04x07 - Shrinks Across the Sea

[bunniefuu]

- Hi, honey.
- [ French Accent] Ah, Robert.

[Speaking French]

Same to you.

Isn't French
the sexiest language?

- Yeah? What'd you say?
- I said...

“Robert, I have a new pair
of brown shoes.“

- How much did they cost?
- Oh.

I'm brushing up on my French 'cause
our guests are gonna be here tomorrow.

Well, I'm, uh, counting
on them speaking English.

I mean, that's what
the exchange program is all about.

You know, French psychologists coming here
to America to observe our lifestyle.

Yeah, but don't you think they'd feel
more at home if we spoke a little French?

What's, uh, French for“dust“?

- Why?
- Well, I don't know. Nothing.

I just felt the place needed
a little sprucing up here and there...

and... there.

Bob, they have dust in France.

Well, then they'll like it here.

What'd you buy me?
Cleaning supplies?

No, no, it's something special
for dinner tomorrow night.

I thought we'd take them out
to a nice American restaurant.

Well, I thought we'd have a nice
home-cooked American meal, like, uh...

duck Forange.

I even bought the Foranges.

What's American about that?

Well, Long Island duck,
California oranges...

sea to shining sea.

Bob, it'd take hours to cook a duck.
I mean, when am I gonna have the time?

After you dust and before you spruce.

Ban/our, everybody. Ban/our.

Where are the, uh-
Where are the Frenchies?

- That's tomorrow, Howard.
- Oh.

That's probably why you didn't understand
when I said, “Bonjour; bonjour: ”

That means, uh, “Buenos zfias. ”

- Thanks.
- Yeah. So are you all set for 'em?

Mm-hmm. As soon as
I sterilize the apartment.

Yeah, well, you can't be too careful.

You know, uh-

You know, France is famous
for its diseases.

They got German measles.

Hong Kong flu.

Right. lfthere's anyway
I could make 'em welcome...

I'd be glad to have dinner with you
and, uh, maybe I could-

Uh, Howard, we're going out to dinner.

We're, uh, having duck at home.

Well, uh, you two work it out.
Either way, I'm free.

I'll tell you what.
I'll go home and dress up to go out...

and, uh, if we stay here, uh, I'll pay.

Bob, why are you carrying on like this?
I mean, it's so unlike you.

I'm sorry, Emily. I just, uh-

I guess I want to,
you know, impress them.

They aren't exactly coming from across the street.
They're coming all the way from Paris.

Well, I want everything to be perfect too.
But I can't spend all day at school...

then come home and stand in front
of a hot stove and cook a duck.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
You wouldn't, uh-

wouldn't have enough time to dust.

- HLJerFy. How are you?
- Hi, Bob.

Oh, uh, Carol, I have to work
on my welcome speech...

for the psychologist seminar,
so no interruptions.

If that's the speech I typed for you,
get used to a lot of interruptions...

like snoring and booing.
[Laughs]

Carol, all I need is
a good opening joke.

You need a joke, Bob?
I got a great one. Never misses.

- Seems there was this traveling salesman-
-jerry, wait a minute.

How am I gonna tell a bunch of French
psychologists a traveling salesmanjoke?

We'll fix it. We'll make him
a traveling Peugeot salesman.

[indistinct]
Peugeot salesman.

He's walking down the street.
Make it the Champs-Elysees.

- Walkin' down the Champs-Elysées.
- See you latenjerry.

Stops in this hamburgerjoint.
No, make that a bouillabaisse place.

He reaches in his wallet, takes out O bucks.
No, make that O francs.

- [Knocking]
- He says to the guy, “I'll bet you francs"-

Uh, make that the Arc de Triomphe.

- Can I talk to you for a minute, Bob?
- I said no interruptions.

I'm in trouble, Bob.
I'm having a problem with Larry.

- Who?
- My husband.

Oh, Larry.

He's acting so possessive lately
he's driving me crazy.

I've gotta come up with
a good opening joke.

Here's an example. Last week,
we drove into a service station.

The attendant said, “Check your oil, lady?”
And Larry hit him with the squeegee.

- He what?
- He hit him with the squeegee.

Carol, that isn't even funny,
especially for an opening joke.

It's not supposed to be funny, Bob.
It really happened.

All we do lately is argue.

Oh, that reminds me.
I have to call Emily.

Oh, sure. Sure, sure, Bob.

Call Emily. I'll go to the ladies' room
and slash my wrists.

- Sorry. What were you saying?
- There's gotta be a way...

to prove there's no reason to bejealous.

- How dol do it? - Uh, Tracy Grammar
School. Principal's office, please.

- Can I borrow your razor, Bob?
- Yeah, sure.

This won't work.

Yeah, I-l need batteries for it.

Uh, principaFs office?

Yeah, could I please talk
to-to the principal?

Who-Who is this?

Billy?

What-What are you doing
in the principaFs office?

Well, you shouldn't have done that.

Uh, do you know Mrs. Hartley?

Old lady Hartley, yeah.

Well, I don't care what you think of her, Billy.
Would you please call her to the phone?

Forget it, Bob. I'll see you at my funeral.

Oh. Remind me I have to pick up
my black suit at the cleaners.

I'll pick it up for you, Bob,
and then I'll burn it.

- Thank you, Carol. That's very nice of you.
- Surely.

Yeah, uh, Emily?

Listen, I-l know our guests
are coming by cab...

but I thought it'd be very nice
if you picked them up.

Well, I-l can't.
I've got a million things to do.

Well, I have to wait for
my suit to be picked up...

and I gotta come up
with a good opening joke.

All right, so it's not a million things.

All right, we'll just have to-
have to risk them coming by cab.

Oh, uh, Emily, when you get home,
I left a note on the refrigerator.

Yeah, I-l wrote it with my finger.

It says, uh, “Dust me.“

Well, if you stand on top
of the stove, you can see it.

Hello? Hello?

That looks much better, Bob.

I mean, where are they, Emily?

Their plane landed hours ago.
We should've never let 'em take a cab.

Well, we didn't have a choice, Bob. You had
to wait foryour cleaning to come back.

What if something may have happened to 'em?
They could've been mugged or in an accident.

- [ Doorbell Buzzes ]
- That must be them. Why don't you get the door...

and I'll get the bandages?

- Uh, Dr. Hartley?
- Dr. “Durochiay“?

Durocher. Like Leo.

- And this is Louise.
- Like in- [ Quoting Lyrics]

Bonjour.

- And this is my wife, Emily.
- h, ban/our.

- Oh. Um- [ Speaking French]
- h, merci.

Emily, they don't wanna hear
about your new shoes now.

Uh, I said, “Welcome to
the United States,“ I think.

And it was said beautifully.
You speak French well.

[Laughs]
Oh.

Louise, she speaks English not at all.

Well, then it's a good thing some of us
went to the trouble of learning a little French.

- Uh, Louise-[ French]
- h, merci beaucoup.

- Louise?
- Our?

- Le valise.
- Oh.

- Let me help.
- No, no. Louise can do it.

She's as strong as a dog.

- Well, could I, fix you a drink, Dr. Durocher?
- Please.

- Is scotch all right?
- Mara; Bob.

But please, no ice.
I was warned not to drinkyour water.

You know, uh...

Montezuma's revenge?

- [Knocking]
- Uh, that would be Mexico. Here itwould be, uh...

Warren G. Harding's revenge.

Excuse me, pal. Could I talk to somebody
about this Monopoly money?

'Cause that guy tried to pay
his cab fare with it.

They told me French traveler's checks
were accepted everywhere.

Not in my cab, pal.

- Well, here. I'll take care of it. How much is it?
- . .

This gentleman was kind enough to give us
a guided tour of the city of wind.

Very-Very thoughtful.
Uh, here's, uh, ...

and there's a dollar tip.

A whole dollar, huh?

Now I can send my kid to Harvard.

Thank you, Bob. And we'll pay for your cab
when you come to Paris.

Well, uh, we promise we won't
take the scenic trip.

Well, there's nothing really to see.

- AIJnPA/an- [ French]
- Hmm?

Ah.

' [ French]
' [ French]

What-What was that all about?

We had no need to bring toilet paper.
Louise was afraid you wouldn't have any.

Yes. We try to stay up
on the latest fads.

You have all the conveniences.
It's a lovely apartment.

Well, thank you. It could use a little-
A little more cleaning.

- Well, here I am.
- Emily.

- Yes? - I was just telling Bob
how much I like your apartment.

- Oh, thank you.
- And it looks very clean to me.

It is clean.

Aha. [ Laughs]
Forgive me, uh...

but I sense you are angry
with yourselves.

No. No, we're not.

[ Laughs]
Come on, Bob.

I'm a psychologist.
I can feel the- how we say- bad vibes.

Ifourvisit is difficult,
perhaps we should stay at a hotel.

- Oh, no. Don't be silly.
- No, no. You're staying right here.

But we cannot stay here while
you are feeling stressed...

so please sit down and let's talk.

Please.
[Clears Throat]

Bob.

Now, Bob-
[Clears Throat]

A wife often complains about
not getting enough consideration.

Louise-
[ French]

[Clears Throat]
And when strangers arrive...

it, uh, often puts a strain
on the household.

- That can sometimes happen, no?
- Yes.

Louise-
[ French]

Emily, be honest.

You feel pressure on your chest
over our visit, yes?

You see, I teach school, and, uh,
well, there'sjust so much that I can do.

Aha. Now we're making progress.

- Let's have Louise make us some coffee.
- Oh, I'll get it.

Emily, sit. Louise will do it.

Louise, le cafe, huh? Allez cuisine,
Tout de suite.

- [ Sighs]
- Alan, it's my kitchen. I know where everything is.

No, no. Louise can do it.
Louise, le . %'.

[ French]

[Laughs]
Pardon.

' [ French]
' [ French]

- What's-What's happening?
- Well, I think she's tired of being bossed around.

- [ Bangs]
-[Shouting In French]

Let mejust get this out of the way.

It's a beautiful vase, Bob.

[Both Arguing In French]

What, uh- What'd he say?

Well, he either said, “Go to the den,“
or “Eat the doorknob.“

- [Shouting In French]
- [ French]

- [ Crying]
- [ Laughs] It was “Go to the den.“

Well, good, 'cause, you know,
it wouldn't make any sense...

- to eat the-
- Pardon.

- A whole week of this, Bob?
- Yeah.

You- You did dust the den?

- Emily, what are you doing?
- Getting ready for breakfast.

- I thought we'd have breakfast on the balcony.
- Why?

Sort of like Paris in the spring.

Bob, this is Chicago in the winter.

- Yeah, we could eat inside.
- Thank you.

I guess they settled their differences. I haven't
heard anyyelling since : this morning.

: .

Well, I could never
live with that woman.

What about that man?
Did you hear the way he orders her around?

- Maybe he was just trying to get
her to helpyou out. - Help me out?

He realized you were in trouble
handling everything...

because you weren't prepared
for theirvisit.

- Bob, when are you leaving for the seminar?
- Soon.

Not soon enough.

- Good morning, Bob, Emily.
- Good morning.

Ah. It looks nice enough
to eat outside.

That's what I thought.

But it's nice in here too.

- How did you and Louise sleep?
- Louise slept like firewood.

- Louise-[ French]
- Ban/our, Emily.

- [ French]
- No.

Uh, un . %', Louise?

Oh, merci, Oui.

- Well, why don't we all have coffee?
- Yeah.

- Well.
- [ Chattering]

Uh, perhaps we can get some coffee
on the way to work, huh?

Maybe we can find
a nice outdoor café.

Couldn't be any colder there
than it is in here.

[Knocking]

BOHSO/f, everybody. Bonsoir.

Later, Howard. Well, we'd better get going.
We have a busy day.

Yes. I'm anxious to hearyour speech.

- Did you hear the one about
the Peugeot salesman? - No.

He meets this friend of his
on the Champs-Elysees.

- [ Door Closes]
- Nice talking to you guys.

Ah.

So, uh, how do you like
the weather in Chicago?

Oh.
[ French]

[Crying]

Yeah, well, it is nice in the summer.

I'm not sure that French people will understand
thatjoke about the Peugeot.

We all drive Buicks.

Well, here's the man
who told it to me.

Jerry Robinson, this is Alan Durocher.

- Lafayette, we are here.
- Uh-huh.

Tippecanoe and Tyler too.

It's a real pleasure to meet you.

You know they say that every man
has two countries: his own and France.

That only leaves me with one.

- Right.
- I don't know what you call them in France...

but, uh,jerry is what
we call an orthodontist.

They're called Orthodontists.

That's one thing I noticed in Paris.

The French kids' teeth are beautiful.

That's because we put
fluoride in the wine.

It was a pleasure to have met you.
Liberia', égafifté and fi'atemx'té.

[Quoting Lyrics]

- [ Elevator Bell Dings]
- Hi, Bob.

Oh, uh, Carol, I'd like you to meet
Dr. Durocher. Carol Bondurant.

Hi. I mean, enchants'.

Hi.

- Could somebody talk to me about Larry?
- Who?

- My husband, Mlijealous.
- Uh, Carol, we're sort of on a tight schedule.

Bob, if this charming young woman is suffering
from-[ French] we must help her.

- Yeah, but, Alan, we're kind of on a-
- Come on, Bob.

What could be more important
than liamour?

The schedule.

Without even knowing your problem, Carol-
[ Clear Throat]

I can tell you this.

When it comes to women,
all men arejealous.

And with a woman like you,
it's easy to see why.

[ Laughs]
Oh. Mercy.

I'll tell you something else.

Thejealous heart is a passionate heart.

Oh, wow. This guy's been there.

Well, it's pretty simplistic, isn't it, Alan?

They're newlyweds.
it's just a phase they have to go through.

[Laughs]
Bob, how amusing.

I must calmly beg to differ.

Jealousy is not a phase-
it's a fact.

And there's only one way
to deal with it.

You must give Larry something
to bejeaious of right back in his face.

[Laughs]

That's-That's just ridiculous.

Bob, uh, the man is trying
to make a point here.

Carol, the man is suggesting
that you have an affair.

I'm not suggesting it-
I'm recommending it.

Alan, you don't know
what you're talking about.

Ah, but I do.

I was once in love with
a terriblyjealous woman.

She was convinced
I was unfaithful.

She accused me. We argued bitterly.
And then she sh*t me.

sh**ting someone is just
the French way of saying...

“I thinkyou're special.“

What a charming custom.

That b*llet convinced me of her love.
That's why today she is my wife.

Well, I-l may be a little provincial...

but I really don't feel that the first step
toward a meaningful relationship...

is as*ault with a deadly w*apon.

I do agree with you on one thing.
You are provincial.

Carol, would you mind stepping
out forjust a few minutes?

- What'd I do?
- I just-l wanna consult with Dr. Durocher.

Oh. Well, what's it gonna be?

Marriage and jealousy
or /'.=s'fi' s'x?"e and “la b*llet”?

- Carol.
- Right.

Where do you ever learn to tell a married woman
that she should have an affair?

I made it up. She certainly
didn't seem displeased.

Well, it certainly doesn't sound like anything
lever learned when I was in school.

[Chuckles]
Where did you go to school?

Loyola University.

Large deal.
[Sniffs]

I was Valedictorian at the Sorbonne.

- The Sorbonne?
- Hmm.

That's been overrated for years.

Yes, for almost a thousand years.

We could've ripped you
to shreds in basketball.

- Hi, honey.
- Oh, Bob, thank goodness you're home.

- Where's Alan? - Oh, he had to stay
afterwards to pick up some kind of award.

- What award?
- I don't know.

French Psychologist of the Year
or something like that.

Where's, uh- Where's Louise?

Well, she's in the den on the phone
talking to somebody in France.

Emily, you wouldn't know
in French “Reverse the charges“?

Doorbell Buzzes

lfChicago were a truly international city,
I wouldn't have to deal with boobs.

- Who are you calling a boob?
- Him.

Oh, hey, what are the odds?
What are the odds?

What, , cabs in Cook County,
and I gotta pick up the French connection again?

- Eight and a quarter, pal.
- Uh, I'm sure I have something to cover it, I think.

Yeah. Here you are. Here's $ .

- Thanks. Hey, Pierre?
- Hmm?

You see this? Next time you come here,
get yourself a bunch of these.

There will be no next time.

Well, I'll just have to live with that.

- Where is Louise?
- Uh, she-she's in the den.

- [ French] Louise.
- Oh. Oh, Alan looks mad.

- Emily, don't get involved. There could be gunplay.
- What?

Well,just because she sh*t him once
doesn't mean she's gonna sh**t him again.

[ French]

- [ Crying]
- Oh, Louise, please.

- Please.
- [Speaking French, Crying Continue]

Bob, I don't have enough
French to cover this.

- Hi, everybody.
- [ Sobbing]

You, uh, still upset about
the weather, huh?

- Not now, Howard.
- That's it, Louise. [ French]

[ French]
Finish.

We never should have come here.
I'm sorry about this whole thing.

Oh, that's, uh- that's okay.

I'm sorry about the weather.

Louise is leaving me
and going back to France alone.

Well, as long as she
doesn't sh**t you... again.

Again? What are you talking about?

Louise never sh*t me.
My wife sh*t me.

You mean, Lou- Louise
is not your wife?

Louise is my mistress.
I never travel with my wife.

Uh, your mistress?

Gee, you could never tell
from looking at her.

And still she cheats on me.

I caught her talking
on the phone to her husband.

She-She should be sh*t.

Thank you for all your charmingness.

We leave. Au revoir.

[Crying]
Aurevoir.

- Louise?
- Our?

- Le valise.
- Oh!

Oh.

Bob, Emily, next year, my place.

Yes, we're certainly looking forward
to meeting your wife.

And-And her lover.

That would be nice.

Except they usually go to the Riviera
at this time of year.

Bob. His mistress.

I mean, I never would've guessed.

[ Laughs]
Emily, don't be so provincial.

I mean, this is the s.

You know, Bob, I don't exactly
consider myself a prude...

but, I mean, to tell you the truth,
I was shocked.

I guess now wouldn't be a good time to call
my mistress and have her come over for dinner?

Sure, invite her over.

I just hope she doesn't mind
seeing the apartment so dusty.

She won't mind.
Before I bought her the villa in Spain...

she used to live in a dump like this.

[ Mews]