my work.

Hey, hey, hey, you.

- Yes?
- What are you doing here?

Well, um... Um, I'm, uh...

I'm from the temp agency.

What? No, no, no. Please tell
me you're not the new dancer.

Oh, but I am. I'm, uh...
I'm replacing... Who's it?

- Pete, the passionate plumber?
- Right.

I'm Steve, the sensuous...

- scientist.
- Heh.

It's a good outfit.
Just one question.

- Yeah?
- You gonna use that body?

Well, hey...

it's not how many muscles you have,
it's how you use the ones you've got.

Get behind the
curtain, you're on next.

But I need time to pump up.

You also need plastic surgery,
but we don't have time for that.

Listen, wait. I'm a little out of
practice. I normally do this about...

Ladies, it's time to fire
up your Bunsen burners.

Club Buff
reluctantly presents...

in his debut performance...

Steve, the sensuous scientist.

Stop the music. Stop the music.

What is wrong with you, ladies?

You're acting like animals.

There's no justification
for this behavior.

What do you have
to say for yourselves?

Shut up and shake your bootie!
- Yeah!

My goodness. Savages.

Now, listen. Listen to me.

Suppose you were an
innocent young girl...

wearing a k*ller gold dress...

and far too much make-up...

how would you feel...

if your mother
caught you in here...

along with your aunt
and your grandma?

How would you feel about that?

- Uh-oh.
- The big uh-oh.

Laura...

what possessed you to
go to a place like Club Buff?

I suppose I could ask
you the same question.

But I'm no fool.

I went because Rachel
dragged me there.

She was dying to know
what a place like that was like.

She should have asked your
grandmother. She has a lifetime membership.

Well, Mom, I wanted to
see what it was like too.

Laura, I'm an adult.

You bought a fake ID
and snuck into that place.

I know.

Why?

It was the only
way I could get in.

You know what I mean.

That kind of behavior
is not like you.

That was the point, Mom.

I wanted to be as little
like me as possible.

Did I miss something?

Mom, all the kids think I'm
a Miss Goody Two Shoes.

I wanted to prove to them that I
could do something wild and crazy.

- What?
- Well...

I guess we're two
peas from the same pod.

Laura, when I was your
age, I was Little Miss Perfect.

Rachel was the daring one,
and she teased me constantly.

And then, one time, I wanted to
show her that I could be daring too.

- Well, what did you do?
- Well, the Motown Revue came to Chicago.

The Temptations, the
Supremes, Little Stevie Wonder...

and my all-time favorite,
Smokey Robinson.

Anyway, I ditched school
and went down to their hotel.

I waited four hours
for them to come out.

- Well, did you get their autographs?
- Better.

When Smokey walked past me...

I grabbed him, bent him back...

and planted a kiss
dead smack on his lips.

Mm! What a kiss.

I found out why they
called him Smokey.

Mom, that is so cool.

I thought so too, until my mother
turned on the late-night news. There I was.

"Crazed fan smooches Smokey."

Ouch.

- Were you grounded?
- Until disco came in.

Laura...

you wanna be cool?

Then keep resisting temptation.

Keep doing what you
know in your heart is right.

That's what's really cool.

You're right.

That's my girl.

- You know what, Mom?
- What?

Every time that I start
to think that nobody

in the whole world
understands how I feel...

it turns out that you
know exactly how I feel.

Why is that?

Simple. I'm your mom.

The best mom.